Monday, January 26, 2015

Screen Actor's Guild Awards 2015 - with Nicolle, in her jammies.

SAG-AFTRA is a union.  An actor can become a member if they are the principal actor in any SAG-AFTRA unionized movie or TV show.  You can become a "background member" by having an ass like a Kardashian.  Wait, no that's wrong.  I think it has something to do with being a background actor in a unionized movie or TV show where you are on set for 3 days.  Basically if you play a dead person on a TV show and you are dead for 3 days, you are a member.  How do I know this?  Because all they do in interviews on the SAG red carpet is ask, "How did you get your SAG card?"  And most actors say, "While filming a role on Law and Order".  I think LAO has given more SAG cards than Linsday Lohan has given excuses to avoid prison.
The SAG award show is different than most in that there is no host.  There is an off screen announcer and various presenters.  It was listed as a two hour show on my online TV Guide and it went for only two hours!  That was a nice change.  Admittedly I missed having a host.  In most cases, I like them.  I enjoy it when fancy privileged rich people (Amy and Tina's words, not mine), get roasted.
I prepared for my review of the show as I always do.  I ate chocolate.  And when the sugar high kicked in and became too much, I ate some salt products.  I am all about balancing my intake.  Once I felt like my consumption levels were one step away from being a therapy topic I sat back and got comfortable.  I quickly realized my track pants were a little snug.  I changed into my work clothes, my pajamas.  A girl has to be comfortable to do this kind of strenuous work.  I needed you to have my background and an idea of the preparation work that goes into these reviews.  So we are clear, I am an expert and you should not try this at home. 
Let's start with Maria Menounos.  What a beautiful girl. 
I am no brocade fan but this dress was beautiful and she styled herself to match perfectly.  I really do not like pockets in dresses unless the dress is very simply styled.  Perhaps structured with clean lines.  Elegance like this, brocade, does not a pocket work.  But the rest of this whole look, bang on.  I think her hip is broken in this picture but she still looks pretty. 
Social media was atwitter with the absence of our friendly neighborhood praying mantis, Giuliana Rancic.  I hope she was eating somewhere. 
Back to Miss Maria.  I have never, in my lifetime, watched someone fail so badly on camera as this girl did last night. 
Actually I have....
HAD TO.  It still cracks me up.
Last night Maria filled our minds with knowledge.  She impressed me with her uncanny ability to segue the conversation from one topic to the next.  And comfortably open her guests up, providing us with a glimpse into their souls.
For example;
"Oh, I don't know what to say now that you answered no to that question".  *blank stare*
"You're so chill about having to work like 90, hours a day".
"You have such a rockin' bod, you can pull off satin.  Most people can't".
"Tell me about the award shows, do you enjoy them?"
"Award shows are hard enough, does being pregnant make it harder?".
"Obviously nominated for...(blanks out and forgets she's at the SAG awards entirely)...and an Oscar.  Like Wow".
"You're amazing.  You also have a hot son".
"Homeland is huge on social media, but you are not".  (I am pretty sure she meant the show was all over social media but the actor was not but it came across as, "the show is popular, you are not")
"...and the tan is care of?"
And after sadly trying to make small talk she yells after a star, "oh you look stunning by the way".  (Perhaps forgetting altogether that she was in fact, there to review fashion).
Some of her best transition work from topic to topic were;
“Yeah, okay"
"Alright, welllllll"
"Like you..."
"Like I...."
"Like they...."
Rinse Repeat until your head implodes.
E! Network kept playing their disclaimer after the commercials, before they came back on air, and part of it read...."some content viewers might find offensive".  Yes, yes I did.  The entire time she was on camera and the sound was on, I found myself offended.  Poor thing.  Imagine being the stars.   Both Julianne Moore and Jennifer Aniston looked at her like she was slightly challenged when she asked them to do the "mani-cam".  A camera you put your hands in front of to show your manicure and jewels.  They both basically said, "NO WAY".  And the topic was over and Maria had no idea where to go with it.  It was painful to watch.
Now to the stars and fashion. I found last night to be the best of the red carpets thus far.  No one was too far over the top.  Not many were dressed like street walkers. 

Ross Mathews looked great.  Loved the gold jacket.  I just love him.  He makes me happy and that's not easy to do.  There should have been more of him, less of her.  In case you don't know who Ross is.  He became famous as "Ross The Intern" on Jay Leno.  Here is my favorite clip.

Crocodile Hunter meets Ross Mathews

The smile, the hair, the boobs.
And then the camera pans out to this ill fitting nightmare.  Girl.  Why you do me so wrong?
I really love the rust colour.  I think Sophia Bush is gorgeous.  But to me, she looks old.  Her hair and makeup against this dress just age her. Maybe it's the wrinkly mess that is the dress?

She's so pretty and such a great actress. But the belt.  Why the belt?  It looks like a belt from a army/navy surplus store. 

And then I ask you to check out the bubble beads on the dress.  She said, "mod".  I said ends in "d" but be "baD".
 I have zero bad things to say about this.  She and this, stunning. 

It's a purple doily.  I do not like this at all.  There's Haute Couture and there's Hot Mess.  The only kind thing I can say is she is fabulous pregnant because there is meat on her bones finally.  I still weighed more than this at birth but there appears to be hope that she is eating full meals now. 
Suited her perfectly.  Loved it.

The little bow belt is making a huge comeback and it's darling but this dress is too close to her skin colour.  She's completely washed out and the beige leather purse?  Come on grandma, NO! 

Oh god how I love thee.  Let me worship at your alter.  I love this dress and I loved her pantsuit at the Globes.  Her face and skin, wow. 

When asked about photo bombing a fan, she said that "sometimes you have to have fun with it".  She was having a romantic quiet dinner with her boyfriend, Andrew Garfield, and a woman tried to fake taking a selfie but was actually sneaking a picture of them.  When Maria asked how hard that was on Emma, how "awful" that must have been.  Emma said, "oh yeah, my life is just so hard".  Love her.

Did you know her name is actually Emily but there was already an Emily Stone in the SAG union so she had to change her name for work to Emma.  I, unlike, Maria, do my homework for you folks.

I love her as an actress.  Her brother even more.  (The Gyllenhaals in case you didn't know).  I am never overwhelmed by her fashion until last night.  You go girl. 

I really like the suit.  The beard, not "alright, alright, alright", at all.  Wannabe hipsters need to trim. 

Absolutely stunning.  I wonder if she plays bongos in the nude too?

When you are Meryl Streep this will do, just fine.

Further proof that Robin Thicke is a giant moron.  There's no blurred lines about it.
Modern Family indeed.  She is perfect in this.
And she would be too if her boobs weren't being suffocated.  There is only one Christina Hendricks girl and we've had enough of her boobs.

Do you think the designer just followed her around and when she said she was ready to get her groove on they snipped and cut to make the after party dress?  Love the shoes and purse with it.  I like matchy matchy sometimes.  She's just breathtaking. 
On stage presenting she read her lines alongside Jared Leto who when she was done said, "perfect" in his deep voice, all supportive like, with his long locks flowing over his shoulders.....oh sorry, my bad, where were we?
And then these shoes happened.  I can't unsee them. 
I get that playing a masculine character in a grimy down and dirty show like Game of Thrones makes a girl want to throw down on the red carpet does not "flapper"ize the hair in a dress like this.  Faux hawk that shit up ala Kelly Osbourne. 
The Beverly High School called they want their prom dress back.
"It's vintage Moschino".  It's a used dress girl.  That's all. 
Did you know his name is pronounced "Lee-Ev"?  Didn't know.  Now he bugs me more.
When speaking of Foxcatcher and Channing Tatum, Steve Carrell said they purposely didn't hang out during filming to be authentic to the characters.  To which is wife replies, "oh I did though, we went out for ice cream."  Steve replies, "now that's not cool".  "Don't worry", she says, "we were home by 730pm".  I can see why they are married.  It was great.
Wool in January, natch.  Wool in January in California, not.
I am a fan.  I am.  I love her natural looks.  I like that she sticks to what she likes.  I loved her Golden Globes look, the maroon suit with big assed cleavage.  I did. It was sexy.  But this time, for a second time, it's a little too desperate for me.  Looks like she is screaming "look at my boobs".  The dress would have been perfect with just a tad less boob.
"Hey park, it's me, gonna' knock it out of you".  And she did. 
There's no denying she is gorgeous.  I think this would have been great if her hair was in an updo.  The hair makes the whole look, too much.  Overkill.
She killed it.  Natural woman, natural hair.  I adore this woman.  How to Get Away With Murder is an edge of the seat show.  I love it.  She won, Best Actress in a TV drama and killed it in her speech.  Even killed it in the promotional clip for the nomination.  She is getting away with murder alllll over the place.  Watch Meryl Streep's reaction to the nomination clip.  It's hilarious.  

Apparently she is from Downton Abbey.  I thought they had classy clauses in their contracts? 
It's cute right?  Seems pretty fitted.  Like a glove right?  She could barely walk.  It was very cartoonish in fact.  Which made it funny.  Which made me love it even more. 
Love it.  All of it.  The colour, the bow belt.  It's great.  If I had a waist I would wear this.  If I had those shoulders and arms, I would live in this.  If I was 20.....I need a nap.
We get it.  You are a stunning goddess worthy of Joe Manganiello.  There is a mermaid dress box you could step out of once in a while.  Perhaps put the hair up.  So pretty yet I am so bored.  Perhaps it's just jealousy and envy.  We're undecided. 
Miss Aniston, this is how you do a boob.
Miss Falcone, this is how you do a tiny tummy.
Almost fit.  See Amy Poehler above.
You've been schooled ladies.
Bitch please! 
 She had on purple earrings!  It was fantastic.
I only attach this clip as I want you to watch for Rosamund Pike and her husband's reaction to Julianne winning.  It's brilliant.  Way to hold back dude.
Oh and by the way, as Julianne stepped out of her car on arrival and into the California heat (which was apparently bad last night) I caught her saying "fuck it's hot".  We are long lost sisters.
Speaking of Pike....
If it were just a tad less dress, a little more fitting, it would be that gusty haute couture type of look.  Like this, it screams put Kyra and her pregnant belly in me. 
They are one of Hollywood's greatest couples.  He won for Shameless and in his speech referred to wife Felicity Huffman as "Flicka" which I thought was so cute.  Until my husband passing through said, "isn't that a horse's name?".  Hmmmmmm
Kim Kardashian called and she wants....well, her whole look book back.
She won.  Best Supporting Actress for Boyhood.  She's so odd and quirky.  And she gets as close as she can to nailing it here.  I just wish someone would style her a bit more.  Oscar shoe in and she's going to be a hot mess in all likelihood.
She's like a hundred and seven....excuse me while I take a moment to bow down. 
Now looks like this! 
And he was in two of the best clips last night.  Watch the video below for best ensemble, skip to 2:48 if you want to skip Naomi Watts almost face planting on stage, and get to Zach. 
And the opening bit.....again, skip to Zach at point 1:47.  Although I did appreciate Jennifer Aniston's part. 
“When I was younger, I wanted to wear funky, used, old clothes with character.  Now that I am older and have character I like new clothes”.  Ethan Hawk
Debbie Reynolds was given the Lifetime Achievement Award last night.  It was presented to her from her daughter, Carrie Fisher.  It was all around awkward if you ask me.  Carrie was forced in her speech.  Debbie was obviously suffering with some dementia, some memory issues.  Carrie stayed too close during her mom's acceptance speech making weird facial expressions on camera.  I was uncomfortable during most of it save for the times Singing in the Rain played in the clips or when Debbie referred to Gene Kelly lovingly.  It was like the fog lifted when she did but then it came back and she reminded people for a second time she was in Singing in the Rain. It choked me up some. 
There was a small highlight during this when my husband walked through the living room and said, "Who is that?" pointing to the TV referring to Carrie Fisher.  I replied, "Princess Leia".  He stopped, looked at the TV, looked at me and said, "yeah right" and left the room.  Some boys just don't want to admit to the fact the girl they once masturbated to is no longer the girl they once masturbated to. 
Did you watch it last night or lazily wait for me to do all this work for you? 
See you at the Oscars.  I will be the one on the couch with crumbs on her face.