Friday, February 28, 2014

DBPW - Day 26 Manic, normal...who cares, I am happy...for now

Friday February 28th, 2014 – Day 26

Well folks I woke up this morning and felt great.  YAY ME!  With Bi Polar you wake up and think right away, “How am I feeling?”  I was a little unsure how today would go because I knew I had to go get mt step kids this afternoon.  I had been preparing for it all week.  I knew it was going to happen, I had to.  When I HAVE TO, I have to.  But it is very unusual for me not to get high/manic to do something like that.  I mentally prepare so much that I jack myself all up for it.  It’s how I am often able to commit and see something through.  You should have seen me when I helped as the wedding planner for some friends weddings.  I was on my feet for 3 days, 18 hours a day, barely eating, just drinking gallons of water I would sweat off.  I just don’t stop.  It’s freakishly robotic but man, do I know how to throw a party.  Then I crash after for a month or so.

Usually when I get the step kids I am forced to see their Mother of course, she is their Mother and they do live with her.  That’s what I have to prepare for.  I can’t avoid that even if I wanted to, it would be tres rude.  I might be a lot of things but rude is not one of them.  The kids Mother is about 5’5” and maybe a hundred pounds of lean yoga machine.  UGGERS!  I have to behave.  I have to keep my mouth shut about family politics and how one of my legs probably outweighs her.  I once asked her to wear a burka to family events if she didn’t mind.  A little Mommy ego boosting never hurts.  Thankfully I made today MY BITCH.  I was totally owning myself.  I got dressed in ONE SHOT, picked something I thought was perfect casual/nice and hip.  ONE SHOT!  Do you know how rare that is?  That’s about as rare as the Beibs NOT carrying an STD.  I was confident right out the door this afternoon. 

I got to the city, the kids, an hour early so I decided to flit around and do a few things in the city.  I went and bought myself flowers, (see picture below), they are gorgeous.  I stopped at a jewellery store for new backs (stoppers) for my earrings and the man sold me on a Tree of Life ring I just love (picture below as well).  I went to the bakery for my step son who loves Challah bread.  And then I went to Starbucks and got myself one of the lunch box things, a yogurt for breakfast tomorrow and a latte which I drank a bit over the newspaper.  From there I drove around with the Pitch Perfect CD playing in my car drinking my latte without getting angry at one driver.  Not a one!  I am as shocked as you are, trust me. 

When I got to the kids I was still early and hoping I didn’t have to see anyone but I don’t get lucky that way.  The kid’s driveway is sheer ice and I mean sheer.  My car was sliding.  With my bad back, I wasn’t about to get out of the car to walk to their front door.  I felt bad actually because etiquette dictates I should have.  Rudeness.  Thankfully, my step son came out to me followed by his Mom.  It was nice, she was nice.  It was survivable.  It’s always so awkward.  I mean I am the woman that basically he left her for.  Basically.  A longer story than just that but it’s what she thinks, I know she does.  But she does play nice and I respect that, I do.  I apologized and said I could not afford to walk on the ice and we went talking from there.  She even offered to do Therapeutic Yoga with me and Reiki.  Things she truly believes in, as do I, well in the former not the latter.  I believe different things work for different people.  I know she believes both of these things would work for my back issues.  I am sure it would not be so being done under the watchful eye of my husband’s ex-wife.  That just gets a little too close for comfort.  And while I felt comfortable in my own skin today, I am sure doing downward – look at my ass – dog, I wouldn’t be so confident.

Driving with teenagers is….joyous.  They sleep, complain about the music, sleep, complain about the distance, sleep, complain about the food, sleep, complain about….well you get the drift.  Oh and the ever favorite, “Don’t swear”.  Any idea how much I actually DO swear?  I have a twitch now in my eye that comes out when my brain is on overload.  The text to my husband read, “You owe me, large, like extra-large, like super-duper large”.  Today I had the strength and patience of 12 overly medicated humans.   I jest really.  My step son chatted my ear off, he’s 15.  I got to hear all the good gossip and I love the kid to death.  And my step daughter, the sleep complainer, is such perfection back there at 12, (I wanna be older), years of age.  Just sheer beauty in my rear view mirror. 

I have to tell you about the start of my day before I sign off.  I was up at 7am (boo hoo me…when you don’t work and don’t have to be, that sucks and you know it).  It’s what made me question being manic.  Up that early can sometime indicate an uncontrollable surge of energy.  I fed the dog, stripped the dogs half of the bed, and his half of the couch blankets, to be washed.  When Daddy’s away Doggy takes “Daddy’s spots” on, well, everything.  Before Dad gets home I figure I could clean up a bit.  Briards, my breed of dog, carry a lot of yummy stuff in their long full beards.  (There’s a picture below) Once I had that was underway, just after 8am, I headed in to town for coffee as per the norm.   From there it was groceries for the kids.  Then the Post Office which opens at 830am!!!  I was shocked by that.  I figured banker’s hours for sure, the 9 to 5 special.  I had to get a postcard to mail to a kid in the USA who is doing a school project about all the places he can get cards from.  Who am I to step in the way of a genius idea using old fashion snail mail?  Off went a Toronto Maple Leafs postcard to Mrs. Londeree’s class in Missouri.  LOL.  I just loved sending that.  Worth the two bucks.  Then I went to the pet store and finally the pharmacy.  I was busy this morning and none of it was overwhelming me with the thought in the back of my mind of how my afternoon would end seeing someone much tinier than me.  I was a very proud chunky monkey young lady today.   

Another prideful moment this morning was my surprising control over the human male.  When I got to the pharmacy the hallway door was open but the lights were mostly off in the store so I figured they weren’t open yet.  I could hear them but sometimes they don’t open the store until a little after 9am. Two men came in and waited behind me chatting up my ear about the polar vortex.  I couldn’t help but say, “Try living on the lake, while it has its perks, I keep feeling like I should repeat over and over, I just wanna go somewhere warm, I just wanna go somewhere warm while clicking my heels together”.  That joke went right over their heads.  Wizard of Oz, Dorthy?  No?  Finally after 10 minutes of chatter I knocked on the store door.  The pharmacist assistant came out and opened the door, without unlocking it.  It had been opened the entire time!!  The gents were going to wait behind me until Christmas I guessed.  When I said that both chimed in with almost identical, “Never mess with a woman in line”.  *giggles* Was a wonderfully funny start to the day with two 60 year old men reminding me that not all men are stupid. 

And that’s today’s story.  I was a totally normal sane person.  Almost beyond so.  I was happy.  Not many can say that on a day to day.  I am gonna try to hold onto that for a bit, for as long as I can.  
I really love this new ring.  It's sterling silver, $60 cash with 6 earring backs thrown in.  Not too shabby.

And I think I love my flowers even more.  They too were $60 because I bought them all separate then made my own bouquet.  I think every woman should buy themselves flowers at LEAST once a month.  They just brighten your day, and your home decor.  I love the smell when I pass the foyer. 

Well hands down I love this guy the mostest.

How about you?  Did you have a happy day?

Thursday, February 27, 2014

DBPW - Day 25 AAAAAAAannd she's back

Thursday February 27th, 2014 – Day 25

This Bi Polar shits for the birds.  It really is.  I woke up this morning feeling different.  By the time I got to the gym I realized I felt normal.  I mean, COME ON!  Just all of the sudden, BAM, all good.  And then all you can think to yourself is, “I never want to go back there”.   NEVER.  So just like that I feel better but I can’t help look over my shoulder and say, “Wow, that one hurt”.  Think about how much enjoyment you get out of today knowing what just happened is coming again, you know it’s so, that won’t change.   It’s not like I can say I had a bad day and won’t ever again because I will smile the shit out of this world.  It doesn’t work for my life. 

I made the gym my bitch this morning.  I jogged on the spot through the whole circuit and even socialized a bit when a woman talked of Justin Bieber/Beiber.  I had to.  I was not letting it go, a conversation about him where I don’t share my wisdom on “prison pants”.  See below.  The older gal was out of her mind with this newly found knowledge.  She couldn’t wait to start sharing it with young men she thought ought to “pull up their damn nickers”.  This particular woman I think is there every day or like me goes every other this week, don’t know.  I just know she never shuts up. Tuesday she apologized for her camel toe basically.  Her pants were too long so she hiked them up under her boobs and the resulting “pull” wasn’t terrific.  I said, “you don’t give THAT thing some breathing room (*me pointing to her nether regions*) you may pass out”.  It was all even funnier because a friend had messaged me while I was at the gym to make it my bitch and make fun of people to get through it if need be.  And I did just that, made the gym my bitch, picked on Justin Beiber and asked a woman to let her vagina have some breathing room.  It’s how I roll really.

 JB (The Biebs/Beibs) apparently REALLY wants some anal penetration.  I know some people little boy, I know some people.
The one thing I do not make my bitch at the gym are the mirrors.  I am sorry but I do not need to see “all of this” (*hands wave around body*) bouncing up and down EVER.  There are no mirrors in Curves accept in the bathrooms and people leave the doors open all the time.  You do that, for the next person.  When I get to the side closest to the doors I close them.  I can’t help it.  People look at me funny and I have to say, “I don’t want to see BAM, ORANGE” (*waves hand over large orange shirt*).  No one looks pretty working out save for maybe Channing Tatum.  I am pretty sure I would be good with him sweatin’.  I mean I did sit through the entire Magic Mike movie….on mute. 
 *sigh* I have watched his dance scenes from that movie, a few times.  Just the dance scenes.  Nothing else.  I turned the sound off the first time I watched it.  LOL

After the gym I made my way over to Timmies for my coffee.  And yes Jill, I do believe Tim Horton’s serves coffee, just not coffee that’s up to YOUR standards.  It’s still a caffeine laden beverage.  Pulling out of the lot was a man who looked a lot like my psychiatrist and he gave me a surprised look that had me thinking that he looked like he was wondering who let me out of the house.  That made me laugh.  He seriously looked concerned.

That was kind of his face really, all puckered up with concern much like he is when I am in there.  Looks like us a bit.  Who's been watching us?

You know what I am sick off?  POTHOLES.  If I avoid 1, I end up hitting 2 more and they are worst in the country and especially at Tim Horton’s drive through and parking lots.  They need to fix this shit.  The other day I ordered an “Extra large…..Oh MY GOD I am falling!” the fucking hole was so big. 

Okay the wind outside right now is so harsh that it sounds like a train coming.  And it’s just pure white outside, or perhaps as they say, a whiteout.  The Polar Vortex can kiss my ass.  I am tired of it.  It’s time for it to go home.  Don’t you wanna go home Polar Vortex, don’t ya?  I swear to god we are gonna end up sooner than later in the movie The Day After Tomorrow.  Do you think the 90 cars on the 400 were all doing 100km/hr in that snow storm?  I do.  For you Americans on here it’s a highway of ours shut down for the day because of a wall of snow really that stupid people think they can drive through, at 100km/hr or 65mph (thereabouts) with a visibility of ZERO.  People who get in accidents are typically in one because SOMEONE, maybe not them but someone else, act stupidly.  It’s a fact.  You can’t get in an accident unless someone is stupid.  I back into things all the time, stupid.  I should probably look back *ahem*, behind me. Whooopsie.
View of the 90 car pile up from a stupid person's phone.
This is the storm coming into our city today.  That's a wall of snow squall.
Apparently I will be right here, writing to you kind folks from my living room.

And that’s today’s news.  I am me again.  For how long, no one knows.  Least of all me.






Wednesday, February 26, 2014

DBPW - Day 24 Thank you ladies...thank you.

Wednesday February 26th, 2014 – Day 24

Sorry to say folks things are not looking up in our household.  I am still very down and yet I find myself also happy as shit no one is here to share in this amazing, awe inspiring, uplifting mood.  This IS what Bi Polar looks like. 
I wrote the above earlier, now, I am actually starting to feel a little more UP, a little more, "ME". *YAY*
Please do not worry about me.  I have seen WORSE days.  This is all part of being Bi Polar and I need to document this fact as part of this process.  I did say Diary of a Bi Polar Woman 365 days.  
"I will go to jail".
"I will go to jail".
"I must remember, I WILL go to jail".
I love the girls in my life who are so loving, accepting and understanding of all that I go through while living with this disease and attempting to give them the best of me too.  Finding that balance is what I long for in life and I will find it.  It's a fine line but I am getting better at knowing when to say yes or no, or yes and then I need to rest.  :)
 I look back on my 20s, can't believe I am still here *hiccup* *stumble* *heartbreak*.
I look back on my 30s, can't believe I am still here *chest pains* *head between legs* *scream face*
I look back on my 40s and think, "3 years and counting bitch you can do this!"
I love this and it makes me happy, as long as I am staring at it.  I lied on the floor and thought the same thought.  I did giggle.  All is not hopeless.
How are you fine folks doing?

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

DBPW - Day 23 It is, what it is....

Tuesday February 25th, 2014 – Day 23

I set today’s goals as lightly as I did yesterday’s.  Gentle, loving, kindness.  I know from me it sounds weird, loving, kindness but it’s what I have to work with.  I am very low. 

I laid in bed this morning for two hours.  By the time I got to the gym it was 10am and I was in quite a state.  I almost didn’t go in.  Once I got in there, I almost left but I kept repeating in my head, “it’s only half an hour, it’s only half an hour”.

So I did it, and that and a shower is all I have accomplished today.  I wrote another entry but that’s it. 

I haven’t even had a meal yet today, just nibbles here and there.  Food doesn’t even taste right.  I am sure it’s PMS but it could just be a low.  And this is your welcome to Bi Polar.  The uncontrollable, make no sense lows. 

It is what it is, until it isn't, then it's something else. 


The Selfie...UGH!

When I am thin(ner), like a minimum of 50 pounds less that what I weigh now, I am as about as photogenic as you can get.  Or so they say.  I don't see it, I find flaws.  It's what the insecure me does.  Others say things like "beautiful", "gorgeous", and "perfect" and I brush those comments off like they mean nothing.  Probably because they did mean nothing, each wonderful comment, meant nothing.  I had no self confidence and yet I was thin?
Forward to 50 pounds later and I have more self confidence than I did before the difference being, I don't care as much about my appearance.   Now maybe it's the case of the chunky monkey doesn't care about herself but I don't think so.  I still dress up when called for.  I still wear makeup when necessary, you know to funerals and shit.   But on the day to day, I let my skin breathe with nothing but base moisturizer followed by coconut oil dabbed on all cold, dry face day long.  I think my skin looks great for a 30 year smoker (don't worry I quit).  My hubby loves me fresh faced.  He always has.  My face breaks out at the touch of makeup.  It always has.  So I am makeup free.  And my flaws show.  I have broken blood vessels in my face.  I have a permanent red nose.  I get zits with PMS.  I have zit scars from obsessively performing surgery on the aforementioned zits.  I have freckles.  I have sun spots.  I have a birthmark right there on my face.  And I cover non of it up unless I am going out, seeing someone important, or as I mentioned before, a dead person.
With the weight comes a chunky monkey face.  You can see it.  Anyone can.  Look through my pictures back when FB first started and I have a thinner face, oddly enough almost always in makeup covering the flaws nicely?  (Weird how thinner I was so not confident the thought of no makeup was unheard of).  I have smile lines more prominent in the old pictures because my face is thinner.  Its a thinner face and I think of that every single time my picture is taken from the neck up.  I think to myself, oh god I have a fatter face.  The reason for the neck up, I don't let pictures, least not many, appear anywhere that are from the feet up.  I don't need to see THAT online do I?  I just don't.  I am a chunky monkey.  I said once I own this body and I do.  I did this, I put myself here, in this bigger body and so long as I am healthy I am going to learn to live with it, with a ton of neck up pictures damn it!
If you look through my pictures you will see years of a gap in any pictures of me.  Because I was growing, getting bigger.  I knew it, I didn't want to face it and if you take my picture and post it then I have to deal with the reality of it.  So I didn't post pictures or allow them of me.  There's no better feeling in the world than having to say, "don't post that", or "please take that down".  There you are, standing in a picture with a friend, laughing and when it posts you want to forget that's how you ever looked.
When I made the decision to own this, me, it was because a girl online, Brittany Gibbons (see her link below) made the powerful decision to post plus sized bikini pictures of herself.  She has a daughter and the last thing she wants for her daughter to think is that only a size 2 can be perfection and in a bikini.  Brittany has made a Facebook group of more than four thousand people called Curvy Girl Guide and it's for women to spend time applauding, supporting, loving each other and themselves.  It really is quite something the following this girl has gotten just because she said, "I am going to love myself AS IS".  Who'da thunk it?  That women needed to hear this from other women? 
Back to moi.  When Brittany asked women to post a picture of themselves, a full body shot all these women started to step up to the plate and posted pictures of themselves.  It was amazing.  Most of the shots are women done up to the nines as they say (and not sure why they say that because done up to the 10s makes more sense).  It seemed women only took full body selfies if they got dolled up first.  I was no exception.  It was Christmas day, I was done up a bit for the family day.  When my husband took the picture it was one of the first full body shots I have seen of myself in some time and I hated it.  I looked huge.  But all these women were owning their pictures and they were beautiful, why wasn't I?  Why couldn't I find beauty in my own?  So I thought about it, and thought about it some more and realized it was because I was in denial about who I was, what I looked like.  I had even started ignoring what the mirror told me.  It told me I was bigger, I just didn't pay attention.  The picture slapped me into reality.  I didn't like how I looked.  I needed to address that thinking. 
Address it, I did.  I took ownership of my body not long after.  I decided to start going to the gym again, not to lose weight but to strengthen and firm myself up.  I have been big before, never out of shape.  It was time to admit that too, I was out of shape.  I lost 9 inches in size (spread over hips, thighs, abs etc) but not a pound in the first month of the gym.  That's how out of shape I was.  My body needed only a month to say, "this could be tighter, so could this and that".   My body needed attention and I am finally giving it.  Am I going to start posting full body selfies every day, no.  But I am learning to love and accept myself and that's good enough.
Now to the reason for this post.  Take all of this and add it together and you have a woman who has put on weight, but is learning to love and accept herself as is.  She doesn't throw on makeup every day and find the right angle to selfie herself, she's not "there yet" and not sure she wants to and hair is such a chore.  But when there's a new hair cut or a need to evidence something this girl will toss up a picture.  It's almost always after a hair cut and I still don't have makeup on.  I don't see the point, I just don't.  There is new beautiful hair to show though so let's do this.  A picture is taken, another, another, another, another......I could take 20 before finding one I actually like.  Or I could take one and be in a mood and not care, just post it. 
Most recently I posted a picture shown below labeled EAU NATUREL (f*ck off on the spelling or right wording, I am making a point here!).  It was on the fly, I took 2 I think and posted the better of the two.  Just imagine the other one!  The one I deleted!  When I did this I was not kidding myself, I saw the picture, I am not blind.  I said, "you've looked better, you've looked worse, who cares" and posted it.  It was to show how much my hair had grown.  Two women so far have commented about that picture.  Whether joking or otherwise they couldn't believe I posted it.  It's not the most flattering of pictures.  But you know what, it's me.  It's who I am.  I represents all my little flaws and the fact I didn't do my face or hair, obviously.  I am not insulted by the negative comments because one was a "I cannot believe you posted that".  Basically one was saying they couldn't imagine posting that image of themselves, the real them, no proper angles, lights, makeup or otherwise.  The other comment was about my messy hair.  And it was hysterical actually.  I look much like the llama save for the teeth.  I wasn't insulted then either because it was funny but the woman making the joke was all over me privately about whether or not I understood it was a joke.  Said she got flack for picking on me.  It's okay.  It's okay to have fun.  It's okay to say "you can't believe" or "you couldn't or wouldn't post".  It's okay. 
None of us are going to be in the same head space at the same time.  Perhaps you aren't ready for the world to see you "as is", but I am okay with it.  There's a certain power in knowing you are posting your worst picture and anyone, old boyfriends, girlfriends of old boyfriends, prettier girls you think, are seeing your worst picture.  It's only up from there!  There's a certain power in knowing you are confident that the picture doesn't matter in your grand scheme of things.  There's a certain power in knowing you accept yourself "as is".   I am not ready to post a bikini picture but I am going to stop taking 42 selfies to get one I like.  I am going to stop hiding behind people and asking for the neck up.  And if I look like a llama some days I am good with it.  Could be worse, I could be the llama who by the way, really is in need of some braces.  

I hid behind my girlfriend in this picture.  Her hubby instinctively knew "neck up", god bless him.  But I love this picture.  A year ago I wouldn't have posted this for the puffy no makeup'd face.   

I allowed this one because it's one eye.  The shot is basically one eye.  You can't really go wrong with one eye.   Though many commented on my being a slutty sex kitten in this one.  They only speak the truth.
New hair cut picture.  Took at least 25 pictures that day.  I still hate this one but after a certain point your arm starts to cramp so you post the picture that's the best of 40. 
Eau Naturel
Now here is the one that's caused all the fuss.  I am 20 minutes out of a shower.  My hair has dried totally naturally with it's curl.  I tend to put the front up but I didn't because I was showing how much it had grown from the previous picture.  There is maybe two weeks, perhaps three between the two pictures (see above).  I am well aware my hair is a mess and I am makeup less.  I clearly don't care.  Even the look on my face says that. threw some peeps for a loop.  I know for a fact there are more of you out there that HONESTLY wish to say, "makeup girl", "how's about a hair brush" because it's funny and it's true, and it's okay that's it's true!    I wasn't going for a "Hollywood Casting Photo". 
You have to admit our hair is similar.  When I saw this, and the "Shiiiit I look good" I couldn't stop laughing.  I thought immediately of the picture of my bad hair and makeup less face BEFORE a friend even said anything.  I couldn't help it because it's THAT funny.  And the fact the llama thinks she looks good is even funnier because I think I do eau naturel too.  Thank f*ck my teeth are lovely. 
This is today out of the shower because I had to show what my hair looks like when I brush it.  I am nakers under the towel but not why it's wrapped up.  It's wrapped up because it hides my chunky monkey clavical and shoulders.  And a bit of a chunky chin.  It's not a one eye shot so......cover up gurl, cover up.  I am a work in progress.  Note the happy face.  That's not because of the picture commentary it's simply because I am that grumpy about pictures. 

Monday, February 24, 2014

DBPW Day 22 - I am down here, keep going, further, down a little more.....

I suppose I should try and explain a bi polar low.  It’s just like being depressed accept, it comes out of nowhere, or from OCD obsessing about something, or an environmental situation.  People who suffer from depression stay depressed until they fix it chemically and/or with therapy.  People who suffer from bi polar get repeated, often, dips into depression that can only be controlled with drugs.  Enough drugs in some case you disappear.   I am not on enough drugs I’ve disappeared so I am still vulnerable to dips, severe dips. 

And this is why I am writing to you today completely and utterly lost in depression and despair.  My husband left for a trip Saturday morning.  He’d been asking me all day Friday what was wrong.  I knew what was coming, I’ve been fighting this low for so long, she was gonna win.  I call her a she, the mood, because she’s a bitch.  I could feel her creeping over me.  Friday night I overate dinner and had a dessert my overeating tummy didn’t need.  I actually cued flu like responses in my body I overate enough.  My husband went to bed early, having to get up early to go.  And unlike each day before, me in bed at 9pm, I stayed wide awake chewing my face and fingers until midnight.   I knew he was leaving and I knew it meant I was either gonna be fine or drop.  You know many happy people emphasize how you have a choice.  Well you DON’T with Bi Polar or depression.  It just is.  And you deal with it as best you can.   So please do not judge.  Do not offer someone who is sick a unrealistic cure.  Just listen and love. 

I don’t normally go to the gym on the weekend.  I try to get some pilates in on my reformer but not this weekend.  Saturday I went to get coffee and ended up hitting up the grocery store too.  I needed water, l like the huge bottles.  I also bought a large pie and 12 oatmeal raisin cookies.  By last night they were all gone.  The cookies went blindingly fast, the pie took two days.  I know when I am eating like this it’s because in my mind I am saying;

“I don’t give a fuck”

“In this mood the only happiness I will get is from food, enjoy it”

“I’m big boned (LOL) anyways so who cares”

“I will watch what I eat tomorrow”

“A pie in two days isn’t THAT bad (for a family of 4)”

“Get rid of the food, make it disappear, food is the enemy”

“I hate myself anyways”

All of the above having been said the last two days.  Not nice stuff.  But it happens and I try to get a grip on it as best I can.  I am still here aren’t I?   Trust me when I say that’s a goal, the end goal.  To still be here tomorrow. 

For now, these are today’s goals, as limited as they might be.  This is all I will likely be able to do, to get out of my own head:

-          I am going to ride out this low as best I know how.  Meditate, medicate, write write write (alternate forum, a book).

-          I am going to shower damn it.  Full bloated belly or not, it is not the zombie apocalypse, a girl needs to shower every day.

-          I am going to make a nice big healthy breakfast to tie me through until lunch.  Lunch will be decent and dinner even better.  That said if I have a treat, I will NOT obsess about it or punish myself for it. 

-          I am going to be nice to myself all day long.   I am going to be kind to myself all day long.

-          I am going to try to exercise, yoga, pilates, stretching, anything.

-          I am going to remember this body is only a vessel and my mind the steering, I am essentially in control.  As much as one can be when the steering column is broken in the vessel.  

This is how a bi polar low feels.  And it’s okay.  I don’t have to feel judged by all those that say a smile will make everything go away.  Not really.  Drugs maybe, a smile would be a lie.  I drove to town this morning to get my morning coffee and had fun music on.  Remember how I said it soothes the savage beast.  I had to turn it off.  It was so happy it was only making me sadder that I wasn’t enjoying it.   Then my thoughts go to dark places like my funeral and whether I could have a bouncer there with a guest list and bounce out the people who hurt me and continue to do so in their treatment of me.  Their lack of understanding, acceptance, and forgiveness.   Then I think of ways it could be done.  And I stop myself.  Right there.  I tell myself how ridiculous it is to think about when I know I do not have the courage to leave the people I love so much.  The ones that are here.  The ones that do understand, accept and forgive.  The dog that doesn’t know any better than to love me unconditionally.  The rabbits that only know to snuggle or bite me, both meaning I am their property, they own me.  The friends that I know would think to turn to me one day, only to be reminded I wasn’t there.  The husband I am not sure could go on without me.  And the kids that would again wonder what part they played in the tragedy that is life for divorced kids.  And then I stop thinking how to do it and I cry because life is hard right now, really hard.  My heart aches for a million reasons and none.

But I am still here.  So far so good for today. 
-          Still here.
-          Had a good healthy breakfast.
-          Meditated (loving kindness meditation).
-          Pilates.
-          Shower.
-          Haven’t insulted myself once yet.
-          Food is for sustenance.
I will let ya know tomorrow if anything changes but so far so good. 



Sunday, February 23, 2014

DBPW - Day 21 Tomorrow has to be better right?

Well folks, I am not doing so well today.  I got up this morning to watch the hockey game and the moods been downhill ever since. 

The hubby is away and basically since he left I have been eating away his absence.  The minute I am left alone to my own devices I am either okay, or I go out of my way to overeat, binge, like there will never be food again.  I punish myself for something, for some reason. 

It happens, we all have moods and mines just not great today.

Tomorrow is a new day.  I will make sure to start the day off better, and end it better too. 
Ain't that the truth!

...and most days I believe it. Just not today.
Tomorrow is a new day!  That's one thing you can ALWAYS be certain of.  If you can take no comfort in anything else, take it in that. 

Saturday, February 22, 2014

DBPW - Day 20 I honestly cannot believe I am actually sticking to doing this

It’s a no gym day.  First off my husband left at 430am, waking me in the process.  Then the puppy decided he needed to take Daddy’s place in bed at 630am, waking me in the process.  Then the puppy who likes to sleep in needed to decide whether he wanted to sleep in, OR wake up and have his breakfast.  He talked about that on an off for a couple of hours.  About every half hour on the hour the pup would roll over, announce he was rolling over, check to see if I was going to do anything about his rolling over then flop all 100 pounds back down to sleep.

We got up at 830am. 

I have no husband for a week.  My brother might be coming to stay with me but that’s out in the apartment guest suite.  I am alone for a week basically.  I would like ideas of things I can do to get me in “just” enough trouble to make the husband laugh.  I was thinking of hitting up a Legion for a few drinks one night maybe for a Eucre night or Bingo?  I told him I was gonna paaaaartaaaay.  LOL

What a gorgeous day today.  The wind was brisk in the late morning but earlier, just gorgeous.  I took a pillow and blanket out and did a little meditation on the front stoop in the alcove helping stop the wind.  It truly was lovely.  It’s these little things, the sun, (you know in the grand scheme of things that little wee sun).  We have to appreciate the wee things.

I was up late last night, obsessing about making up with friends, making any conflict go away in my life.  But I realized sitting in the sun, it doesn’t matter anymore.  In the moments like the sun, no one mattered but me and the sun.  If life is just made up of those little now moments then nothing really matters that much but that moment in time.  I am not saying the people I obsess about are bad people or wrong, or that they don’t matter to some people, they just shouldn’t to me.  Even in typing that I know I am lying, they matter too much too me some days.  They are a great part of my history but if I take the world as little nows, right nows, they are gone.  And when I think that way I smile. 

I would love to bundle up today and take the dog for a walk but I have a sheer ice driveway and don’t think my body or the old dog’s would do well with a spill on the ice. 

And how fast they turn, how fast the day turns.  Can you just have something happen in your day and throw you so far off your previous track you wonder if you are truly crazy?  I mean it's not like something tragic happened.  It's just fluff drama and it throws me off my game EVERY time. 
I have an ex friend from high school.  One of those I am trying to let go of (see above).  To say we’ve had a rocky road is the greatest of understatements.  My husband hates her, he hates the way she’s hurt me and makes me so angry.  I try so hard to let it go, I swear I do.  Like today.  I was up late obsessing about her and some other friends so today was all about love and light, enjoying the sun, some TV shows I haven’t been able to watch, just a good quiet day.
Out of nowhere I see a friend post on Facebook and then  that same friend responding to this girl I am trying to get out of my life.  I can only see my friends comments and not this girls.  I always could before.  We are not friends, but we share friends and comment all the time on the same posts.  Not anymore.  You see, she’s Facebook blocked me.  It’s funny she tells everyone I am a cyber bully to her because I vented about us to mutual friends.  But she and her friend, both block people on Facebook and they are not bullies?  It's obvious when someone has done so to all they are mutually speaking too so who's the bully now?  And it’s all so High School mean, cruel and rude.  That said, no matter how childish it is, it hurts.  It hurts to know that someone out there hates you so much they go out of their way to configure their account to block themselves from even having to see your name.  
It's at this time I could call them both names, make fun of their lives and belittle them but it only takes me to their level.  I snapped on Facebook and called her actions "childish" on my friends wall but I took it down.  That in itself, the action of calling it anything was childish.  It's not our mutual friends fault.  Just my temperamental reaction to someone else’s action.  It, her actions, had immediately taken control of my emotions and was starting to ruin my day, if I let it anyways.   
Instead I wrote to you kind folks and a couple of friends just asking, “Really? Why?  Help? I don’t get it?”  I am not exactly the type of person “normal” people WANT or choose to piss off.   I had a friend talk me off the ceiling.  God love girlfriends. 

It’s time for that dog walk now.  Damn it.   I will go play with my baby rabbits first, they always make me smile.  Breathe in, Breathe out.  The dog and I balanced our way to the dry road and up the hill and back.  It’s always good when you are losing it to distract yourself as soon as possible.  To walk it off and breathe damn it, just breathe.  Having a good ear never hurts too.  But at a certain point you have to accept what YOU ARE ALLOWING into your house, your mind, your heart and shut that door. 

Mine door is shut again, for now. 

To my girlfriends out there.  I love you gals.  So much.