Monday, June 2, 2014

DBPW Day 120 - The end of a diary

182 Posts. 

That's how many posts I have made since I opened this blog in 2013. 

120 are Diary posts.

That's a whole lotta posts.

As I mentioned before, I am not leaving, I am not going anywhere.  I am just opting out of keeping an online diary when I have 120 posts with well over 100,000 words already.  That's a book.  And because I have written for 4 months straight you've seen me along highs and lows.  I am tired of writing about lows.  I am just departing one right now and I made the decision to stop writing about them two days ago.  When amidst a low writing about it made me really unstable.  Very unstable. 

I cannot begin to explain in simple words what these lows are like.  They've only gotten worse to be honest so we are dropping the last drug they added to me this past year.  We are weaning off it now.  I have been low for anywhere from 2-5 days over the following periods of time:

Wednesday March 19th
Monday April 8th
Saturday April 17th
Saturday May 10th
Wednesday May 28th 

That's basically the entire last three months.  That's not cool doctors, not cool.  When I asked my psychiatrist about this he just said, "increase the dose".  What should have been said is "maybe you are one of the few that adversely reacts".  I am pretty sure they say "stop taking so and so drug immediately if you experience abnormal thoughts of suicide".  I would say months of thoughts of suicide are abnormal alright.

Now that I am feeling somewhat better I can talk about this without it becoming a national incident which is how the last week was.  Sobbing and why's.  Lots of sobbing and why's.  There was no seeing value in anything.  I know you want to tell me to look outside at my beautiful view and enjoy it.  Or look at my husband and beautiful children.  Perhaps the fact I don't have to work, I can focus on just me and many don't have the time or luxury of that.  None of it would have made a difference to me as much as I would have loved it too.  I could see nothing, nothing at all but darkness.  It was without a doubt, the worst experience of my life the last week. 

I just wrote to someone "we need to appreciate just being alive and love those around us".  I said that because a mutual friend of ours, our age, passed away suddenly.  The causes, unimportant.  He's gone and he no longer gets to appreciate his family or his family appreciate him, right here, in the now.  I can see that now, thank god.  A week ago, no.  I honestly would have wondered why it wasn't me instead and thought that part of it unfair.  That's how dark a place I was.  It's a horrific thought not to see what a tragic loss human life is.  That's where I was a few days ago. 

Because I am ending the diary I wanted to make a point to say to people, I am still here.  I know what this disease is like.  I know what depression is like.  I know what it's like to look at the sun and not be able to appreciate it.  I am here.  If anyone ever finds themselves needing an ear that will just listen, I am, I can be, that ear.  I would love to do that for other people now that I am out of my own hole.  My rabbit hole of darkness. 

For now, I am just going to enjoy the ability to see straight.  To enjoy the simple things like a perfect cup of tea. And the important things like my husband, my kids and the puppy.

God bless (and this girl ain't religious) the little and big things in life.  Life is too short to do
anything less. 

Sunday, June 1, 2014

DBPW Day 119 - The Diary end is near

I just wanted to let you all know, I am thinking I will actually stop writing this Diary on Day 120.  I am not going to stop writing, by any means, but I am going to stop the daily journaling.  120 days is 4 months of my life.  That's a lot of living. 

I don't always want to be writing when I go through these Bi Polar lows and I've gone through at least three since I started journaling to you all.  I don't want to be talking about these lows for days on end.  Talking about them doesn't do anything to help me, it almost makes the impact of them as I write, harder.  I might be helping someone else and I know that.  I won't stop doing that.  I will write about lows again, but I don't want to be committed to writing through each, and every day.  I will continue to post about things I care about, funny, sad or otherwise.

Right now we are adjusting my meds and I could be low for a week or more.  I can't see myself being able to write about this for that long.  I can't see this not becoming considered gratuitous whining and complaining.  I don't want that for me or for you.  There's a small chance I could end up in an Emergent situation where I am hospitalized during a low.  It's hard to write from a straight jacket.  LOL (Sad but true I can only assume, I've never tried.  Sounds trickier than I am).  

I have more than enough highs and lows in here to get a book from it.  I need to add to it to make it less diary and more learning and teaching.  But I am ready for that, ready to move forward.

I hope that I have helped people writing this way.  I hope there are souls out there that now know they are not alone in this battle, there are more of us out here suffering too.  But if I can stay strong, so can you.  I hope you know that.  Even for those of you that suffer low days, nothing to do with Bi Polar or even suffering from depression, just a down day.  I hope you know, you can always know I have experienced something similar to what you are feeling.  I am still here, so can you be.

So you have me for 1 more day.  And then....I am sure I will write another post that very next day. 

Today has been mostly about me remembering that I have nothing to feel anxious about.  Nothing that should make my chest feel a flutter.  Happiness is only a thought right so I am going to think it.

Just keep learning, just keep learning.