If you follow me at all then you know I was diagnosed with Bi
Polar II disorder. A disease which
causes manic (high) episodes where you feel elated, like all things are good in
the world, you are untouchable, you can do anything. Your impulse control is non-existent. In Bi Polar II these highs are typically
shorter lived than in Bi Polar I. The
depressive episodes are usually, typically, much more evident and longer
lasting. Bi Polar I can also have
hallucinations, of which, I have none.
You may have heard the term “manic”.
Typically, in the USA, this means Bi Polar in some fashion or
another.
While I was in “The Home”, Robin Williams died. He died of depression. His death was caused by his disease. His suicidal actions were caused by his
mental disease. Many say he was likely Bi
Polar, suffering from highs and lows which were evident when he performed. He would become very high and manic during
those periods, in that environment. When
dealing with “normal” day to day life, he fell into depression. We will never know entirely what happened as
we do not live in his mind, but I can say this, he died because of mental
illness. No one takes their own life
because of a whim or a bad day. I know
this because I found myself there this year and it was the worst day of my
life. It was also the day that called
for all my strength. All my strength to
say, “Yes, I can actually do this, I can take my own life because of this pain”. It is not easy to take that kind of
action. It takes a great deal of
strength to say, “This is it”. If you
don’t believe me, consider it, think about it.
Think about not seeing the one you love, the dog who greets you at the
door, your best friend, all your friends, ever again.
*sigh* Just this picture makes me smile.
The ONLY reason I bring this up, and mention the lovable
Williams again is because of the volume of people I met inside The Home who
attempted to take their life because of their illnesses. Whether it was addiction or mental illness,
it was more common than not in there to hear how they barely made it. It was amazing to me that almost every person
in there, seeking help, looking for a solution to their pain, at one point or
another tried to end it themselves after years of trying to figure out how, in
any other form, to stop hurting. I
thought myself alone and suddenly found myself surrounded by people who got “it”. When we heard about Williams, we all found
ourselves looking at each other with sadness, many “oh god no” but little real
surprise. So how did we let someone that
famous, that loved, go? Because we do
not sit down and talk about this, about mental illness and how so many of us
suffer. We are ashamed and embarrassed. We feel less than the apparent “normal”
person beside us.
I am here to say again (and often), that I suffer from
mental illness. I will continue to talk
about this, to be open about this. People
need to get their heads out of their a**es about mental illness. The stigma of mental illness will only go
away if people are strong enough to stand up and talk about it. And while I don’t title myself “strong” under
most circumstances, I am strong enough to talk about this. I love to talk about myself on a bad day so
this shit isn’t really that much of a stretch for me. I will not be ashamed of my past and how I might
have behaved because of illness. Perhaps
someone else, someone without illness might have behaved differently. Be that as it may, I behaved my way. I have regrets, but I am not a regret. I have made mistakes, I am not a
mistake. I am Nicolle and I suffer from
mental illness, I am not the disease I suffer from. Are you cancer? Are you diabetes? I am not mental illness. It’s pretty ironic I say that considering
this blog diary is titled “Diary of a Bi Polar Woman”. Maybe a change in title is required? I don’t think so. I am beautiful. Smart.
Funny. A gorgeous, hilarious,
genius really….who has Bi Polar. The
title needed shortening, that’s an awful big mouthful.
Trust me after 8 weeks “on the inside”, there’s more to
come. Stay tuned. In the meantime, if you suffer from mental
illness, talk about it. Talk to me if
you want, I am not going anywhere. Not
today anyways, and today is really all that matters in the grand scheme of
things isn’t it?
