Tuesday, November 3, 2015

Borderline Personality Disorder and Me. I mean I, it and I. I mean me. Damn it.

I was doing some reading today on Borderline Personality Disorder ("BPD") which lead me to a You Tube documentary which took my breath away.  Not because it was artful but because it was me.  These people were me.  They were talking about me, and to me.  And they were talking to you as my friend or family.  As someone who knows me, and tries very hard to stay by my side and love me, they were talking to you. 

It's hard to explain what BPD is.  I try by saying, "I don't know what emotion should be where and when.  And that makes my behaviours hard to accept as a result.  I do things that may not seem logical in the moment because I don't know what to do with the emotion I feel.  It's because I was born over sensitive and things happened, life happened.  I stopped feeling what was normal in situations to protect my sensitive self, to protect me from hurt."  It's also genetics.  A pre-disposition to the disease in general but also under, and over, development of parts of my brain that differ from yours.  I am sure you've found yourself thinking, "she thinks awfully different than I do".  And I do.

As I watched the video I found myself writing down the thoughts I have that might differ from yours in the manner they actually presented themselves.  Examples of my thinking or what I think yours might be during one of my BPD episodes.  Maybe I was just thinking about you and something that happened between us.  Perhaps this will help you better understand me.  Maybe you can see how overwhelming the brain can be for a patient with BPD.  Some of the things below were said in the video and I could relate to, many were my own interpretations or thoughts.  

Trigger warning here.  Some of the things I wrote may upset you or even trigger you.

Borderline Personality patients are often compared to burn victims. Their emotions are like raw skin. If you poke them their reaction is so severe because they are already in so much pain. It's incomprehensible pain.

If there is no logic, I cannot process it. I have little emotional intelligence.

I laugh so big when you are happy because I feel your happiness.

I cry when you are sad because I am sad for you.

If you hurt, I hurt. I actually feel what you feel, perhaps even more so because I can't regulate my feelings. This makes me a narcissist in the minds of many. "It's not about you" they've said. 

Now imagine feeling the pain of someone else and not knowing how to process that, and then being told your a selfish ass for feeling it at all?

Don't hug her, she's feeling something and doesn't know what to do with it.

She's like a rabid animal when's she's angry.

Manipulative? It may appear so. Desperation. Is what it actually is.

I do not know how to exist without you. Even though we only just met.

I exist because you make me want to. When you leave me, I no longer see a reason to exist.

I hate you. Don't ever leave me please.

How can you be happy and angry at the exact same time?

You had everything. You were so together. Top of your game. What happened to you?  If only you saw me in the fetal position when I was left alone.

You're dramatic. I am.

I feel more than you can ever imagine. I don't express one eighth of what I feel.

That's drama.

I am worthless. Don't you dare make me feel more worthless.

Today is the greatest day I've ever had. Imagine the drop from that height. I feel that daily.

I drink to numb. I do drugs to numb. Then I have sex to be loved, while I am numb. Why doesn't this work?

I harm myself to feel anything.

I try to end my life to feel nothing.

I eat to feel pleasure but it causes me pain, so I eat to feel pleasure again, which causes me pain.

That stuffed toy I gave you seemed like nothing to you, it meant the entire world to me. I let you see the softer me. 

That stuffed toy you gave me is sacred. Until I get mad and throw it away. Then I have to rescue in desperation to save it because I abandoned it.

You liked her picture. You've never liked mine. You hate me. I hate you for hating me. Please love me. I shouldn't be here because you don't love me.

Please don't go.  Please love me. I can't believe I told you that.  I hate you for making me love. Come back, please. I beg of you. Thank god you're back. I hate this feeling of uncertainty. I can't trust you. Go away. No come back. I exist for you.

You see?  Desperation. Not manipulation.

I am not trying to get you to prove your love to me. I am trying to make myself believe you could actually love me.

Losing you is the hardest thing I have ever had to endure. I wish I hadn't pushed you away.

If you loved me, you would never have left me.

If I loved you or myself, I would never have forced you to go.

What is wrong with me?  Don't you feel this way?  Isn't this how you think?

I want to do wonderful things for everyone today. Why is this not making me wonderful?

I give to you so you will love me.

Everything I see is distorted.

Friend request sent. I Unfriend you.  Friend request sent. I Unfriend you.  Friend request sent. Unfriended. I understand why you no longer accept the request. I would no longer accept me either. 

It's a game you think. It's actually my mind. It's no game.

And when it's done to me. It's a potential hospitalization. It's not fair. There's no equality.  Trust me I know.

I am smart.  Don't argue with me. You think I am stupid. I am stupid.

When something doesn't work for you, you fix it.

When something doesn't work for me, I destroy it.

I will end you. Only because I will love you to death.

Get on with it. Smarten up. Shape up. They are just emotions.

Are you sure you aren't mad? Are you sure? How about now? Are you mad now? Do you love me still? Are you sure? Are you mad yet? You must be mad now? What do you mean you need space? Goodbye. I hate you. I hate me.

Come on. You can control this. I am worthless. Because I can't.

Telling you what I actually feel will make you leave me because I am crazy.

Your face changes and you become cold, visibly cold. It's frightening.  Do you love me in that moment?
No.  I actually don't.  It's like I am a different person inside in that moment.  I am not me.  I feel nothing for you.  Then I come back and I am scared to death you might leave.

Please don't worry.  I am safe.  I am working on my DBT skills today.  I will get through another day of this. There are things I am valuing more and more every day.  I am hoping to be the next thing I value most.  I just wanted to express this to you.  I wanted to share this for anyone else suffering from this disease.  I am changing.  It is getting better.  It's getting less dramatic in the ups and downs, the impact is lessening.  But I still have my moments.  Just ask the friend I've been begging to forgive me over nothing and the people I unfriended on Facebook the other night for nothing more than seemingly existing happily without me. 

We all have our good days and bad days don't we?

The documentary is "Back from the Edge" - Borderline Personality Disorder.

Thank you for being a friend.  xo