After running around in the city and seeing doctor after dreaded doctor I got home 12 hours later, having overate/under-ate all day, and finally, just crashed. I had a rapid cycling moment right into the toilet. I climbed into bed around 815pm and by 830pm I was sobbing uncontrollably for the apparent loss of my life to Bi Polar. This happens when you see doctor after doctor in one day. You get tired and cranky about having to see people who really don't offer up much in the way of solutions. You can cause a Bi Polar low just by your environment, and how you take care of yourself. And last night because of exhaustion and likely plunging and climbing sugar levels I crashed hard. When you crash or hit a low with Bi Polar you cannot see the forest through the trees. You just can't. I couldn't understand why doctors couldn't fix me, why my husband hadn't left me and why I was in any way important to anyone. I was so unhappy I couldn't possible make anyone else happy so why was I here? The big life question I like to struggle with, why am I here?
I didn't do a very good job of this yesterday. I need to remember the body mind link more often.
I can honestly say I am not sure I could love as unconditionally as my husband does. I suppose I do with his children. All I know is I am sure glad he does and I am forever grateful for it because I would feel very alone otherwise. Well to be honest I am not sure I would be here without him asking me to fight for it. To fight this disease's desire to take over and make you bend, bend to it's will. Dan gives me the strength to carry on. He does that. It's partially why I need to get to this Center (a psychiatric/rehab center I'm on the wait list for) and get into some intensive care. I need to find the strength inside me to fight this, not burden him always with my reason for living. I need to be my own strength. I guess I have some strength I don't give myself credit for because I do fight this stupid thing, every day.
Could you imagine if I actually gave myself credit and valued myself even solely for fighting this disease? It was for this reason, and this reason alone I got a phone call today from someone. They saw me devaluing myself because of another person's actions and they wanted/needed to set me straight. In doing so, we were both able to share a bit and learn from each other. It was a rewarding call for me, it really was.
This person and I who chatted, we've known each other for years but I wouldn't call us friends. We are acquaintances who found ourselves in a similar boat. Interconnected to someone whom we've both fallen and/or chose to fall out of favour with. I say it that way because no matter what, we are always reacting or acting when dealing with another human being. We are either reacting to their actions or we are acting and they are reacting. It's never a one way street this interacting thing. When we got to talking we realized how much we both gave in our mutual relationships and never got an equivalent amount in return. This is what became perfectly clear and helped us both heal. We both realized what we gave was never returned.
I never stopped caring in this relationship I just realized they didn't. It's hard to accept because always wonder why not?
All this time I had been punishing myself for not being good enough to warrant a solid friendship but it's not been me. It's been about someone who has made a conscious decision to give to the world only so much of themselves but take as much as they can get. And not do so authentically, as their real selves either. It says much.
Is this a selfish choice do you think? Or a safe one where the balance is forever in your favour? Smart or selfish. Selfish and smart?
At least I have learned, I deserve better. I give better, and I get better in return from those I love.
Today I choose to love those that deserve my love.
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