Thursday February 19th, 2014 – Day 18
I am feeling much ado about nothing today. I barely got out of bed this morning for a
sore back but I did, and I got to the gym.
I got up and out of bed three times.
LOL. Each time I got up and did
something advancing my actually leaving the bedroom. The first time, I used the potty. Back to bed.
The second time, I brushed my teeth.
Back to bed. The final time, I
changed and put on gym clothes. Back to
bed. I didn’t think there was going to
be advancement today. I was down but in
that I don’t care place. Usually I crash
pretty hard after visitors of any kind and I did, I was crying a bit yesterday
afternoon/evening but much because I had my following topic running through my
brain. This is not a topic that applies
to me and my marriage, not even remotely.
But, that said, the topic HAS applied to me in the past. And for someone I love, now.
Staying with someone who doesn’t love you? Why do we do this? Inevitably we have done this in our
lifetimes. At least once been with
someone we weren’t sure of. Been with
someone we weren’t sure we loved or loved us.
Stayed and accepted less
than.
Why do we hope that someone who obviously doesn’t love us
will suddenly love us if we stay long enough?
Why do we hope someone who abuses us, will suddenly not
abuse us if we stay long enough?
Why do we hope someone who neglects us, will suddenly not
neglect us if we stay long enough?
Why do we hope that if someone loves us ONLY THEN are we worthy
of love, and more importantly loving ourselves?
Others should have nothing to do with our self-worth. If anything a partner should accent, enhance,
us. A relationship with a worthy party,
someone worthy of our love should compliment us, our lives. I don’t mean verbal compliments I mean accent,
as I said before, us. Like a good chair
does a room. The room was perfect before
but the chair makes it pop and makes us appreciate the room even more.
That’s how I see my relationships now a days, they need to
compliment my life, add to it, accent it. No more of this negative energy. I can’t do it anymore. I can’t question people’s love or loyalty not
while I am finally building the platform that is a new confident, accepting of
herself, loving herself, Nicolle Weir. I
refuse to do it. I refuse to risk all
that is me. But I waver. I accept less than sometimes and the only
reason I do….?
Why do we do this?
Why do we risk who we are? I
guess a lot of the time we are young. We
haven’t yet figured ourselves out, we don’t know who we are, what our value
is. Maybe that’s it? Do you think? But I am not young(er). What about the older people (me)we know, whom
speak of the fact they have little self esteem.
They’ve grown up knowing this, they are aware they are self esteem
deficient and yet they still find themselves sharing in a poor relationship
feeling less than.
I hate to throw the parent trap out like many do but if we
give our children the building blocks for self esteem they need, the growth
support and encouragement they deserve, they probably woulnd’t find themselves
in these situations. They would have the
base self esteem they needed to say, “Nope this is NOT good enough”. I know we are supposed to live life forward
looking but maybe if we support looking back more people can say, “That’s why I
am doing this, time to stop”. Many of us only change when we understand why
we are the way we are. Why does 2 + 2 =
4? Because a mathematician said so a
very long time ago. Okay, let me
understand that then I can go forward with 4 + 4 = 8.
All the naysayers are all about forward, march forward, don’t
look back, live and learn. I am pretty
sure you don’t learn in the current only, you look back and you remember your
studies and apply them to the current. You
can’t change something you don’t understand in the first place. How do you know it needs changing if you’ve
never known differently, never looked back as to why you are where you
are? So shouldn’t it be encouraged? Look back, examine your life and see where
you are.
Are you where you should be?
Are you with whom you should be, do they compliment you? Are they your chair?
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