Saturday, June 13, 2015

I Think I Might be Ignorant *sigh*

I posted the other day how silly I thought this story was that these people were apparently being arrested for pissing off a mountain.  I should have made that point clear.  That was my only point, one cannot piss off a mountain.  The people who worship the mountain, yes.  A mountain, no.  I said it when I posted that there are people all over the world trekking up mountains.  In some cases, climbers have been criticized for leaving their feces behind.  Apparently base camp at Mount Everest is a dumping ground.  But none of those mountains have retaliated was my punch line.  And the local people that worship continue to allow people to climb their places of worship.  I am confident that the shrine I worship at will not be open to the public.  It’s my private place.  Even with a sign reading “Princess” above.  I can say no more or news of it could get out. 

Scientifically it is ludicrous to think a mountain attacked the human race by causing an earthquake because these people got naked.  I will stand by that statement until the cows fly home with the pigs.  And when they flock together I will come on here, in my little public forum, and apologize profusely for doubting the mountain and its followers.  When I posted my thoughts some others jumped on my fool hearty band wagon agreeing with my, “this is ridiculous” statement.  It was all fun and games until that one person got offended on the mountain’s behalf. 

At the time of my post I didn’t make it clear that I actually believe these naked people were wrong.  In trying to make a funny, I forgot to fuck up my punch line with footnotes to that effect.  If these “young people” knew this was sacred ground as one of the guides said they did, they were wrong indeed.  Whether you believe in the spirituality itself doesn’t matter.  You cannot climb up on someone’s alter and shit on it.  The “young people” (as they are referred to in the press) claim they didn't know, and they were just being young people.  Being stupid young people.  So shouldn’t they be charged with being stupid young people?  Or indecent exposure, whichever costs the most.  But jail time?  For offending a mountain?  Keep in mind please, that was the charge some spiritual people wanted to bring against them, “offending the mountain and causing an earthquake”.  Sure you have a right to believe in that, but I have the same rights to not agree.  Don’t I?

One cannot just strip naked wherever you want, even at the ends of the earth with other people getting naked, unless it's legal.  And to know it is or isn’t legal means to know the laws of where you are at the time you are getting naked.  And this is what the defence attorney argued and the judge agreed with, in Malaysia, at the hearing for the two Canadians involved.  Law is law.  Getting naked was the offence.  Pissing off a mountain based on someone else’s spiritual belief, is not.

In defending the mountain someone referred to the naked young people (and by association anyone commenting on this article, including me) as, “typical North Americans”, both "self-righteous and ignorant" ... to the customs and beliefs of anyone outside of North America feeling it’s their right to shit in someone’s living room.  It was something to that affect.  I got really angry and deleted it all.  I do that sometimes.  It’s an impulse control thing when I can’t think straight.  I often find myself being offended and hurt which then rolls lightning fast into being offended and angry as fuck.  I have learned that’s part of who I am and to step away and breathe.  So I deleted it all then sat on this for most of the afternoon thinking about how I really felt and what I wanted to say.   And represented here is how I feel.  I put on my big girl panties and wrote this.  Oh, so you know, when I put on the aforementioned BGPs the outside did see me naked through an opening in my curtains so any rain today, totes my fault.  

Here is my defence.  The leader of the pack in this naked quest was not in fact from North America, but Europe.  I believe there were some Brits and Dutch.  Therefore, it was not “typical self-righteous ignorant North Americans” to blame entirely. 

The defence rests. 

No wait, I have more. 

The truth is the entire world is full of self-righteous ignoramuses.  I might even be one of them for thinking that being arrested for annoying a mountain is a plain old waste of time.  I believe we have a right, as human beings to challenge, question, even joke (oh no you di’ant) about beliefs, religions and spirituality.   But to literally shit on them, no, that might be pushing it.  I did not mean to shit on the Malaysian people as a whole.  I did mean to shit on the idea that you can be arrested for pissing on/off a mountain.  Apparently these kids urinated on the mountain.  When you gotta go…..I joke but really, where does one go up a mountain?  On Everest they use plastic bags and then leave them apparently.  Bleck.   

This is one of Malaysia’s top tourist sites. (Per the old Wikipedia, “Malaysia's top tourist destinations are the Mulu Caves, Perhentian Islands, Langkawi, Petronas Towers and Mount Kinabalu [the offended mountain in question]”).  It also happens to be a place of worship.  These are very conflicting ideals.  Profit versus worship.  Well they should be conflicting but are not according to Pastor Bill Ray on the Huntley channel every Sunday morning.  They are not as conflicting as one might think.  The laws need to be made clear for all the self-righteous ignoramuses travelling to this site with their disposable incomes.  No, that disposable income does not give them a right to shit on the Malaysian people.  But this is a tourist site, a tourist trap, a money maker.  If you are going to profit as a country off your tourist sites, and keep them as sacred places of worship, you need to make the rules clear to protect their integrity.  The law needs to be clear because us ignoramuses be dumb.  Apparently we like to get naked and think nothing of peeing when we have to pee. 

For the record, I do not believe the Malaysian people stupid in general for believing in the spirituality of nature.  I do believe that laws should be based on fact, scientific fact, and much less on religion.  Religious law always segregate against differing beliefs or lack thereof.  I don’t believe anyone has the right to arrest someone for offending a mountain any more than I think a Republican Christian Minister from Texas has the right to arrest a gay person because it offends their belief system.  If that makes me typically self-righteous and ignorant, so be it. 

I am no comedian but I believe that comedians have the right to say whatever the hell they want that’s why they are called rights and freedoms, granted to all.  If I don't like it then I either cringe my way through it, leave, or heckle.  If heckle is my choice then I had better expect a comeback.  This is my heckle comeback.  Yes, I am bracing myself.  I expect to be called something else for being this ignorant.  It’s funny because if I were a professional comedian then my words would likely be considered an "art form" and all bets would be off.  I wouldn’t be criticized or called ignorant I would be called challenging and confrontational, thought provoking.  Label it Art and most tend to climb down off the proverbial high horse.  “Freedom of expression is your god given (if you believe in that sort of thing), right”, they say.

I need a guidebook to get around all these rules in today’s society, I really do.   I have to mention that I do love when comedy is ironic.  I call humans assholes allll the time which oddly enough makes me an asshole by default for that whole, “I am a human thing”. 


It’s all so complicated. 

You judge me for judging and I judge you for judging me.  And none of us went to law school. 



Thursday, June 4, 2015

My First Anniversary #getloud #bellletstalk #endstigma #areyouokay

It's my first year anniversary.  AAD, After Almost Dying.  PSA, Post Suicide Attempt.  Shocked?  I know.  I just figured that one way to end the stigma of suicide and Mental Illness is to just throw this shit out there.  It is what it is.  I tried to kill myself a year ago today and apparently I wasn't very good at it.  I am still here.  I am beyond lucky.  I am surviving Mental Illness.

I am guessing you are still a little thrown off balance.  How can I seemingly make light of this?  I have to is how.  I am going to keep talking about my suicide attempt matter-of-factually until it stops being a shock.  I want you to feel uncomfortable until; you no longer feel uncomfortable.  I couldn't put it more simply than, suicides take lives.  Suicides are derived from Mental illness.  Mental Illness takes lives.  Every second of every minute of every day, like any other disease, people are dying from Mental Illness.  I tried to kill myself by an overdose a year ago today. 

Are you hiding from me now? 

Did you actually go hide? 

Did you consider unfriending me?

I bet you are unfollowing me?

Have you stopped reading this?

Is this too unhappy for you?

Maybe it's too negative, I mean you might already be struggling with a bad day?

Shall I post a video of baby animals?  Give me a minute. 

Until such time as we stop making Mental Illness taboo, the unspeakable, deaths are going to continue.  People need to be able to talk about how they feel without worrying that they are going to lose the people around them for any of the above reasons.  People with depression, who seem innately negative are suffering with Mental Illness.  They are not "negative nellies".  They are not in control of their thoughts.  They are very much lost and they need your love and support.  They need your understanding and compassion.  They need you to stop saying things like "negative thoughts equal a negative life".  Be that as it may be, they are sick.  They feel miserable.  Unhappy.  Alone.  They want to be anything but all that.  It might just take a little more time and effort than your saying, "just be happy", to get them out of it.  Love them.  Understand that.  You may not understand them but understand they are sick.

"Are you okay?"  Funny you should ask, because that is exactly what you should ask someone you think might be suicidal.  People suffering with Mental Illness are often so lost that this question, may be about the only safe question you can get away with.  The one question that might just push it's way through the darkness.  I remember prior to my suicide attempt being angry with someone as depressive people often are.  I was lashing out at them.  In the middle of that they said, out of nowhere, "Are you okay?" My thoughts raced, "How dare you ask that of me, that's not the point, you were mean to me".  Then I stopped and thought, "NO I am NOT okay.  I am really quite angry right now, unreasonably so, I think.  I am lost in this anger.  Why can't I get out of here?  I am dying inside right now.  I need help.  Someone fucking help me".  Even in that fit of rage, that question would hit home for me, "Are you okay?"  It's so simple really.  Was I okay?

Please don't ever stop asking, "Are you okay?" 

I am alive today because I talked about being suicidal.  I knew I was.  I knew I was feeling so dark that to end my life seemed like a better option than simply living it.  People around me, those that loved me, and had stuck with me, knew I was considering this.  They didn't leave me much room to hurt myself.  But room I found.  If someone is in so much pain they want to die, they are going to find a way to try.  The pain of Mental Illness can be unbearable.  Had I been left alone even an hour longer than I was, I wouldn't be here today.  I talked about being sick and it saved my life.  I got lucky because I talked.  Many are not this lucky.  

Please understand that I am not saying that knowing someone is suicidal will save their life.  But it might.  Certainly knowing someone is suicidal gives them a better chance at survival than silence does.  Often times, there is nothing we can do.  We cannot assume responsibility for another person's life or death.  Mental Illness is a disease.  Until they find a cure for all the various forms of this disease people are agonizingly going to suffer.  People are going to die.  If they do maybe, just maybe, some small part of your heart can find a shred of comfort in knowing that you gave that someone a shoulder, a sympathetic ear, love and compassion.  It's all anyone dying of disease could ask for. 

I know people who have died from suicide and those loved ones left behind will not admit that is how they died.  There is shame surrounding suicidal death.  The fact is, disease took a life.  I think people feel if they admit their loved one took their own life they are somehow admitting they failed them.  They feel responsible.  How did they not stop this?  Perhaps if we all talked more openly about Mental Illness and suicides (suicide attempts like mine) then people could live life with less suffering?  Both those stricken with the disease and those left behind.

Too many mentally ill people are suffering in silence, alone.  As are the families left behind in the wake of this disease. 

Admit to your suffering.  Awareness is key.

I got lucky because I talked.  Someone was listening.

I tried to kill myself and I am grateful I didn't succeed. 


Wednesday, June 3, 2015


What is the difference between a flower and a weed? 

Only your perception of it.  The judgement YOU place upon the flower/weed. 

It's all in the eye of the beholder.

Judgement is a very hot topic in Mental Health these days.  Many of the go to therapies right now advocate for mindfulness of ones thoughts and judgements.  The thinking is that if you are mindful of your thoughts and judgements then those thoughts will eventually have much less impact.  Positive or negative, they will not be attached to such emotional upheaval. 

Being aware of the negative talk and judgement in our minds allows a person suffering with Mental Illness to identify how they might be causing themselves harm.  When people struggle with depression their thoughts are inevitably negative.  They find the negative in every day things.  They are expressive in a mostly negative manner.  And their thoughts are all negative, especially when directed at themselves.  It's part of the illness.  They are in such a dark place they see only darkness.  Seeing only darkness makes things seem....darker.  It's a vicious cycle. 

Mindfulness therapy asks you to be being aware of your thoughts, especially negative self talk.  It doesn't ask you to try to change the thoughts, from negative to positive.  That takes an immense amount of energy and strength most struggling with mental illness do not have, or cannot find.  Often times a person cannot even comprehend that.  The process asks that you just be aware of your thoughts and how they make you feel.  You ride out that thought process and the attached feelings.  Your simple awareness of your own thinking will become so automatic that each time it will have less and less an impact on how you feel.  Of course the hope is perhaps you will stop having the negative thoughts altogether once you become infinitely aware of them and how they affect you. 

Trying to just alter your thinking without an awareness of it would be unto itself, a mindless task.  Until I am aware of what I am actually doing, I cannot undo it.  I am not there yet, but I becoming aware of my negative self talk and how it makes me feel.  I negatively judge myself constantly which makes me feel very badly about myself.  I struggle with self love. 

Just so we are clear, I hate the expression "self love".  I always think I am some how saying I struggle with masturbation.  Which is clearly none of your business.

Often times in group therapy I will hear people ask, "when is it an opinion and when is it judgement?"

I do not like Coconut.

Coconut tastes like crap.

One is my opinion.  One is my passing judgement onto the poor coconut.

If I think someone is doing something stupid, that makes it my opinion of what they are doing.  It does not make them stupid.  It's a very fine line I like to cross often. 

But one I am trying to be aware of doing to myself....far too much.