Some time ago my psychiatrist told me to give up processed sugar products because they can make you high (sugar UP) and crash (sugar DOWN). I did it, for the most part (*wink*). I took him seriously, the husband agreed, and off we went. I didn't weigh myself. I didn't bother. I could feel the loss of some weight. I was happy with that. Just the other day I went to the gym and they asked to measure me. They do that at Curves to encourage you along. In total I've lost like 15 inches around my body and only about 5 pounds. Probably with the muscle tone I am gaining, I've lost more like 10 - 15. I wish it was more but I promised myself I wouldn't focus on the negative (especially with body image).
I also promised myself long time ago, actually my first post this year, that I was going to own this body and just MOVE.
MOVE, Just move.
And I have been doing just that 3-5 times a week at the Gym, doing the Curves circuit training. I have even advanced to jogging on the spot. Look at me go...nowhere she said. I did say "on the spot" didn't I? I don't run FROM anything. This girl is all about head on. That didn't sound right? This girl is all about facing things head on. Better.
So what came first, the sugar or the antsiness?
That is the question. Why? Because I am Bi Polar. If you ever find the time and you are having a quiet day have some sugar. Have a chocolate bar and don't change anything you are doing. You should, if you are not a regular sugar power eater, feel a surge in energy. Then give it an hour, you will crash into a nice long nap. I know this so well now because I am Bi Polar and I need to keep track of my energy levels, my moods, my antsiness.
Going into mania, a manic episode, a Bi Polar high is much like a sugar boost. You feel your energy surge, your skin starts to crawl. If you have ever had restless limbs you feel that way just sitting still. It feels like you are going to explode and nothing, nothing but sedation helps. Nothing. Until your medication(s) have stabilized you, nothing stops this feeling except sedation and sleep.
Last night we had pasta for dinner. I am very heavy on the vegetables and protein if I make pasta because it's a carb, and it acts like sugar in your body. It is basically sugar. I can get a high from the sugar which can feel like mania coming with my Bi Polar. In in some cases, if mania was just sitting in wait, I actually become manic just from sugar. So I need to be careful. We had our pasta and I got a little jumpy after, full of energy, feelin' good. I'm happy, let's have ice cream to celebrate!!! It didn't take long for the antsiness to start. I immediately recognized it, took something and went directly to bed. It's that clear to me now how much sugar affects me.
It's an awful feeling to not be sure you can control your energy levels without drugs. This is when I tend to get the suicidal feelings (sad but true). When I feel like I am not in control of my own energy it's not a good feeling. It feels very unsafe. It's scary. God (if you believe in the higher power sort of thing) gives us many things, control over our own selves is one of the greatest. Some people have more control than others and some have this chemical imbalance called Bi Polar. We don't have much control without medication. The key is to have been stabilized on your medication though. Been at a dose long enough it controls, to the best of it's abilities, the mood swings. I am not yet stabilized. And I share that journey with you here. Of course it's not all I share. I share a lot of general life stories because in being Bi Polar I have had to learn a lot of mindfulness. To be more self aware than most and I hope my sharing helps others with that struggle of self awareness.
I am not looking for pity, I guess I am just trying to explain why sugar is so bad for you and also what it might feel like to be Bi Polar. The lows are like everyone else's lows, bad, ugly and uncontrolled, and almost always following a high. So you start up in the skies and fall to the earth, hard. The highs are also uncontrollable but they typically start with this antsy skittishness, this feeling of your skin crawling. Each time I feel like that I have to judge if it's sugar, or caffeine, any alternate source.
Sometimes a high can even be environmental, triggered by a social setting you are unsure of. You all know the feeling of being somewhere you aren't sure of and suddenly you find yourself being the funniest in the room because you are performing your insecurities away. I do that like many but when I do it I can't very often stop myself. I keep going higher, and higher and.....then the inevitable crash. I don't know what's harder. To be high, to be low, or to crash the distance in between. Sometimes its hardest to feel normal one day because you hope so hard it will just stay that way, just normal.
I think this Up Worthy video, done by famed General Hospital actor Maurice Bernard says it well too. You just cannot explain what or why you are doing something, then before you know it, you are out of control. Medication does help, it does, but you need to be stabilized and they are still trying to do that with me. In the meantime, I keep studying life, holding strong, and try to keep my life as positive as possible and that includes the people around me.
Upworthy Bi Polar
Our environment affects us, make your environment the best you can. Choose sunny people over the rainy folks, trust me. It makes a difference. Questioning the loyalty of those around you when you are going through illness is too hard to bear, it just is. And it's why I don't anymore. I let go. I have to. It's for my health.
How about you? Are you willing to let go just for your own health and sanity? You shouldn't have to be sick first to do this for yourself. You should love yourself enough to want the best.
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