I cannot begin to tell you what it's like to suddenly wake up in the morning and have no feeling or sense of purpose for being alive. That you hurt so badly you would rather be dead, that would be the easier option than living. That's how I felt for three solid days. I could find no reason to be alive. I was screaming out to my husband in agony, the pain inside me was like fire. And I couldn't put it out. I was burning alive from the inside out.
But I fought and I fought hard.
We, of course, had to sedate me again because the emotion that comes with this terrible disease, wanting to be dead but not having the courage to end the pain, is in itself, painful. It's beyond painful. You want to end your life but I think you know deep down somewhere inside you, somewhere you can't even reach, that dying will only solve your problem and will leave in your wake, unspeakable pain for others so you fight. But yet you still can't explain this, you can't explain why why you are even bothering to fight. There is no reason that you can grasp.
This video speaks volumes to how a Bi Polar low feels, it's full onset depression.
UpWorthy
You know when your husband holds you in his arms and cries alongside you, you are in a scary dark place and even he isn't sure you are going to make it out. That's how bad this one was. He basically checked on me and followed me from room to room for three days. We talked again of the Emergency Room for a Psychiatric hold but we had to weigh the good and bad options. Bad, that I would be in a hospital bed, room, floor with strangers, nothing familiar, no one around me that loves me. Good, I would likely be heavily sedated through the worst of it. Fight to stay home in familiar surroundings, give in and be lost to the system for a bit? I was close to going, closer than before. The last time this happened, they, my caregivers and those that love me were going to commit me, this time I was going to commit myself. It's bad when....
When I woke this morning and thought to myself, "I think I might go to the gym" I then thought, "this might be it. When I told my husband I was going to the gym his face lit up like it was Christmas morning. I was going to be okay in his mind. I couldn't find reason to eat for three days, now I was going to the gym. I had to have found a purpose for being alive if I cared enough about myself to go to the gym. Don't get me wrong, after these past three days, he's still quite leery. Worried I might fall into it again. It seems to come in the afternoons once the previous days sleepiness and sedation wears off, once I am fully awake. So far today, so good. We've done slight sedation after the gym and a grocery run just to make sure there's no drop.
Today I just feel numb. Like I have run a marathon and cannot see straight. I am exhausted and drained and just hope that my medications are on the right track. I obviously adversely reacted to this new drug they have me on because I have had a bad six months. This is about my third low, the worst one yet, the longest one yet. I am probably technically still in the depression stages but at least I see a reason to eat, to shower, to go to the gym. You might find that stuff easy, but you have a reason for living. Don't tell me all the reasons I have, I know what they are. I do. I am not trying to be rude. I am telling you, when you are that low you are totally blind to them. My husband, my kids, my best friends, my dog, my parents, in those days, they didn't matter. They weren't reason enough for me to have value. What they did, was keep me alive. I knew that final step could not be taken because of them.
I know understand suicide entirely and I sympathize with those pained souls. I used to get mad and say, "how selfish" angrily. I take back every time I ever said that. I get it now. I wish I could have helped every person I ever knew that felt that low. Because I understand you now.
I just wanted to let you know that I am okay today. I can see the forest through the trees, the sun through the clouds. I am working my way back to you.
I need to thank Maya Angelou. The passing around of all her words helped me through the last 3 days. I cannot begin to tell you what it meant to me to read some of her stuff while I was lost. It was like she was pulling me from the bottom.
Thank you Maya Angelou, thank you.
Here are some of
her best quotes to which I have sought solace in these past three days. If she could come up with these in her lifetime perhaps some of my words can one day have such an impact.
1. “If you don’t
like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude.”
2. “If you have
only one smile in you, give it to the people you love.”
3. “Bitterness is
like cancer. It eats upon the host. But anger is like fire. It burns it all
clean.”
4. “When someone
shows you who they are, believe them the first time.”
5. “One isn’t
necessarily born with courage, but one is born with potential. Without courage,
we cannot practice any other virtue with consistency. We can’t be kind, true,
merciful, generous, or honest.”
6. “Love
recognizes no barriers. It jumps hurdles, leaps fences, penetrates walls to
arrive at its destination full of hope.”
7. “We may
encounter many defeats but we must not be defeated.”
8. “My great hope
is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and
have the courage to accept the love in return.”
9. “There is no
greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.”
10. “I’ve learned
that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but
people will never forget how you made them feel.”
11. “You may not
control all of the events that happen to you but you can decide not to be
reduced by them.”
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