When you have Bi Polar and suffer from anxiety from it, it's not easy to go from the country life to the big city. Especially when you are in the city and you make appointments kind of back to back. It why in the middle of these appointments I scheduled some time with a friend and her baby. Babies make things better.
I got up this morning at 6am to head out by 645am. I had an appointment at the Pain Clinic at 845am. This is where I get an epidural in my tailbone which nerve blocks my spine for pain. He then puts random shots across the low back to help with overall area pain. To say it itself is painful is an understatement, the understatement of the century. I could tell today that my meditation strengths are weaning because I wasn't able to meditate the severity of the pain away. But none the less, I took it like a man. Like the man I am....wait. Boys are always passing out in there from the same shot. I took it like a WOman. The woman that I am. There was no swearing or cursing. When he asked how I was all I said was, "well my ass has felt better". Being my tailbone I meant. It didn't seem to surprise him at all.
Now remember I am supposed to be easing off sugars right. Well I ran late this morning and didn't get a chance to grab some snacks for the car. Well hello there drive through why yes I will have a bagel with cream cheese and say "fuck it" in my head and got a donut to go with it. I was batting 1000 before 8am today.
*head hangs in shame*
From the spine shot I decided I was up for more pain so I booked a doctors appointment. I haven't seen my family doctor in 6 months and when you take as many pharmaceuticals as I do and have these mood swings, you really ought to. She's none to pleased with my lack of attendance.
*head hangs in further shame*
I had a good two plus hours to kill so I headed straight for one of my favorite people on the planet who then went and had a baby that happens to BE the favorite person on earth right now. Babies are just the best. It's so painfully clear with them. Give them what they want or they will cry for it. What they want ranges from food, to diaper to sleep. Done, the end. In between it's all gurgles and screeches, raspberries and giggles. I know I know, being a Mom isn't JUST that but for visitors, it is, and it's bliss. Least for me it is. This baby is da' bomb. I'd post her picture here but that's not for me to do. She has the bluest of sky blue eyes with a dark blue rim around them. She has the whitest of eyebrows they are almost translucent and the blondest of blond hair. Her little face is very Gerber baby worthy and I just wanna eat her. (I didn't eat her just so you know, she's alive and well, least when I left she was.) My "in between time" was well spent being spit all over and having my face grabbed with baby spittle covered hands. Perfection.
From there I headed to the family doctor to be reminded that "I have a patient worse off than you and one in better shape, it just depends on the person with this disease. All we can do is keep trying". I cried. I always do. Perhaps it's why I don't want to go huh? I feel guilty I don't go. I feel guilty I need big pharma, I feel helpless. She doesn't talk to my shrink, my shrink doesn't seem to keep her informed so I am stuck in the middle reporting to both of them that I don't feel well and stuck wondering if either of them truly give a fuck.
*tears*
While I was in the doctor's office having a hot flash I asked her if there was anything we could do BEFORE the scheduled hysterectomy to rid me off my awful period and peri menopause symptoms and don't you know it, the pill. The pill could help me. My surgeon had mentioned trying the pill to take a stab at the endometriosis I have but she never said it might help me in general. Again, no one talking to no one. Apparently not only could the pill help reduce the inflammation that is endometriosis (endo) but can also help with the horrid symptoms of peri menopause. Here's hoping. The hysterectomy is the permanent solution to the endo and menopause. Just take it all and let's move on please, that's my opinion.
As I was waiting in the pharmacy in line there was a youngish Mom and her son who was probably just under 2 years of age. He was walking and talking well enough. He climbed into a chair and took off his own shoe and tried to re-tie it so one can only assume. He was very upset. He wanted his Mommy's attention and she was busy with the pharmacist. So he and I held hands and went all around the store pointing at things he wanted but couldn't have. The want part went well, the couldn't have not so much. We had no tears, then almost tears, then no tears, then almost tears. It was a very trying time for us both. When he left he climbed into his mothers arms and then, of all things, held his arms out to me. She said, "he wants a hug, I hope you don't mind as he will cry worse if I leave without allowing such things". So I got a hug, from the cutest curly haired cherub with snot all over his crying face. UGH! *wipes sweater*
Now I had to get back in my car and head two hours back up north to my home and my shrink as that appointment was today too. Did I mention I had a bagel and donut at 9am. It was now 2pm and I hadn't had anything else yet. I am aware, trust me I am. I know if you don't feed a starving tummy it will retain whatever you do put it in. I also know the longer you go without food the more you will want when you do finally eat. Your cravings and volume will be out of control. I know all this but as I ran around trying to find feminine hygiene products I didn't care much about food. That's right, the doctor nor the pharmacist in the doctors office had nary a napkin. I know Too Much Information. I told you I wouldn't lie or hold back so I am not. I have the mensies from hell and napkins are all I can wear most days and most of the times I gamble without, I lose. The "other" (dare I say the word tampon in case there's a man on here) don't cut the mustard for this girl. The nurse in the doctor's office brought me a panty liner at one point, I just laughed in her adorable dumb ass little face.
After driving another two hours I arrived at my shrink a little early and sat in the waiting room for about a half hour. Long enough for two patients, that's right two patients to go through. The first woman left in the middle of her appointment and yelled "I am not a fucking idiot" down the hallway as she left and the next guy was in and out in under ten minutes. You see my shrink is now just a pill dispenser. It's what he does, stabilizes people with drugs. There is no therapy. You want that you go elsewhere frankly. And I do. Thank god. I walked in, updated him on the fact that when I went off the anti depressant I became Cruella deVille and my pain went through the roof. He told me what to do, crossed checked the birth control pill to my other drugs and done. I too was out in 5 minutes with a follow up in two months. Well oiled pharmacy he is. I feel like cattle in there to be honest. I don't feel cared about. Just cattle. But it is what it is, he's there to stabilize my drugs and that's it. I can't wait to go away to the clinic for a month and have people present themselves like they actually care about my well being. I am in need of that right now.
Upon departing there I decided I was hungry enough to go the McDonald's route and top off my morning donut but instead I went Swiss Chalet. But I did fries. It was my way of saying "fuck it" to him ("you need to cut back on processed sugars"), to myself, to my earlier donut and to the world. I now have indigestion but man, did I show them!
I think tomorrow night I might start Weight Watchers. I need something more to focus on, to care about and caring about me doesn't seem to be enough. I promised myself I wouldn't focus on weight but with days like today, with this bad pattern of eating, I might need a better focus. You will know when I know tomorrow after 630pm (when it is) whether I go or not. I will report back. I think I just need some superficial self esteem and weight loss might just be the ticket. I know that sounds awful as I said I wouldn't focus on weight but right now perhaps some focus on weight wouldn't hurt. Certainly couldn't hurt my back to get some weight off it now could it.
It's been a busy day. I actually think at before 7pm I might go lie down and just take it all in. Maybe I will just think about my time with those little humans who's worlds are so small and yet so traumatic at the same time. God help you miss bottle time, god help you.
I guess that goes for adults too, look what happened when I missed my bottle (a proper meal) today, it all went to hell in a hand basket.
P.S. If you honk and then cut me off on a Red Light no right turn light you are gonna get followed, for a looooong time, until you are good and nervous. I'm Bi Polar bitches, I can get away with crazy assed behaviour like that. What's your excuse? You're just a douche bag. Yeah I said douche bag twice.
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