2) In redneck country rolling your short sleeves up to your shoulders is not cool. (Unless you have your smokes in there).
3) Big dogs rule. (small dogs are okay too but guys laugh at guys with them and guys with them, remark before the guys laugh at them).
4) The words "One Way" don't mean the same to everyone in redneck town. (and I have a very loud voice according to one child).
5) You can find organic, great deli and cheeses in redneck town grocers. Then you find the f-in booze and it goes from $2 to $200 wine, to adult Slurpee's in a bag!!!!, to Grey Goose vodka!!!!. To which a redneck mutters "would you like grey poupon with that" under their breath when you get excited. The only reply is (sounds like) "ma' wee, sa va bien, douche bag".
6) Even though Target is half an hour away, your 12 year old would prefer that drive with her IPhone playing games but only if you turn your music down and don't sing.
7) Threatening play fighting with your 12 year old in Target can get you applause at one end of the store, "I will beat you, I swear it, you kids today are too soft" *and takes bow*, and a manager giving you the "I don't approve of your parenting skills" at the other end. (I would like all to note, she pinched me first!).
8) The whooo haaaw needs NO microderm abrasion. Like, not ever! (note: you cannot drive the dunes and not get sand, "there" and then trying to remove it in the shower cannot be done gently, it just can't). This is a SOLID LESSON to all.
9) Dog eats sand, dog poops sand.
10) Wife spends money on shoes she will never wear because "do I look fat in these jeans?" seems easier in good shoes. Husband buys new truck, new sled deck and new toy solely to make the other boys jealous. It works too. You could see peacock feathers from atop a 200 foot dune. (I admit it, my fast toy, the one I approved, makes me the cool chick out there too.)
11) My brothers a bit of a chicken shit. (You must not let off the gas atop 200 foot dune, just keep going). Or stop and get stuck. Exactly like he did. And quickly learned this girl don' dig, for nuthin'.
12) If I can make this shit hole redneck cottage rental into a home, this bitch can do anything!
13) I can cook like MacGuyver. Give me tinfoil, a potato, and roadkill and gourmet is ON! I am so fitting in.
14) Wearing a "DARWIN - "needs to take it up a notch" tshirt in redneck country gets a lot of confused faces and I love that ironic shit. I live for it.
15) Doing a 20 foot high jump in a 4 wheel dune buggy sport thingy does not a happy spine make.
16) A surprise 20 foot jump at the top of a 200 foot dune will make you scream so loud you actually pull a throat muscle.
17) Your BFF showing you up by doing a 30 foot jump right behind you will make you laugh so hard you pee. And she, will not only pee, but pull the same throat muscles screaming too.
18) Saying, "you know you aren't a kid anymore" one day may cause your BFF to take a flying header off a four wheeler the next day when she is trying to prove you wrong. I WIN!
Thumbs up = I am alive, I can't see straight, but I feel my limbs.
19) Kids cheat at cards. No correct that, kids cheat at all games. But, if there's two of them, they cannot get away with it. Hysterical giggles commence aaaaaaaaaaaand the gig is up.
20) My friends all like copious amounts of anything, that when consumed, makes you laugh. It's shocking, I know.
21) My husband can drive anything better than yours. It's just a fact. And it's sexy too.
22) A tent does and can, make a bedroom. Ask Emma. I swear I heard a microwave and a toilet flush???!
23) Cans and bottles are apparently meant to be shot.
24) 2 weeks of anything with humans and me in one place = ugly me = valium. Now I simply don't care I am ugly.
25) My Mother in Law goes redneck faster than a speeding light. Who has ever seen her drink beer from a can? Not I. Bring it woman, bring it!!!!
26) Adult Slurpee's, alcohol in, in a bag, pre-frozen. Just rip and straw like an illegal juice box makes the USA my favorite place ever! "Yes Emma I said a dozen of them, just get them and hush you".
27) In laws arriving and removing all humans twice in one day = HEAVEN.
28) Wearing your "jewels" (wedding shit, necklace, earrings, tennis and watch anniversary shit)...not appropriate in redneck town. They may say they like it but their eyes say "I will machete you bitch".
29) Having a step daughter play all week with your BFFs daughter is about the warmest most amazing feeling ever.
30) Having a step son teach your BFFs son manly shit, alongside your own brother as well, are Hallmark card making memories. If they made cards for shooting stuff up.
31) Having a dear family friend who can redneck with the best of them fly in to visit and go redneck wild on some redneck asses is amazingly fun especially when it's full of wisdom like "what's the last thing a bug sees after hitting the windshield Emma?". "What?" she asks, innocently. "it's ass" says my delicate flower pseudo sister of my husband. Emma breaks into a fit of giggles. (FYI - if I say shit I get "NICOLLE CORRECT YOURSELF" at the top of her lungs.
Not Kimmer, she gets giggles. "Sorry, wrong number".
32) Making kids laugh, even at the expense of embarrassing myself and them makes me happier than a menopausal woman in a candy store filled with fat burning magic chocolate.
33) Apparently if you Google "Silver Lake Sand Dunes" and images, there I appear, my picture. I AM officially the spokesperson for this redneck county! Happy to oblige. When is my next gun store opening????
34) I can still beat boys with their toys. I just "spritz" as Whoopie says while doing it. That shit's scary.
35) My redneck delicate flower has a preference to the speed of her vibrators. A semi automatic pellet gun doesn't seem to be fast enough, an automatic pellet gun sounds painful. Her preference is in between.
36) There are some things about her I need not know (see above). Neither does my step son, husband....etc. Lol.
37) My brother has a way with words. "Do you want to go to the dunes again today?" Reply, "no thanks, I feel like I was gang raped by a group of Transformers". In other words, *interpretation* his butt hurt from bouncing around on his 4 wheeler for 5 days.
38) "5 minute walk to a private beach" is not a 5 minute car ride to a climb down a cliff to a beach only accessible by cliff thereby making it private only if you are stupid enough to climb down it, let alone back up it. *Insert my husband pushing my step daughter alllll the way up*.
39) "No 4 wheeling on the property please". But hells to the yeah, shoot shit and leave empty bullet casings everywhere. That makes a girl feel safe. Well that and the giant chain likely used to hang.....a deer I hope.
40) A "loft to sleep 6-8 indicates" people would care to sleep on your floors. I wouldn't put the President of Russia's ass on that floor. Wait, yes I would, if said ass was up in the air and.....okay, ease back girl, ease back.
41) Those tree branch looking like bugs exist here in North America and they are CREEPY.
42) Bats may be blind but they still look at me funny, they see me.
43) My husband is truly a redneck just better dressed and a lot sweeter.
44) My husband finds sand, 4 wheeling and bikinis very entertaining.
45) I do not find 4 wheeling, sand, and beer bellies very entertaining.
46) A wildebeest head is not considered "decor" in most places. Especially when you have attached it to drywall, not a stud, and it now rests on the floor of the "sleep everyone here" loft.
47) Seeing rabbit ears with tinfoil on the TV truly does indicate the nature of your vacation.
48) People have actually been waiting for my VMA or whatnot report. I can't see it people, not with rabbit ears. I can say Miley needs to put her tongue BACK in her mouth, otherwise, it was what it was, a 20 year old performin' probably under the influence. See "redneck and dunes" above.
49) The inside lane, the one they refer to as either the "fast lane" or "passing lane" is clearly misunderstood in ALL of North America.
50) The friends and family in my life TODAY, right now, are the kindest, most loving, caring, fun, enjoyable, people ever. They love me, they understand me, and they get me. I love them, I understand them, and I get them. This is more than enough for me. Now if only this fucking place were bigger cause they are all getting on my last nerve.
P.S. 50) is only half true. Depends on the day which half.
This is a redneck beach. Only way in, 4 wheel drive and tires barely filled with air, followed by all your fun toys, ours being the visible pile of them lower right!