Riley

This is all from Riley’s perspective.  My dog.  It’s a “Day in the life of…” or “The Life of…” sorta thing.  Please say everything in a floppy dog slightly French hoity yet dopey accent.  He is a Briard after all, French Sheep Herder.

Yes, I am as big, regal and beautiful as you think I am.  It's tough being me.

Oh, hey, didn't see you there, escusee moi, got a little itch.  What do you mean you can't reach "down there"?  What do you do then?  I get an itch, I scratch it, little nibble here, there and anywhere.  I am a dog, king dog to you, but a dog none the less.  I am sorry you aren't able to do that.  Wow, I don't think I'd make it as a human.  I mean, no itching?  I lick, cause well, I can. 

I have a few humans.  They are okay.  I have them pretty well trained so far.  I think they were put on this earth to do stuff for me, because it's like ALWAYS happening.  All the time. 

Let me tell you a little about myself…SQUIRREL!!!!!!!

…..Hi again, where was I?  That one was fast.  Did you see me chasing it, did ya, did ya, did ya?  You didn't notice when the snow got too deep and I fell on my face did you?  Wipe some of that snow off would you please?  No.  Fine.  I gave you ample chance.  There was a warning in there, I made it clear.  *shake here* *shake there*.  Ahhhh, that's better.   That snow didn't have to lay all over the floor, I asked for your help.  I expected you to read my mind.

I am right here, wipe it off or else....

Which chair, which chair shall I chose…perhaps the couch, no, a chair, leather or cloth?  Hmmm I am wet so really the cloth chair would be the better choice.  Ahhh yes, the cloth one is good, it’s soaking up all my wet fur.  Man I love the smell of wet fur in the morning.  I could lick my wet paws all day long.  Why, oh why, are you yelling “paw” at me Momma?  Yes, I am licking my paws.  You are indeed correct.  You humans are so smart. 

I see nothing wrong with this and have no idea why you find this so funny. 

SQUIRREL!!!!!….damn, almost caught that one.  If it weren’t for that same damn spot I fell in my face last night I’da had him.  I could see him a minute ago as clear as day in that thing of yours.

He was right here, in here....damn it....

…where was I, oh right….what’s that stomach?  You’re hungry you say.  Okay let’s see what we can get this human to do for us.  Hi, You, I am right here.  Yes I am aware I am blocking your view.  I know I am staring, don’t stare back at me, you know how I hate that.  Damn it, I have to look away, I cannot stand it when you stare.  Fine!  Here I come.  How you like dem apples, all 110 pounds in your lap!  Got the message yet?  I am hungry.  Maybe if I lick your face endlessly you will get the gist of this message.  Why are you asking me if I am hungry?  Yes I am!  Clearly that message has been sent and received.  What’s with the need for confirmation?  See my tail waggin’?  You got it right sista’, I be hungers.

Feed me....

Feeeeeeeed me....

Yeah, that’s the stuff Mom, fill that bowl.  Oooops there’s the drool again, thank god for this beard of mine.  Fill that bowl.  Yummy yummy, can’t wait.  Oh yeah, put it down, put it down, put it down.  Oh yummy yummy yummy.

Hey, don’t touch that!  I WILL lick the bowl until my tongue hurts, what’s it to you? Decisions, decisions.  I am finished.  I usually get a cookie when I am done but am I thirsty first?  Hmmm, we are all here paying attention, maybe I should drink, get the beard wiped off then have my cookie.  No no, that’s just silly.  Wipe the food outta ma’ beard Mom…cooookie coooookie cookie…..nom nom nom.  Oh…are you going about other business now?  Good, I will drink then.  I know how you love a dog beard full of water, like a river all over the kitchen.  You know you like it.  Don’t lie.  I am here.  Over here.  Come on lady I am dripping wet.  Well then fine.  Hi Momma, that’s right the beard I am currently rubbing against your leg is wet.  I tried to warn you.  You can’t blame me.  It’s your own fault. 

I guess I should go outside now.  I am quite full.  I love this door I have.  I mean I liked it much more when the humans had to get up and open the door for me but it’s quite handy to go outside on my own whenever I want.  But to be honest, “things” are piling up out here.  What is it, 5 acres for me to go on?  That doesn’t leave me many options so I am gonna go right outside the door, down the steps a few feet and leave it right there for you to get it okay Mom?  Why are you not getting this?  There’s this white stuff everywhere, I love it, but ma’ bidness is being hidden a bit here, if you don’t hurry you might miss it again.  I know how you love the spring clean up and that too, again, not my….

SQUIRREL…..

…not my fault. As I was saying.

*whew*  Outta breath.  Changed tactics this time.  Wiped out much earlier.  Perhaps I am getting too old…. Just missed it, by “that” much.

TOY!!!!! 

Wow I haven’t seen this toy since……….earlier today.  YAY TOY!  Whoo whoo.  OMG Mom’s gonna love this.  I have to bring it in right now.  Covered in the white stuff.  Me and the toy.  Mom’s gonna love it.  Now, to get it through my door.  Okay I can do this.  Straight through, nope.  Okay turn the head a little this way, nope.  Okay this way, nope.  Damn this toy.  Stupid toy.  I can’t believe my intelligence is being dictated by a fuzzy toy.

BALL!!!!!  Whooooooo whooooo!  And it’s a whole one I haven’t eaten yet. 

I don’t know what that thing is you are forever clickety clacking on but here’s my ball!  Exciting isn’t it?  What’s that face for?  That clickety clack thing doesn’t like drool and the white stuff?  Or balls?  It doesn’t like balls?  But balls are great.  Oh that’s right Momma throw that thing.  Down the hall I go, where did it go, where did it go, where did it…..oh no.  It’s in that room I don’t go in often, behind that thing I believe other dogs drink from, how uncivilized….Mom, MOM! *bark* *BARK*  That’s a girl Mom, this is your duty to save me from things like this.  I don’t want to go in there.  Thanks Mom, yer the…..

OMG it's a ball, I HAVE A BALL, it's a ball....

SQUIRREL!

Damn did you see that epic failure?  That carpet at my door slipped and I took a header into the door.  That sucked.  The squirrel got away and now my head hurts.  There’s a good Momma, rub that spot, you should really give me a cookie, you almost lost me there.  Thanks Mom, yer the best, really.  Nom nom nom.

Damn it, it’s been a long day.  I should rest now.  What time is it?  Jeez Louise, it’s 930am, I have been up for an hour already at least.  Yeah it’s nap time. 

Simply Exhausted!!!!

Dads

Being a 70s child I can remember my Dad and all the others wearing what can only be termed as, "too snug" shorts, "too short" shorts, but not Speedos thank god.  All of the Dads outside at either their boats, cars or BBQs.  We all grew up at a beach in the summer so this is what I remember.  And of a dear friend, one born in January to my June, her father was my summer Dad too.  I remember the best BBQs, the BEST sauce in all the land, always homemade, and that's the BBQ sauce and the pasta sauce.  He was at the grill all day roasting slowly but always with great gusto.  Did he have personality?  In spades, he sure did.  Do I know the entire family history?  I do not.  Have I asked, on occasion but I am not disclosing anything here, not about my Dad or my friends.

Parents are not perfect and kids get to run around with their arms wrapped around their scars pointing fingers saying things like, "I can't love because of you".  "I can't trust because of you".  Well you can, you just feel like holding on to those things.  You are scared and you want to blame someone.  You are unhappy so blame the Mom who left you for adoption, because it defined your world.  Does it have to?  No, it doesn't.  Science says babies who don't get their Mom's love immediately know it. Then they get a new Mom who swoons and loves, so doesn't the baby forget and typically live a happy childhood?  Yes they do.  It's only until we grow up and face life, life's choices, life's decisions, and sadness or happiness that we turn and say, "You did this and that's why I am me".  *finger pointing* No, you are you, because you chose to be you.  You can chose to be another version of you if you just let go of your past.

To say my friend and I, had ideal fathers, nope.  I had one full of all the answers to questions I didn't ask but in a pinch he was the emergency king, typically saying all the wrong things to me, but scaring anyone fucking with me.  And my friends Dad?  What a personality.  I haven't seen him in years but when I did I just wanted a beer and to watch a game with him, he was "that" kind of guy.  And the sauce was always on, and he always let me sneak a taste.  I have Italian friends but this guy, wow.  King of the sauce.  My friend and I should have long ago jarred that shit and made millions.  I remember exactly where and when I saw him last and I can taste and smell the sauce.  Isn't it funny how we can associate tastes and smells to time.

My friends Dad died last week.

I was taken aback.  It had been so long since I'd seen him, since he had moved far away.  I wasn't sad per say, tears didn't come until today, a week later.  I immediately thought of my friend.  That was her Daddy.  I reached out with all the words and knowledge I think I have within me to say the right things.  I am ready to take on any chore or job needed for the funeral.  I head out to her Thursday, she arrives Wednesday.   She's got one day to settle in and then I won't leave her side.  I don't want to be far from her side.  She will need things, and I do things, well.  Also, I think I know what she is feeling.  I think.

I had a huge fight with my husband last week.  It was regarding a parenting decision he'd made that I thought failed his kid.  I barked out in the middle of the argument, "you failed as a Dad on this one".  I regretted saying it, but I felt it, so out it came.  Much like the turrets I seem to have when I am emotional.  My husband luckily is not only a forgiving man but also knows when to admit he's wrong.  He knew he was in fact wrong and thankfully he forgave my harsh words.  As a team we made a game plan to take the issue on.  Team work.

Today my husband walked into the room and I asked, "Why am I so angry?"  He tiptoed a little closer and said, "don't be mad but you are upset because of your friend's Dad dying before he had the chance to be a better father and you are mad because you think your Dad will do the same and you are worried I will too to my kids.  It's all too much Dad failing right now and it's hurting you.  You know I won't fail as a Dad.  We both know that.  But it scares you and it makes you feel less attracted to me.  You want the big strong perfect father as your husband and I am him, I am just not entirely perfect.  I will make mistakes.  And finally, you are your friend, you know it.  You know when you get to her side you will look at each other, see into each others eyes the sadness and disappointment and you both are going to fall apart.  It scares you, you are going to feel very vulnerable.  But it is what you like to say, "It is what it is, until it isn't.  And you my beautiful loving strong wife will be okay". 

I cried.  I cried for every girl who didn't get the full Dad experience.  I cried for my friend trying to figure out why she is or isn't crying, depending on the moment.  I cried for the fight with my husband.  And this Saturday, I will cry for the man who had such an impact on my memory growing up.  My American Dad I liked to call him.

Tears are an okay thing, they won't hurt you.  They're especially great when you figure out where they are coming from and why. 

Let 'er rip.

Golden Globes....literally! (after party...)

Bono posin'.  Look at The Edge's face.  Hysterical.

Jay Mohr, who has a pot belly, picked on her body.  I cannot pick on this body, how can you?  But gurl, a vampire you are not.  New makeup artist for hire.

I do not need to say more than the next picture. 

I didn't know she died and came back???  I wish her red hair and a tan would come back.

I shit you not she is a famous stylist for famous people.  Honestly.

Using the song Royale, please sing, "I need to pluck my EYEbrows, EYEbrows"

It's not Pee Wee Herman, who is it?

He's a pig and this is his wife, Mrs. Pig.  *shiver*  She sleeps with that. 

Do a little dance.
Shake a little love.
Show ma' boobs tonight, whoo.
Ma' boobs tonight, whoo.

"Alright, alright, alright..." *shiver* He grossed me out in Magic Mike.  All wrong, all wrong, all wrong.

We get it, you have huge knockers, you have GOLDEN GLOBES.

Who got her whore on last night?  I knew it!

Oh sweet thing, congratulations.  Too bad for the rest of time you will be known as the one who drank wwwwwwwwwwwwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyy too much to speak properly.

6 degrees of still married. Cutest couple who don't live in Hollywood.

"Ryan I am over here, see me, eat this bitch".  Ryan Seacrest's ex-girlfriend workin' it.

This is Molly Sims.  This is also Molly Sims doing her best Tranny.

Sandra should have worn this dress if she wanted colour. I love this.

When I was a kid a man with a huge nose walked into a restaurant.  My father tried and tried to keep my attention and then I saw the man and yelled "noooooose".  To that I say, "EARS".

And the award for most awkward goes to....

Grand Dame.

Shoot your stylist.

Goodnight.

Golden Globes 2014

 

 

Well the Golden Globes were last night and as usual I like to do a little take on the evening as if my opinion matters and I have any right to one concerning complete strangers making millions more than I will ever dream of.  The hosts were good, funny enough.  I think there could have been more of them.  There was a skit where Poehler played Fey's son which was pretty good.  Apparently she has a son that looks like Poehler and his father is a random Golden Globe attendee.  Whore jokes are always good for a laugh. 

 

Onto the "look" review.  I am kinder with mine, I am NO Joan Rivers.  I don't I will ever say something about an outfit resembling a yeast infection.  It's just not in me.  

 

 

The hairs too straight, the makeup too harsh, the neckline a snore but I actually like the romantic pattern.  Purse, fail.

In keeping with Hustle, this is great.  Love all it is.

This girl competes for perfection with the gal we all know so well below.

My husband said it perfectly, "lucky hand".

They were lovely and funny and I adore them both.

All her boobs could say was, "you tried to wash us out with the colour of this dress, you failed".

She looks a lot less like a bobblehead when she is pregnant.  It's nice to see some meat on her bones.

Lenscrafters sells contacts too Megan, and the hair, really?

Oh Lena, Lena, Lena.  Throw those shoulders back, be as proud as we know you to be and lose anything banana coloured.

Orange is the New Black in a green lace negligee.

I've never seen her look better.  The simplicity of this is brilliant.  The VaVaVa Voom of this is right on the money.

All everyone is talking about is the fact she almost slipped a nipple, she had on tape AND a pastie.  There was nothing to see but her sheer perfection.

The neckline is so her, but I am getting bored of it IF it weren't for the jewels.  The black and turquoise is gorgeous.  To much poof in the dress for my liking.

Emma Thompson was hysterical on stage as a presenter but girl, come on, way to highlight your wee belly.  You so could have done better.  Loving the hair colour though.  She is a beauty.

She's in something and wearing something.  I do not know, she is without a doubt one of the best dressed and most beautiful.  My husband almost licked the TV. 

Your face isn't frozen this year girl.  Good girl. 

Really cute, suits her. 

Weird tummy line created by the fit, a little too much Angelina leg but stunning none the less.  And having Johnny Depp as your boyfriend doesn't hurt either.

Gorgeous.

The cut of the dress is really beautiful. 

She's always pretty at these things.

Rightly so represents some fashion lines, no Hermoine anymore.

Nights best dressed couple.

Nights second best dressed couple.

She's stunning and gorgeous but the fabric and the belly just makes me go reptile.

Such a pretty girl.  I am thinking of this hair cut people. 

I liked this dress.  I did. 

See this is a "hmmmmm" shot.  The hair and makeup, perfection. 

I just don't know.  Not sure. 

Missed the mark.  It just did.

Ashton Kutcher 1 - Demi 0

The waist line needs more defining by bringing the different fabrics to the waist.  JMO.

I really like this gal and the necklace, wonderful.  I am getting sick of the princess cut necklines.

She's always throwing caution to the wind with fashion.  I like the leg line, shoes and purse. 

Missed it by that much. 

OVERKILL.  Too much dress, too much necklace, too much hair.

Say "CHEEEESE".  Is she two?

And then the walking away shot ruins it all.  Tights are not for the red carpet.

Share your thoughts, or don't.  Whatev' floats yer boat.