DBPW Day 92 ...about me?

I had my first call today with the Psychiatric Center I will EVENTUALLY be going to for a good month or so as soon as a bed opens.  I am officially on the waiting list for a private room for the Comprehensive Psychiatric Care Program.  As many of you know I have been having some really bad Bi Polar lows for the past few months and it's time we get them under control before I hurt myself which is no answer.  I am smart enough to know when I need help.  I have held off for too long now.  It's time. 

I have asked for a private room at the center, well, because I know myself.  I will either shut down because I don't have privacy or lose it because the person clicks a pen one too many times and I will just up and leave.  Trust me it wouldn't be the first time.  See this past weekend where due to one little bout of throwing up and diarrhea I up and left a course I have been really looking forward too.  It was a two day course, I could have gone to day 2.  Okay, granted I was actually ill day 1 but I was also very annoyed that the course wasn't what I expected off the bat.  I set myself up to be sick that day whether it was physical or not, it was going to be one way or another that I would leave.  I can see that now.

Don't get me wrong I am VERY proud I went across the country, alone to do this after these difficult months.  That's an accomplishment! 

The only other option that could come from me having a room mate during this treatment time is that I would spend the time fixing the room mate so they left whole and perfectly ready to take on the world while I ignored my own problems.  I had to explain all this to the admissions person today.  I had to explain I was my father's daughter.  It's my Dad's exact protocol, analyze those around you is easier than self examination.  And I know I do this.  

Don't get me wrong, I get great joy from helping others.  In some courses I have taken I have been told that I am of great worth to others breakthroughs and "aha" moments.  That I have courage and help others  that may not be as strong around me with my honesty.  I have learned a lot during those courses I have,.  I have gotten a greater self esteem as well. Sometimes, however, I wonder if the "big breakthrough" has never happened where I have looked at myself and said, "wow I love me" because I allowed myself to give so much to others.  Sure I got superficial self esteem, from others in return for my giving but this needs to come from inside me.  I need to make this in myself.   I need to find self love.  A lot more than I have.

I know once this happens.  Once I find a place inside me that comes from great love and strength I will take over this world.  Watch out people, I am coming!  But this can only happen with a great deal of work on me, from me, about me. I can't do any of this until I learn how to cope with the lows without medication as the immediate go to.  I need to learn coping tools to get me through the lows so they aren't so interrupting of my greatness. 

Did that sound self absorbed and egotistical? 

Phew, good, I am on my way. 

 

Well, hey there gorgeous, we're almost there.  Won't be long now.