I have been out spoken my whole life about divorce. I had two parents who lost themselves entirely inside their divorce and brought my brother and I along for the ride. My brother was 17 so he latched onto my Dad and went with him when he was told of the looming divorce. I was sent away with my grandparents only to come back to both my Dad and my brother gone. My Mother said, "they left us". I will never forget it. In her mind THEY had left US but she had no idea the impact those words would have on a 12 year old.
I spent the next 25 years in fight or flight mode. I've had both a medical doctor and many a therapists diagnosed me "fight or flight to survive". How else would a 12 year old handle having her family ripped apart. I ran away a lot, to friends houses for days on end when things got bad but most of the time I stuck around and fought my feelings. I fought love. Love wasn't trustable. People leave.
Never did my parents tell me it wasn't about me, or their love for me. Never did they say it was just their marriage that fell apart. If they couldn't say the words imagine how they were acting. They never failed to talk poorly about each other and my Dad didn't help by leaving me with my Mother who was in the middle of a nervous breakdown, and leave me for 2 years. Guess he felt too guilty to fight the anger that was me as a child so he didn't both. His new girlfriend got two years free without his daughter in his life. I think that should have gone the other way, the kids should always get alone time with their parents. When my husband was dating me we let the kids have 2 years just knowing I was in Daddy's life but they came first and got all his free time. Only when they were ready and they asked for me, demanded to meet me did I know I was no threat to their fragility that was their Daddy's love for them.
Tragedy couldn't have struck more fittingly when the first love of my life cheated on me. He only reinforced what I already knew. Love breaks up. People leave.
I was unlovable. Love sucked. Marriage sucked.
All my parents had to do to teach me about real love, through that divorce, was to make raising us kids as a priority. Put loving us first. Show us love in spite of their divorce. All they had to do was put their two children before their own needs to bash each other. Put their two children before their new girlfriend. Put their children before their own need to fall apart. Put their two children before the issues of money. Put their children first. It's not easy when times are hard to think past yourself but if you love your children, you need to try, hard.
When a marriage falls apart. A marriage falls apart. You committed to each other to be a family when you had kids and that means you dedicate your life to that family. When your marriage falls apart, that's ALL that falls apart. A marriage. Tell your children that. Prove that to your children. Love is real. Family is real. The family unit still exists because you love them, the children, that much, that you know the family unit must stay intact.
If you do all this, the following won't be a message your children leave for you:
Dear Mommy and Daddy
This child should not know these words or feelings, he deserves better. Poor fella is not only me as a kid but rips at my heart strings. The child inside me is in mourning for this boy.
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