Diary of a Bi Polar Woman Day 103
“I just wanna punch you in the face!”
Oh yes, that’s right.
That’s what I said to my husband out of the blue yesterday. It was after dinner, we were watching TV
together, I was reading, he was watching, nothing had happened. I just announced it was how I was feeling. He replied laughing, “I know, I can tell,
trust me I am walking on eggshells”.
Wow. How amazing must it be to be
my husband right now? His response just
made me burst into tears. I cannot believe
he loves me.
I am weaning off an anti-depressant called Cymbalta right
now. Apparently it can counteract with
my Bi Polar medication. I was getting this antsiness in the afternoons which was making me squirrelly. I was on 90 mg at breakfast. This drug, it’s all been
known to help with chronic pain which I have.
I have noticed that all my old aches and pains are back. Bursitis in my shoulder, inflamed achilles tendon,
bad knee. All down the same side from an
accident years ago. All coming back
screaming so the drug works for pain, I will say that much.
I also think this drug has basically had my temper, and
maybe all my emotions, under control for 7 years. I feel more like myself these days in many ways but…..I
shouldn’t really want to punch my husband.
I love him with every fibre of my being but he’s making me crazy. Do you have any idea what it feels like to
look at the man you love and feel this way when he says, "I love you"?
LOL You probably do, yours was just a passing moment of time. Mine’s been this whole week. Ever since I started reducing the drug significantly. L
I feel horrible. I
really do. I hope this changes. I hope I am just getting back some emotions I
lost being drugged. I hope it’s just PMS
and “the change”. It’s a little scary
when you think, “Jesus, could this be permanent?” How do you live loving someone you wanna
punch in the face? It doesn’t make for
nice family occasions.
I used to feel this way about all humans years ago. They all made me punchy. Maybe it’s just because he is the only human
right in my face. I mean he works from
home so….we are always around each other right now. Can you imagine your spouse being around you
24/7? You can? And you don't want to punch them? Fuck.
Oh just try living in this head for a minute before you
judge.
Well, all that was written earlier this morning. We have now decided I cannot go off this
drug. My how things change.
I am just too emotional. Maybe I am too emotional a person but I cannot
live with this volume of emotion. I sobbed watching
the Grey’s finale today. I don’t mean I cried a little, I sobbed as if
someone I loved had just died. It was bordering on uncontrollable. Then because
of that emotion I got angry with myself and the brain I have. Why me?
I don’t want this. *insert more
tears here*
And then I yelled at the dog. I have only done that one other time in my life and it
was when I decided to leave work in the first place. I knew when I yelled at my furry little son
that loved me unconditionally it was time to change, significantly. Funny
how that became the final straw and one with which the hubby agrees. Even he realizes if I yell at the dog it’s
gone too far.
Back on the Cymbalta I will go. One in the morning, one at night starting tomorrow and see if
this doesn’t even off my temper. He will
track the results, the husband alongside me and see if I don’t improve because
even though I wanna punch him in the face, he is my “person” (ode to Christina Yang) and with him I
shall face this head on because I have to.
I have no choice.
Sometimes we just don’t have a choice. Life kicks and we have to take it.
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