Wednesday, January 25, 2017

BPD and #BellLetsTalk day

Per Wikipedia; Borderline personality disorder (BPD), also known as emotionally unstable personality disorder, is a long-term pattern of abnormal behavior characterized by unstable relationships with other people, unstable sense of self, and unstable emotions. There is often an extreme fear of abandonment, frequent dangerous behavior, a feeling of emptiness, and self-harm. Symptoms may be brought on by seemingly normal events. The behavior typically begins by early adulthood, and occurs across a variety of situations. Substance abuse, depression, and eating disorders are commonly associated with BPD. BPD increases the risk of self-harm and 10% of people affected die by suicide.

I have BPD. They are not sure whether I have Bi-Polar disorder as well or if my intense and rapid mood swings are solely reactionary. With BPD comes a great deal of anxiety which appears in the form of panic attacks. These can happen because of something big like a social engagement or something as little as going to the grocery store. Sometimes I just get a dizzy spell and shortness of breath. My hands become unsteady, they shake uncontrollably. My mind fogs and my words become hard to find. And almost always there are hives. All of this can be followed by a wave of stomach upset much like the flu. Eating disorders are common for people with BPD. For me it's compulsive binge eating which I like to balance with restrictive eating on the days I am anxious. And finally there are the addictive personality traits. Please refer back to the aforementioned binge eating issues. I've been known to spend money uncontrollably, especially if money is tight and it's making me uneasy. There is little common sense to impulse control issues. I don't drink alcohol because I can't have one drink, it must be 12. There truly aren't enough pharmaceuticals in the world to satiate my appetite for them, and I've slept with more people than most people know. 

I left my career in 2007. I found myself hating my job, hating myself and everyone around me including my partner. I was stressed out and my emotions didn't add up. I wasn't just angry all the time anymore, I was anxious and depressed, then I’d be manic for days. I wasn't sleeping. I couldn't focus. I had no idea what was happening to me. It just slowly crept up on me. It took years for me to be properly diagnosed and medicated. As I was trying to get a handle on life, life was going on without me, all around me. Life stressors didn't stop. Life didn't stop. People left my world either by my pushing them away or their exhaustion in trying to keep up with my ever evolving moods. And that’s all I could think about, that life was going on without me, everyone was going on without me. 

In 2014, I couldn't recognize myself anymore. All I could think about was why I was alive? What was the point of it all, all the pain? The thoughts never let up. I attempted suicide then checked myself into a private hospital for 60 days. My new life began the day I almost died. 

I've come to realize that my mind will torture itself all day, every day, if I let it. If I don't use skills every waking minute of each day, then I will be miserable. If I choose instead to distract myself all day long, then I will become manic and uncontrollable. I will go and go until my mind is exhausted and my body in pain. I will actually harm myself with my inability to find the balance between living life rather than distracting my way through it. The drop in mood I experience from the mania of distraction back into my own thoughts is so dramatic it takes my breath away. It makes me want to end my life because I go from a severe high to low, incredibly fast. When I have a simple mood swing with this disorder again, it feels so big, it’s overwhelming and all encompassing. In those moments I feel like I will never recover. Now I know that sounds dramatic but that is this disease, it’s dramatic. 

I now know that I have to find the joy in every little thing I do. I must be mindful of the moment and reap the full rewards of it for the next second I could become inconsolable over almost nothing. I have to give myself credit for the bad days when I manage to get out of bed and function at all. I have finally come to terms with the loss of my old life. I have a mental illness. I am neither ashamed or defeated. I am a work in progress. My progress is I am still here, talking to you.


Saturday, January 21, 2017

Because It Has To

My husband said worriedly to me today, "Honey, maybe I am being insensitive, but why are you so upset?  How does this election have anything to do with you babe?"  

And my reply, "it has to.  It has to have something to do with me or I am pretending it's not happening and that doesn't help one woman needing a cancer check up but can't get one because Trump and Pence only see an abortion clinic.  I am so happy that I am privileged enough that it doesn't affect me directly but I am so sad and scared for those it does affect.  I am overwhelmed by the feeling that things are going to get very dark for women, gays, and anyone having a different religion than them.  Imagine for one second being an American, born and raised, with darker skin, who is a Muslim?  They must be so scared?  Only because they look different. Only because they go to a different church than Pence does.  I am sad because I've said shit in the past that has been racist and cruel and seeing this makes me feel like I contributed to what's happening.  Fuck, I guess I did.  Then here in Canada, we are going to end up bankrupt by our government and the incoming choices to change that is our reality TV version of Trump, or the reincarnate of hitler in female form.  My head is just spinning.  I was already worried about my dog dying soon, and now I've got to start worrying about women, gays and human alike losing their rights.  All of this shit is keeping me up at night".  

And I sobbed.

This women's march today moved me.  I am so amazed by the strength and power of women.  I don't condone rioting.  I have never understood trying to make a point by burning your neighbourhood to the ground.  But man, do I approve of protests and marches like we saw today.  I believe everyone has a right to send a message in a safe, non-violent manner.  I absolutely detest people who use protests as a cover up to cause harm, damage, and steal.  Those are criminals, not protestors.  Do not label them the same.  That's not fair.  I am so grateful to every single person who gathered today to march in the name of equality for all.  I only wish to hell they had of rallied this way and taken the electoral vote along with the majority vote.  If, for no other reason, than Planned Parenthood and the 2.5 million women who used their services for everything medical, not limited to terminations of pregnancies.  

I am not even an American.  I am Canadian.  I am neither left nor right.  I am very much, in the middle. 

The lefty political part of my brain tells me that we need to take care of those who are less fortunate than we are.  The right part says that must be done economically.  There has to be a balance between doing the right thing and being financially smart about it.  Perhaps that's wishful thinking?  

My entire brain believes that I am the only person who should have a say in what happens in, or to my body.  I don't believe there should be any limitations, restrictions or guidelines on this.  My body, my choice.  

I believe the LGBTQ community must have the same rights that I have.  They are human beings.  Sexuality has nothing to do with equality.  The end.  

I believe every single person on the planet has the right to choose their religion, faith, spirituality, or lack thereof.  I don't care if you worship at the alter of cow paddies.   If you find comfort in that, if it gives you peace, then have at it.  So long as what you find comfort in does not also give you an excuse to hate.

I believe that countries are built on the backs of immigrants and we need to remember that especially in times of war.  I don't think human beings should die in another country because there is a homeless person on my street.  I think we can figure out how to do both and one shouldn't negate the other's importance.  

I believe we need to respect law enforcement and I believe that with respect comes power and that power should never be abused.  I also don't believe every black person is a criminal any more than I believe every cop is a racist pig.

I believe in many ways (think childbirth) that women are stronger than men.  I think because the wisest of minds think from both an emotional and intellectual place that women are probably inherently smarter than men.  Either way, we just need be considered equal to, not less than.  

I don't believe anyone has a right to grab my pussy unless I say the words, "grab my pussy".  See how that works?

I think this women's march, this powerful movement that happened today was amazing.  I don't think this was about whining Liberals.  I think this was about human beings very clearly saying, "you will NOT fuck with us or the rights of anyone we care about".  I am sad there has to be a movement to remind those in power of this.  

I don't believe Donald Trump is a smart man or a nice man, and I think you need to be both to be President.  It scares me that people don't see this.  I am astounded that people can't tell by his use of the English language alone, that he is not very bright.  "Very very" is not proper English.  Ever ever.  

Being rich does not make someone smart enough to run a country.  Just today Donald Trump hinted that maybe the USA would get a "second chance" to "take the oil" from Iraq. Uhhhmmm Mr. President, you know Iraq can hear you right?   I thought he was going to pull the oil, every ounce of it, from every conceivable part of the states?  I thought he was going to make sure the USA had no need to rely on foreign resources?  I thought he was going to put every oil worker back to work in the USA?  I thought he was against the war in Iraq?  All of this, concerns me, a lot.  

I've shaken my head so much in the last couple of months I think I've permanently damaged my neck.  

I am so very tired of talking about politics and Donald Trump.  I don't actually want to talk about this.  I don't want to cry when I watch the news because I am both frightened and so fucking frustrated my head feels like it might explode.  I would prefer instead to bury my head in the sand and pretend this isn't happening.  I don't want to accept that people I care about actually voted for this man.  I cannot pretend that I think this is okay.  

It's tough sometimes to be heard because those who don't agree often insult instead of listen.  We prepare to defend ourselves in our mind instead of just listening to the opposing side of an argument.  We are not hearing each other any more, at all.  We are just lashing out, back and forth.  And that's on both sides of the fence.  When Donald Trump says "I'd like to punch him" and Robert Deniro replies with, "I'd like to punch you", nothing is accomplished.  Madonna saying, "fuck you", or "I'd like to blow up the White House but I won't", does nothing but get the opposing side up in arms, literally.  This is why none of them should be President.  You must think before you speak in any leadership role.   Raw emotional reactionary behaviour like this from either side, is not okay.  A President lashing out on Twitter is not okay.  I feel like life has become a schoolyard and the bully is in charge and people are scared.  Scared kids tend too lash out, even become bullies themselves.  We can't let this happen.  

All of this might be upsetting, but it's real, it's happening.  Hiding from the truth doesn't make the truth any less factual.  Turning off your TV doesn't change the news.  Pretending all is right with the world does not actually make it so.  If you want things to be right, you need to right them.  The only way to ensure you get what you want, what you expect, what you deserve, is to ask for what you want.  You need to tell the person in charge what your expectations are and to make it clear what you believe you deserve.  

Thank you to every single person who marched peacefully today to say to those in power, "we will not standby and lose a single right we fought for yesterday.  And you will be held accountable if we do".  

Yours sincerely,

Nasty Woman...I guess?


Monday, January 9, 2017

The Golden Globe Fashion Review

Several things need to be made clear before you read this and they are;

I am considered "plus sized" by fashion industry standards.
I have no idea what "fashion industry standards" means.
I would have to say the vibe I give off fashion wise would be a homeless vibe.   
I own Louboutins but they are flats.  Apparently that says a ton about me according to my 15 year old step daughter and the woman who rang up the purchase at the store. 
I am confident all my makeup would test up there with ebola in the bacteria growth scale due to age.
I haven't showered since yesterday.
I am unemployed.  I am not homeless though really.  I have a house.  I am not typing this in Starbucks on some else's laptop.   
I would be rated as "loony" on the DSM scale (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual for Mental Disorders).
I can admit that and it doesn't offend me.
I am 46 and that's obvious when you count the rings under my eyes.  Again, I am not offended when I say that.

It's pretty clear from all the above that I couldn't be more qualified to talk about thin people in designer clothes who make millions of dollars to look good and pretend they are someone else.

All of my commentary is in good fun and just my humble opinion.  I will be picking on people and for that I will be going to hell.  I've asked for a private room so I am okay with it.  My husbands ex already calls me the "spawn of satan" so really, I am prepared to go where I need to go.

With my disclaimer in place I present to you my take on the Golden Globe fashions.

Amy Adams.  I really love the black almost brown or steel colour, depending on the light but the neckline is annoying.  When she moved it didn't.  But the girl is beautiful and knows how to wear it.  

I have nothing.  How could I have anything?  I am not sure which one of them I want more, him, her or her brackets   Or maybe just her bracelets, or all of them, or....I am so confused.  

I am not sure about the pockets but I know why she did it.  It's perfect definition for a gal who just had a baby.  Yeah she did.  So annoying I know.  She is perfection when I look past the pockets, that I completely understand, yet can't decide if I am okay with.

I love Drew.  I love this dress.  Older gals shouldn't do a dark eye I have been realizing.  You know, because I wear makeup every day.  I think she looks older and I think it's the eye makeup.

Better lighting makes a girl look better.  It's why I am forever running around trying to get away from harsh lightbulbs.  I am exhausted.  

Because the back part wasn't annoying enough I present to you the front part.  This is Emily and she is a model turned actress.  I'd hate her out of pure jealousy if she wasn't a very vocal Planned Parenthood advocate.  What's to hate about that?  She supports the vagina and all it's attachments.  Word.  Me too.  

No Felicity.  No.  Go home and take off Grandma's dress.  

The King and Queen of long term relationships in Hollywood.  Look at her!  She is 71.

On the zoom in you can see my argument to lighter on the eyes.  Her eyes are so blue, they don't need the emphasis either way.  Her face looks a little puffy and tight, a little too puffy and tight BUT she's 71!  If I can look like this at.....well now, at 46, I'd be happy.  

It's funny how lighting and angles from each news outlet can be so different.  No matter the lighting I LOVE this look and think Moore slayed the red carpet.  I think Ryan Adams (her ex) might be eating ice cream from the tub and regretting not putting the garbage out.  She glowed.  

This dress kept making you think she was just skin underneath it.  Just this underlying sexiness that the deep V neckline only emphasized.  Loved it.


Not to be nit picky but if you saw her interviewed you would have noted, or not, (please refer to my "loony" description of myself) that her earrings were extremely heavy.  Diamonds are rocks.  Rocks are heavy.  Those rocks are HUGE.  You can't see it here but her lobes were really pulling, stretched out.  It creeped me out.  When I mentioned it to my husband he said, "she has ears?"

This is Us is a must see show if you haven't watched it.  It just grabs you in the feels.

Too much.  Too much eye.  Hair too much.  Too dark a lip.  With all the dress has going on everything else should have been tamed the hell down.  This gives me a headache.

I can't decide on the dress.  The picture below represents the colour better, almost a mustard yellow.  So I wasn't sure.  But she, come on, she is stunning, just stunning.  I think she could have done much better with her hair.  It was a puffy yet severe look.  Very 60s, very Jackie O-ish.  Which of course would be the point with her nomination and all but it was too much for such a bold colour.  I think it would have been much better softer.  It made her forehead look big.

She's young, she's a princess.  The end.  

I am all about the sequins.  Regina's neckline here just looks better than the neckline on Amy Adams' dress.  Hers was too harsh.  It flattened her out and didn't look good when she moved.  This one flatters Regina's curves.  Flatter not flatten please ladies.

I can't imagine how it would feel to walk the red carpet amongst some of these women being my size.  To see this big beautiful girl walk the carpet was pretty amazing.  I loved it when Gabby did it and I love it today as much.  Girls of all sizes deserve the runway and red carpets of the world.  

If you haven't seen the show This is Us then you won't know who this gal is.  She is one of the main characters in the show and her story is getting flack because it's stereotypical.  She is a fat girl obsessed with her weight and wanting to lose it.  But that storyline ladies and gents is a storyline many women, and men, can relate to.  Never before has it been represented on TV in anything other than a reality TV show about losing the weight.  It's never been a character on a scripted network TV show.  Her name is Chrissy Metz and playing this character, putting yourself out there unapologetically like this impresses the shit out of me.  

I love the colour of this dress, I love the jewels at the waist to add some definition and the neckline to draw your eye to her beautiful face.  I think the waistline jewel could have been smaller, not quite as long, which would have done more to make her hips look more defined.  But maybe she didn't want that.  Maybe her stylist said, "embrace this shit" and to that I say, "Amen".  

Sorry I don't know how a naked person got on here.  Seriously is she there or not there.  It's like she's a ghost.  Can you see me now?  How about now?  Imagine this dress in a stone colour.

Tracee you're quirky and I think I like it.  Short sheath dress flirting those legs off is great.  But the Terminator dedication via your fingers overkills the entire look.  Fail gurl, fail.    

I like football.  

Love both their looks.  Her dress colour and that purse.  His suit colour.  But I hate fucking sunglasses like this.  He wears them all the time in interviews as well.  He either needs to come out and announce he has retina issues or take them the fuck off.

The pants are ill fitting.  It's not about weight.  Imagine the bottom of this suit being a skirt with a high slit, even at the back, and a bold coloured shoe.  

Gorgeous but she can afford to have her hair done and should have.

Grandma called she wants her curtain back.  I want to say I hate the choker too but I don't think I do.  I think it reminds us how young she actually is.  

And Kristen Bell takes the lead over Mandy Moore's cleavage.  I love this girl.  She's hilarious and sweet, and drop dead gorg'.  Her and Dax Sheppard in the Samsung commercials are the best.  

I love Kathryn Hahn.  She is the foremost reason to watch the movie Bad Moms.  The characters she plays are always hilarious. I like the suit, even the bra, but that hair should have been up, and those bangs grown out.

I have to say that I love this.  I love the blue, the floral, her face, her hair, the necklace and she definitely takes the best boob award.  While the plunging necklines of both Kristen Bell and Mandy Moore were ah-mazing, these things are like pretty little globes in their own right and this dress is the perfect display case for them. 

It's not easy to look this elegant with them things!!!  Bravo girl.  

And then I find this picture.  This shoe is the stupidest thing I've seen in a long time.  How short is she?  Nope.  She just failed in my opinion.  That's ridiculous.    All the class in her outfit derailed.  

Sophie Turner is edgy.  This dress is edgy.  I think I am okay with it.  Again, her hair could have been in a high pony which would have better suited the edgy dress I think.  

Speaking of quirky.  Love Janelle.  This whole outfit perfectly suits her.  I am not okay with the lice in the hair look but the rest of it, so her.  

Don't know who this is.  Someone needs to talk to her about her decision making skills.  Boring.

If I had to guess I would say this is another Louis Vuitton dress.  I love this girl, I love her face, her hair.  I am just not sure on the El Machina look.  I am not good with the high fashion haute couture stuff.  I am just a housewife.  

Little bird. 

Get it?

You are not over 40.  Come on, live a little. 

It's a pantsuit and I kinda love it.  And her.  

I don't know who this is but I am sure she is not actually the mermaid she thinks she is.  

The stick em note reminding her to tan up the boobs must have been lost.

This is what happens kids when you play with fillers.  Sad.  

Howard Wolowitz, who knew?  I know one thing, no socks in a tux is wrong and you shouldn't hold your mother that way.  

She's so beautiful.  The face, the hair, the lips.....and then haute couture threw up on her.  

And the award for the most consistently awkward posing goes to.  The colour totally washes her out and something about the booby holders screams "look, I have little booby holders in my dress".  Don't like it at all. 

"I am a Columbian Queen" and then defense rests.  

She's one injection away from making her smile the Joker's. 

Kind of perfect.  Her waist is the size of my thigh.  I ate some chips in her honour.  

Sienna is a quirky little fashionista too.  She said when being interviewed that she had to hold in her tummy.  Relate girl.  I can relate.  On a totally different scale but sure, I get ya.  

FINALLY!!!!  Fucking finally I can say I thought Guiliana looked beautiful.  She is so tiny.  She needed this full skirt and a high neck to accentuate her beauty.  It's perfect and I like it.  

Not sure who this is but the hooker would like her dress back for the midnight walk about.  Too far?

Awww Nancy, no.  

I really love this dress.  Not sure about the "I can't be bothered hair" but I love this dress and her makeup.  

Nailed it, as per the use.

If the purse and her lips were red I'd be better sold.  

I love him.  I love the suit.  I can't sleep with him in my dreams with the 'stache but I still love him.  He said on the red carpet, "if my character can make people be better men, better fathers, then that's great.  I hope it does".  *sigh*  Maybe tonight I will have him shave first.

Oh honey, Audrey is gone and this isn't the place to play dress up that way.  

Well they are pretty I can say that.  I am not sure I like the dress or not.  It suits her though and now that she's stopped freezing her face she looks lovely.  

Speaking of frozen faces.  Kelly's grin hasn't changed since she married him.  It's a little reminiscent of Kellyanne Conway.  "What the fuck have I done?  When will this end?  Help me, I am being kept against my will.  I didn't know."

Travolta caught on camera at the gym last year.  Hmmmmmm.

I should find a better picture of Miss Underwood without the thing down the side but either picture is going to have the same comment, "I am sorry Pepto Bismol vomited all over you". Not a fan of the dress.   She's so pretty.  She could have done so much better.  She said she picked the dress out the night before and I said to the TV, "see what happens when you leave things to the last minute?"

I think this is the girl from Grey's Anatomy, I am not sure.  What I am sure of is you shouldn't wear your bra under a strapless dress.  

I love Busy Phillips.  Michelle Williams best friend who accompanies her to all the award shows while praying she will be noticed and hired to do something other than half hour sitcoms.  I think I love this dress, purse and all her sunniness.  

Crushed it Reese.  Va Va Voom.  

SWEARING!!!  You've been warned.  I fucking love this colour.  I love this on her against her ebony skin.  This makes me happier than being presented with a butter tart.  NAILED IT!  She looks perfect.  Pure joy.   

She's so beautiful and so talented and I hate everything about her outfit.  He's done alright.  His face bugs me but what can ya do?

I like this on her.  I like the shorter do.  I am a fan.  Way to show dem' gams off gurl.  Next time let's Michelle Williams ya up with some statement lips k?

Pee Wee Herman called.  

Pregnant wife or daughter.  You can get the chills and look that one up yourself.  *shiver*

KICKED IT OUT OF THE PARK for little girls and boys everywhere.  Evan Rachel Wood just keep doing what you are doing and being you.  

I like em both.

You won't be a virgin for long in this dress missy.  Loved it.  The sequins were all like little strings hanging off her.  Like icicles.  

Gawd.  Bleck.  

No socks no service.  

Seriously, Mel Gibson called.  

So young.  So pretty.  

This is how we do it baby.

Noisy dress, everything else quiet.  Take notes Olivia Culpo, notes.  

Donald Glover.  Only man who could pull this fucking look off.  I love it.  

To compete with Ryan and Blake, Justin and Jessica, we have Chris and Elsa.  Sigh.  I know you are staring into her nether region area.  That's why he looks so pissed off.  

Nope.  Too thin for this look.  Too harsh in the hair and makeup department for her age.  I love her, don't like anything about this.  

Once a bond girl now an Italian mother in mourning.  

Winona only your show is set in the 80s, only your show.  It's called acting.  

Yeah that's right, she's fucking pregnant.  *sigh*

67!  67!  I have nothing bad to say, nothing.  Zero.  Zilch.

I love it.  I hate it.  I need to throw water on it.  I don't know.  

Elvis is in the building ladies and gents.  She's so lovely.  And her acting chops on her new show.  Phenomenal.

"High on a hill was a lonely goatherd......" *sings*

"Lay ee odl lay ee odl lay hee hoo"

Sylvester Stallone's daughters.  Go ahead, date one, I dare ya.  

Love it, hate it.  Same way I feel about her too.  It's on, it's off.  I think I really like it, and her, right now.  

See, really liked her here.  Who sits on the red carpet.  Someone confident and unassuming does that's who.  And I like that.  Show me your stretch marks girl and I will show you mine.  

Beautiful people, the beautiful people.  Look at her arms.  She has the best arms in Hollywood, rivalled only in the USA by FLOTUS.  

I love hate the dress.  I love it for her, on her.  I would hate it on me, or anyone else.  

And finally, sneaking into first place as the sexiest duo of the night, Marco and Zoe.  She is without a doubt the only woman who could pull off this dress with the success that she did. The only woman. I love this dress ONLY because it's on her.  Anyone else trying it would have failed.

There ya go peeps, my take on things I know NOTHING about.  You're welcome.  Perhaps tomorrow I will do an after party fashion review in my jammies.