I've been borderline anorexic twice in my life and big, like over 200 pounds, twice in my life. There's been middle ground but it's been very tightly controlled and typically ends in my being "too thin". Too define, "too thin" meaning starving. When I have been thin I have been high on a false sense of self. I have no more confidence than I did heavier but I am no longer embarrassed about being overweight, a chunky monkey, "fat" in some people's eyes. I am not being distracted by what I deem to be a problem.
What Miss Sidibe says in this quote is amazing, totally amazing. She nails it.
She dares to show up, as is. I am daring sometimes. At least it starts out that way. LOL. Recently in Florida I dared to put on a swimsuit and hit the pool. By the arrival of our 6th apple bikini bottom girl my confidence was weaning, I tucked my tail and ran. I dared, then I almost drown in my own shame and fear of what others might be thinking. "Look at me go" it started as, then it became "Okay I really need to go". That's not okay me, not okay.
Both of my parents have always made a point of talking food, diet and weight with me. Especially my Father. My Mother, with age, seems to have settled into a place of "who cares" but my father, nope. In my lifetime, I have not had my Father not ask, or talk about, my or his weight. Sometimes he references "us" in his process of self evaluation by weight. It's just how it's always been. When I have gotten thin I have taken great pride in fat shaming him. I can admit that. I don't like it, I won't continue it but I just realized typing that, I have shamed him. Scolded him like a child. Almost like payback for the years of shaming he's done me when I've been bigger. Sadly I seem to only reach for the stars or have the courage to, when I am thinner with that false sense of self.
Unlike Miss Sidibe, I cannot say "See what I did there, that was awesome?" Hmmm that said, I wouldn't be writing to you folks if I was thin. I would be out chasing men, pretending I was fine, drinking, partying. I certainly wouldn't be what anyone would call "settled down" and have time to write. "Wow, hey see what I am doing here, pretty awesome right?". You go me, you go.
I have always been the funny girl. And just like my friend up there Gabby, it's best when I am heavier. I make up for my "flaws" with humour. When I am thin, I am still funny but it's a harsh humour, it's ego based. Like I need to reiterate I am fantastic. When I am heavier I am just plain funny. Not just about myself or my weight as many can do but just in general. It's part of being Bi Polar as well. When you are Bi Polar and you get in a social situations you tend to get manic (high) so you perform. You put on the best performances of your life and typically that involves a comedy show for all. So yes, without this weight I wouldn't know how funny I could be.
Searched for my beauty? I am still searching and I love this line. For someone so young to have gone searching for her beauty already in life. That's a fundamental accomplishment for a woman. Spectacular.
Unbreakable. Unbreakable? Do we every truly know if we are unbreakable until the end of life? In our last breaths being able to say, "They didn't break me, I made it". I guess that's truly being unbreakable. She sure has proven herself unmoveable in her love of herself, her sense of confident self though hasn't she? I hope this is really her true self behind closed doors. I know when I have been heavier I have given a representation of confidence but it's not authentic. I am insecure about every part of who I am just because I define myself in the mirror. Trust me I am working on it. I plan on spending a month at least in a treatment center where I will spend 24/7 on loving myself as is, as I am, right now. Pure, indulgent, self confident love.
Watch Gabby online doing interviews or guest hosting Chelsea Handler's show "Chelsea Lately". She is a powerhouse, she truly is.
Can you say the things she says about herself? We all should be able too.
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