There isn't one thing I can find about myself, right now as I type to you, that I value in myself. Not one. Not as a wife, step mom, human being. Nothing. I feel completely without value. I am not writing this to have you provide value, I promise you I am not. I am just telling it like it is. I can't find a reason that I am here. Or why I should stay here.
I am going through the motions of life right now. This morning I got up, got in the car, headed for my coffee on auto pilot. I had 4 errands to run before 930am. I was a huge success in that I accomplished them all. Yay me. I got home and as I was about to make a Weight Watchers friendly breakfast I burst into tears because I couldn't figure out ANY reason why I should bother with, a) Weight Watchers or, b) Eating. That's what these lows feel like. I say to myself, why bother with a program, an eating program, I don't want to be here in 6 months so who cares. And eating, when you are upset eating is the last thing you want. But I know better. I know a person needs to eat.
My biggest eating problem is that I am consistently an inconsistent eater. In other words, I can go days eating really well, then days of barely eating, then days of binging, only to go back to days of eating bordering on OCD it's so perfectly balanced. But there's never an in between, a middle ground. I either overeat or under eat. And because of that I don't lose weight, more often than not I gain it slowly. Even with all my working out, I only lost 5 pounds but lost 15 inches. That's because I gained muscle weight. I know all this. I know what's good to eat, what's bad to eat, what helps my Bi Polar what doesn't, what helps you maintain energy what doesn't. I know it all, I just don't apply it to my daily life.
When you are battling the desire to live, food seems like that last issue to care about. In the past I got my joy from food. Now that I am over that hump where the only pleasure I want is superficial in that manner I am really frustrated about what I did to my body. I don't want to restrict for the rest of my life, but I want to eat to live, not live to eat. I think I am there. I am ready. Now it's just finding the self worth desire to bother. Why make a salad when you haven't the energy to get in the shower?
This is not how I want to live. 6 months ago I was helping someone I care about fight for their reputation in a lawsuit, I was on fire. I was taking care of this home, myself, my husband etc etc. If I had a bad day it was likely because I had been on a high and was crashing. There was little thought of death, just lows. Livable lows that doctor's told me they could fix. Forward six months and today I am having a hard time brushing my hair. In the last 6 months all that's changed is the doctor added a new drug to my regimen because I was living, but I wasn't living a full life. I want back to that. I want to be living again even if it's not fully functioning. Between Dan, my therapist and I we've decided the new drug introduced back last year has to go. It's reacting with my brain or my other drugs poorly. I am not living as I should. I once was a Bi Polar who wasn't fully functioning, I am no longer. Today I am non-functional. It's time to take back control. I am not doing this alone so you don't have to worry. There are people behind me backing this decision. We often hear of people going off their medications and becoming nightmares. This is not one of those situations. We have studied the last six months and have come to this conclusion after some serious review.
When I called the psychiatrists office again I was told, "Come to the ER immediately". He doesn't have free appointments as the Head of the Psychiatric Department. I had said I was having suicidal ideations so I get their concern I do, and they need to cover themselves. But in all honesty it's also so the doctor I see can make the time to see me. He has to when I am in the psyche ward. I don't want to be committed for any length of time when I can stay home and fight the urge to hurt myself. I can sedate and rely on my husband to ensure I don't do anything. Seems like a better idea than lying in a hospital bed feeling this hopeless without any of the comforts of home including the man I love, the dog I love, the house I love.
Oh shit, there it is, reasons to live. Man, dog, house. And those are loved by those great two kiddies too. I think they like me too. See I can find reasons. I can do this living thing. I can. I think I can.
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