Monday, March 31, 2014

DBPW Day 57 The Train Ride, love it or leave it....I guess.

I am back people.  That’s right, 3 day low and now I feel normal again.  It wasn’t fun or easy to get through that but I appreciate all of you who checked in with me and those I am helping with my own honesty and words.  I am sorry to, for I do tend to rant very OCD like about things way beyond my control and that don’t factor into my life when I am not low and in the now.  Thank you for being by my side on my journey through time with this disease. 

Onto better pastures, greener things…..hmmmm grass, how I miss it.  No no silly, not that kind of grass, green grass, putting greens, a lawn….not snow.  I have the other kind of grass, it just doesn’t go well when I smoke it.

I was sent this the other day and wanted to share.  I had edited it some as I am forever trying to learn and teach as I read. 


Life is like a journey on a train...with its stations...with changes of routes...and with accidents!

At birth we boarded the train and met our parents, and we believe they will always travel on our side. 


We have no reason to believe otherwise. Unless we are adopted, then the chain, the seat next to our parents on the train, it’s taken and that can take its toll on a child even from infancy.


At some station our parents will step down from the train, leaving us on this journey alone. 


The journey is that much harder depending how abruptly the train stops, how early in our childhood our parents step off the train and how far they go away.

As time goes by, other people will board the train.


Some people will be significant i.e. our siblings, best friends, children, and even the love of our life. 

Many will step down and feel as if they leave a permanent vacuum. 


Others will go so unnoticed that we don't realize that they vacated their seats.

This train ride will be full of joy, sorrow, fantasy, expectations, hellos, goodbyes, and farewells.


Success consists of having a good relationship with all passengers.


The only way to have a successful train ride is to give the best of ourselves to all those around us, and unto ourselves.


 The mystery for everyone is not knowing at which station we ourselves will step down. 


So, we must live in the best way - love, forgive, and offer the best of who we are.


It is important to do this because when the time comes for us to step down and leave our seat empty others should look at the seat and smile with beautiful memories as they continue to travel on the train of life.

I wish you a joyful journey for the coming year on the train of life. 


Lastly, I thank you for being one of the passengers on my train!



Sunday, March 30, 2014

DBPW - Day 56 Peachy keen MOFOs, Peachy keen...

And there she is, Aunt Flo.  She arrived just in time to make me question whether I am Bi Polar or not.  I am going to start tracking her for the next months before the hysterectomy and see if all of this has been hormones.  Now I am abundantly aware all Bi Polar people or most, want off their meds at some point or another, they think themselves well.  I do not.  I do not care if I have to take meds or not but I sure as fuck want to know if all this time it’s been hormones.   Maybe I don’t have to get antsy and jumpy every afternoon on the meds though.  NO this is not something I would do without my shrink and medical doctor both living in my house through it.  (*whew* that would be an expensive few months).

Just to note here; it’s very doubtful because I am sure I have had these OCD obsession attacks outside of the realm of PMS time. 

I am much better today mindset wise.  I still don’t give a fuck about much but I don’t also give a fuck about leaving.  I felt pretty determined the other day that if the factors were right I would have considered it seriously.  Today, I just don’t care. 

I have my period so I’ve slept most of the day and my back is beyond sore, it’s officially out.  Don’t know how, per earlier, don’t care.   I care about, my kids.  They are just such little a**holes really but I love them so much.  She is the laziest human on the planet, beyond lazy, like slug lazy.  But she’s witty and beautiful and when I am around I am the one she comes too.  *sigh*  I love that.  “I want Nicolle”.  And he, we are just buddies, he’s my dude. 

Then there’s my husband, who worked outside in freezing cold water all day long, more than 8 hours I would bet, soaking wet and freezing to get water back on.  He didn’t care if we had it, he knew I did.  He is the most successful man I’ve ever known, nothing stops him.  A car breaks, he fixes it.  The water breaks, he fixes it.  I break, he tries so hard to fix me.  *tears*
Because we have a lakefront property we pull water from the lake.  We have a pipe out maybe 15-20 feet from the shore line.  The pipe comes up out of the ground at the edge of the property and makes its way out to the water.  The Trent lowered the lake by about 4 feet.  They do this so when the snow and ice (and there's a lot) melts, the area and lake doesn't flood.  They control the water levels in all the lakes attached to the water highway called The Trent Severn Waterway.  So in addition to the 4 feet they dropped the lake we have at least 3 feet of ice out there.  They dropped the ice, the heavy heavy ice, right onto our water pipe thus stopping us from drawing in any water.  My husband had to spend all day cutting 3 feet by 3 feet cubes of ice and pull them from the lake to feed a new pipe.
I couldn't help after watching him work until exhaustion that I had some internal work to do.  He doesn't deserve a wife who can't let go and who obsesses about the negative.  I guess the good side is when I am obsessing I shut right down and things like no water mean nothing, I don't get upset.  It's not important as I am hurting so badly inside.  With that said I decided to make today about forgiveness because I have some forgiving to do.  I don't know how to do it but I know I need to.   There are two people out there living their lives having really disturbed mine whether meaning to or not.  I need to work every day to a place of forgiveness.  I have worked on why they did what they did.  I have worked on how and why I reacted in a way that was dictated by my past and not their actions directly.  But forgiveness will end the obsessiveness and perhaps I will forgive myself.   And I will.
It's true, your words become your destiny.  When I first reacted to the things that happened to us between the friends I mentioned, the words that came out with were laden with hate.  I was hurt I wanted them to hurt.  And hurt they did.  They ended the friendships in the end even after I said I was sorry, I apologized for my over-reaction.  It was too late.  They could not only see how they behaved poorly in the first place but couldn't get past my deliberate return fire.  It hurt when they wouldn't acknowledge their behaviour and then they wouldn't forgive me for mine when I was willing to do that for them.  It hurts when what you are willing to give is not being given back.
Let it go.  It is what it is, until it isn't, then it's something else.

Your beliefs can change.  Your assumptions must.  Nothing means anything until you decide it does.  Looking back is re-interpreting something that's already happened.  And that's okay if you ensure that you are working on re-interpretation.  As I said yesterday, ensuring you know you are looking at an orange, calling it an orange, and not trying to make it an apple.  Apples to oranges that won't work.  The projection you make out for the future is your past if you aren't ever in the now.  What you are in the now helps to project where you will end up.  I am in the now, I am nuts.  Future holds, sensai says, "nuts".
This man, this ever peaceful man will be teaching at my writing course in May.  I cannot hardly wait.  OMG, two days ago I didn't want to go!  I am coming back to the human race again, thank god. 
When they didn't taste, I didn't taste.  We both failed.

Someone thinks I am doing the "write" thing (yes the spelling is my way of being witty).

Both of the people I struggle with took advantage of me as a giver, they took advantage knowing I was sick, and they never gave me room to accept my flaws (my disease and temper) and accept me for who I was.  I had them until they both lied and cheated me.  I don't draw the line at being used, I draw it at the lying.  Cheating me out of money when I am a giver is too much to take.  All my other friends won't let me get away with being overly generous, they ensure I am not, they call me on it, they stick to it.  They are my true peeps.  
Oh I need to say this one over and over.  I might make this a t-shirt.  I need to stop helping people with their issues but most of all I need to accept these two cancelled their subscription to mine and I to theirs and it's better this way.  It is.  Their issues are fraught with fraudulent behaviour. It's what happens when you cannot be authentic but claim only to be.
I am greater than any obstacle, I am greater than Bi Polar.  I AM.  I almost believe it today, almost.

This is a toughy.  To think that people you once said "I love them so" are living their lives likely without ever sweating about the loss of you as a human being is hard.  And because I can have these lows I go to a place of "they don't care, anyone can leave you, why stay".  I de-value those around me to an equal valuation to the people I don't choose to have in my life.  It's not right.  I don't have my valuations right.  I need to re-calculate/calibrate. 
And you know who you are, all of you.  The good, the bad, and the ugly.

I should focus on that.  She, made me laugh a lot.  Even though she was a lot of work.  He, too, brought me a lot of joy.  He was a lot of work too and frankly they were untruthful in the end.....oh....there's something I should focus on, laughter but lies = let it go.
You have to stop and think before you act especially REACT and decide if what's about to happen is something you will end up having to say you are sorry for.  Remember, it's like having an affair, might mean nothing to you but your partner is going to make it all about them.  And they may never be able to forgive you for that, not the affair but the action that caused them to second guess their own worth.  We are human, it's what happens.
I love a lot.
I didn't live gently until these last few years.
Awww damn it, I am always short on the grace shit.  Damn it.
How'd that get in there?
I will cut you out, I will.  Then I will obsess about why I didn't kick yer ass while you were in my life.  No no, kidding.  I will obsess as to why we had to lose each other. It will always make me sad.
Both of the people I lost, they had an opportunity to be real, true, and authentic with me and themselves.  To sit down and study why they behaved the way they did.  I've done my part.  I know where I went wrong, I have said my sorry's and I would be willing to work for the harm I did in lashing out.  Neither one of them is.  That not only speaks to their own depth but the value they place on me.....fuck I am really sorting some serious shit out this weekend. 
Hmmmmmmm.  To hurt is to learn, to teach is to heal.  I am teaching myself as I write to you how foolish this OCD behaviour is. 
How was your weekend?  Mine was peachy keen.

Saturday, March 29, 2014

DBPW - Day 55 least we have water now....*sigh*

I am not writing this for attention.
I am not writing this for a response.
I am not writing this to be loved.
I am writing this to help YOU understand what it’s like to be bi polar.
Many of you couldn’t help yourselves with the above, you had to reach out.  And I shouldn’t be surprised about who did, and who did NOT.  And I find myself heartbroken as usual.  It’s like I set myself up for this shit.  I lie to myself that I don't have expectations.

I’ve seen friends respond to a Sesame Street posting and a profile picture but I post I sometimes think about taking my life and nothing.  Wonder how they'd react if I was actually gone?  I guess when you think about it, they are the ones who don't matter then aren't they?  We hurt the ones we love, the ones who don't love us, hurt us.  When might I stop letting the people who disappoint me, disappoint me?  It’s like looking at an orange and trying to convince yourself it’s an apple.  The only idiot in that equation is ME!  And honestly, as angry as I get, an apple is not to be blamed for being an apple.  It’s an apple.  I cannot expect it to be an orange can I?   That's some deep shit right there in that paragraph folks, read it again.  I am going to.

It did warm my heart to hear from so many that I am loved.  Maybe I did need it after all (see the lying to myself above).  But I couldn’t talk, I couldn’t do more than "thank yous".  For that I am sorry because when I tried to reply more, I would just start to cry and the kids are here.  I refuse to let them see this disease.  I think they lost their aunt to this exact disease.  I am convinced of it actually.  I don’t want them knowing how much I suffer or am suffering so I shut down/off.  When you message me your love it cracks the armour and I can’t have that. 

I know I am not expected to pretend.  I know I am loved otherwise/anyways.  And I love my friends who keep asking, "wanna come".


Quiet is not my thing really.  I am express myself here pretty well but I am quiet about needing help or wanting help.  I don't go contacting my friends and say "oh I feel down".  It's not my style.  It's funny though, when I am down, I have more to say on here, in this forum/format than when I am up. I need to say more.  

I am actually feeling a smidgen better today.  Most likely because the kids are here so I push it all down.  I went to bed at 8pm last night with my nightstand light on, placed a book on my chest so it looked like I fell asleep while reading.  That’s all so the kids think I fell asleep reading.  I was actually up until 1am just thinking with my eyes closed and tears squeezing their way out of my eyes.  I don’t get that.  My eyes are shut tears!  Damn you! How do you get by my eyelids?  I guess my lids aren’t air tight.   At 1am I found myself having to take every drug under the sun to get to sleep.  There was no way it was coming otherwise.   When the mind cannot find peace the body can’t either.  Pain increases when the mind cannot cope.  The more stressed you get about your mental pain, the worse the physical pain gets.  It’s much like not being able to sleep.   The more you stress about not sleeping, the harder it is to sleep.  Ever notice that?  It's a vicious circle. 
Why am I not sleeping?
Oh stop worrying, you will sleep. 
What if I don't sleep? 
What if I never sleep? 
Can I sleep in tomorrow if I can't sleep tonight? 
Oh no, I have an appointment in the am. 
Should I cancel it, obviously I am not going to sleep. 
I should just accept I am not sleeping. 
I would really like to sleep.  
I am sad I cannot sleep. 
Man my back really hurts in the middle of the night? 
Wonder why that is?
I will try another position?
Oh god, that's worse.
What about this one?
And so on, and so forth....around and around we go.
I have actually meditated, forgotten my pain, come out of meditation and almost thrown up the pain comes back in such waves.  It was a very weird and amazing experience to discover how much the mind controls the body.
You had me all the way up until "I'm happy".  I can do all the rest. 

Back to regular Joe stuff (poor Joe, just regular).  Did I mention we haven’t had water since yesterday at 10am???  And my husband still brings up the kids, one even brought a friend.  “If it’s yellow, let it mellow, if it’s brown…..I can’t do anything about it” accept want to punch my husband.  I actually went into town this morning and bought huge jugs of water to fill the toilet tanks full (the backs) to flush the kids toilet.   I discovered quickly that kids; a) don’t tell you how nasty things are getting (least step kids and company don’t out of embarrassment I think), and b) the are dirty little buggers kids are.   At the very least I got their toilet handled, for now.  This is exactly what I wanted to be doing on a down day(s).  Rigging toilets to flush shit.  Hmmmm, story of my life right now me thinks.  Feel like shit.  Oh good, got some shit.   There's some significant irony there.  "Hey I feel like shit, look see, shit". 
As of 1:20pm as I write this Saturday, still no water.  I am not happy but using every ounce of strength I have to fight getting mad.  There is no point to that, that's my choice right now.  Hubby is under enough stress trying to fix this, how is my venting my rage over being so sad going to help???  Right now he is pretty ready to sell this house entirely because of this.  Frankly as things start to go around here so am I.  I want something easier, newer….maybe just a change to get my mind out of my ass.  Unfortunately stress (moving) usually causes mania (highs) and when I crash it will be worse than it is today. 

P.S. We finally got water today at 5pm!!! 

Monday is going to be a real gem when the kids leave and Dan goes back to the city all week on and off.  Then there will be a crash.  And it will be laden with food because the only thing that makes a girl happy when she is that sad, is food.  In the instant the mouth tastes something divine and sends that divinity to the brain you just feel, bliss.  By the time it hits your stomach, you go right back to where you were pre-intake, sad.  I can say those words, know it, and still put blinders on about it.    Binge eating like this is no different than alcoholism.  You know better, but you only feed good as you are consuming it.  FYI (education time) – Binging without purging, just plain "binge eating" (what I do) is recognized now as an actual eating disorder, also a mental disorder (are you keep track, I have a list going).  Considering I have gone through two bouts of anorexia (starvation) it’s of little surprise I go one way or the other, with no middle ground.   I am either starving or over eating.  I can go one day with almost nothing, the next with 3 x too much.

I can say this about myself.  I am so self-aware it’s unbelievable.  There’s a part of me that wished I just felt and didn’t think,.  That I wasn’t smart enough to know any better.  That I was just blindly going through this.  Maybe it’s easier that way?  You think?  Do you think it would be easier to be sad and not know why?   I don’t know.  I guess at the very least I can say, "bright side, the way I am built I know this too shall pass".   I can say that with total  self-awareness.

I need to tell everyone in case I get snippy.  I apologize in advance but if I see one more post about choosing to be happy I will rip someone’s face off.  It takes everything in me not to lose my shit.  I use all my energy and strength to pretend I am okay, I pretend smile for my family.  Once I no longer have to pretend it’s like watching a tsunami coming at you.  You know it’s coming, you know why it’s coming, you know what you need to do but you know, there is NOTHING you can do to change your circumstance.  You can get to higher ground and pray for the best.  And sometimes, you can’t outrun the wave.   I cannot choose happiness right now.  And it's insulting to be told "choose happy".  I can choose to pretend with everything I have but eventually I will have to let go and when that happens…..I drown. 
I wish I could just say, "I choose happy" and happy I would be.  If I had one wish, and I have said this my entire life in my head since I was a wee girl, my wish would be "to be happy".  It's sad but true.  It's my life's dream.
Now that said, I do have choices, we all do.  In a moment of pain I can choose to go looking for things that will make it worse, or I can choose not too.  Do not lift that Nicolle.  I can avoid the bowl of ice cream.  Have a bowl of fruit Nicolle.  I do have some willpower, some control.  We always have even a subconscious awareness of what we are doing.  I can choose to take off the blinders.  We all have choices.  When someone tells me something like "you are mean", I can choose to take that personally or I can choose to wonder why they thought me mean, was I?  Like I said yesterday, I chose to react to some seriously ugly shit by hurting myself.  I am not planning on doing that ever again.  Especially giving those same people the power over me that makes me choose to hurt myself.  I don't have to do that. 

Besides the Bi Polar everything else in my life is a direct reaction to my actions.  EVERYTHING. 

I hope you have a good night people and I hope more so that tomorrow gets better, then the next day, and the next, and the's all I can really do and I hope for you as well. 
All we can do is make good choices and hope for the best. 


Friday, March 28, 2014

DBPW – Day 54 Who does depression hurt? Me jack*ss, me....

I am not writing this for attention.

I am not writing this for a response.

I am not writing this to be loved.

I am writing this to help YOU understand what it’s like to be Bi Polar.

I have been feeling down.  Nothing unmanageable, but down.  I knew what was coming.  I socialized on the weekend, which was amazing and I kept myself from getting manic (high).  I then went immediately into starvation medical test mode and went to the city all day Tuesday by myself (by choice alone) to see to the medical tests. 

I knew what was coming.

Wednesday, I went to the gym.

Thursday, I went to the gym.

I knew what was coming.

I cooked meals for my husband, I showered, I got antsy and fidgety in the afternoon with not enough to do.

I knew what was coming.

Last night from 930pm to 1230am I sat and made a list of the people I would write letters to if I were to die.  I made a list of people who would be allowed to be at my funeral.  Through my tears I wrote letters in my head to the people who have hurt me, people I have given of myself to when I had too little to give.  Last night I knew what was coming because it arrived.  My wanting to die. 

Please do not call 911.  Please do not call me.  I am going nowhere.  I want to, but I won’t.  I have too many people who won’t do well with this and I don’t have the courage to hurt them like I’ve been hurt when people left me.  This is all part of the ups and downs of being Bi Polar.  I don’t always want to be here.

I knew THIS was coming.

Explain to me, when you know THIS is coming?  When you are well, normal, or high and happy, how do you stay?  What keeps you here when you know this is coming?  My dog does.  He keeps me here.  He wouldn’t do well without me.  My husband does (note the order, that was intentional), I know he would lose self-worth only gained through me and our marriage.  Self-worth that I am not sure he can afford to lose.  My brother would never live life to the fullest that I need him too.  I need him to take life by the kahunas and live.  *oh here come the tears*.  My best friend Brenda, how would she feel if I wasn’t here?  She would place so much blame on herself for not being around enough, so she would think.  This is the girl that sends me random love notes to know she is with me, by my side, 24/7.  That she loves me.  My best friend Kathy (there’s a few of those BFFs out there), she wouldn’t be able stop herself from blame for being far away.   And yet again, I know she is right here beside me, she tells me so all the time.  And so on and so forth…..

I fight through it and I stay and I await the time where I won’t say that everything in life seems like a chore.   

Why bother with the gym, I don’t want to be here.

Why bother losing weight and help with my physical pain, I don’t want to be here.

Why bother with the hysterectomy for health reasons, I don’t want to be here.

Why bother writing to you fine people, I don’t want to be here.

Why not get more tattoos, I don’t want to be here so who cares. ("what's it gonna look like when you get older....." I won't be older so who cares)

Why not lash out at those that hurt me, I don’t want to be here.  Why not hurt them as they've hurt me?  (I won't be here to care).  

And so on and so forth.

This is this fucking disease and I hate it.  I hate it with every fibre of my being, I hate it so.  I want to want to live.  I want to set goals that don’t seem like a waste cause I don’t think I will be here.  University?  Why apply when I won’t go through another one of these moods again?  Why be nice to the lady in the grocery store when I won’t be here to see her again?  Why? 
Then the OCD comes.....

There’s been a rally of people around someone who hurt me dearly in the last couple of years.  She plays the victim perfectly.  She plays weak and then stands up and yells “don’t treat me like a child”.  Children are our weakest links, links we need to help fortify.  You behave like a child, always have, why wouldn't we treat you like one?  A ton of my longest friends, all but one from my wedding party, rallied around the child.  Took her side, called me a bully because I reacted poorly to her behaviour.  Do you know how hard that was on me when I was sitting here feeling THIS, going through these lows at the same time?  Do you know how many times I cut myself with a knife at 40 years plus because a large group of my friends pointed the finger at me?  “We have had to pull her off the ceiling” they'd said, and I would cut my leg.  “You were being a bully” they'd said, and I would take 3 unnecessary pills that day.  These are the people from my lists I made last night.  You aren’t coming to my funeral I thought.  When’s the last time you fucking checked on me and I am actually sick?  Not just acting like a child.  These are the people I want to say, “you failed me entirely, and in a way I would NEVER have failed you”.  *Oh bawling now*.

And I knew THIS was coming.

I knew when I started to OCD about a situation that’s years dead, began slapping me in the face again. 

I knew THIS was coming and I sit here typing to you with tears pouring down my face, sobs breaking out and thoughts that are too dark to speak of.

I would prefer it if no one called my husband thanks as he doesn’t need to worry about this, I am going nowhere, I just want to.  He doesn’t need to freak out.  I am going nowhere, I just want to.  My kids are coming this weekend I will buck up and hide the fact I don’t want to be here from them, because I am going nowhere, I just want to.

I knew this was coming and I really want to go now.
I will pray for a better day tomorrow.
God the strength it takes on days like today to just get up and bother.  One day when this is all more manageable, when the meds are right, the heads on straight, when the book is on the shelves I hope to say, "boy did I stumble across my strength".


Thursday, March 27, 2014

DBPW - Day 53 The Have and Have Nots....

Is there a day in your life where you have thought, “I WANT that”, “I WANT what they have”, “WHY don’t I have that?” 

You know you have. 

You know you’ve looked at someone else’s body and said, “I want that”.

You know you’ve seen someone else’s house and said, “I want what they have”.

You know you’ve seen someone on vacation and thought, “Why don’t I have that when you see them folks in the villas etc?”

I do this allllll the time.  (with the tears and snots too)

I used to be addicted to rag mags, the paparazzi kind, the movie star ones.  In the past year I have fallen behind reading them.  I no longer wake and have coffee while reading a personal favorite Pink is the New Blog.  I just don’t care.  I realize the only reason I read the damn things was because it was what I wanted.  I wanted to be famous, thin, rich.  I wasn’t willing to get off the couch to do any of them, but I wanted them.  Wanting is not enough.  And wanting unreasonable things…..there must be some reality to your dreams.  That reality is the fact you are willing to put out (*snicker* I said put out), you must be willing to work for your dreams.

I have wanted to write a book and become famous and rich through it for years.  I have 5 at least started.  Pages and pages of writing, decent writing.  They have sat for years on my laptop.  In fact it’s been so long, there’s a good chance I will have to re-build an old laptop to get some of the stories re-started. 

I can accomplish my dreams if I am willing to work for them.  I want to write a book, I am blogging daily to create a book.  From there I will go forward with the rest of them.  I am taking a writing course in May.  I will sell that book.  And I will make money.  Making any money will make me richer.  There are all my dreams, set out in front of me with “will happen” in front of me.  I am taking the steps needed to fulfill my dreams. 

I don’t dream of being thin anymore.  I dream of being in less pain.  Mentally and physically.  Mentally I want to try on one outfit like I used to and move on.  Physically I want to carry less weight for my back.  I go to the gym 3-6 days a week now.  I plan on adding more activities as I get more in shape.  As for weight, I think I am going to try Weight Watchers again and it’s not to get THIN, that is not, nor can it be my goal.  I cannot focus on the unhealthy desires in the back of my mind, “being thin is beauty”, but the forefront, “being healthy is beautiful”.  I think I will get to 175 pounds of muscle.  I will be overweight but built like a brick shit house!  That’s a reasonable “can do”, “will do”.  And when I am there I am getting the most kickass tattoo up my hip to my ribs that will scream out of the two piece some may think I shouldn’t wear but I damn well will anyways!!!  At 175 I am a size 14, and that’s MORE THAN REASONABLE in a two piece Holla!!!!
I have a friend with a wonderful home, husband, cottage, ski chalet, two boys, two dogs, and a full active life.  She's beautiful, unique, funny and charming and makes good money.  She often brags about her children online and was told by someone that she shouldn't, that it's too much and she should be proud to just have children not their accomplishments.  It's this mindset that is the have nots, want lots.  You will do nothing but criticize others over what they have instead of getting off yer ass and admiring what you have and going for what you want.  Just do it as they say.  Start somewhere small and get on it.  These few sentences are my future.  What's yours?

Got any dreams you are going to make happen versus “wants” you will sit on the couch and think about?


But I want THAT one!
 Why can't I have THAT one!
Damn you!