DBPW – Day 54 Who does depression hurt? Me jack*ss, me....

I am not writing this for attention.

I am not writing this for a response.

I am not writing this to be loved.

I am writing this to help YOU understand what it’s like to be Bi Polar.

I have been feeling down.  Nothing unmanageable, but down.  I knew what was coming.  I socialized on the weekend, which was amazing and I kept myself from getting manic (high).  I then went immediately into starvation medical test mode and went to the city all day Tuesday by myself (by choice alone) to see to the medical tests. 

I knew what was coming.

Wednesday, I went to the gym.

Thursday, I went to the gym.

I knew what was coming.

I cooked meals for my husband, I showered, I got antsy and fidgety in the afternoon with not enough to do.

I knew what was coming.

 

 

Last night from 930pm to 1230am I sat and made a list of the people I would write letters to if I were to die.  I made a list of people who would be allowed to be at my funeral.  Through my tears I wrote letters in my head to the people who have hurt me, people I have given of myself to when I had too little to give.  Last night I knew what was coming because it arrived.  My wanting to die. 

Please do not call 911.  Please do not call me.  I am going nowhere.  I want to, but I won’t.  I have too many people who won’t do well with this and I don’t have the courage to hurt them like I’ve been hurt when people left me.  This is all part of the ups and downs of being Bi Polar.  I don’t always want to be here.

I knew THIS was coming.

Explain to me, when you know THIS is coming?  When you are well, normal, or high and happy, how do you stay?  What keeps you here when you know this is coming?  My dog does.  He keeps me here.  He wouldn’t do well without me.  My husband does (note the order, that was intentional), I know he would lose self-worth only gained through me and our marriage.  Self-worth that I am not sure he can afford to lose.  My brother would never live life to the fullest that I need him too.  I need him to take life by the kahunas and live.  *oh here come the tears*.  My best friend Brenda, how would she feel if I wasn’t here?  She would place so much blame on herself for not being around enough, so she would think.  This is the girl that sends me random love notes to know she is with me, by my side, 24/7.  That she loves me.  My best friend Kathy (there’s a few of those BFFs out there), she wouldn’t be able stop herself from blame for being far away.   And yet again, I know she is right here beside me, she tells me so all the time.  And so on and so forth…..

I fight through it and I stay and I await the time where I won’t say that everything in life seems like a chore.   

Why bother with the gym, I don’t want to be here.

Why bother losing weight and help with my physical pain, I don’t want to be here.

Why bother with the hysterectomy for health reasons, I don’t want to be here.

Why bother writing to you fine people, I don’t want to be here.

Why not get more tattoos, I don’t want to be here so who cares. ("what's it gonna look like when you get older....." I won't be older so who cares)

Why not lash out at those that hurt me, I don’t want to be here.  Why not hurt them as they've hurt me?  (I won't be here to care).  

And so on and so forth.

This is this fucking disease and I hate it.  I hate it with every fibre of my being, I hate it so.  I want to want to live.  I want to set goals that don’t seem like a waste cause I don’t think I will be here.  University?  Why apply when I won’t go through another one of these moods again?  Why be nice to the lady in the grocery store when I won’t be here to see her again?  Why? 

Then the OCD comes.....

There’s been a rally of people around someone who hurt me dearly in the last couple of years.  She plays the victim perfectly.  She plays weak and then stands up and yells “don’t treat me like a child”.  Children are our weakest links, links we need to help fortify.  You behave like a child, always have, why wouldn't we treat you like one?  A ton of my longest friends, all but one from my wedding party, rallied around the child.  Took her side, called me a bully because I reacted poorly to her behaviour.  Do you know how hard that was on me when I was sitting here feeling THIS, going through these lows at the same time?  Do you know how many times I cut myself with a knife at 40 years plus because a large group of my friends pointed the finger at me?  “We have had to pull her off the ceiling” they'd said, and I would cut my leg.  “You were being a bully” they'd said, and I would take 3 unnecessary pills that day.  These are the people from my lists I made last night.  You aren’t coming to my funeral I thought.  When’s the last time you fucking checked on me and I am actually sick?  Not just acting like a child.  These are the people I want to say, “you failed me entirely, and in a way I would NEVER have failed you”.  *Oh bawling now*.

 

 

And I knew THIS was coming.

I knew when I started to OCD about a situation that’s years dead, began slapping me in the face again. 

I knew THIS was coming and I sit here typing to you with tears pouring down my face, sobs breaking out and thoughts that are too dark to speak of.

I would prefer it if no one called my husband thanks as he doesn’t need to worry about this, I am going nowhere, I just want to.  He doesn’t need to freak out.  I am going nowhere, I just want to.  My kids are coming this weekend I will buck up and hide the fact I don’t want to be here from them, because I am going nowhere, I just want to.

I knew this was coming and I really want to go now.

 

I will pray for a better day tomorrow.

 

 

God the strength it takes on days like today to just get up and bother.  One day when this is all more manageable, when the meds are right, the heads on straight, when the book is on the shelves I hope to say, "boy did I stumble across my strength".