DBPW - Day 55 ...at least we have water now....*sigh*

I am not writing this for attention.

I am not writing this for a response.

I am not writing this to be loved.

I am writing this to help YOU understand what it’s like to be bi polar.

Many of you couldn’t help yourselves with the above, you had to reach out.  And I shouldn’t be surprised about who did, and who did NOT.  And yet....here I find myself heartbroken as usual.  It’s like I set myself up for this shit.  I lie to myself that I don't have expectations.

I’ve seen friends respond to a Sesame Street posting and a profile picture but I post I sometimes think about taking my life and nothing.  Wonder how they'd react if I was actually gone?  I guess when you think about it, they are the ones who don't matter then aren't they?  We hurt the ones we love, the ones who don't love us, hurt us.  When might I stop letting the people who disappoint me, disappoint me?  It’s like looking at an orange and trying to convince yourself it’s an apple.  The only idiot in that equation is ME!  And honestly, as angry as I get, an apple is not to be blamed for being an apple.  It’s an apple.  I cannot expect it to be an orange can I?   That's some deep shit right there in that paragraph folks, read it again.  I am going to.

It did warm my heart to hear from so many that I am loved.  Maybe I did need it after all (see the lying to myself above).  But I couldn’t talk, I couldn’t do more than "thank yous".  For that I am sorry because when I tried to reply more, I would just start to cry and the kids are here.  I refuse to let them see this disease.  I think they lost their aunt to this exact disease.  I am convinced of it actually.  I don’t want them knowing how much I suffer or am suffering so I shut down/off.  When you message me your love it cracks the armour and I can’t have that. 

I know I am not expected to pretend.  I know I am loved otherwise/anyways.  And I love my friends who keep asking, "wanna come".

 

Quiet is not my thing really.  I am express myself here pretty well but I am quiet about needing help or wanting help.  I don't go contacting my friends and say "oh I feel down".  It's not my style.  It's funny though, when I am down, I have more to say on here, in this forum/format than when I am up. I need to say more.  

I am actually feeling a smidgen better today.  Most likely because the kids are here so I push it all down.  I went to bed at 8pm last night with my nightstand light on, placed a book on my chest so it looked like I fell asleep while reading.  That’s all so the kids think I fell asleep reading.  I was actually up until 1am just thinking with my eyes closed and tears squeezing their way out of my eyes.  I don’t get that.  My eyes are shut tears!  Damn you! How do you get by my eyelids?  I guess my lids aren’t air tight.   At 1am I found myself having to take every drug under the sun to get to sleep.  There was no way it was coming otherwise.   When the mind cannot find peace the body can’t either.  Pain increases when the mind cannot cope.  The more stressed you get about your mental pain, the worse the physical pain gets.  It’s much like not being able to sleep.   The more you stress about not sleeping, the harder it is to sleep.  Ever notice that?  It's a vicious circle. 

Why am I not sleeping?

Oh stop worrying, you will sleep. 

What if I don't sleep? 

What if I never sleep? 

Can I sleep in tomorrow if I can't sleep tonight? 

Oh no, I have an appointment in the am. 

Should I cancel it, obviously I am not going to sleep. 

I should just accept I am not sleeping. 

I would really like to sleep.  

I am sad I cannot sleep. 

Man my back really hurts in the middle of the night? 

Wonder why that is?

I will try another position?

Oh god, that's worse.

What about this one?

Nope.

And so on, and so forth....around and around we go.

 

I have actually meditated, forgotten my pain, come out of meditation and almost thrown up the pain comes back in such waves.  It was a very weird and amazing experience to discover how much the mind controls the body.

 

 

You had me all the way up until "I'm happy".  I can do all the rest. 

Back to regular Joe stuff (poor Joe, just regular).  Did I mention we haven’t had water since yesterday at 10am???  And my husband still brings up the kids, one even brought a friend.  “If it’s yellow, let it mellow, if it’s brown…..I can’t do anything about it” accept want to punch my husband.  I actually went into town this morning and bought huge jugs of water to fill the toilet tanks full (the backs) to flush the kids toilet.   I discovered quickly that kids; a) don’t tell you how nasty things are getting (least step kids and company don’t out of embarrassment I think), and b) the are dirty little buggers kids are.   At the very least I got their toilet handled, for now.  This is exactly what I wanted to be doing on a down day(s).  Rigging toilets to flush shit.  Hmmmm, story of my life right now me thinks.  Feel like shit.  Oh good, got some shit.   There's some significant irony there.  "Hey I feel like shit, look see, shit". 

As of 1:20pm as I write this Saturday, still no water.  I am not happy but using every ounce of strength I have to fight getting mad.  There is no point to that, that's my choice right now.  Hubby is under enough stress trying to fix this, how is my venting my rage over being so sad going to help???  Right now he is pretty ready to sell this house entirely because of this.  Frankly as things start to go around here so am I.  I want something easier, newer….maybe just a change to get my mind out of my ass.  Unfortunately stress (moving) usually causes mania (highs) and when I crash it will be worse than it is today. 

P.S. We finally got water today at 5pm!!! 

Monday is going to be a real gem when the kids leave and Dan goes back to the city all week on and off.  Then there will be a crash.  And it will be laden with food because the only thing that makes a girl happy when she is that sad, is food.  In the instant the mouth tastes something divine and sends that divinity to the brain you just feel, bliss.  By the time it hits your stomach, you go right back to where you were pre-intake, sad.  I can say those words, know it, and still put blinders on about it.    Binge eating like this is no different than alcoholism.  You know better, but you only feed good as you are consuming it.  FYI (education time) – Binging without purging, just plain "binge eating" (what I do) is recognized now as an actual eating disorder, also a mental disorder (are you keep track, I have a list going).  Considering I have gone through two bouts of anorexia (starvation) it’s of little surprise I go one way or the other, with no middle ground.   I am either starving or over eating.  I can go one day with almost nothing, the next with 3 x too much.

I can say this about myself.  I am so self-aware it’s unbelievable.  There’s a part of me that wished I just felt and didn’t think,.  That I wasn’t smart enough to know any better.  That I was just blindly going through this.  Maybe it’s easier that way?  You think?  Do you think it would be easier to be sad and not know why?   I don’t know.  I guess at the very least I can say, "bright side, the way I am built I know this too shall pass".   I can say that with total  self-awareness.

I need to tell everyone in case I get snippy.  I apologize in advance but if I see one more post about choosing to be happy I will rip someone’s face off.  It takes everything in me not to lose my shit.  I use all my energy and strength to pretend I am okay, I pretend smile for my family.  Once I no longer have to pretend it’s like watching a tsunami coming at you.  You know it’s coming, you know why it’s coming, you know what you need to do but you know, there is NOTHING you can do to change your circumstance.  You can get to higher ground and pray for the best.  And sometimes, you can’t outrun the wave.   I cannot choose happiness right now.  And it's insulting to be told "choose happy".  I can choose to pretend with everything I have but eventually I will have to let go and when that happens…..I drown. 

 

 

I wish I could just say, "I choose happy" and happy I would be.  If I had one wish, and I have said this my entire life in my head since I was a wee girl, my wish would be "to be happy".  It's sad but true.  It's my life's dream.

 

Now that said, I do have choices, we all do.  In a moment of pain I can choose to go looking for things that will make it worse, or I can choose not too.  Do not lift that Nicolle.  I can avoid the bowl of ice cream.  Have a bowl of fruit Nicolle.  I do have some willpower, some control.  We always have even a subconscious awareness of what we are doing.  I can choose to take off the blinders.  We all have choices.  When someone tells me something like "you are mean", I can choose to take that personally or I can choose to wonder why they thought me mean, was I?  Like I said yesterday, I chose to react to some seriously ugly shit by hurting myself.  I am not planning on doing that ever again.  Especially giving those same people the power over me that makes me choose to hurt myself.  I don't have to do that. 

 

Besides the Bi Polar everything else in my life is a direct reaction to my actions.  EVERYTHING. 

I hope you have a good night people and I hope more so that tomorrow gets better, then the next day, and the next, and the next....it's all I can really do and I hope for you as well. 

All we can do is make good choices and hope for the best. 

xo