Wednesday, April 30, 2014

DBPW - Day 87 Self Aware Much?

Well today's another day closer to my writing course!  I am very excited about it.  I am nervous too.  I haven't travelled since my diagnosis without my husband.  Eeeek.  I feel so childlike when it comes to being alone on a trip.  It's weird.  I used to choose to take trips without Dan, but then they were with other people, like girls weekends.  Now I just want my security blanket, Dan, with me. 

Today I had to go to the shrink to report in about these psychotic breaks I've been having.  3 in the last two months.  And well, I am never really satisfied when I leave there but I always think, could be worse right?  I am weaning off three drugs, count em, THREE!  And in two months upping the dose of another.  I mean how is it I have been on these drugs for a year and.....well.  I guess we now know, for no reason that's explainable enough I can't go off them.  At least he was pleased to hear I was going to the psyche center in Guelph for a stay.  This stay will make it much easier for me to learn to deal with depression and anxiety that is incurable, only manageable.  I hate hearing that, though I know it's true.  It's like my two friends, three now, with Lupus.  They can only manage it, it's incurable.  My heart aches for them.  It's funny because my heart aches for them and then I think....Nicolle you should ache for yourself, your disease causes as much pain and heartache, for you, yourself.  Right?  Hmmmm.  Self awareness work needs doing at the center I am going to.  I need to accept what I have and learn to exist at peace with it.

It's funny, in this meeting today with my doctor I kept interrupting him and trying to say things and he kept saying, "you need to listen first, then respond, not prep a response while pretending to listen to me".  Grrrrr.  Hit this nose on the head didn't he? Just like this says below, if you believe you know a person it can be very frustrating to talk to them because you think you know what they are going to say or do before they do, or so you think.  Wrong.  People not only change but they can surprise you too.  Easily. 

While I was in the doctor's office he asked if I had done any cognitive behavioural work online.  It's kind of my homework.  It's based on self awareness and kindness of self.  I hadn't, yet, my bad.  I made excuses but then admitted the truth that I have done so much self awareness work that has hurt I am really tired.   He pushed upon me that all the work I have done has led me to a place of acceptance and he is right.  With my parents, I accept them as are and love them for who they are.  They are not a massive part of my day to day but they are my parents.  It's for the rest of life this work, so I suppose I will have to get to it when I return from my trip.  Being with Wayne Dyer and Miss Hays won't hurt either.  

He was very pleasantly surprised to hear I was going away on a trip solely about me and my desire to write and that I was going alone.  He didn't seem worried like my husband or I am so that was good.  I am ready, big girl pants are on (even if a thong and up my arse) to take on a small slice of the world I guess. 

Look at me go. 

Tuesday, April 29, 2014

DBPW - Day 86 Dancing in the driveway....

Today is a good day, another one.  I count them, I savour them.  Actually I record them for the purpose of my psychiatrist because these drugs I am on can cause different reactions, both physical and mental.  I got up today and ran errands.  While doing so I changed the radio about 40 times.  I was only out for an hour.  Just as I pulled into my home I found, Papa Was a Rolling Stone by the Temptations.  I couldn't help it.  I cranked the radio up to full blast, got out of the car to greet ma' puppy and danced my big ass off.  I should say big, I should say, big firm butt off.  My workouts have firmed this girl all back up.  Big or not, there's no flabby going on here.  I grabbed my ankles did the Miley Cyrus, humped my car door and the dog humped me.   I danced to the entire song.  My rabbits were jumping around, the dog was dancin'....what a great start to the day!  I was winded all to hell but I can still move!  I got the moves like Jagger!  Actually better. 

When I got inside to settle into my day I decided I should probably start checking into my closets for this weekend away in Florida this weekend.  Yes yes, my writing course is in Florida.  Oh you are thinking, "poor you, away in Florida"....listen assholes, it's two fucking days in 90 degrees when I have my period, hot flashes and an extra 50 pack on my ass.  Fuck you!  It's not heaven!  Trust me this is not the ideal time for me to be travelling.  I am likely to kill someone in the airport alone.  Shit now that I wrote that I will probably be arrested by CSIS.  Damn it. 

The wonderful things that did happen is my closet produced two, count em, two maxi dresses, sun dresses that look awesome on me and that's my two course days clothed.  One two, done.  I haven't picked out clothes that fast since I had the flesh eating disease and dropped to a size 5.  Now all I need is airplane clothes and those are always maxi skirts and big tees with cardigans for warmth.  I am a comfy stylish flyer.  Maybe a fedora just for funsies.

Today is a good day.  Just look at the little things.  And NO ONE, not anyone, is stealing this good day from me.  Why you ask?  Because I said so!

It took me 5 minutes to get my outfits ready for a 4 day trip.  No one can steal that glory, no one!

I emailed my husband to say, "can you talk me through turning back on the furnace, it's really cold in here".  His reply, "turn up the thermostat".  Okay asshat I thought you had turned off the furnace and pilot light etc, OBVIOUSLY!  Jackass.

People be tryin' to ruin ma' dance off day.  They be tryin'. 

Why I am talking that way is beyond even me.

Monday, April 28, 2014

DBPW Day 85 Love....*sigh*

I love, love. 

I love feeling in love.

I love being in love.

I love remembering past love.

I love thinking of future loves growth.

I love, love.

I don't love myself enough.  That's a love I am working on.  I am a work in progress.


I love, love.

Is it wrong to love two men?  I love my husband with my heart and soul.  I still love my first ever love with romance and dreams in my heart.  They are very different loves, one is now, one is then.  One is real, one is a picture in a frame that's faded.  I don't want to go back, I just want to close my eyes and remember young romance.  The passion, the strength, and even the pain.  Then I want to open my eyes and jump into my husbands arms and find that safe place that says the world is okay.  The world can be trusted not to hurt me with my heart next to his.  They are very different loves.  But love none the less.  And a love right now I won't break for a walk down memory lane, know that.   I am just talking feelings not actions, not romancing.  I love still knowing my first love is out there with love in his heart for me as a friend as I do him.  Is that wrong?  My husband knows this, he knows we are friends and I will always love him.

I loved myself very differently during those times too.  At both times I didn't love myself, but then, I didn't know why and today, I do.  Then I didn't think I had work to do on myself, today I know I do.  Then it didn't matter if I should love myself.  Now I know it does.

Is it wrong to love multiple women at one time, none competing for my love?  I have more sisters than my mother ever gave birth too.  Some with my since my own birth, some picked up along the way, some in my life a short time, some online loves even.  Are any of these less than the other, less important to me?  Is there room in my heart for all this love?  There is.  My heart pumps blood throughout my whole body therefore my whole body is alive from love.  

So yes, I love, I love a lot. 

Back in my youth, I spent time making men and women jealous because I needed to ensure I was loved by my man and envied by woman.  It was how I found love in myself.  I needed to impress others to have any self worth.  Today, I spend no time making my man jealous or looking for envy from woman because I don't need to ensure love, I believe it as best I know how.  And I don't need to impress anyone, least not to improve my self worth I don't. 

Be Yourself - be true to yourself, deep down you know who you are or you have an idea.  Don't "perform", don't please others, just be you.

Accept Yourself - if you are yourself and just being you, it's much easier to accept yourself for who you are as there is no other you to compare yourself too. 

Value Yourself - look at who you are, look at what you do, look at how you think, look at all the beautiful things that make up you and place value upon them.  Irreplaceable value, as if you are gone, you are uniquely you and irreplaceable.

Forgive Yourself - if you are your true self, if you have accepted yourself and given yourself value then you will find it unreasonable to hold a grudge on yourself. 

Bless Yourself - give yourself thanks and blessing for all that you are and all that you will be.

Express Yourself - never hold back for the things we don't say are most likely the things that will be best said. 

Trust Yourself - if you have done all the above, trust will be implicitly part of the package.  You will not need to work to honor yourself.

Love Yourself - for all your flaws, for all your gifts, for all your blessings, just love.

Empower Yourself - with all the above you are a force to be reckoned with.  You already are empowered.


Sunday, April 27, 2014

DBPW Day 84 Kids....My Step Kids

I needed to make clear after yesterday's posting about my kids perhaps being, "privileged" or living the privileged life that my step kids, are fantastic little people.  One, the boy, Jonathan, is soon to be 16.  The girl, Emma just turned 13.  They are handsome and beautiful, and genuinely good children.  Really good children.

Toot toot of my own horn.  No seriously, it's kinda your duty as a step parent and if you can't do it, don't be in the situation please, please, please.

I met these two kids when they were probably 7 and 4.  While my now husband then boyfriend wanted me to meet them immediately upon his separation and our dating, I asked him to be patient and wait until they demanded it.  I asked him to sit back and enjoy his kids every other weekend and explain that the marriage ended, not the family unit, and I was just, only, his girlfriend.  Whom they could meet when they were ready.  When we got a dog, the dog went with the kids on their weekends, I stayed in my apartment or my house when applicable, while they got daddy/doggy time of their OWN.  They set up the cottage we bought together, alone.  They set up their room how THEY wanted too. 

By the time my step kids got to 7 and 4 they demanded to meet me.  Now there were pictures of me, Daddy talked about me all the time, "darn it Daddy when's Nicolle coming here to be with us?"  BINGO.   The kids are ready, it's their time table, and they've made the appointment on their terms. 

If I loved myself as much as these kids I'd have no problems, none.

The first time I met the kids we went to The Royal Winter Fair together.  We took both kids.  Jonathan, the 7 year old to see tractors, Emma the 4 year old to see, well everything.  10 minutes into the building Emma grabbed my hand when her Dad asked if she wanted to go see things with me and yanked me to wherever she wanted to go at whatever pace she wanted to go.  I was thinner at the time but still a "well built" gal when we walked into the cow area Emma stopped dead in her tracks and yelled "they're bigger than YOU!"  All eyes swung to us and I knew in that moment I could make it about me or Emma and make it right or wrong.  I responded with "Well I hope so, they are cows after all, they're humongous".  She laughed and we kept going.  She brings it up to this day, she loves the story of how she called me a cow but she didn't mean to call me a cow.  I really wasn't that big at all but to her, cows were bigger than humans, that's all.  In her mind today I think it's a test the step mommy game and I play it the same every time, as one of the funniest days of my life with these two little people.  

I love my step kids.  I try never to refer to them as my kids but it slips out.  I try not to so that I always honor the position of their mother, their mom, they are not my kids, they are my gift packages, my step kids.  And I, the step monster, their gift bags to their family unit. I've been putting myself second to these two kids since I met them, sometimes 3rd to their mom "Mommy doesn't make them that way", and that's how it should be.  I don't have them full time, if I can't put myself aside for them what's wrong with my ego or self esteem, they are children after all.

Try to come between us, dare ya.

Saturday, April 26, 2014

DBPW Day 83 Privileged You Say?

You know when you are sitting in a restaurant and the people next to you roll their eyes when your children speak that.....they are speaking "privileged".

You know when I have to say, "enough, ENOUGH, of this talk, no one is getting anything and who WANTS TO ARGUE MORE ABOUT THIS?????"....they are speaking privileged.

My kids, how I love them but being from divorce, the typical happens, they are spoiled.  ROTTEN!  So undeniably they speak privileged. 

Please don't get me wrong, they are great kids but, "can I have a glass of milk?" is the question.  Not, "may I please have a glass of milk?".  I make them revert from the first to the second before I will move for the record.  And milk is not released from my hand until what?  That's right, "Thank you step monster" is said.  This is just what happened as they were raised, we all jumped to do whatever we needed to do to make two kids from divorce happy.  If a free glass of milk will make a 6 year old happy, let's do that.  6 years later.....

(I named myself "Step Monster" for the record, it's how I roll).

At the dinner table the kids were arguing about these little boats WE PURCHASED that they believe are THEIRS so whatever we sell them for is THEIRS.  These kids can debate like politicians, using their biggest words, and biggest sentences and when that fails, the eyes well up.  They are, after all, tweenagers.

The problem with these beautiful, lovable, amazing kids is their lifestyle dictates money is for throwing around and for too long we competed with that.  Their uncle is a millionaire with his own plane(s) (that's plural....yes it is).  To them a flight is private, in a private plane.  At the table I heard for the second time in my life, "I don't do coach".  To which I replied, "neither do I as they don't have horse drawn coaches in most parts anymore, I fly economy you little monster brat". 

We created this, we have to uncreate it and it's not going to be easy, I will tell you that much.  I have been looking for "patience pills" everywhere, in every pharmacy and health stores I pass. 

For now valium will have to do.

But I love them, I swear I do.  As if they were my own.  I would kill for them.  I would die for them.  But this privileged shit, it's got to go, now.  I broke it, I will fix it.  Took 13 and 16 years to build 'em, might take that long to break 'em. 

Love.  *sigh*

Friday, April 25, 2014

DBPW Day 82 LOVE Love love...

As everyone knows who reads this, I've been struggling but feeling better these last two days.  Today I got up, went to the gym, got my coffee....blah blah, usual usual.  Until I got home. 

This is what I found when I got home.

This was at the backdoor when I walked in.
This was in our bathroom for me when I took my standard after gym shower.
This was on my spot on the couch.
And this was in the kitchen.
SERIOUSLY?????  I cannot begin to tell you how this stuff makes me swoon.  I just want to be in his arms all day and night long.  It's the safest warmest place on earth. 
Everyone deserves this kind of love in their lifetime and I hope you have it or find it.  All it takes is being 100% honest and open for it.  No fear, no walls, just love.  It's scary and wonderful all at the same time.  He is my best friend, my hero, my love.   And on any given day can make me as crazy as this makes me love. 

Thursday, April 24, 2014

DBPW Day 81 "Buy me dinner first"

Well I got off my pathetically grumpy ass this morning and got to the gym.  That was nice, I needed that.  I hadn't sedated myself yet so I was able to drive there myself and finally get out in the world again after this week from hell.  You add PMS to peri menopause, to Bi Polar, to potentially bad mix of meds and I tell you, you get on very unhappy person.  But, I eased off the sedation and headed out. 


Right in my driveway as I thought, "ooooohhhh I don't know about this", I saw a female and male duck swimming in the pond that is one side of my driveway.  In that moment I thought, I could be pretty upset about the water and how bad it is OR, I could love me some ducks and as ya'll know.....I love me some ducks.   I smiled and kept driving.

At the gym, I was on fire.  I was nervous being out.  Dizzy from being off the meds (the sedation) but I was on fire.  It usually happens when I want to be quiet and in the background out I jump into the middle of attention.  Our system at the gym says, "change stations now" but it was broken so they got another version French.  So my first station change I stood in the middle and said, "what the fuck did that lady just tell me to do, how rude?"  All the ladies laughed, the little old biddies blushed and the owner yelled, "I knew when I saw you walk in where this was going".  LOL  The system also tells you when to do a heart rate test and counts it down and a new person had come in and said, "what did she say" of course....I yelled, "skip 7 stations and go home!".  LOLs all around.

After the gym I went where????  I am testing you!  Coffee at Tim Horton's yes.  In the line up a guy was right up my rear end.  That's okay, it's a line up.  But then he followed me halfway across town to the grocery store and the ENTIRE TIME he was up my ass.   When he pulled into the store I knew what was coming.  I grabbed the business card of some idiot woman I had in my glove box and walked up to dude and said "here, here's my number".  He said "pardon" and looked at me strangely.  So I said, "well since Tim Horton's you seem to have wanted to give me a colonoscopy so if so, I insist you buy me dinner first".  And I walked away from a very stunned, likely inbred, confused middle aged man in a truck screaming "insecurity".

I wish that a day like that, a start to the day like that, didn't end up in the afternoon with antsy-ness and anxiety, but low and behold, it did and that's okay.  When I got this video below, I cried so hard I could barely breathe, my husband freaked and then just let me cry.  I needed to hear that song right now, there it was on FB for me. 

Don't Give Up

(Look the above up with the full video of them, P!nk's face says so much when she sings).

Then this.  The world she works in some strange ways some times.  She sends you some strong messages you just have to hear them. 


Wednesday, April 23, 2014

DBPW - Day 80 "ahhhh it's just PMS right?"

All the forms are in.  I await to hear how soon I can get into a center where my mental wellness will be priority by a team of people.  My health and wellness will be put first for the first time in my life for more than an OHIP sponsored 10 minute doctor's appointment or 50 minute shrink appointment where the solution is, drugs.  Where I am not told, "she's not likely to hurt herself when no one's around, she wants attention".  I do like me some attention but I am pretty sure that if I put this out there people should be concerned.  It's just me I guess.  

I have wicked PMS.  I truly believe this peri-menopausal PMS added to Bi Polar is just more than any one person should have to deal with.  My cramps are killing me.  I am crying to the sound of sad music on a commercial and I want to eat, well everything.

I hope, okay when, I go to this center I MUST be there through a period.  Because most stays are 30 days chances are they are going to witness and see what I feel during this time and its inhumane.  It's a cruel joke to feel like NOTHING in life is important enough to keep you on the planet.  I see a yellow flower, my favorite, I don't care during that week.  I see my husband smile at me a certain way, I don't care during that week.  The dog wants to kiss my face off during that week....okay I still care but the difference is, in the past when we talked about this, my leaving for a center I wouldn't go for the dog.  I needed to stay home with my puppy.  Now, I know I come first before my furry child.  I come before my husband and for the sake of my step kids I need this time for their sakes.

Pray for me, pray I get in and life becomes better, no, that life becomes easier to deal with.  I don't want to feel death looming over me once a month, please.

When this antsiness comes over me and I feel lost, that's one of my problems but it's in my head.  I have to feel like life isn't so difficult, I need to get this straight at this center.  The other problems I have solutions for, they might be scary.  They might be hard.  They might be big changes, but they are all solvable problems.  I just haven't figured out how to turn off my brain. 

Meditation may have to be picked back up.  The voices they are a loud, I need to non judgementally kick their asses to the curb.  There's enough going on up here.

Tuesday, April 22, 2014

DBPW Day 79 GO to the ER, they will do nothing, but go THERE okay?

"Have you made any plans to commit suicide?"  If so, you need to proceed to your nearest emergency center.  Really?

"Do you have plans to kill yourself right now?" If so, you need to go to the ER.  Really?

Pretty sure it's where I am gonna end up either plans or follow through no?

This is how we handle people who have mental illness in Canada.  Go to the ER, be sedated and locked in a ward with drug addicts going thru withdrawal then release you back into the world with the care of those around you being responsible for your every action.  It's pretty much why, on Saturday I didn't go to the ER.  My husband sedated me and took charge versus having to leave me in a likely horrible place for 3 days where nothing would be done to help me anyways.

I am working on getting into a center in the next month where I hope, god I correct that, I know, I KNOW they can help me deal with these lows.  I cannot face another one alone without the right tools.  I know I know I am not alone but none of you live in my head.  You can't climb into me and take away the depth of depression these go.  I wish you could.  I wish I could say you could and therefore I will be here forever. 

The first question above was on the application for the center and I think because I answered "yes" I have suicidal thoughts but "no plans" I may or may not get in.

The second question was from my doctor who didn't ask to see me just said they'd send in the referral and if I felt suicidal to go to the ER.

Ahhhh the system.  She's a great thing. 

The only real reason I am writing today is for one, I want to say this is my diary and I will write daily, but that no longer stands true.  I will write when I have something to say and when I go away, I won't be able to.  I will keep a journal to share but the writing...computers aren't allowed I don't believe. 

I need to say to those that want to call me, I can't talk.  I can't talk about how this feels or else I go into feeling mode again.  And I can't afford that right now.  I need to stay out of feeling mode. 



Monday, April 21, 2014

DBPW - Day 78 The Otter....YAY

As many of you know I am struggling very much so with Bi Polar depression.  I feel better today but I am still sedated, very much so.  Three days ago I was crying to my husband that I did not want to live.  This is very difficult for my husband to hear and for me to admit.  It’s not what I want.  I want to want to live.  I want to enjoy life and all it has to offer.  I am bordering on happiness today and it is in large part due to what happened last night.

I was cleaning up after dinner, down or not, I still am a housewife and take those duties pretty seriously.  There’s not much else I do but take care of our home, my husband, and my step kids.  I looked up, and there was an otter.  I wait every single year to see our little fella and there he was.  I assume a he, I haven’t asked or flipped him over to check.  We sit on the water and our dock is cement with a cedar cap so there’s a gap between the two parts.  Guess where the otter lives!  It can get a little stinky on the dock.  I really wish the boy would finish his supper and deposit the leftover bones back in the lake.  UGH!

I screeched to my husband that my boy was back and he came over to see with the camera and the zoom lens.  He got a few great pictures, the boy was out about 40 feet out from our shoreline, we were standing at the house, another 30 feet from the house to the lake.  So from 70 feet away we watched the boy eat fish and flip in and out of the lake onto the ice to have dinner.  After a while I noticed the water shift near the dock and my husband walked over and said he could hear the boy.  I called the dog who can always find the otter.  The dog went a wee crazy.  HAHA  The husband bored quickly and came in, I decided of course to lay face down on the dock and listen for the otter boy. 

It didn’t take long for me to realize a) my husband is deaf as a doormat and b) otters moo like cows from a distance when they feel threatened.  The dog was barking and scratching and I was tapping on the dock.  I could hear growling from under there but it sounds like a mooing.  If I make the noise now, the dog barks for he knows what it is now.  After a few minutes the water splashed scaring the bejesus out of me and about 40 feet from the dock up popped my boy.  I said, “Hi fella, how are you?”  To which he replied, “argh” and dropped beneath the water. 

It made my day, it made me happy. 

It’s the simple things kids, the simple things.   If I can appreciate that on a day like I am having, you can appreciate jumping in a puddle for no reason when you are grumpy simply to make yourself smile.  Please don't forget the little things.


Sunday, April 20, 2014

DBPW Day 77 - *yawn*

Well my friends, I am still here, and still pretty sedated.  It's all good.  It's making the anxious in the gut gloom go away and that's all that matters right now considering I can't seem to contain it myself with "happy thoughts".

Starting tomorrow the search begins for where I might be able to go for a 30-60 day program to work on the bi polar hormonal nightmare that are these breakdowns I can't seem to shake. 

I will keep you all posted.  In the meantime I am really grateful for all of you. 


Saturday, April 19, 2014

DBPW - Day 76 UH OH.... :(

Sadly as I write this I now know I won't likely be able to get 365 days in a row to you.  I am heavily sedated as I type as I had a Bi Polar rapid cycling low (if that's even what I have) psychotic break this morning.  We were on our way to CAMH (Center for Addiction and Mental Health) when the sedative kicked in and I was able to convince my therapist I have no thoughts of death right now but I need to get better medicated/treatment ASAP.  The system is failing me dreadfully. 

For the past 12 hours I have fought off this feeling of dread and despair only to crash this morning into the abyss.  I have been there before and written to you about it, sadly today, for all those I know who share in this, I cannot be the words of wisdom as I am just too low and sedated.  I assume by next week I will be checking into a program and hopefully stay for 30 days until this can be at least managed better.  Perhaps this heavy sedation is the route but I hope not.  Staying in bed all day barely able to life my head doesn't seem like a life. 

Wonder if they will let me go to my writing course?

For now, I will try to keep writing but I may not physically have access to anything but a pen and paper on which I will journal and perhaps catch you up.  I know I will be here for a few more days at least.  We tried to do this program route before and it's very time consuming and very expensive but my husband had enough this morning.  He has refused to allow me to unpack my overnight (psyche ward) bag for fear I fall off the proverbial wagon again.  I feel for him.  He loves me so and hates to hear me speak of such dark thoughts.

I love you all for reading and staying with me on this journey.  I know I will come out the other end of this a brighter, happier, more educated woman.  Today, right now.  I will just focus on the next hour. 

xo Nicolle

Friday, April 18, 2014

DBPW Day 75 Happy Easter All

I got a post today that I wanted to comment on.  First of all, Happy Easter all.
I can't - I won't : I like this one.   It means you have made a conscious decision, there's no uncertainty, you decided. 
I should - I could : Again, there isn't a question, it's an choice you've made.
It's too difficult - It takes time :  I am not sure about this one though it would be a good choice when you are down or letting yourself feel down.  I mean I can honestly say nuclear physics would be too difficult but given time, like 20 or so years, perhaps.....
It's not my fault - I take responsibility :  I like this one but because I suffer from empathy disorder where I feel every one's shit.  So for me to take responsibility for something that isn't even remotely my fault seems normal.  You fall down in Alaska, Nicolle in Canada is happy to take responsibility if it will help you, heal wounds, resolve an issue.  It's easier to take than to give, to take responsibility than to lay blame on someone else. 
Why me - It's my journey of learning : This one is very true.  Very very true.  I wouldn't have "To hurt is to learn.  To teach is to heal" tattooed on ma' foot. 
It's not a problem - It's an opportunity :  This is the same as above.  It's just hard sometimes when you are lost in the throws of a problem to see it's an opportunity to learn.  The heart sometimes over rules the brain. 
It's too painful - I am altering my perception : Again, this one.  I had blocked all my memories of my childhood and one day someone yelled at me and it alllll came flooding back to me.  I was so lost in those memories I couldn't separate myself from the memories themselves.  After a time lost in the throws of that pain, I suddenly realized in a course, my parents went through life while I was hurting.   Maybe they were hurting too.  I am not making excuses but I am saying that perhaps there was no intent or even consciousness to their neglect. 
I'm not satisfied - I want to learn and grow :  This is a must.  If you are bored, unsatisfied, lonely, CHANGE. 
Life's a struggle - Life's an adventure : Life truly is.  Even when in pain like I was above it was a windy bumpy road.  Much like a roller coaster = an adventure.
I hope - I know : I struggle with this one because life is full of unknowns.  You can't dictate, "I know I will will the lottery", "I hope I win the lottery".  That said you can change things like, "I hope I find happiness" to "I know I will find....".  Again though, if lost in the struggle of depression, it's hard to say such things.  Start small.  "I hope I get out of bed today" to "I know I will get out of bed today".  I mean you have 24 hours!!  Think positive.
If only - Next time : I don't like either of these, the time is now.  NOW.  Not next time, not if only.  Now.  Work for your next time now please.
What will I do -   I know I can handle it :  We never really know what we can handle until it's handed to us.  And we don't know how to handle it until it's in our hot little hands.  So I beg to differ on this one. 
It's terrible - It's an experience :  I am sorry but a funeral is not an experience.  Ahhh shit, it is.  It's an experience to say goodbye.  It's a chance to celebrate a life.  But it is terrible.  There is no disputing that.
Happy Easter Ya'll.  Nicolle's words of wisdom for Friday, Good Friday 2014.  The ham is smelling the house up fine, the husband is napping beside the dog and Momma bear, me, is a happy camper. 

Thursday, April 17, 2014

DBPW - Day 74 Life as lived by Geese

Besides the fact some people eat them, geese have it pretty good you know.  And for reference sake there are cannibals out there, they exist too so's a toss up, human, goose, human, goose.   I mean they fly to Florida all winter long, come back to the great old Northern lakes for summer, eat nothing but grass, plenty of that around and can shit wherever they want.  And do they!!!  Yeah you keep trying to chase them off your lawn, go ahead.  They'll be back. 

I love me some geese.  Not for eating.  I love the way they look, I love the way they sound, I love that they make me think of Canada.  I just hate how much they shit.  If only we could diaper them I'd have them all over my property.  As of now, undiapered, we send the dog out to chase them off the lawn.  When there are babies, I hide the dog from seeing them and quietly go out and "shoo" them away nicely.  I know, I am aware of the suck factor there.  They're babies you, shush.

I have ducks and geese (and a random loon) all over my house, not the real ones, they shit as I said but wood ones.  My father in law does woodwork and pretty much every birthday or Christmas I get a new one.  My step daughter has Mother Goose that would rival all others in her room.  Ducks and geese just make me happy. 

Fireplace goose.
Magazine Sand Piper's girlfriend goose. 

If a loon, have a loon.
Mother Goose (oddly named Angelina)
I was watching a goose the other day walking out to the edge of the frozen lake.   The edge was the water line and this goose was being so cautious it was hilarious.  All I could think was, "what the fuck is gonna happen, you gonna fall through the ice into water?  You have wings right?  Tired maybe from your trip back from the sunny south".  I was laughing my ass off when it dawned on me how so many people live their lives like this.  They tread so gently like they are on thin ice when the worst that's gonna happen is they get a little wet.  It's not like a goose has drowned before, pretty sure they float.   This goose was worried about NOTHING.  Much like we humans do.  "Oh no, what if I fall off the edge with these wings?"  It just gave me something to think, write and for your enjoyment, draw about. 

 Oh no, easy easy easy....gentle gentle gentle....

Awww shit....crack
Swim a little.  Relax. 


Wednesday, April 16, 2014


I am happy!
I am happy!
I am happy!

There is no reason for me not to be happy.

There is no reason for me to worry about what I cannot control.

There is no reason for me to be sad.

I am not actually sad or unhappy.  I am just creating a mantra to remember.  I think sometimes I have too much time on my hands and I let my mind wander to places it doesn't actually belong.  I think we all need to tune the world out.  I need to tune the world out.   

I have zero reasons to be unhappy.  I am beautiful, smart, married to a great man, have happy beautiful kids.  I don't have to work.  I don't have to stress.

Hmmmmm, sounds alright doesn't it.  :)

I need to turn off judgement entirely.  I don't need to judge things positively or negatively.  I need to just see them for what they are. 

Compassion can hurt, very much so.  I have a deep compassion and empathy for everyone, even those who may not have treated me well.  If they get hurt, I will ache for them.  I can ache for them if its I who hurt them.  I always regret that, even if some would say it's due or warranted.  It's who I am.   It comes from a place of not receiving a lot of compassion or sympathy myself growing up and knowing how much that hurts.  When you feel connected to everything and everyone, you cannot often turn your back and turn away, you are bound to others in a very unique way and it can be tremendously exhausting and painful.  But when they say you must learn how to carry the Universe or be crushed by it, no, that's not true.  You must learn how to separate yourself from it.  You cannot have a bleeding heart that leads to significant blood loss and death.  You must learn how to protect yourself without changing entirely who you are.   I refuse to empty myself, it shall not be so.  I will grow stronger and stronger so that I can choose when it's best to have empathy and act upon it and when it's okay to just feel and move beyond it.    

I chose to put up this one today because I am the type of person that sees, say for example, a Food Drive for Easter.  And money or not, I will think of someone having no food at Easter and fill and extra cart at the grocery store.  I will come back the next day with kids toys from the Dollar Store or even my own house sometimes.  All I hope in those moments of giving is that some day, someone will be so kind to me if needed.  I hope that my doing so inspires others to do so as well.  Lead by example. 

Pay it forward but stay right here, in the now. 

P.S. I cannot believe I said I would do this for 365 days!!!!  Sometimes I am not sure I have anything to say anyone would care about.  AND AND I am having a hysterectomy this year.  Not sure how I will be typing those few days after the surgery but it sure should be entertaining as hell.  "I am higher than high....oh look, a unicorn..."

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

DBPW - Day 72 Oh to be oblivious....

I've been struggling as of late as to how to stop worrying about life.  Where it is going.  I just finished worrying about where it was, *whew*, now onto what will be.  Gosh it can be overwhelming.  Money, marriage, kids, how long a dog will live....I am missing life right now by worrying about what MAY be.

In other words, don't do what I am doing!

Today as I worked out and saw my sweatshirt on the floor, it read, "Warning, No Patience for Stupid".  Yes, I made the shirt.  Surprise, surprise.  I couldn't help think of stupid people and how blissfully they are unaware most times of their stupidity.  Wouldn't that be something?  To be unaware?  I thought about it awhile and thought, it can't be stupidity that is happiness?  Stupid people do stupid things that lead to stupid problems."  That's not happiness.

I had the "aha" moment, *light bulb* overhead, when I was stopped at a light and I saw a little boy jumping in a huge mud puddle.  He came right out of both boots which suctioned into the snowy mud and he landed right on his backside barefoot.  Before the tears could escape his eyes he looked at the teacher headed his way and threw back his head and started to make snow mud angels.  Had the light not changed I would have video taped the kid.  It was pure bliss.   In that moment he knew he was gonna get in trouble from his teacher, then his mother OR he could forget that and play in the mud. 

Just let go and play.

I know each day we have choices.  Slow down to the speed limit or pass the car ahead of us.  Laugh when we fall down or cry out to those around us.  Look around at free time as a waste of time or a blissful gift.

We have the choice under many circumstances.  Sometimes we don't, almost always, we do. 

Don't get stuck, make a call, make a decision and see what happens, just "go with it".