HAPPY VALENTINE’s DAY ALL!
I hate this day, but I wish you a happy one. I hate the commercialism of it all. And men being forced to show love to their
wives. I bought my own flowers yesterday
at the grocery store. My husband was
VERY pleased not to have to buy them.
And chocolates? I hate anything
but plain chocolate, chocolate with nuts, caramel or mint. You give me a box with orange, rum, cherries,
coconut….I am, with dramatic flare, spitting them half eaten back into the box,
it is a waste of money. Instead I have
ordered cupcakes from my husband from the downtown Toronto cupcakery I love! I got 4 to share with my step daughter,
little does she know, she’s getting 1. Haha
I can sum up this day easily with the
message I sent my husband, “I love you on all other days, today, I hate you
just because I am defiant that way, I like to be different”. His reply, “oh you’re different alright”.
To reduce stress one starts at home right? Poor poor husband.
I got up this morning with a lot of back pain. It tends to follow mind darkness. So I awoke and put on my street clothes, I
wasn’t going to the gym. But because I
write to you fine folks, I changed my clothes, put on the gym clothes and I
went. Today I was supposed to get
weighed and measured. “You’ve been
weighed and measured, and you’ve come up short”. I can’t remember the movie, or is it Game of
Thrones again? I am so looking forward
to that show coming back.
Sorry, “hello off topic”, I think I didn’t want to go to the
gym because I was going to be judged.
That’s how I see having someone kind and understanding, weigh and
measure me. They are gonna think I am
fat and I am going to see it in their eyes.
I got there and started praying for weight loss, she was tied up on the
phone. Thank god she was. I started this gym to get stronger for my
back. To get my right leg responding how
it should. I have neuropathy (I don’t
have the medical terms in front of me) down the leg. It isn’t strong, the neuropathways are
pinched and not sending messages as well.
And by the time she was done on the phone I had reminded myself I own
this size, I own this weight, I am working out to be healthier and stronger,
not to lose weight. If it happens, great. IT IS NOT MY GOAL.
I didn't cry but it was close.
“On the scale please”.
*gasp* *gulp* “Okay”, head held low.
I lost nothing, I might have even gained a couple of pounds. I of course finished my entire workout
thinking, “I gained weight, you’re a fat ass” and was close to tears but somewhere
in there I asked her again what the total loss in inches was, I had stopped
listening upon seeing a gain of 4 pounds.
I lost a total of 9 inches in size.
My waist, hips, chest, and thighs dropped a total of 9 inches. BAM BITCHES!!!! I am getting what I TRULY want, STRONG! That’s all muscular definition in that loss
and strength gained. My goal was being
met. The rest of my workout was a
struggle of the mind between gaining 4 pounds but losing 9 inches. I left there with the negative shoved from my
mind, the positive carrying me to get my coffee. This is what we have to do in life,
struggling with something like bi polar or NOT, choose the positive. There were two outcomes from that weight and
measure, I CHOSE to be positive. It
would not have been hard to end up again in tears in the parking lot because of
my weight. Not gonna happen, I am
getting stronger which was the HEALTHY goal I set for myself. POSITIVE.
I hate plates. They are so bad. Stupid plates.
We always have choices in life, chose the positive =
positive outcome. I believe that. I still have some control over my brain, and
that’s it.
As you know after the gym I like to re-hydrate with my
coffee so I headed across the street to the drive thru. When I got to the line up, someone had
stopped their car to talk to a girl, holding up the line 3 car lengths. I showed great grace and patience and held
back my punching desires. After I got my
coffee the same person had stopped on the way out to talk to someone else. It was at this point I lost my marbles and
yelled, “if you want to socialize at TIMMIES take your ass inside and sit the
fuck down”. It’s these little outbursts
my husband would like me to get a grip on.
I may or may not have keyed someone’s car once in an outburst and he,
the husband, got REALLY mad. I don’t
keep anything from him so I had to tell him, ya know, in case I got
arrested! Man was he furious. He said, “I get that sometimes you have urges
with this disease and it’s hard to fight them, but there’s a line that if you
start crossing you will be lost” and he’s right. I need to find the line and ensure I don’t
cross it. I need to take a step back and
think about the line. Today, I just
yelled. It does appease me I wasn’t far
from the serving window and the lady there almost spit she laughed so
hard. I like to entertain even when I am
angry. Actually I am usually at my
funniest when angry I am told. Least
from those NOT on the receiving end. I
am pretty sure when I used to yell across the office, “let’s go, downstairs
now, I will kick your ass”, the guys on the receiving end of that didn’t think
it funny. First off they didn’t want to
hit a woman and second, and more importantly, they didn’t want to have their
male asses kicked by a woman. LOL
I don't mind being a bitch and if you do, of me, repeat the last line until it sinks in.
I have no issues throwing down the gloves, NONE!
Since that time family drama has continued and I have had to
call the hubby and say “I might need you to step in soon, not doing well on the
patience level with this”. And he
agreed, as he always does, offer to help.
Love him. I then jumped in the
shower and ran out to get the groceries I was going to ask him to do. If he’s going to take on this family issue
for me, I can darn well get the groceries and Valentine’s stuff for his
daughter coming to spend the weekend with us.
The fruits and veggies are all washed and waiting for her arrival. I have a valium under my belt so I will be
calmer than I was an hour ago for my beautiful girl’s arrival.
Are you doing something special today for someone? I grocery shopped for mine, he’s taken on a
family issue for me and likely we will do the hokey pokey later for each other!
LOL
You? You can’t come
do the hokey with us, girl don’t roll that way but what did YOU do that’s
special today. And not cause it’s a stupid
commercialized holiday but just cause it’s Friday.
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