Wednesday, December 31, 2014

2015 Resolutions - I got this shit!

I will continue to work each and every minute of each and every day.  Trying to stay as positive as possible.  (If staying positive means yelling at strangers in fits of road rage, so be it.  I am not perfect). 
I will not hide my head in the sand about life.  About the reality that is life.  (The Kardashians are going nowhere, that's reality).
I will not pretend things are alright when they are not.  I will just accept them as not alright and work on a solution.  (I will yell when I need to.  But I will not throw stuff anymore.  I will wear my big girl pants instead). 
I will not sweat the small stuff.  (I have hot flashes, I sweat enough).
I will not whine when things are not alright.  (I will yell.  I already promised, see points above). 
I will take ownership for my own shit.  I will see the shit.  I will address the shit.  I will adjust my thinking about the shit.  And I will move on from the shit.  (That's me flushing life's big ol' toilet).  
I will not try to adjust my body to fit others ideas of perfection.  I will adjust my thinking to alter their misconceptions.  (Yep, I am confused too).
I will not blame those around me for my negative thoughts.  (It's my head.  There isn't room for your stuff in here.  The UHaul is rented, time to go).
I will be as healthy as happy can bring me.  And as happy as healthy can bring me. ( Nope, I didn't understand it either). 
I will not obsess.  (Really, I won't.  No seriously, I won't.  Are you listening?  I will not do it.  No really, I won't.  Maybe I will.  No, wait. I won't). 
I will not try to stop the aging process.  I will laugh until the laugh lines are as deep as the ocean.  (And when that happens I will research the effects of Botox thoroughly). 
I will try to dance in the rain at least once.  (Sober). 
And if all else fails.....
I will give it a go.  Will you?
And last, but certainly not least.  I promise to put this cartoon on my desktop screen to remind myself to lie on my back in the grass and pretend I am flying.   (Again, soberly).

Happy New Year everyone. 

2014 was a bitch.  I am going to make 2015 ma' bitch.  Thanks for reading.  Thanks for being a friend. 

Just, awwww shucks, *kicks at floor shyly*....thanks.

P.S.  In honour of two friends.  I will believe in Unicorns in 2015.   

Saturday, December 27, 2014

A Christmas Gift

When my in laws arrived on Christmas morning I could tell they were surprised.  I was dressed nicely.   I had this paste stuff on my face called makeup.  My hair was blown out in a style some might call a, “hair style”.  And there was a twinkly light in my eye that said, “how do ya’ like me now?”  I was different. 

I hadn’t seen my in laws, whom I love, since perhaps Easter.  I am pretty good at hiding shit so I was there, in theory, that weekend in the spring but I was not this Christmas girl.  I had been withdrawn, short tempered, no makeup, hair pulled back in some kind of “get out of my face you waste of time” hair restrainer, and I didn’t smile genuinely. 

I smile genuinely now. 

The last time I spent significant time with my in laws was a year and a half ago when we spent a week together at a rented cottage on Lake Michigan with friends and other family as well.  Typically we spend a night or two with our in laws.  I think that’s pretty common.  In Michigan it was a week.  They got to see me struggle.  I can only pretend for so long that everything is okay, when in fact, it was not okay.  And that week I struggled.  I couldn’t go out to dinner one evening, choosing instead to cry in bed.  I was short tempered with everyone, choosing instead to snap than listen and understand.  I didn’t sleep.  They noticed. 

I had no genuine smile.  There was one plastered on my face.  It was far from real.

I was battling a long drawn out depressive state.  Whether driven by the Bi Polar disorder or the Borderline Personality traits piling up around me.  I was not well.  As some of you may know, my Bi Polar is not a forgone conclusion.  I may not be, but the medication is working and you don’t mess with a good thing.  I have my Highs and Lows like everyone else now, they are reasonable.  Perhaps it was the Borderline.  Years of personality traits built up around me to defend my inner child.  None of them reasonable traits in reasonable situations.  Who knows?  What do we know now?  I was falling apart.  And it had taken years to get there.  After years of struggling finally a doctor paid attention but unfortunately he was too busy to notice the fact the medication he prescribed has the worst side effect there is.  I became suicidal.  And I fought it hard.  I had suicidal thoughts, every minute of every day for 7 straight months.  In June of 2014 I couldn’t take it anymore and I tried to take my own life.  That started a cycle of healing through learning that was the hardest, most phenomenal time of my life.  First there was the brief hospital stay.  It was during this time those closest to me gathered.  They finally saw what I had been desperately trying to hide.  I was losing the battle to mental illness.  They decided I would go into a long term program and get the care I needed.  That led me to a wonderful hospital where I would spend 60 days learning to find my genuine smile again.
...and sometimes you need help climbing up that first step.
And that led me to greet two very grateful in laws at my door on Christmas Day.  Per my mother in law, “This girl in front of me is the greatest Christmas gift I could ask for.  For you and my son.” 

Had I known I would never had lined up for that jacket I bought her for Christmas.  *laugh*

Sometimes the journey seems endless.  Seems unforgiving.  Seems unbearable.  Then you see your face in the mirror in front of you and you know you are a better person having taken that journey.

Wait 'til you meet her.  You're gonna love her!