This morning I awoke again, before 8am. My body no longer knows how to sleep in. I think I am sleeping soundly for the first time in a long time and once I am awake, I am awake. I think sound sleep has finally found me not just because I take a constant sleep assistance medication but being in such emotional agony has exhausted me. At 8am this morning my husband and I loaded up the dog and drove into town together for my coffee. The dog likes hanging his head out the window of the car and I like hanging out with my husband. I tend to get bugs in my teeth if my head's out the window. It's the first time in days I have wanted to be around someone. His biggest purpose this last week has been to hold me up. Now, I can enjoy his company again.
When we got home we decided to watch a movie together, curled up on the couch while I enjoyed my coffee. We watched The Internship with Vince Vaughan and Owen Wilson. Not hysterically funny but enough to make us both laugh. As we watched a young man have an eyebrow drawn on his face I broke into a fit of giggles and I looked over and my husband was just staring at me with a small smile. All he said was, "it's good to see you laugh, it's good to see you enjoy something".
I forget sometimes how hard this disease is on him. How much he walks on eggshells for fear he will set off a mood swing? How much he fears constantly that I might finally give in to the disease? He lives with such fear that my simple laugh gives him great joy. I love this man, I love him so. No one else would have the strength and fortitude to stay by my side like this, I am sure of that. I hope that most of you out there have someone by your side like this.
After the movie was done I announced I was feeling anxiety in my chest but for no apparent reason. I have NOTHING to be anxious about. The kids are good, we have a weekend to ourselves, everyone is healthy and relatively happy (including me). There is nothing to make me feel this way but the drugs. A drug that is not agreeing with my body, or my brain. Again we opted for a small dose of sedation, just enough to take the edge off and let me relax.
Since that time I have been curled up with a book with the only worry in my mind being when or if there will be another round of agony in my future. I just keep pushing the thought away as I don't want to interrupt the time of peace I am having right now. I don't want to be outside of this now, the one I am having with you right here. Letting myself think about the "next round" only makes feeling slightly normal today that much more unforgiving as it's a further way to crash from. It's hard to explain how in times of good its even harder to think about the next low because it's so much further to go. If you are inside of a low there is no where to go, no down from there, you feel as low as it can be. When you feel normal or slightly so, the fear is so much greater. But I don't want to live in fear, I want to live right here, right now.
So for the rest of today, that is my goal. I will enjoy each moment. I will stay in the now and forget the rest. I hope you get to do that too.
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