DBPW Day 116 - I will fight my way through this, I will...

If it weren't for this blog all you would hear from me is silence.  I wouldn't share my pain, I wouldn't sob online.  I would be dead quiet, keeping it all unto myself.  The pain starts and ends with me.  You don't have to be a part of this.  I don't like to share.  Even with my husband when it starts to hurt, when the pain builds inside of me as a low overtakes me I start to push him.  I push him hard.  I want him to leave, because if he stays I might break into a million little pieces in his arms.  So I push him away with silence.  Just as I would you if I hadn't promised. 

I promised I would write this blog so that others who suffer from mental illness realized they weren't alone. This blog has helped me in that it offers me access to people who wouldn't otherwise know me, know the battles that rage on inside me.  I feel like I am doing something good with this disease.  

This morning I awoke and my first thought was, "for god sakes, go back to sleep, you don't want to be awake".  And I didn't, so I did.  But it wasn't long before my 8pm bedtime made my 8am ass get up to face another day.  I wasn't sure what that day was going to hold, I always awake hopeful the day will be better than the last when I am low.  It's the only way you can actually force yourself up.  If you awoke thinking today's going to be worse, you'd never get up.  Why would you bother?

 

 

Every day I wake up and I never know who is going to be in control of my brain.  Me, the real me, the lovable, giving, selfless me, or the one who's broken.  The brain that doesn't function the way it should, the brain that has highs and lows outside of my control.  All I can do is fight it, with everything I have and am.  The real me isn't made of strength, it's made of insecurities and love, that's all.  But she fights, she fights hard.  And sometimes she gives in to the pull of pain. 

 

I hurt, a lot these days.  My medicines are not balancing my Bi Polar at all.  I am forever either anxious or violently depressed.  Not violence against another, but towards myself.  Perpetuating my self loathing.  It's not a pretty head space to be in. 

 

When I am on point, in the game, I write lovely things about remembering to hold onto the little things, a kids laughter, or a coffee by the lake on the weekend. 

 

When I am off, it's dark and self loathing.

 

Trust me I would rather be reminding you why life is so important.  Because that would mean I saw purpose to being here.  I knew there was a reason I was here.  To remind you of what's important.   

 

I will get my meds right.  We are working hard on this now.  Dan and I have started tracking everything I do, up time, bed time, feelings, food, meds.  We are now decreasing the overall Bi Polar med because they seem to be what changed in the last 6 months.  The last 6 months have been hell and I have been very suicidal much of that time.  The only real change was the addition of a New Bi Polar med.  Perhaps I don't do well on this drug.  At a low dose I was doing really well but since the increase, not so much.  When we decreased the anti depression drug I got very angry and pain overtook my poor body.  That drug was helping me cope with the pain in my body from multiple back injuries.  We won't know if we are doing the right thing until such time as the drugs settle in and decide to do what they are supposed to do. 

 

In the meantime I can only report into you folks and hope that this gets better over time.  I have a trip booked in a month that I really want to go on but if I am feeling even remotely this way the last place I will want to be is away from the comforts of home.  Sometimes feeding Koi and hugging bunny rabbits are all that keeps a girl sane.