You don't have to explain yourself to friend.
You don't have to make excuses to a friend.
You never doubt the loyalty of a friend.
You don't have to beg a friend.
You never have to lie to a friend.
You don't even have to see a friend very often.
You don't have to be anything but who you authentically are with a friend.
And with all that honesty, they will be with you until the "end".
At our age, 40s plus or minus, we find ourselves very often questioning our friends. When that happens, it would be easier to know in our hearts, immediately, they are not our friend. We could do that if we allowed ourselves but obligation and guilt stop us from seeing the obvious. There should be no doubt at our age who are friends are. If you can look at someone and within seconds of thinking of them think negative thoughts, that's a negative impact on your life. You should just smile when you think of them. Perhaps it's just an argument or you have had a fight. They happen to the best of us. That said, they shouldn't last at our age. Grudges are a waste of a good day. At our age we know each other and ourselves well enough to know what a person meant to say but didn't, said but didn't mean. If you find yourself often saying, "what did you mean by that?", or "what you said hurt, did you mean too", you are with the wrong people.
It's funny because just the other day doing some cyber snooping I found an old friend of mine who is the epitome of a "user". Someone who comes to your home with nothing, offers nothing, not a dime for gas, for food, for alcohol, nothing. Someone who thinks their company is gift enough I suppose. Someone who puts themselves out there as a teacher and a coach, yet finds himself pushing people away that ask too much of him. Too much being his word kept. Someone who will take and take until there's nothing left to take and if you question the taking you are made out to be a bad person with "issues" and labeled toxic. This person wrote another, yet another, write up on toxic friendships. He truly would be someone I would label toxic when you get to see the real him. Not the persona he puts out to "his public". He is a public personality and nothing about him is authentic. The inauthentic persona is one of generosity and wisdom, happiness and courage.
Then you get into the core and realizations come about that make you question all. And I mean all. There is such a self involvement that it doesn't take long to know where you stand in the grand scheme of all things him. No where. If you were to say, "I am over here, can you see me?" you will be labeled needy and toxic. If you were to question him, "Do you not care?", again, needy and toxic. It's ironic because one of the neediest people I know is not only him, but his best girl friend. I worry that one day this is going to blow up between the two of them. That said, perhaps they are both so self involved they will never see past their own noses to have it happen. I do not know. I suspect the she part of the twosome will get very hurt one day. When this persona and I reunited a half dozen years ago in an airport of all places he labeled his bestie as, "needing drama and sadness in her world or she wouldn't know how to survive, that's just HER way" he said.
I have forgiven them both, never to be forgotten. I forgive because it's easier and I realize my parts in all things us. There are always two sides to a story and unless both parties admit to that, there will never be honesty and friendship. I will never give to either again, that's where I haven't forgotten. I don't have enough to give to people like this. They are a drain on me. I can't lose myself in people who do nothing but drain energy that needs to go to the care of my illness which in turn cares for my family. I am a very generous person and if allowed I will give too much. I need the people in my life to value me enough to know where to draw the line often much sooner than I would have drawn it myself. That's a truly caring person, one who stops you before you hurt yourself.
It's hard to go from feeling like you have a team of people having your back to a choice few. But as you age you realize strength does not come in numbers it comes in strength of character. I could have a thousand friends who do nothing but think about themselves or a close knit core group that I know they would give unto themselves for me without my asking. I have only a half dozen that I contacted when I had a recent psychotic break and I knew every one of them were waiting to hear I needed them so they could drop all and be by my side. Now keeping that in mind I did post the break here because it's what I do now, I tell everyone everything. LOL. I do this for anyone who might have an "aha" Oprah moment because they'd read about my break in reality. On that note, it was pretty amazing to see the "cyber team" that actually does exist behind me whether I knew it was there or not.
At my wedding in 2009 I had a group of girls at my head table that called themselves the "Executive Committee" and they welcomed my husband. Today all but one of these girls actually know my husband and myself, at all. It's not that they are bad people or they've been bad to me, we've just grown apart. It was already happening at my wedding but I felt like tradition dictated I have them as my wedding party when in reality, there should have been two at best. We cannot hold onto people because you have a past with them. We live in the NOW, we have futures to build, choose wisely. Your past cannot be carried into the future just because its your past. Sometimes it needs to be left behind for you to move forward. If you are always looking over your shoulder you will fall down a lot not seeing what's right in front of you. Have people around you, who right now, when you think of them, make you feel loved, respected, enjoyed, and cherished.
Speaking of, please love, respect, enjoy and cherish yourself so you may give the best to them they are giving to you.
Peace.
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