Tuesday, March 11, 2014

DBPW Day 37 "I love/hate you honey"


What a fucking beautiful day! 

I don’t know where you live but here in Bobcaygeon, northeast of Toronto, it was glorious.  I sat outside with a blanket wrapped around me and my UGG fuzzies, sunglasses and a book and I loved it.  I try with all I can to appreciate these days.  I am glad I write about them because there will be a day soon where this isn’t the head space I will be in.  It will be dark and lonely and sad.  But not today folks, not today.
 
 
I know I talk a lot about the limitations this disease, being Bi Polar, but it’s because it’s a fact and it requires some gentle, non-judgemental acceptance on my part.   I need to accept I cannot deal with stress.  I need to accept that a bill that was supposed to have been paid last year is long past due and I just received that notice.  I have no idea where the original is.  Likely I was down and couldn’t deal with a large bill to be paid and I put it aside and lost it.  Sad but true.  It’s so hard to believe I once was the girl putting million dollar transactions together.  And those were the small ones. 

I’ve made a lot of contacts on Facebook thanks to this blog with people who are Bi Polar.  Some much worse than I.  Some that don’t get any relief and some that hallucinate.  I have very vivid, wake up screaming dreams most nights but not during the day.  During the day(s) the worst I feel is down enough that I think about not being here.    

I need to take some time to thank my husband right now.  It is not easy to love or be loved when you are Bi Polar.  Your mood swings make it difficult to live with someone from both positions.  From his perspective I am a pain in the ass.  He does however see how strong I am in my ability to put myself aside as necessary say for his children.  I will hold it in until I explode but I will explode on my own.  He sees how kind I am.  How sorry I am for my behaviour at times towards him so I do not share it with his children.  How much I love his kids.  How hard I try.  For that he accepts me as is.  And because of how he loves me I adore him back.  I have no choice I love him so. 

My relationship with my husband is unique in that we are totally true with each other.  He refused to let me drive last night back from the hospital.  Pneumonia or not, he was driving.  In which case I was talking.  The entire drive was, “You have high beams in this car ya know?”, “There’s another car, put the high beams down”, “Why so fast?”, “Is this a race?”.  He finally snapped and said he was never driving my truck again because it gave me a say.  From now on we travel in his truck and I am therefore not allowed to say anything.  In fact he would like to sedate me!!  You may think this isn’t appropriate marriage talk, but I do.  I think it’s amazing.  I think it’s amazing I can loudly bark “OMG I hate the way you drive” and it’s not an insult that is taken so deep we are ruined but even for a minute.  There we were in bed last night as he found his way through the blankets and pillows to hold my hand.  He doesn’t care what I say in all honesty and neither do I. 

As long as it’s honest, honest words, how he is feeling, I am okay hearing it because it’s how he feels and it does not define me, it’s his words and I always want him to express his words.

The last thing we have said to each other each night before our eyes find sleep is “I love you honey” and it’s been that way for 4500+ nights.
 
 

Are you brutally honest in your relationships?  You should try it. 
 
 
 

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