Monday, February 29, 2016

Oscars 2016 - Nicolle's review

Oh hell yeah, I am back.  It's not my best work really but people asked.  It will be in the present and past tense as it's been banged out faster than a hooker attending shore leave.   First off, I must be clear, I WILL talk about fashion, a lot.  I will be catty, and judgemental.  I will rave and I will have opinions you may not like.  If you do not like it, stop reading and go do something else please.  I am writing this just for fun, for shits and giggles.  My words do not the world make.  

I started my Oscar evening with a bag of Smart Food popcorn and a few Ferre Roches.  The definition of few is not two, not twelve.  Anything in between is acceptable.  I know how to balance a meal obviously.  Unlike most of the people attending the Oscars who apparently don't eat, at all, for weeks.

I always watch E before the Oscars or any other award show.  I hate Guiliana Rancic and yet there I was, watching her show aka supporting her career.  Fuck.  I hate how ironic the world can be.  I am only glad that this year she barely interviewed anyone and for some reason she mentioned the rooftop of Chucky Cheese or some other god awful chain.  Then the camera dramatically panned to it and there was a fancy tent on the roof.  I am hoping that because of her bullshit past antics with Zendaya that they've designated that as her "post" (aka prison) from which she can watch the red carpet now.  If you didn't hear about it, she basically called a beautiful young girl a pot smoking Rastafarian because she wore dreadlocks on the red carpet and then said it wasn't appropriate to wear the same dreads on the red carpet!  Shame lady, shame.  To give her credit she did go on air after and apologize profusely but...come on you twat.

Ryan Seacrest does a pretty professional job, for an E "correspondent" that is.  I am sure it's because he isn't a total idiot and he knows everyone and owns, well, everything.  The man knows knows how to work a red carpet.  Especially if that carpet belongs to a model.  *laugh*  I had to.

E has started a new thing where they have a panel, not that stupid Fashion Police thing, but where they are positive (unlike myself) and they comment on the fashion.  There is typically a stylist on the panel, a couple of pseudo famous people and Miss, I need a Sandwich herself, Guiliana.  This year's panel had the queen of reality TV, Kris Jenner.  I have  hard time watching Miss Jenner speak because I keep thinking that her face might actually fall off.  I believe her nose was modelled after Michael Jacksons and the rest of her just looks like it's melted a bit.  She knows her fashion though, I will give her that.  I wish she'd shut the fuck up with her constant use of the phrase, "her body", "her body is amazing", "look at that body", "that body".  Listen lady, I get envy but you are giving young girls everywhere a reason to stop eating.  I have to say, it also bothers me ('cause a lot bothers me) that all these fashion houses are so quick to give their wares to the Kardashians for advertisement purposes but I guess that's how one does exactly that.  They give their clothes to people who are seen weekly by millions of people.  They give them to girls who have more followers than there are people in Canada.  Lord that bothers me too.  Why?  I have never in my life watched an episode of the Kardashians.  I struggled writing that sentence remembering what the title of the show was.

Speaking of giving away fashion.  Listen up actresses, you are wearing tens of thousands of dollars in free haute couture  (sp?) and jewels most humans don't have enough money to even look at.  Most of us will never be able to afford to look fancy enough to get past the security guard at the Harry Winston store in Beverly Hills.  You understand that right?  You same people speak of how your job is to stay in shape, to look good, to promote your movies by doing all of the same.  Part of your job is your appearance.  You could work 2 months in a year and make more money than most people take home in a lifetime.  You make even more money doing commercials for makeup and perfume trying to lure me into your fabulous life.  Your job is to entertain me really.  You make a movie that I need to spend money on to watch.  I need to want to watch you on screen.  You are a promoter, a self promoter.  There is nothing wrong with any of that.  But please do not ask me to focus more on your performance than what you are wearing at an award show.  You are getting the award or nomination for your performance.  Your job on the red carpet is to promote your movie, yourself, and who you are wearing .  I have paid my $25 per film and appreciated the movie and you, and now I want to see you spin on the red carpet.  I want you to work it bitch.  Side note, any man wearing a multi coloured tux can do the same.  Twirl you fashionable handsome bastard, twirl.  If Ross Matthews can do it, so can you.

On that note I cannot tell you how much I cracked up at the fact ABC uses their "serious" anchors to interview the actors/actresses "seriously" about their "serious" performances but they do so on a giant platform, will a full head to toe camera angle.  But "seriously" we want to talk about your "serious" performance and how you changed the world with it.  Seriously. 

Here is my fashion low down.  Please be reminded I bring this opinion to you from my couch.  On top of which I am sitting, in popcorn.  No that's not a typo.  When I eat popcorn I tend to spill it everywhere so really I am wearing as much as I consumed.  But I am wearing my Oscar finest.  A hockey shirt from 1998.  And a pair of pyjama bottoms that by a age, are the shirt's grandmother.  Before you judge me judging, I am wearing chapstick and boob tape ala Oscar.

I mean she does look like a big old Christmas present but I liked it.  And I love the purse choice.  

Nope.  Nope.  And more nope.  This is not the multi colour tux thing I mentioned earlier.  Not by a long shot.

My favourite model of the moment besides Gigi Hadid is this gal, Ashley Graham.  She was on the panel last night for the red carpet looking all kinds of boss.  She is stunning.  And she represents the norm in society.  She is a very positive representation of beauty for girls and women everywhere. I love her.  I love the dress.  I love her breasts (yeah I do).  It's perfect.  People all over are talking about her and this dress.  Many have said it was inappropriate.  They've compared it to the "Susan Sarandon" issue.  Susan Sarandon did a memoriam at the Golden Globes or the SAG awards and wore a suit with no shirt, just a bra revealing the fact she had boobs.  People said that was inappropriate.  They commented on everything from "disrespectful to those being remembered" to it being "age inappropriate" for her.  See the pic below.  Besides the irony of the fact it was either the Golden "Globes" or the "SAG" awards, I see nothing wrong with it.  The dead dudes would be okay with it I am sure, and the gals probably thought, "I wish I had balls that big to wear something like that".   They are boobs people, relax.  They won't jump out and attack you.  Promise.

Hide.  For fuck sakes, hide.  They might get you.  What beautiful eyes she has.

This too, not the multi colour suit idea I was raving about.  

He really is handsome if you like that "says stupid things but at least he is trying" sort of thing.  I can't get past the giant yachts, SUVs, private airplane travelling while saying "stop big oil".

Again, not what I was talking about.  This is just too Dumb and Dumber for me.

This is how you call cancer your bitch.  

How come no one is complaining about her Golden Globes?

Congrats on your win sir.  Oh hey, George Michael called and he'd like his look back.

Buttery goodness.  See up, see down.  Love this colour.

We are all too old for prom.  And calamari is for eating.  Not taking to the Oscars.

Does Kiera Knightley have a sister?  
I love the entire look until you get to her ankles.  That sheer fabric should have gone right to the floor with a bit of a train.  It's too casual this way.  Glam it up girl.  It's the Oscars.

I do not know how I feel.  I kind of love it, kind of hate it.  I do know this, he was the only male all night long to have a conversation with her actual face.  I am sure of it.  

Love the dress, hate the belt, love the girl.  She is stunning.

Everything about this is perfection.

Everything about this is wrong.

I call this laundry.  Washed right out.  

All really pretty...and boring.  She's done this a million times before.

I miss my Koi.

Love.  Love.  Love.  I detest the colour orange.  Always have.  This, changes that.

Want to hate it.  Really really really do but.....

So gorgeous and would be perfection if just one shade darker.  Spin cycle.


People ripped this apart.  I can't.  Want to.  But I can't.  Look at her smile.  She could be in a garbage bag.  She just exudes happy.

Aww she went as an Oscar at the Oscars.

I don't know how she pulls this off but she does.  And only she and Cate Blanchett could.  I do want to cut the little bun thing at the top off her head though.  It's like a man bun.  All kinds of wrong.

This is how we do it baby....

And this ladies and gentlemen, is how you beautifully and perfectly say "fuck you" to your ex without even opening your mouth.  That's what this pose is.  It's a statement and everyone hears it gurl. 

Not sure.  The earrings keep making me think of those onion ring cheesy things.  Fun-ions?

She's a fucking goddess.  We should all kneel at her feet and worship.  (She should still twirl though).

In love.  Her bump is the perfect accessory.  He's not so bad either.

I love the dress and the necklace but I want Chrissy Teigen's hairstyle on this.  Structured dress, unstructured hair, dontcha think?

Yep, nope.

Awwww Tina Fey had leftover fabric.  (Pretty though).

Not sure.  Just not sure on the pants.

I didn't know she was pregnant.  I am falling behind on my entertainment news.  I just wanted to post this because it's her.  And I have a crush.  

Who told you any of this was okay?

And egg and sperm met up on day and said let's make the perfect woman.  And they did.

I love this.  I think it's lovely on her but for some reason her hair bothers me with this dress.  I am thinking a plain simple undo?  Thoughts?

I had no idea Sacha could look like this.  No idea.

You know you all sighed.  I liked her rock and roll vibe.  I mean her husband is Ned Rocknroll.  It's nice to see her loosen up.

Jesus.  I cannot believe this happened again.  And this time with even bigger names.  People so easily identifiable confused for each other because white people aren't fact checking?  Like the first time wasn't bad enough?  This is so unacceptable my brain hurts.  

Duane Howard from the Revenant.  One of the "indigenous" actors used in the movie.  I say in quotation marks ONLY because it's the word being used to describe this actor over and over instead of just the word, "actor".  He wasn't invited to the Oscars until he reminded Leonardo DiCaprio of his frequent comments on his, and their, importance to the film and matters of land and environment that Mister D keeps taking about.  This tux was made for him.  It's beautiful.  Look at the lapel detail.  

And onto the night itself.  

Chris Rock came out in a white tux.  


Do you think that was planned irony or just the tux chosen?  

His opening was very good.  Funny as shit and on point saying that racism still exists and we cannot hide from it.  Just because racism is different today than it was in the 50s, say for example, doesn't mean we can turn a blind eye to it.  He called the Oscars the "white people's choice awards".  He went on to say that in the history of the Oscars racism has existed but blacks were too busy being lynched to protest.  He went as far as to say, "when grandma is swinging from a tree it's hard to appreciate the fact the Oscars are all white".  Eeeek, too far?  Probably.  But factual isn't it?  People are saying that the opening and most of the night was "awkward" and "made them uncomfortable" at times.  I think this was the point.  

Here are some of his memorable lines:

"Jada Smith boycotting the Oscars, she's in a TV show isn't she????, it's kind of like me boycotting Rhianna's panties.  I wasn't invited".

"Will Smith not being nominated is not fair, it isn't.  But then again, his making 20 million dollars for Wild Wild West wasn't fair either".

"The in memoriam this year will be black people shot by cops on the way to the movies".

"Is hollywood racist?  Well, not cross burning racist but sorority racist, "you're not a Kappa".

On black actors not being cast he said, "Jamie Foxx is so good, one of the world's best actors.  He was so good in Ray that they went to the hospital and unplugged the real Ray Charles.  "We only need one of them". "

Oh no you di'ant......he addressed the whole actresses being asked what they are wearing.  Yeah he did!

"You can't ask what an actress is wearing, you must ask her more, she is more.  Listen, everything is not sexism or racism.  The reason we ask what you are wearing is only because the men are all wearing THE EXACT SAME THING.  If George Clooney showed up in a lime green tux with a goose coming out of his ass we'd ask, "Hey George, whatcha wearing?" "

Cut to the camera panning to Leo DiCaprio and he's caught saying "fucking hilarious". 

"...and we're black", Rock said when returning from a commercial break....LOL.

Please note, all the quotes I make hear are not verbatim, but to the best of my recollection.  Don't get all up in fucking arms because I say the wrong thing.  Try having a real conversation with me.  Talk about saying the wrong thing!

Ryan Gosling appeared on my TV screen with someone else, I think the other guy might have been an actor.  They did a little bit much like the one Ryan (yes, we are first name basis'ing now) did with Brad Pitt.  I love RG.  He wore a beautiful black tux with a white bow tie.  Maybe this look has been done before but not this perfectly.

Oh for god sakes, the Big Short screenwriter says, "don't vote for anyone who takes money from big banks, oil, or weirdo billionaires"....hmmmm I guess that means don't vote for anyone?  I wonder how much money he's making off this film, future films and whether he will donate politically?  Do you think it could be in the billions?  LOL

Stacey Dash, who is certifiably wonky walked on stage and wished everyone a, "happy black history month".  If you are unsure of the humour here, she is a Tea Party member basically.  If she could be in the KKK I think she would be.  And I don't think she sees the irony in that.  She believes the Michael Jackson part shouldn't be dictated by race?!  Yes, indeed she is black.  I know right?

Sarah Silverman was hilariously dead panned as always in introducing Sam Smith singing the movies theme song.  Of the movie she said, "which I did not see".  But apparently she slept with 007 and he's never called.  Then Smith performed and it was uncomfortable.  Least for me.  The high notes were too high and he seemed to be reaching to get to them.  I felt like someone had a hold of his scrotum during those notes.  He won though and in receiving the award he spoke of how few openly gay men have won awards and how proud he was.  That was lovely.  I'd say something about someone holding his scrotum again but that would be inappropriate  

Pharrell Williams presented in a tux with the cuffs rolled up.  And I sang Amy's "no, no, no" in honour of that.  We don't roll our tux pants up.  We don't.  Ever.  Because we are not riding our bikes OR walking through a puddle at the Oscars.    

The best Red Carpet pictures are oddly (not really, see all other news in the world) from the New York Times. 

New York Times Red Carpet

During the entire Oscars event they were playing old movie music, but not like Casablanca old, Grease and Dirty Dancing old?  It was weird.  Like they were trying to lighten the mood through music, cheesy music.  Don't get me wrong I love that shit but "I have had the time of my life"...doesn't fit into the, "black lives matter" theme.

Mad Max cleaned house in all things movie making.  Makeup, costume, lighting, camera, editing...and whatever else it takes to make 'em.  Then someone got up and said, "it took creative guts to make this film".  Hmmmm, not so sure that's accurate really.  Creative guts to remake a film?  Using ideas from the original and Waterworld?  

In honour of Black History Month Jack Black was honoured which was lovely.  I assume that was Chris Rock's idea.  He also went into Compton to talk to people about the "white oscars" and the movies that were nominated.  I kind of thought that was in poor taste really because a lot of the people didn't know the movies which is fine but kind of insulting to the people who probably were pretty proud of them.  Also some of the people, like the crack addict looking old bird who ended the segment, not exactly a good representation of who the black community is or wants to be seen as.   or in keeping with the evenings theme of serious shit's happening in the world and it takes guts to take a stand to up to it, for it, behind it.  

I am sure if you had watched the Oscars you would have determined that the producer, the director and cameramen are not getting awards for the show next year.  We had shots of empty chairs.  For those of you in the know, they use seat fillers so chairs are never empty then one guy has to drop his camera and shoot a clear shot of an empty chair on the way down.  There's always that one guy.  When Patricia Arquette was presenting she could not follow the camera for the life of her.  I thought perhaps she was drunk, or I was, then I realized the camera was moving side to side, up and down.  It was just weird.  The rehearsals were great or I can only assume when "Ex-Mackina" was given an award.  

What else.  Chris Rock sold Girl Guide cookies for his daughters.  That bit was cute in the beginning when he called out rich starving actors to open their wallets.  But the end of the bit was boring and stupid when he showed how much they made like some bad fundraiser TV show.  Kevin Hart was picked on endlessly by Rock for being all over everyone's TVs and in movie theatres.  He was wearing a sparkly tux, that's all he should have been picked on for.  When he presented he gave an EPIC speech, here's the link:


Last night and today social media went apeshit when Kevin's speech got bleeped.  People felt it totally inappropriate of ABC to cut out anything when speaking on the issue of the "white Oscars". You can clearly see that he said, "god damn it, congratulations".  And we all know we DO NOT use the lord's name in vain in such a manner in the good ol' USA.  Rednecks be burning down Baptist churches but fuck me if you say, "god damn it" it's blasphemy.

The Weekend continued to make Canada proud and balance out nature and the world's opinion of us thanks to one Justin Beiber.  Louis CK told documentary filmmakers that they will always be broke and drive civics.  The black president of the Academy of Motion Picture blah blah blah gave a wonderful speech ending in, "on behalf of the academy congratulations....." on being white I am sure everyone including me thought.  Dave Grohl did the "in memoriam" in nothing but a suit and a wait, that's wrong.  He had clothes on and played the acoustic guitar while singing beautifully as always. 

Joe Biden announced Lady Gaga's performance saying the words, "I will intervene when consent cannot or has not been given"....and "no abused woman or MAN".  He invited us to go to the website  And then the ever dramatic Lady G sang the shit out of a song entirely about sexual abuse.  It should be mentioned that as she started this very powerful song the director, producer or cameraman for the show cut to Louis Gosset Junior to the side of the screen, then back to her.  Shortly after that shit settled and LG (Lady not Louis) got into the depth of the song a stage full of actual victims of abuse walked out with words written on their arms about said abuse.  I wasn't the only one crying by the end of the song.  Whoever came up with the idea for that performance owes many of the actresses in the audience a boatload of "I need to redo ma' makeup" money.  

Brie Larson seems lovely.  I think we'd be friends.  She'd make me a nicer person.  Oh and she won the Oscar in case the rock you live under doesn't have WIFI. 

Leo DiCaprio was very cute when he smiled and giggled a bit at a standing ovation for winning best actor.  He thanked Tom Hardy who looked entirely insane, as always.  LOL I'd still do him but that goes without saying really.  DiCaprio does speak well for a guy preaching about the earth often from a diesel sucking yacht or private plane I mean. 
Spotlight wins the best picture.  Sure as fuck should.  The academy awards should be about this kind of thing I think.  Cut to Michael Keaton saying, "fuck yeah".  LOL  I love when humans act human.

Chris Rock ended the night when an invitation to all to the BET awards and saying "Black Lives Matter".  And the Oscar producer decided that would be a good time to play a cheesy...old rap song?   

Today has been all about the dissection of these Oscars.  Tons of people are saying it was too much, it was awkward and went too far.  I am thinking that was the point and got us all talking today about how the topic makes us uncomfortable.  It can't be denied that the Oscars this year were not nearly as fun as past years.  I am guessing they issue isn't fun for many black actors this year either.  Or black people for that matter having to sort through living life full of racism.  I think a large part of the awkwardness of the show was the shitty direction as well.  It was awful as I said.  Just awful.  I think considering Chris Rock is black and was handed a show in a time like this he did just fine.  I wasn't offended.  I do wonder how the poor nominees felt having their spotlight taken away and then I remember Rock's joke about the fact they work a few months a year for more money than God and then get awards for that work and I stopped caring as much.  

For your fun and mine, here are some good links to after party pics and of course, the Vanity Fair Oscar pics.  Seriously, go look.  The best outfits are at the after parties.