Wednesday, May 28, 2014

DBPW - Day 115 To be or not to be on a diet....

Well I did it.  Last night I went to a Weight Watchers meeting.  Trust me it wasn't easy to go.  When you are in a Bi Polar low you cannot imagine doing anything for yourself, anything that takes time, anything that takes effort.  Like losing weight.  Putting effort into something when you don't feel much like you have a purpose doesn't make sense really.  I am really struggling again with why the fuck I am here?  What is the point?  I write to you fine people, then what?

The meeting was lovely, the people all lovely, even the meeting host, lovely.  I enjoyed it all, for the most part.  I mean the whole being out in public thing was annoying.  Interacting with the human race, UGH!  Kidding.  I jest, they were fine people, mostly older with a couple my age.  The problem I have with Weight Watchers ("WW") is that the diet, the basis for the food you eat in WW, is high in "low fat" products and allows for a carb at every meal. 

First off, low fat.  Low fat means a removal of all things whole and good, and the addition of fake sugar to bring taste back to the product.  For example, a low fat yogurt, or fat free yogurt has been processed until the cows actually go home.  Almost all the protein, the good fats, have been removed and in it's place they've used chemicals and fake sugars.  I know these products are not good for you.  Overall they lack the naturalness of food that should be considered when eating.

Secondly, carbs.  My psychiatrist has asked me to remove all processed sugar and high carbohydrate products from my diet.  They cause an increase in sugar levels, or glucose levels in the body.  And this can cause a phony high.  Carbohydrates cause an increase in energy levels but only for so long, then the sugar levels drop and that can cause a low.

So what to do?  I feel like a little weight loss wouldn't hurt my mind or back pain.  I feel like a little weight loss will give me some superficial self worth and right now that couldn't hurt considering I am seemingly always low these days.  I am not exactly rolling in self worth.  My back, well it's bad.  I just had a nerve blocker injected into my spine through my tailbone and frankly, it still hurts.  That's me carrying my stomach weight around, let's be real.  My back has only gotten worse with every pound gained.  If I lost some weight from the front of my back, the stomach area, then my back could only feel better.

What to do?  Time to talk to my therapist, a nurse practitioner and nutritionist from days past.  Time to talk to my husband.  Is it really so bad to have carbs?  If they are in moderation and whole grains?  I am not sure I agree with him.  I get that chips and French fries, not the best choices.  But a potato, small, or some brown rice?  I think with the right balance there may be less of an issue here than we are making?  Maybe I can make do with some low fat products in the interim and adjust the whole plan of Weight Watcher to accommodate full fat products and their point values?

I don't know.  Much like the rest of my issues, I don't have the answers, I wish I did.  I will let you know what I decide.  For now I am going to pout that no one seems to have the answers for me, as usual. 


Sometimes life's a bigger bitch than I am.   I am really struggling here people so if you are having a bad day, check, me too. 





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