Saturday, May 31, 2014

DBPW Day 118 - In the now

This morning I awoke again, before 8am.  My body no longer knows how to sleep in.  I think I am sleeping soundly for the first time in a long time and once I am awake, I am awake.  I think sound sleep has finally found me not just because I take a constant sleep assistance medication but being in such emotional agony has exhausted me.  At 8am this morning my husband and I loaded up the dog and drove into town together for my coffee.  The dog likes hanging his head out the window of the car and I like hanging out with my husband.  I tend to get bugs in my teeth if my head's out the window.  It's the first time in days I have wanted to be around someone.  His biggest purpose this last week has been to hold me up.  Now, I can enjoy his company again.

When we got home we decided to watch a movie together, curled up on the couch while I enjoyed my coffee.  We watched The Internship with Vince Vaughan and Owen Wilson. Not hysterically funny but enough to make us both laugh.  As we watched a young man have an eyebrow drawn on his face I broke into a fit of giggles and I looked over and my husband was just staring at me with a small smile.  All he said was, "it's good to see you laugh, it's good to see you enjoy something". 

I forget sometimes how hard this disease is on him.  How much he walks on eggshells for fear he will set off a mood swing?  How much he fears constantly that I might finally give in to the disease?  He lives with such fear that my simple laugh gives him great joy.  I love this man, I love him so.  No one else would have the strength and fortitude to stay by my side like this, I am sure of that.  I hope that most of you out there have someone by your side like this. 

After the movie was done I announced I was feeling anxiety in my chest but for no apparent reason.  I have NOTHING to be anxious about.  The kids are good, we have a weekend to ourselves, everyone is healthy and relatively happy (including me).  There is nothing to make me feel this way but the drugs.  A drug that is not agreeing with my body, or my brain.  Again we opted for a small dose of sedation, just enough to take the edge off and let me relax.

Since that time I have been curled up with a book with the only worry in my mind being when or if there will be another round of agony in my future.  I just keep pushing the thought away as I don't want to interrupt the time of peace I am having right now.  I don't want to be outside of this now, the one I am having with you right here.  Letting myself think about the "next round" only makes feeling slightly normal today that much more unforgiving as it's a further way to crash from.  It's hard to explain how in times of good its even harder to think about the next low because it's so much further to go.  If you are inside of a low there is no where to go, no down from there, you feel as low as it can be.  When you feel normal or slightly so, the fear is so much greater.  But I don't want to live in fear, I want to live right here, right now. 

So for the rest of today, that is my goal.  I will enjoy each moment.  I will stay in the now and forget the rest.  I hope you get to do that too.

Friday, May 30, 2014

DBPW - Day 117 Oh finally....

Well Tuesday through Thursday this week were not my best Bi Polar days.  I was thrown into a low, the lowest of lows.  This was the worst one yet by far and it is all because we are changing up my medications.  We are essentially playing with my brain.  No one can explain it exactly, it's not an exact science, take this pill and it will do exactly this.  Or maybe it won't, depends on who you are and how your brain operates.  It's depends really.  Take that home with you and cuddle with it for a while.  And exact science is where the intelligent side of me operates operate from, that place that when I am in pain, remove the painful object, pain over.  It's common sense.  If you have a broken bone, stabilize it, cast it, take a pill.  End the pain.  What if the problem is all you, your entire being? Your entire being from the inside out?  What then?

I cannot begin to tell you what it's like to suddenly wake up in the morning and have no feeling or sense of purpose for being alive.  That you hurt so badly you would rather be dead, that would be the easier option than living.  That's how I felt for three solid days.  I could find no reason to be alive.  I was screaming out to my husband in agony, the pain inside me was like fire.  And I couldn't put it out.  I was burning alive from the inside out.

But I fought and I fought hard. 

We, of course, had to sedate me again because the emotion that comes with this terrible disease, wanting to be dead but not having the courage to end the pain, is in itself, painful.  It's beyond painful.  You want to end your life but I think you know deep down somewhere inside you, somewhere you can't even reach, that dying will only solve your problem and will leave in your wake, unspeakable pain for others so you fight.  But yet you still can't explain this, you can't explain why why you are even bothering to fight.  There is no reason that you can grasp. 

This video speaks volumes to how a Bi Polar low feels, it's full onset depression.


You know when your husband holds you in his arms and cries alongside you, you are in a scary dark place and even he isn't sure you are going to make it out.  That's how bad this one was.  He basically checked on me and followed me from room to room for three days.  We talked again of the Emergency Room for a Psychiatric hold but we had to weigh the good and bad options.  Bad, that I would be in a hospital bed, room, floor with strangers, nothing familiar, no one around me that loves me.  Good, I would likely be heavily sedated through the worst of it.  Fight to stay home in familiar surroundings, give in and be lost to the system for a bit?  I was close to going, closer than before.  The last time this happened, they, my caregivers and those that love me were going to commit me, this time I was going to commit myself.  It's bad when....

When I woke this morning and thought to myself, "I think I might go to the gym" I then thought, "this might be it.  When I told my husband I was going to the gym his face lit up like it was Christmas morning.  I was going to be okay in his mind.  I couldn't find reason to eat for three days, now I was going to the gym.  I had to have found a purpose for being alive if I cared enough about myself to go to the gym.  Don't get me wrong, after these past three days, he's still quite leery.  Worried I might fall into it again.  It seems to come in the afternoons once the previous days sleepiness and sedation wears off, once I am fully awake.  So far today, so good.  We've done slight sedation after the gym and a grocery run just to make sure there's no drop.

Today I just feel numb.  Like I have run a marathon and cannot see straight.  I am exhausted and drained and just hope that my medications are on the right track.  I obviously adversely reacted to this new drug they have me on because I have had a bad six months.  This is about my third low, the worst one yet, the longest one yet.  I am probably technically still in the depression stages but at least I see a reason to eat, to shower, to go to the gym.  You might find that stuff easy, but you have a reason for living.  Don't tell me all the reasons I have, I know what they are.  I do.  I am not trying to be rude.  I am telling you, when you are that low you are totally blind to them.  My husband, my kids, my best friends, my dog, my parents, in those days, they didn't matter.  They weren't reason enough for me to have value.  What they did, was keep me alive.  I knew that final step could not be taken because of them. 

I know understand suicide entirely and I sympathize with those pained souls.  I used to get mad and say, "how selfish" angrily.  I take back every time I ever said that.  I get it now.  I wish I could have helped every person I ever knew that felt that low.  Because I understand you now. 

I just wanted to let you know that I am okay today.  I can see the forest through the trees, the sun through the clouds.  I am working my way back to you. 

I need to thank Maya Angelou.  The passing around of all her words helped me through the last 3 days.  I cannot begin to tell you what it meant to me to read some of her stuff while I was lost.  It was like she was pulling me from the bottom. 

Thank you Maya Angelou, thank you.

Here are some of her best quotes to which I have sought solace in these past three days.  If she could come up with these in her lifetime perhaps some of my words can one day have such an impact.  

1. “If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude.”

2. “If you have only one smile in you, give it to the people you love.”

3. “Bitterness is like cancer. It eats upon the host. But anger is like fire. It burns it all clean.”

4. “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.”

5. “One isn’t necessarily born with courage, but one is born with potential. Without courage, we cannot practice any other virtue with consistency. We can’t be kind, true, merciful, generous, or honest.”

6. “Love recognizes no barriers. It jumps hurdles, leaps fences, penetrates walls to arrive at its destination full of hope.”

7. “We may encounter many defeats but we must not be defeated.”

8. “My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.”

9. “There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.”

10. “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

11. “You may not control all of the events that happen to you but you can decide not to be reduced by them.”


Thursday, May 29, 2014

DBPW Day 116 - I will fight my way through this, I will...

If it weren't for this blog all you would hear from me is silence.  I wouldn't share my pain, I wouldn't sob online.  I would be dead quiet, keeping it all unto myself.  The pain starts and ends with me.  You don't have to be a part of this.  I don't like to share.  Even with my husband when it starts to hurt, when the pain builds inside of me as a low overtakes me I start to push him.  I push him hard.  I want him to leave, because if he stays I might break into a million little pieces in his arms.  So I push him away with silence.  Just as I would you if I hadn't promised. 

I promised I would write this blog so that others who suffer from mental illness realized they weren't alone. This blog has helped me in that it offers me access to people who wouldn't otherwise know me, know the battles that rage on inside me.  I feel like I am doing something good with this disease.  

This morning I awoke and my first thought was, "for god sakes, go back to sleep, you don't want to be awake".  And I didn't, so I did.  But it wasn't long before my 8pm bedtime made my 8am ass get up to face another day.  I wasn't sure what that day was going to hold, I always awake hopeful the day will be better than the last when I am low.  It's the only way you can actually force yourself up.  If you awoke thinking today's going to be worse, you'd never get up.  Why would you bother?

Every day I wake up and I never know who is going to be in control of my brain.  Me, the real me, the lovable, giving, selfless me, or the one who's broken.  The brain that doesn't function the way it should, the brain that has highs and lows outside of my control.  All I can do is fight it, with everything I have and am.  The real me isn't made of strength, it's made of insecurities and love, that's all.  But she fights, she fights hard.  And sometimes she gives in to the pull of pain. 
I hurt, a lot these days.  My medicines are not balancing my Bi Polar at all.  I am forever either anxious or violently depressed.  Not violence against another, but towards myself.  Perpetuating my self loathing.  It's not a pretty head space to be in. 
When I am on point, in the game, I write lovely things about remembering to hold onto the little things, a kids laughter, or a coffee by the lake on the weekend. 
When I am off, it's dark and self loathing.
Trust me I would rather be reminding you why life is so important.  Because that would mean I saw purpose to being here.  I knew there was a reason I was here.  To remind you of what's important.   
I will get my meds right.  We are working hard on this now.  Dan and I have started tracking everything I do, up time, bed time, feelings, food, meds.  We are now decreasing the overall Bi Polar med because they seem to be what changed in the last 6 months.  The last 6 months have been hell and I have been very suicidal much of that time.  The only real change was the addition of a New Bi Polar med.  Perhaps I don't do well on this drug.  At a low dose I was doing really well but since the increase, not so much.  When we decreased the anti depression drug I got very angry and pain overtook my poor body.  That drug was helping me cope with the pain in my body from multiple back injuries.  We won't know if we are doing the right thing until such time as the drugs settle in and decide to do what they are supposed to do. 
In the meantime I can only report into you folks and hope that this gets better over time.  I have a trip booked in a month that I really want to go on but if I am feeling even remotely this way the last place I will want to be is away from the comforts of home.  Sometimes feeding Koi and hugging bunny rabbits are all that keeps a girl sane. 

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

DBPW - Day 115 Part 2 - Why am I here?

This is how bad Bi Polar lows are.  Where you scream out through your sobs, "Oh god, why am I here? WHY?  Give me a reason?"  I know what you are thinking, "Jesus fuck that sounds scary".  And you are right, it is.  Imagine being the person who can't find a solid reason for living.  The only reason I haven't taken my own life in the last six months is because I don't want to inconvenience anyone, or let anyone down.  That's it, that's all.  It's taken every ounce of my strength to just be here. 

There isn't one thing I can find about myself, right now as I type to you, that I value in myself.  Not one.  Not as a wife, step mom, human being.  Nothing.  I feel completely without value.  I am not writing this to have you provide value, I promise you I am not.  I am just telling it like it is.  I can't find a reason that I am here.  Or why I should stay here.

I am going through the motions of life right now.  This morning I got up, got in the car, headed for my coffee on auto pilot.  I had 4 errands to run before 930am.  I was a huge success in that I accomplished them all.  Yay me.  I got home and as I was about to make a Weight Watchers friendly breakfast I burst into tears because I couldn't figure out ANY reason why I should bother with, a) Weight Watchers or, b) Eating.  That's what these lows feel like.  I say to myself, why bother with a program, an eating program, I don't want to be here in 6 months so who cares.  And eating, when you are upset eating is the last thing you want.  But I know better.  I know a person needs to eat. 

My biggest eating problem is that I am consistently an inconsistent eater.  In other words, I can go days eating really well, then days of barely eating, then days of binging, only to go back to days of eating bordering on OCD it's so perfectly balanced.  But there's never an in between, a middle ground.  I either overeat or under eat.  And because of that I don't lose weight, more often than not I gain it slowly.  Even with all my working out, I only lost 5 pounds but lost 15 inches.  That's because I gained muscle weight.  I know all this.  I know what's good to eat, what's bad to eat, what helps my Bi Polar what doesn't, what helps you maintain energy what doesn't.  I know it all, I just don't apply it to my daily life.

When you are battling the desire to live, food seems like that last issue to care about.  In the past I got my joy from food.  Now that I am over that hump where the only pleasure I want is superficial in that manner I am really frustrated about what I did to my body.  I don't want to restrict for the rest of my life, but I want to eat to live, not live to eat.  I think I am there.  I am ready.  Now it's just finding the self worth desire to bother.  Why make a salad when you haven't the energy to get in the shower?

This is not how I want to live.  6 months ago I was helping someone I care about fight for their reputation in a lawsuit, I was on fire.  I was taking care of this home, myself, my husband etc etc.  If I had a bad day it was likely because I had been on a high and was crashing.  There was little thought of death, just lows.  Livable lows that doctor's told me they could fix.  Forward six months and today I am having a hard time brushing my hair.  In the last 6 months all that's changed is the doctor added a new drug to my regimen because I was living, but I wasn't living a full life.  I want back to that.  I want to be living again even if it's not fully functioning.  Between Dan, my therapist and I we've decided the new drug introduced back last year has to go.  It's reacting with my brain or my other drugs poorly.  I am not living as I should.  I once was a Bi Polar who wasn't fully functioning, I am no longer.  Today I am non-functional.  It's time to take back control.  I am not doing this alone so you don't have to worry.  There are people behind me backing this decision.  We often hear of people going off their medications and becoming nightmares.  This is not one of those situations.  We have studied the last six months and have come to this conclusion after some serious review.

When I called the psychiatrists office again I was told, "Come to the ER immediately".  He doesn't have free appointments as the Head of the Psychiatric Department.  I had said I was having suicidal ideations so I get their concern I do, and they need to cover themselves.  But in all honesty it's also so the doctor I see can make the time to see me.  He has to when I am in the psyche ward.  I don't want to be committed for any length of time when I can stay home and fight the urge to hurt myself.  I can sedate and rely on my husband to ensure I don't do anything.  Seems like a better idea than lying in a hospital bed feeling this hopeless without any of the comforts of home including the man I love, the dog I love, the house I love.

Oh shit, there it is, reasons to live.  Man, dog, house.  And those are loved by those great two kiddies too.  I think they like me too.  See I can find reasons.  I can do this living thing.  I can.  I think I can. 

DBPW - Day 115 To be or not to be on a diet....

Well I did it.  Last night I went to a Weight Watchers meeting.  Trust me it wasn't easy to go.  When you are in a Bi Polar low you cannot imagine doing anything for yourself, anything that takes time, anything that takes effort.  Like losing weight.  Putting effort into something when you don't feel much like you have a purpose doesn't make sense really.  I am really struggling again with why the fuck I am here?  What is the point?  I write to you fine people, then what?

The meeting was lovely, the people all lovely, even the meeting host, lovely.  I enjoyed it all, for the most part.  I mean the whole being out in public thing was annoying.  Interacting with the human race, UGH!  Kidding.  I jest, they were fine people, mostly older with a couple my age.  The problem I have with Weight Watchers ("WW") is that the diet, the basis for the food you eat in WW, is high in "low fat" products and allows for a carb at every meal. 

First off, low fat.  Low fat means a removal of all things whole and good, and the addition of fake sugar to bring taste back to the product.  For example, a low fat yogurt, or fat free yogurt has been processed until the cows actually go home.  Almost all the protein, the good fats, have been removed and in it's place they've used chemicals and fake sugars.  I know these products are not good for you.  Overall they lack the naturalness of food that should be considered when eating.

Secondly, carbs.  My psychiatrist has asked me to remove all processed sugar and high carbohydrate products from my diet.  They cause an increase in sugar levels, or glucose levels in the body.  And this can cause a phony high.  Carbohydrates cause an increase in energy levels but only for so long, then the sugar levels drop and that can cause a low.

So what to do?  I feel like a little weight loss wouldn't hurt my mind or back pain.  I feel like a little weight loss will give me some superficial self worth and right now that couldn't hurt considering I am seemingly always low these days.  I am not exactly rolling in self worth.  My back, well it's bad.  I just had a nerve blocker injected into my spine through my tailbone and frankly, it still hurts.  That's me carrying my stomach weight around, let's be real.  My back has only gotten worse with every pound gained.  If I lost some weight from the front of my back, the stomach area, then my back could only feel better.

What to do?  Time to talk to my therapist, a nurse practitioner and nutritionist from days past.  Time to talk to my husband.  Is it really so bad to have carbs?  If they are in moderation and whole grains?  I am not sure I agree with him.  I get that chips and French fries, not the best choices.  But a potato, small, or some brown rice?  I think with the right balance there may be less of an issue here than we are making?  Maybe I can make do with some low fat products in the interim and adjust the whole plan of Weight Watcher to accommodate full fat products and their point values?

I don't know.  Much like the rest of my issues, I don't have the answers, I wish I did.  I will let you know what I decide.  For now I am going to pout that no one seems to have the answers for me, as usual. 

Sometimes life's a bigger bitch than I am.   I am really struggling here people so if you are having a bad day, check, me too. 

Tuesday, May 27, 2014

DBPW - Day 114 A wee meltdown...just a wee one.

Well did we have a meltdown last night?  Or did we have a meltdown last night?  I don't know what you did, but I sure did. 

After running around in the city and seeing doctor after dreaded doctor I got home 12 hours later, having overate/under-ate all day, and finally, just crashed.  I had a rapid cycling moment right into the toilet.  I climbed into bed around 815pm and by 830pm I was sobbing uncontrollably for the apparent loss of my life to Bi Polar.  This happens when you see doctor after doctor in one day.  You get tired and cranky about having to see people who really don't offer up much in the way of solutions.  You can cause a Bi Polar low just by your environment, and how you take care of yourself.  And last night because of exhaustion and likely plunging and climbing sugar levels I crashed hard.  When you crash or hit a low with Bi Polar you cannot see the forest through the trees.  You just can't.  I couldn't understand why doctors couldn't fix me, why my husband hadn't left me and why I was in any way important to anyone.  I was so unhappy I couldn't possible make anyone else happy so why was I here?  The big life question I like to struggle with, why am I here?   

 I didn't do a very good job of this yesterday.  I need to remember the body mind link more often.
My husband quickly tucked me into bed, curled up with me and he watched TV as he got me to sleep.  I am forever nervous about the toll I take on that man.  If he's not taking care of me he's being pushed away from me by me, a lot.  From the time I got home until I crashed I had barely spoken a word to him.  I was pushing him away because I knew if I looked him in the eye I would cry, I would mourn our relationship not even lost.  I would be sad.  I almost always let my guard down with this man so if I try to keep him at arm's length then I don't have to feel anything.  It never works.  The minute the tears show up all I want is my husband. 

I can honestly say I am not sure I could love as unconditionally as my husband does.  I suppose I do with his children.  All I know is I am sure glad he does and I am forever grateful for it because I would feel very alone otherwise.  Well to be honest I am not sure I would be here without him asking me to fight for it.  To fight this disease's desire to take over and make you bend, bend to it's will.  Dan gives me the strength to carry on.  He does that.  It's partially why I need to get to this Center (a psychiatric/rehab center I'm on the wait list for) and get into some intensive care.  I need to find the strength inside me to fight this, not burden him always with my reason for living.  I need to be my own strength.  I guess I have some strength I don't give myself credit for because I do fight this stupid thing, every day.   

Could you imagine if I actually gave myself credit and valued myself even solely for fighting this disease?  It was for this reason, and this reason alone I got a phone call today from someone.  They saw me devaluing myself because of another person's actions and they wanted/needed to set me straight.  In doing so, we were both able to share a bit and learn from each other.  It was a rewarding call for me, it really was. 

This person and I who chatted, we've known each other for years but I wouldn't call us friends.  We are acquaintances who found ourselves in a similar boat.  Interconnected to someone whom we've both fallen and/or chose to fall out of favour with.  I say it that way because no matter what, we are always reacting or acting when dealing with another human being.  We are either reacting to their actions or we are acting and they are reacting.  It's never a one way street this interacting thing.  When we got to talking we realized how much we both gave in our mutual relationships and never got an equivalent amount in return.  This is what became perfectly clear and helped us both heal.  We both realized what we gave was never returned. 

I never stopped caring in this relationship I just realized they didn't.  It's hard to accept because always wonder why not?

All this time I had been punishing myself for not being good enough to warrant a solid friendship but it's not been me.   It's been about someone who has made a conscious decision to give to the world only so much of themselves but take as much as they can get.  And not do so authentically, as their real selves either.  It says much. 

Is this a selfish choice do you think?  Or a safe one where the balance is forever in your favour?  Smart or selfish.  Selfish and smart?

At least I have learned, I deserve better.  I give better, and I get better in return from those I love. 

Today I choose to love those that deserve my love. 

Monday, May 26, 2014

DBPW - Day 113 A day in the city....

When you have Bi Polar and suffer from anxiety from it, it's not easy to go from the country life to the big city.  Especially when you are in the city and you make appointments kind of back to back.  It why in the middle of these appointments I scheduled some time with a friend and her baby.  Babies make things better. 

I got up this morning at 6am to head out by 645am.  I had an appointment at the Pain Clinic at 845am.  This is where I get an epidural in my tailbone which nerve blocks my spine for pain.  He then puts random shots across the low back to help with overall area pain.  To say it itself is painful is an understatement, the understatement of the century.  I could tell today that my meditation strengths are weaning because I wasn't able to meditate the severity of the pain away.  But none the less, I took it like a man.  Like the man I am....wait.  Boys are always passing out in there from the same shot.  I took it like a WOman.  The woman that I am.  There was no swearing or cursing.  When he asked how I was all I said was, "well my ass has felt better".  Being my tailbone I meant.  It didn't seem to surprise him at all.

Now remember I am supposed to be easing off sugars right. Well I ran late this morning and didn't get a chance to grab some snacks for the car.  Well hello there drive through why yes I will have a bagel with cream cheese and say "fuck it" in my head and got a donut to go with it.  I was batting 1000 before 8am today.

*head hangs in shame*

From the spine shot I decided I was up for more pain so I booked a doctors appointment.  I haven't seen my family doctor in 6 months and when you take as many pharmaceuticals as I do and have these mood swings, you really ought to.  She's none to pleased with my lack of attendance. 

*head hangs in further shame*

I had a good two plus hours to kill so I headed straight for one of my favorite people on the planet who then went and had a baby that happens to BE the favorite person on earth right now.  Babies are just the best.  It's so painfully clear with them.  Give them what they want or they will cry for it.  What they want ranges from food, to diaper to sleep.  Done, the end.  In between it's all gurgles and screeches, raspberries and giggles.  I know I know, being a Mom isn't JUST that but for visitors, it is, and it's bliss.  Least for me it is.  This baby is da' bomb.  I'd post her picture here but that's not for me to do.  She has the bluest of sky blue eyes with a dark blue rim around them.  She has the whitest of eyebrows they are almost translucent and the blondest of blond hair.  Her little face is very Gerber baby worthy and I just wanna eat her.  (I didn't eat her just so you know, she's alive and well, least when I left she was.) My "in between time" was well spent being spit all over and having my face grabbed with baby spittle covered hands.  Perfection.

From there I headed to the family doctor to be reminded that "I have a patient worse off than you and one in better shape, it just depends on the person with this disease.  All we can do is keep trying".  I cried.  I always do.  Perhaps it's why I don't want to go huh?  I feel guilty I don't go.  I feel guilty I need big pharma, I feel helpless.  She doesn't talk to my shrink, my shrink doesn't seem to keep her informed so I am stuck in the middle reporting to both of them that I don't feel well and stuck wondering if either of them truly give a fuck. 


While I was in the doctor's office having a hot flash I asked her if there was anything we could do BEFORE the scheduled hysterectomy to rid me off my awful period and peri menopause symptoms and don't you know it, the pill.  The pill could help me.  My surgeon had mentioned trying the pill to take a stab at the endometriosis I have but she never said it might help me in general.  Again, no one talking to no one.  Apparently not only could the pill help reduce the inflammation that is endometriosis (endo) but can also help with the horrid symptoms of peri menopause.  Here's hoping.  The hysterectomy is the permanent solution to the endo and menopause.  Just take it all and let's move on please, that's my opinion.

As I was waiting in the pharmacy in line there was a youngish Mom and her son who was probably just under 2 years of age.  He was walking and talking well enough.  He climbed into a chair and took off his own shoe and tried to re-tie it so one can only assume.  He was very upset.  He wanted his Mommy's attention and she was busy with the pharmacist.  So he and I held hands and went all around the store pointing at things he wanted but couldn't have.  The want part went well, the couldn't have not so much.  We had no tears, then almost tears, then no tears, then almost tears.  It was a very trying time for us both.  When he left he climbed into his mothers arms and then, of all things, held his arms out to me.  She said, "he wants a hug, I hope you don't mind as he will cry worse if I leave without allowing such things".  So I got a hug, from the cutest curly haired cherub with snot all over his crying face.  UGH!  *wipes sweater*

Now I had to get back in my car and head two hours back up north to my home and my shrink as that appointment was today too.  Did I mention I had a bagel and donut at 9am.  It was now 2pm and I hadn't had anything else yet.  I am aware, trust me I am.  I know if you don't feed a starving tummy it will retain whatever you do put it in.  I also know the longer you go without food the more you will want when you do finally eat.  Your cravings and volume will be out of control.  I know all this but as I ran around trying to find feminine hygiene products I didn't care much about food.  That's right, the doctor nor the pharmacist in the doctors office had nary a napkin.  I know Too Much Information.  I told you I wouldn't lie or hold back so I am not.  I have the mensies from hell and napkins are all I can wear most days and most of the times I gamble without, I lose.  The "other"  (dare I say the word tampon in case there's a man on here) don't cut the mustard for this girl.   The nurse in the doctor's office brought me a panty liner at one point, I just laughed in her adorable dumb ass little face. 

After driving another two hours I arrived at my shrink a little early and sat in the waiting room for about a half hour.  Long enough for two patients, that's right two patients to go through.  The first woman left in the middle of her appointment and yelled "I am not a fucking idiot" down the hallway as she left and the next guy was in and out in under ten minutes.  You see my shrink is now just a pill dispenser.  It's what he does, stabilizes people with drugs.  There is no therapy.  You want that you go elsewhere frankly.  And I do.  Thank god.  I walked in, updated him on the fact that when I went off the anti depressant I became Cruella deVille and my pain went through the roof.  He told me what to do, crossed checked the birth control pill to my other drugs and done.  I too was out in 5 minutes with a follow up in two months.  Well oiled pharmacy he is.  I feel like cattle in there to be honest.  I don't feel cared about.  Just cattle.  But it is what it is, he's there to stabilize my drugs and that's it.  I can't wait to go away to the clinic for a month and have people present themselves like they actually care about my well being. I am in need of that right now. 

Upon departing there I decided I was hungry enough to go the McDonald's route and top off my morning donut but instead I went Swiss Chalet.  But I did fries.  It was my way of saying "fuck it" to him ("you need to cut back on processed sugars"), to myself, to my earlier donut and to the world.  I now have indigestion but man, did I show them! 

I think tomorrow night I might start Weight Watchers.  I need something more to focus on, to care about and caring about me doesn't seem to be enough.  I promised myself I wouldn't focus on weight but with days like today, with this bad pattern of eating, I might need a better focus.  You will know when I know tomorrow after 630pm (when it is) whether I go or not.  I will report back.  I think I just need some superficial self esteem and weight loss might just be the ticket.  I know that sounds awful as I said I wouldn't focus on weight but right now perhaps some focus on weight wouldn't hurt.  Certainly couldn't hurt my back to get some weight off it now could it.

It's been a busy day.  I actually think at before 7pm I might go lie down and just take it all in.  Maybe I will just think about my time with those little humans who's worlds are so small and yet so traumatic at the same time.  God help you miss bottle time, god help you.

I guess that goes for adults too, look what happened when I missed my bottle (a proper meal) today, it all went to hell in a hand basket.

P.S. If you honk and then cut me off on a Red Light no right turn light you are gonna get followed, for a looooong time, until you are good and nervous.  I'm Bi Polar bitches, I can get away with crazy assed behaviour like that.  What's your excuse?  You're just a douche bag.  Yeah I said douche bag twice. 

Sunday, May 25, 2014

DBPW - Day 112 Oh to be 14 again....

The funny thing is, I say "ohhh to be..." but 14 for me was a hard time.  My Mom had lost her mind from my parents divorce, and my Father was just gone.  So, no, I don't wish to be 14 again.  I wish to be of the age where all you cared and worried about was "what to do next" and you went until you fell asleep practically standing upright. 

Certainty that the day is young.

I have watched these youngsters all weekend and they've been decently responsible kids.  Each time I've walked in around a meal time they've been eating fruits or vegetables, with a side of cupcakes or candy but still, there was healthy in the mix.  You're never too old for a cupcake or candy with a side of fruits and vegetables!

They are picking up after themselves in that they don't seem to want to lose the cool t-shirts and shorts they love so they go on missions to find where they last left their shit.  Their phones are never lost, "like" ever.  They are so glued to those things it's surprising they know where they are at.  I keep expecting one to walk into a door frame they are so glued to them.  But again, responsible for them, they don't misplace those much.  Good thing too as they are all sporting IPhone 5s. 

There is never a shortage of things to do up here.  We live in a house on the lake, in cottage country.  The girls that have cottage'd or gone to camp before are continually hopping into canoes or kayaks and going out for little tours.  The city girls tend to stay in suntan mode up on the deck.  I am just happy to see half of them enjoying sports of any kind rather than JUST lying around.  When they are not in or on the water they are on the trampoline playing silly made up games that they come up with on the fly and don't care that the rules are being made just as fast and only to help each other win the game.  Doesn't seem to bother them in the slightest.

There's 4 of them up here, four 14 year old girls so there's a democracy in that everything seems to be done by a vote, when they tie, they ask me to break the tie.  I go with whomever has the least "silliest idea" I've informed them of this decision making power of mine and they rely on my vote without a disgruntled commentary. 

I've been fighting off this feeling of being antsy with nothing to do.  It's a Bi Polar thing where you feel like you are bursting with energy but you have no idea where or how to burn it and you wonder why you even have it as nothing seems worth it.  It's a very worthless feeling, like you are buzzing for no reason.  And I keep thinking, "life's not so bad girl, calm down, read a book, take a walk, just enjoy". 

And then I hear them giggling from 200 feet away up on the boathouse rooftop sundeck.

If only as adults we lived life so simply.

We'd be a lot happier if we stopped worrying about the bill and just paid what we could when we could and didn't worry about it in between.

Saturday, May 24, 2014

DBPW Day 111 - Gaggle of Giggling Girls....

"Jesus, it sounds like there's a hundred of the fucking things down there".

That's how my husband expressed his surprise over how loud 4 giggling school girls can be down our looooong hallway.  They actually bounced off the walls and came down to us in sound as clear as a whistle.  It startled him right off his seat as he thought there were more of them than he had brought home all of the sudden.  It was hysterical for me as he has NO IDEA how loud they can be.  They had barely touched the "gaggling giggling" surface.

And they keep moving.  Our house is a ranch house, all one level, but it's 4000 square feet of just house, let alone double garage and guest area.  It's really long.  Like really long.  And my husband keeps losing track of the gaggle.  They appear at the laundry room, he walks down the hall, they are gone, now they are at the front door.  We women when together, unless there's alcohol to tie us down, we don't stop moving.  Maybe if there's enough food we will.  He keeps missing them.  "Was that Emma?" he said this morning.  "Yes" I said, "she's in her room".  So he yells down the hallway, "Don't move, just stay where you are until I find you".  Was awesome.

I guess they are having a good time considering they haven't stopped moving or giggling yet.  All clear, so far.  It's when any or all end in tears that we have a problem.  Nine times out of ten it's mine because they are making her crazy and she doesn't want to tell anyone, she keeps it bottled up until her head wants to explode. I can relate.  I roll that way too, though typically I let it out before my head pops off.  She doesn't.  She gets a migraine.  Poor thing.  Yell at someone already!

I guess there's a girl up here who has never been away from home, as in further away from the city than a half hour without her parents for more than a night.  She takes 7 different type of after school activities and in the car on the way, she read a book rather than watched a movie the entire drive.  This is the kid I want to keep an eye on.  This is social suicide for her if she can't keep it together but this is a big step trying to put up with 3 girls for an entire weekend for the first time.  She will be my little pet, I will take her under my wing.  Well, her and my own of course. 

By my own I mean step daughter.  I just, "my own", as when she is here, technically she is my own responsibility, I am the stand in parent.  It's my job to step in for her mother who can no longer be here while at the same time recognizing she has, and doesn't need, another Mommy.  She has one already.  It's a fine line of parenting this step parent thing is.  I am good at it.  I know that.  She is lucky to have me if I do say so m'self.  I learned a lot from my parents failed attempts at divorce parenting and I swore I would never do that to a child.  And I haven't.  I know the kids Mom has done some typical step parent bashing, and that's okay, egos are a fragile thing.  I will just never put my own fragile one ahead of the kids needs.  Never. 


Being a step parent basically means you accept fully, that you will always come in second place.  Sometimes even in third to the ex.  The kids are always first and sometimes when there's like a funeral or a wedding and it's uncomfortable, you need to step back and say, "okay the kids and their mother come first here" and I am okay with that.  I will always do what is best for those kids.  Don't get me wrong, if I have to stand up for myself I will but not at the expense of the kids.  Ever.  There is no need, I don't need have my ego fulfilled at their expense.  Draining their fragile developing egos to fill my own makes me sick to think of.  Shameful. 

My husband just came in to inform me what piggy's little girls are.  I guess he went over to the guest area and they had made a pigsty of the joint.  LOL  The garbage was over flowing.  Swizzle stick wrappers were all over the floor with leftover sugar.  Blurp goo was left on a tray on the ottoman and had soaked right through.  I guess I will need to go see and have a what for with these little monsters.  There is a respect lesson that needs to sometimes be reminded at this age.  14 is about the right time to learn what respect for property means don't you think?  The expense of things?  It's okay, the ottoman was only custom made for the couches for about 2 grand.  I am sure between the 4 of them they can afford it, dontcha think???

Back in a jiffy.

It wasn't as bad as he said.  Was worse last year.  Girls are disgusting.  Even when I have girlfriends over I am forever running behind everyone with a cloth.  I just like things clean and organized where I think most women because they keep everything clean and organized all week, give up on a girls weekend.  I can't stand a sticky counter.  Makes me crazy(ier).  I think most Bi Polar people would say they have a little OCD, and mine shines when there are a lot of people around making little livable messes that my mind deems unlivable. 

The gaggle are off canoeing now so I am going to read a book and try to focus on anything other than being Bi Polar, having PMS and menopause.  Let's see what a little Danielle Steele can do to make me forget shall we.  And yes, I admit to reading her fluff.  I barely read the pages, I can be distracted all day and never lose my place as each book barely varies from the other.  I will read something deeper during the week I promise, to make up for it.  It's a guilty cottage like pleasure.  Live with it.

I am sure you have some hidden cottage secrets, mine is Danielle Steele on a kids weekend, what's yours?

Friday, May 23, 2014

DBPW - Day 110 Chelsea Handler date night

The date that almost didn't happen. 
This weekend my step daughter is having 3 girlfriends up, as the final part to her month long birthday celebration.  I kid you not, it's been a month since the ACTUAL day.  The kid takes after my own heart she does.  For the party, they will all sleep out in the guest area.  There's a little kitchen, living room, bathroom, and two bedrooms.  It's connected to the house via the garage.  It's like a little in law suite.  I prepare for the onslaught by stocking the fridge out there with good healthy fruits and vegetables and the rest of the place with what one can only call toxic "eats".  I don't think it's right to call the Gummy Worm,  a "food" product.  There's pop, juice, and TON of water bottles attached to pipe dreams that they will drink them. 

I put a table cloth on the table then stock the table with nail polish remover, remover pens, driers, etc so they have a station to do each others nails.  And finally, let's not forget the glow in the dark bracelets and Blurp containers.  14 year olds are still little girls at heart and the fart noises the Blurp makes will quietly, behind closed doors, crack them up.  I did all this running around Thursday, well most of it, and the food prep this morning. 
Thursday was the problem day.  Let's focus there shall we?

I got up and headed to the gym as I normally do.  About 3/4s of the way through my work out I felt the telltale sure signs of a hot flash.  Heat, first and foremost, but almost followed by with cold flashes, or cold rushes in between, dizziness, light headiness, and nausea.  I am describing it for those of you that don't suffer (f*ck you) or for those that do ('bout sums it up don't ya' think?).  They are horrific and if you are a heavier girl like me well, they make you feel about as attractive as Honey Boo Boo's Momma June in her camouflage polyester panties on a hot July day down south when the air conditioning be broked. (spelling and grammar intentional). 

I left the gym and sat in my car with the heated seat on and the air conditioner blasting.  Yes you read that right.  You see the hot flashes only come when I have PMS.  PMS makes me cold all the time and my nipples, well I am surprised they haven't cut through the fabric in my clothes yet.  When I crank the A/C it stops the sweating, then I freeze to death (enter nipples) so I put both on.  It's like my body is Bi Polar too.  I am cold, no I am hot.  Cold, hot.  Stop that, no you stop that.  There was nothing pretty about what was going on in my car yesterday or why.  Men get earrings, convertibles and a new girlfriend at midlife and we get this shit.  And they wonder why we punish them by sharing aaaaaaaallllllllll about it.
Thankfully after the gym I only had to drag that ugly hot mess (being me) to Food Basics and Dollerama, both lower end stores in the low end nearby town where I know no one.  I was told the only people that move to this small town are people who have family in the large jail or are working for the jail.  Believe you me, you can tell the difference in the two.  I was someone with family in the jail yesterday, dripping sweat in my soaked gym clothes.  If it wasn't for the soft leather camel coloured purse and Cadillac truck, I would have been given store membership discounts FOR SURE.  When I make fun of the local rednecks, trust me, it's as close as Honey Boo Boo as it gets in those stores some days.  I cannot begin to tell you without getting very rude and that's just not in my nature.  Just know, yesterday, I fit right in with the locals.  
When I got home the cleaning lady was here, thank god.  I couldn't have cleaned the floors yesterday if my life depended on it.  I was melting on the spot and because of the PMS my back was screaming.  I went over to the guest area to make beds and set the area up for the girls.  I didn't stop basically from 8am to about 3pm.  The hot flash would start to dissipate and the minute I got going too hard, WHAM back it came.  It was the day from hell.  That said the guest area looks great and is all ready for the girls tonight.  

I needed to get most of it done and out of the way because we had tickets to see Chelsea Handler do her stand up show last night.  The Casino she was at is an hour and a bit drive from us.   We had planned on leaving the house around 5pm, drive the hour and a half, have dinner and get to the doors for 8pm.  There is nothing worse than walking in on a comedian mid performance, "...and hey look at these two strolling in as I am talking".  Then I jump on stage and things go down hill from there.
At around 330pm I decided to hit the showers (being the athlete that I am, I hit the showers like a football player).  I had laid out 3 pairs of pants to try on, one shirt, several shoe options for fun, and a scarf or two.   I knew the temperature was going to drop last night.  I laid out 3 pairs of pants in hopes the first ones I wanted to wear would fit, and two other options just in case they didn't.  I have lost a tiny amount of weight at the gym but quite a few inches so I had high hopes for my outfit.  It's like playing fucking Russian Roulette with a night on the town for a heavier girl with low self esteem to not have an outfit picked out, tried on the night before and ready to go, it really is. 

I got in the shower and got the hot flash under control.  When I got out I felt almost normal.  I did my makeup (really I did! eyes and everything) and hair.  The hair dryer started to cause some heat so I stopped and put my hair back in a clip.   It was too late, the dryer had triggered a hot flash and now I had to try on clothes.  Damn it, there was not going to be a happy ending here.  I get the flashes doing almost anything for the full time I have PMS.  If I don't move, at all, sometimes I am okay, just sometimes.  I say that cause I get them in my sleep and last time I checked I am just lying there.  I kept going...I am a strong woman, I could do this.  I can get dressed during a hot flash. I can do this.  I can.   This is where I am teaching you strength.  We can do this, come along with me.  We can.  I am an inspiration.  Do you know how hard it is to put on a fitted cotton bra shelved tank top on during a hot flash?  Imagine a wet suit on a wet body.  Enough said.
I zipped up my pants.  You can too! 
The two pairs of jeans I wanted to wear fit, I could zip them up!  Yay.  *drips sweat*  But it wasn't pretty.  Think sausage links.  *heavy breath*  They might be yummy, but they are not pretty.  The last pair of pants were a better fit but they were a standard chunky monkey old lady pants.  Stretch Capri, high waisted jeans.  I mean come on.  I was a walking stereotype in my ballet flats and Capris.  Could I have been more original? 

In a final fit of despair I ripped off my clothes and stood in the closet naked just getting air on my body.  Then I calmly and efficiently put all the clothes away.  I  took my make up off, washed my face, put on a pair of cotton shorts and a slub, off the shoulder tee, and went and sat next to my husband on the couch.  In his way, he turned to me and said, "What's happening, this doesn't look like night out clothes for you?"  I said politely, (as only I CAN), "I am not fucking going.  I can't stop the hot flashes.  My back is killing me.  And all my clothes just called me fat.  Forget it, we aren't going".

Poor guy.

He sat and pondered this information for a minute and finally said, "Did they really call you fat, like out loud?".  

"You're not funny" I said. 

"No, I suppose right now I am not, but we are going whether you like it or not", he said.

"You can't make me", I said. 

"No I can't but I want to go and I want you to come with me so I don't look like an idiot there by myself.  Come on, let's go.  I will burn those bad clothes for you", he said.

"Fine, but I am not happy about it", I said.

Under his breath he muttered, "And that's different how?" 

"I heard that you son of a bitch", I said. 

"I meant you to", he said.

And there it was, I started to laugh. 

I went and threw on a maxi skirt knotted at one side to show off a funky pair of crotchet gladiator sandals and a big over sized see through sweater with a new drier aforementioned fitted bra shelved tank.  When the husband got out of the shower I jumped all over him and said, "you're supposed to say I am beautiful".  He immediately laughed at me and said, "maybe you would let me put on my glasses first so I could say it while actually seeing you".  He really does make me laugh.  Damn him.  I really want to be miserable and he won't let me.

We drove most of the way and stopped and ate wings at a dive on the side of the highway.  Just like we used to do when we dated.  He loves wing joints because they remind him of dating me and our getting together.  He gets all mushy when he speaks of the place we used to go.  We talked for the hour we were there about anything and everything.  We walked hand in hand through the crowd to get to our seats at the show.  We watched Handler put on a hilarious, somewhat uncomfortable comedy act.  She likes to make people squirm that girl does.  The entire show my husband had his arm around my shoulder like he was proud to be with his beautiful wife.   

After the show as we were driving home my husband says, "I never understood comedy shows, I just don't get it, I don't like them, never have."

And that my friends is why I love my husband.  I hope that this story of love and marriage inspires you because it's what you should have, the best and the worst of this crazy thing called middle aged marriage. 
 If you learn anything, anything at all, from me, then you can say this too.  You're welcome. 

Thursday, May 22, 2014

DBPW - Day 109 Divorce anyone?

I guess I didn't quite snap out of that funk. 

I am fighting a low, I think.  Fighting hard enough that last night I said to my husband, out of nowhere really, "You sure you don't want to divorce me?" I was serving him pot roast I'd cooked all day in the slow cooker with fresh mushrooms, mini potatoes and baby carrots with a side of flash steamed broccoli (keeps it crisp) with garlic butter.  Being that I am obviously such a bad wife I figured I'd better ask over dinner.   I felt it an appropriate, over dinner conversation.  This was after we started the day taking the dog for a walk, walking hand in hand, for a mile at 7am.  Do you think I should ask him again and make sure he doesn't want to divorce me?  It's really not clear is it?

I am not the most confident person on the planet.  Shocking I know.  I know weight has something to do with it but mostly I grew up without being given many self esteem development learning tools.  I wasn't taught self love (don't go all dirty minded on me, I learned that later in life).  When I was very little my father treated me like an angel but he left when my parents split, very suddenly, very abruptly, without any preparation for me, his little angel.  My mother fell apart leaving me very much alone at 12 years old.  This is about the age when you most need your parents to be teaching you how much you really matter to the world.  I didn't get that.  End of story.  I missed that part of childhood.  It happens. 

I am very much aware of what I didn't get, very much aware why, and I know that my parents did the best they could with the tools they had.  It doesn't change what I don't know, and that is, that I have value.  I just don't have confidence in myself.  When I worked, I had confidence in my bitchiness, I questioned my abilities constantly.  Even though I was good at my job, I know that, I was always fighting to have others acknowledge my value.  I always felt undervalued, mostly because I was doing it to myself.  I wasn't confident enough in my own capabilities.  If others, outside sources, weren't reinforcing my value, then I had very little. 

Even when I am thinner, I am no more confident than I am now.  Superficially I think I am.  But if I was authentically more self confident I wouldn't go chasing men CONSTANTLY.  I mean chasing like an Olympic competitive sport.  All I do when I am thin is party.  I am looking for the party and if there isn't one, I am the life of one.  I am trying to find self worth in others.  I know that now, I see my past with men, VERY clearly.   I look to them to give me self worth.

As usual.

My husband dated my past, my pain and my guilt, he didn't marry it.  By the time we got married I had already started to pack up my past.  It's well behind me now save for my self esteem. It's the only remaining issue of my past.  I love my parents for who they are, they did the best they could.  When I dated my husband I didn't speak to my parents, now I do anytime they, or I, chose to speak.  I do so without any regard for what's right or wrong, what's obligation, or guilt, I just do when I want. 
Because of my lack of self esteem my husband must be strong and patient.  It takes a lot of strength and patience to hear the same story about the same friends that hurt me over and over again.  Why honey, tell me whaaaaayyyeee?  Why didn't they love me enough to care, is that it? I am unlovable, is that it?  "Because they're assholes" (not entirely true but a good effort on his part), he says plainly and simply.  In his eyes this is explanation enough.  I just want to understand the why's of the world and some times, we simply aren't meant to and that's our learning curve in life, to learn to let go.  Simply learning how to let go when something isn't going our way.  Let it go. 
Imagine how much strength it takes not to strangle me when I asked for the 900th time if he wants to divorce me cause I am such a pain in the ass.  He's like Thor strong ma' husband is. 
My husband cannot fix my scars, only I can.  And I will.  My only goal when I go away to Homewood (a psychiatric/rehab facility I am on the wait list for) is to find an honest and authentic sense of self.  I will come home to my husband as the woman he sees through his eyes, that I wish I could see. 
I don't ask my husband for a divorce because I don't love him.  I ask him for one because I do.  Because I feel he deserves better than me.  I trust that he isn't cheating or giving me reason to divorce him, I honestly feel he deserves better than me. 
The only thing I know how to do really well is survive and right now, that's what I am doing, trying to survive myself.  I am my own worst enemy.  I am not in the dangerous lows territory, just PMS, menopause, Bi Polar bullshit that starts off slowly and some times weans off.  And some times, increases.  Time will tell.  Tonight I am off to see Chelsea Handler stand up comedy with the soon to be ex husband (Joking!), so that should cheer me up. 
Tomorrows a new day.  I promise to be a little more optimistic then.  I am just having a bad day.  I am more grumpy than down anyways, I can live with grumpy pants, they're comfier.
Don't divorce me yet okay?  Keep reading, I will be wittier tomorrow.  Promise.