It's very difficult for me to hear the Dr. Wayne's of the world speak of happiness as a choice. I wish. I wish I could choose on down days to be happy. "I choose to be happy" and there it is. I won't lie, I find it a bit offensive. It's a movement of people believing that they can make things in their world come true just by believing it. Not only do I suffer from a disease that disallows instant happiness but I also have human nature insecurities. I think I have a good book in me. Do I think just that thought will get me a book deal? No I do not. I know I will have to overcome my insecurities and work my ass off to get a book deal. Am I scared of it? Sure I am. So does Law of Attraction mean my fears will come true and I won't write a book?
I am aware that the harder I work, the more dedicated I am, the more successful I will be. That's not rocket science. I know if I moan and grown about being sick, I will feel worse. I know if I cry tears of pain, physical pain, that upset will make the pain worse. I know if I feel average, normal, and I put on happy music and think happy thoughts, I will go from normal to happier. It works it does. But what about when I am feeling so down that I am thinking of suicide, does a happy song help? No. Does a happy thought help? No. I am too far lost in the depths of the illness. Again, I find it a bit offensive.
I took a course a year or so ago, two of them in fact. The first reminded me that for every action in my life there has been an equal or greater REaction. That reaction has sometimes created an negative characteristic in me. For example; someone I love cheats. That is the act they did, has nothing to do with me. Was their choice. But I made it define whether or not I was good enough. Had I been good enough they wouldn't have done so. But that's not true. A person who wants to cheat will cheat. They could be married to the perfect person and if they place no value in themselves and their life, they will cheat. This happens a lot when we are young because we have little developed sense of self and more so, at that age we cannot define the importance of our relationships. Not yet, we are too young to see the impacts of our actions in most cases. What we have to do here is not just forgive and forget. We have to understand that if we are going to define ourselves by someone else's negative behaviour, we must get out. You cannot stay for the sake of your own self esteem. You must understand what you are capable of and make a decision from there. It is not fair to stay with someone who makes the mistake of hurting you and then punishing them forever. By doing so you are defining yourself by their standards and defining them by their one action. Neither is fair. You can ONLY stay if you can say to yourself, "it was an action that has NOTHING to do with me, I can forgive".
So as I sit here on this Sunday afternoon I ponder whether or not I can actually, with the limitations my disease does put on me, publish a book some day. The answer is yes, and I will. But it won't be tomorrow and it won't be because I think I can. It will be because I work my fucking ass off to do so. We must earn our accolades. We cannot just sit back and think good thoughts and they will just come to us. If that were the case I would have won the lottery the day I left my employment for disability. God would have given me that obvious gift no? That's not how the world works. You must be the forward moving action to getting what you want.
I do and don't do this, above.
If I miss someone, I will message them.
If I want to meet up, I will invite you or myself to you.
The truth is this burden of an illness makes these wants less and less factual. And I don't wish to burden anyone with it.
I want to be understood and I have tried.
Unfortunately people like to punish people, get revenge, get retribution for bad behaviour and because I can behave badly, I don't often get understood. I have to live with that. I want to be loved enough to be understood but I can only look for that love in people who are worthy of my love.
I have always said, "if you don't have the answer, ask".
Not knowing something is not a weakness. Where I grew up working, Wall Street (the Canadian version) people would fake understanding and risk millions. I never understood that. If I don't get it, I am not risking my career, reputation, and millions. I don't have the backbone for that. Many do. It's why I am no longer there.
If I don't like something I no longer concern myself with your taking it personal I may not like what you have created, said, done, etc. I will speak my truth and if you wish to make my truth about you, that's on you, not me isn't it?
If I want something, I will go for it. I will ask for it, then I will demand it if asking wasn't enough. I will throw my blood, sweat and tears into obtaining it. I just get delayed sometimes, sidelined by disease.
When I love, I love. I say it, write it, show it. If you want people to feel loved you must show it to them.
I am so becoming the person I always wanted to be. I am pretty much there, just a few nips and tucks here and there and I don't mean surgically. LOL
No matter what actions created reactions in you, you can still change those thoughts, those definition. Be who you want to be. Strive for it. Work for it. Know it.
Please don't fall for the Law of Attraction that makes it sound like if you think you will be a Rock Star it will happen without you putting in any effort. To be one you must work for it. Practise. Perform. Sell yourself. Know yourself. Be prepared to sweat through blood and tears.
You wanna be a Rock Star? Get a video on You Tube and start from there. But please, if you are from Canada, stay that way, a Canadian. Don't forget your roots like that douchebag Beibs/Biebs. Thanks much.
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