Friday, February 21, 2014

DBPW - Day 19 Oh I be maaaaddddd


Friday February 20th, 2014 – Day 19
I went to bed last night at 8pm.  I just didn't want to be up anymore.  I've been battling dropping into a really bad down for a while to be honest, fighting it.  With a sore back I dragged myself to bed and thought "screw it, I am just going to go bed ridden like most people do when they are this sore".  I stayed in bed until 9am!  I was up throughout the night but I got some good sleeps.  I needed it.  With the back pain still present this morning I thought that the gym might not be in my future.  I drifted back to sleep.  My husband came in to check on me at around 830am or so, he does so often, worrying about me and tucking me back in.  It's the sweetest thing on the planet when he tucks me all back in and kisses my head in the morning(s).  I love it so and him.  This morning's snuggle lead to my jumping him much to his surprise and glee, LOL.  It just melts my heart when he comes in and checks on me.  Half the time I am half awake and I just swoon.  He spends so much time worrying about my happiness that I try as much as I can to make sure I make him smile as often as I can, however I can.  *wink wink*


This picture cracks me up. And says it all. 

I did make the gym.  Waking up as I did puts a little jump in your step!  No one was there.  Because it was raining hard this morning many of our roads, the side roads etc. are flooding quite badly so I guess, many decided to stay home.  I had the entire gym to myself.  It was lovely, or would have been more so, had the girl that works there not been blabbing on the phone with repeated "like" and "then like", and "then he said like".  That shit makes me crazy.  By the time I'd left she'd been at it that way, "like, for 30 minutes".  UGH!

After the gym I always cross the street to Timmies to rehydrate with an extra large coffee.  It's how I roll.  Listen you are lucky you aren't hearing I take a coffee TO the gym. I'm not exactly a "morning" person.  The Timmies has a drive through that is an actual U, the turns are that tight into and out of the parking lot.  Ahead of me pulling into the driveway was a pick up truck with a fifth wheel hitched trailer on it.  Much like an RV but just a trailer to lug stuff around.  Needless to say he was a little long.  I didn't even think he was going to fit in the parking lot.  It's small enough.  All was okay though, not to worry.  He was actually going through the drive through!   On the first turn into the U he put the trailer up and over the curb rocking his trailer in such a manner I am not sure trailer hitches are supposed to rock.   I thought for sure the entire hitch was going to bust off the pick up trucks bed.  At the first curve in the U he put the trailer up on the curb again and just kept driving there.  At the order window he was on the curb.  As he pulled to the service window I was sure he was going to take it completely out.  I could see him in his side mirror talking about backing up to make the turns work but there were 6 cars behind me, I had no where to go.  People wanting coffee are all over your ass in that line!  There's no room for error there.  I got my coffee and before I could get out of the parking lot I had to wait for mister mad skill trailering to get down off the exiting curb of the lot.  I am happy to report I shared my joy with him with a "You lazy fucker perhaps getting out of yer truck is a better idea next time!"   I had to follow him on the highway almost home.  I was worried the entire time that he was going to lose the trailer.  I figured he'd rocked it so far back and forth, not side to side or up and down, that his hitch was gonna snap, 5th wheel or not!  I had to drive a good half mile back to keep enough stopping or avoidance space in case it happened.  To say I was happy during that drive would be the master of all misstatements.  Big dumb ass. 


 See how this works?  You stop, I stop.  We all stop. 
Life would be so much finer if we went to .....

I have to say that sometimes, my temper, concerns me.  I have a temper that comes out when I am covering up being sad.  I have a temper that comes out normally when everyone else's does and then I have one that comes with the energy surge of being manic.  I mean, no one wins!  It kind of sucks unless you need someone to have your back when you've been wronged.  Call me, I am really good with controlled fury.  It scares people into doing things.  But what if one day that control isn't there?  If I have had control this long will it remain with me?  I hope so, I really do.  When I was driving I found myself thinking of things that just fueled that fire.  People who do.  I did  a lot of deep breathing much like mediation.  It helps, that and good music.  Happy music, helps.    It truly is amazing what music can do.  When they say it soothes the savage beast they mean it!  They in fact, mean me.

You almost didn't get a post last night.  Typically I can type with the TV on in the background, there isn't much I can't tune out or in.  I spent years on a Trading Floor, 40-50 people yelling at each other while I had to write up policies or records AND listen for things I needed to jump in all over with all the yelling people too.  I have learned how to hear everything and work through it.  But it makes me crazier when I am watching something that takes more than hearing.  It's like having two heads.  One is working the other listening.  Well this CANNOT be done when you are watching House of Cards.  There are so many players and things happening in just little looks by the god that is Kevin Spacey that you have to be watching.  My husband and I had settled in last night to watch more of the show together and he said just before watching a new episode, "How did today's writing go?"  AHHHHH.  I promised you, I promised myself.  This was going to be a year of posts.  As hard as they may be to come up with.  I jumped off the couch all OCD of me, grabbed head phones and went to the dining room.  I put the radio on and started typing.  What came out was very organic yesterday actually as it had been on my mind.  It still is.  How much I hope someone I love finally changes their life.  How I hope they see they deserve more.  We had the same upbringings so I sympathize with the lack of self esteem but I know we both deserve better than they are getting.  I covered all my feelings really on that yesterday.  What I am covering today is how good that damn show is and how hard it is to have my brain.  I can write and have music going straight into my brain through headphones but if I am writing in silence and a tap is dripping I will check all 4 sinks on this floor and the under pipes as well.  I am able to hear more not less.  Just like at the gym this morning.  Had their been 20 people talking, okay and I would have heard every conversation and been okay, but one conversation, and I cannot focus elsewhere?  It's a strange brain I have I tell you. 

 *drip* *drop*

I can remember almost everything I learned in the Business I worked in for 22 years.  Phone numbers, client names and account numbers.  Trades we did, trades we didn't do, rules I tap danced all over.  But my life, the schedule of it, the order of things happening, no.  It's like each time there was a tragedy I blocked out the time, the emotions, the struggles.  I have an idea of time only when it pertains to ironies.  Had my appendix out on my 30th birthday.  They found the Strep virus in my stomach then.  The following year my iron levels were so depleted I was getting iron shots.  The shots messed with my bowels so much I had emergency surgery on April Fools Day!  I had a group of student doctors came in to check my ass really.  Imagine being on all fours on a hospital bed, having your gown drawn open only the hear the curtain draw back and, "This woman presents with? Who would like to review this case?"  Only I would have that, on April Fools Day.  Having to call my parents to the hospital and both of them were hung over more than they had almost EVER been.  My step mom had to come first my dad was so bad off!  Who has that happen to them on April Fools Day?  I had surgery later that day too!  These are the times I remember clearly and VIVIDLY.  But the in-betweens, no idea.  When I dated so and so, or so and so?  No idea.  I can guess but the years for sure, or my age, nope, no way.  There was just too much going on personally inside me to remember.  I was holding down so much emotional pain.  It took all my energy and strength to do that.  The rest was either business or too much to block.  You don't block the CDC coming into your room and announcing the Strep virus is so contagious in the form you have it you are being quarantined and a list of visitors immediately required.


Peek - a - Boo!

Sometimes I just wish I had someone else's brain.  A brain without so much history, pain, depth and then I think, I wouldn't be me.  I wouldn't be this smart, funny, deep soul who's seen enough but can handle more and has a pretty good life.  If I do say so ma'self!  Things CAN always be worse and I know that.  

Each day I try my hardest to find little saying pictures that tie in to what I am writing too you fine people.  This time I am going to post some favorites and comment on them instead.  Little switch-a-roo.  Frankly I am just too tired and lazy to do the tie in thing.  Damn it, just as I said that I think, "Your OCD won't allow this bitch".  And that little voice is right. 

I am going to dedicate the rest of today's posts to funny/meaningful saying pictures I have come across and kept.


And yet here I sit having still wondered if I am missing out on the good parts of a person who's done nothing but waste my time and hurt my hear.  Why?  

 
And to reference above, this is what she did each and every time I did anything even remotely kind or good, she put a negative spin on her opinion and re-count of it.  *sad face*

 
G-U-A-R-A-N-T-E-E-D.
I might get wishy washy about old friends but fuck with those I love (note; why am I not included there in "those I love"?) and I will rip your heart out. 


 





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