DBPW - Day 11

Thursday February 13th, 2014 – Day 11

Well, I woke up unsure this morning.  I was quiet at the gym.  I wished no one was in there but I did it.  I am sorry if it sounds braggy that I went to the gym.  It’s not the working out, or even that I went, it’s that I left the house that is truly AMAZING.  This disease cuts you off below the knees.  The other day I cried the minute I got to my car I had been holding it in the entire time in the gym.  This Curves gym is so perfect for me.  It’s a cycle, a circuit, it takes max a half hour, in and out.  So perfect for someone like me.  I say to myself every morning, “get up, change, go, it’s only half an hour.  Don’t sit down.  Don’t think.  Don’t talk to anyone”.  I don’t even look at my phone before I go either.  I don’t want emails, phone calls, texts, nothing.  Any of them can send me back to bed for the day.  I can’t risk it.  This is the delicate nature of the mind of someone bi polar. 

And rolllllll over.  NAILED IT.

So I did it, I made it to the gym, then got my coffee and groceries. 

By the time I had my groceries I had expended the last of my patience.  I’m low, my mood is down.  My drive through town wasn’t my best performance. 

“I can push you through the intersection if you need me too fucktard!” 

“By all means, you go first, your blocking me in now anyways princess”.

I whisper these things of course. 

Then I decided to fill my tank with gas and get a car wash on this beautifully sunny day.  MISTAKE!  An asshole in a pickup drove up the pulley system and kept on driving!  See the pulley system is meant for a car in Neutral then it PULLeyS you through the car wash.  The PULLey notifies each part of the wash system, the spray, the wash, the brushes all when to go off.  If you drive in, no PULLY NO WASH.  IDIOT.  They got him out and the next car ahead of me went in.  Because the pulley system was all off she basically got her exhaust pipe washed. I only hoped as I waited to be PULLed through it would work for me.  (I yelled to the attendant, within ear shot of the truck who had now turned around to go through again, “I wait to be PULLed right?  On the PULLey system right?”)  I like to be helpful this way.  Well it did work, ¾ of the way.  At the end I was told to stop my car and allow the carwash to finish the cycle, it was still out of synch.  By now I had no patience so I let the thing pull my car out with soap still on my car and I left.   Fuck the blow dry, I hate what it does to my hair.

Once I got on the road, the highway road without stops I was better.  There’s some lingering but it’s all temper now.  I’ve covered up any vulnerability or sadness with temper.  Now I just want to punch people and take names after.  I called my husband and joked that even the Car Wash couldn’t clean my truck it’s so dirty.  He actually thought it was true.  THAT made me laugh.  GULLIBLE.

Since all that I then spent two hours on the phone with a family member in crisis and instead of handling like I should be able to, with an emotional attachment that doesn’t make me feel like I am having a heart attack,  I’ve instead had to take a valium.  Again, not how a normal person reacts to stress.  I have never been normal so I guess it’s time to accept the ABnormal me.  Least I have an AB right?  Some people have six packs, I have one. 

Just a day or two please.

Anyone out there have weird little ticks/quirks?  Picking at your fingers and cuticles, biting your fingernails, chewing your face?  I had stopped all of these until and restarted them ALL with the new meds I take for bi polar.  I feel happier now most of the time, I do.  I know it might not seem like it, but for a crazy person, I am happier.  I just wish I could get rid of the OCD and habitual nervous nelly ticks.  I chew my face constantly.  I used to do it, chew the insides of my cheeks at work, when I was working on a project with a lot of legal reading(s).  I would do it til they bleed.  Now, again….and the side effects clearly read, chewing….wouldn’t it be something if the side effects for this drug I needed are the exact same things people have been telling me to stop doing for years and I actually did.  This is called the Irving Curse.  I am a Weir now but once was an Irving and we are a cursed lot we are.  (Say that in a Game of Thrones type accent please).  I shit you not we are but that’s another story that will only make you think I am actually, possibly, crazier.  I can only accept so much.

Girls after my own heart.

 

Acceptance is everything right?  I am good with being crazy, are you?   So we exercising tomorrow? OR just playing with our crayons?