Sunday February 16th, 2014 – Day 14
Staying in bed longer and longer these days. You know what I think about in bed in the
morning? How much shorter can I make the
day if I stay in bed? Kind of sad right? It feels like I don’t have enough to do in
the day to make it go faster yet at the same time, when there’s tons to do in a
day and it’s going fast I get high then fall down a pit of depression for days
after. I need to find the balance. I just don’t know how. I “overdo it” all the time according to
friends and my husband. Whether it be
overdoing my brain or my back/spinal injury.
But that overdoing can be as simple as groceries, cooking, and cleaning. If my back is in agony, I will keep
moving. If my brain feels scattery, I
will take a few deep breaths and keep pushing through. I need to learn how to be accepting of my
limitations as they are what they are and while there might be a limit to
certain things in my life in other areas the world is limitless!
You know what’s strange and maybe some of you feel this
too? I’m ashamed to admit it. I love when my step kids come to visit but
when they do, I get really angry at my husband.
I expect a lot from him when we have his kids. I came from divorce, I know what I expected
from my parents then and I set the bar pretty high for my husband. Plus I go out of my way to do EVERYTHING for
these kids. If my husband takes an
afternoon nap while we all watch a movie, to me, he isn’t spending time with
his kids. It’s a ridiculous thought I
know. And if I am prepping dinner at the
time I get furious that I am doing things while he naps. It makes me crazy and I don’t know why. I think I feel like I am doing all the work
for kids that I didn’t push out my whoo haww.
But saying that, I love them so much.
They are a blessing to my life. I
guess I just resent when I am busting my ass for them and he isn’t. My friend told me once to knock it off when
doing stuff for the kids, that I overdo it to make sure they are happy and
entertained. She’s a Mom of two and
said, “They can feed and entertain themselves.
Shit they are more capable of entertaining themselves than we are”. She said I was trying too hard. Not to get them to love me, I know they do
and they know I do them, but to take care of them perfectly. She also said, “Perhaps you are trying to
make up for a lacking in your own childhood but you have happy, loved kids
Nicolle”. And she’s right. I do, they are.
What’s worse is, when they leave….I am a little happy they
are gone. God, I feel awful saying that
out loud but I promised I wouldn’t lie in my writing. I am happy Dan’s gone too. I am happy to be getting time to myself. And the guilt, oh it eats at me. I hate that I feel this way. Then I also feel abandoned at the same
time. I get this hole in my stomach
representing me as a kid having to go back and forth and I feel that for the
kids. I hate saying “goodbye” to
them. And then I look at Dan and I can’t
imagine how much it hurts him to drop them off.
Then they all leave and I am alone, feeling abandoned and guilty all at
the same time. Every time they leave, I
eat. ALWAYS. It doesn’t take long after they go for me to
wedge the fridge from the corner, push it into the living room and sit beside
it open door style. Vertical
Buffet. I am kidding, I don’t actually
do that. I am too lazy for all that
work. But I tilt that bitch back and eat
the feelings down until I am angry and sick I’ve eaten so much.
I know you are probably thinking to yourself by Day 14,
“this girl’s got some serious negativity in her life” but honestly, I put a
positive twist or try to, on much of everything. If I overeat to chase away feelings, I
leave that where it belongs, as a done deal I cannot undo. The fact I ate, or over eat, is not the
problem, the feelings are. I put the
food deep down and away and deal with the issue at hand, refusing to make food
part of it. I refuse to punish myself
relentlessly because of things like that.
What is the point? Do you feel better
when you beat yourself up? I don’t.
I have just started doing Pro/Con lists when I feel an OCD
emotional time coming. A check and
balance list of sorts to remind myself the negative nature of the things. To see in front of me the reason to let go,
to get rid of them. Pro/Con lists are a
great way to find the plus or minus of anything in life. If I am having a down day, I don’t or try not
to, go looking for more negativity. A few friends of course have always said I can
talk to them when I get like that, OCD and obsessed but it’s embarrassing after
a while talking about the same thing over and over. One just recently said to me, “you’ve come so
far this past year and a bit, now let this go, it’s time, enough time wasted”. And she’s right, but it also means on that
topic, she’s done hearing about it. It’s
funny because my brother, when it comes to OCD and emotionally obsessing, is
EVEN WORSE than I am. I find it very
frustrating to talk to him about things he’s obsessing about because it’s
irrational and I just want to get angry and yell, “Stop, you are better than
this”. And he is, but it’s a
disease and I have it too, hypocrite much?
The most important thing I do nowadays is, I no longer write
to anyone whom I feel has wronged me in the past. Before, not that long ago, I would keep
writing and writing someone I felt wronged me to HAVE to understand why, what,
where, who. To get them to understand their position,
their fault, accept their shortcomings, get an apology. Half the time the other side is so weighed
down by their own life and life’s history they can’t even answer the questions,
be honest or authenticate in their answer.
They can’t see past their own
nose. I divulge deep into issues, really
look at myself and figure out why I do the things I do. Not many people are ready, or ever, can do
that. It takes a great deal of strength
to say, “This is my shortcoming, it comes from here, and I will deal with it
this way from now on. I accept it, I
apologize for it. I will no longer carry
it around like a knapsack”. A lot of
times when I am trying to reach the depths of someone’s soul they don’t reply
at all leaving me guessing. Likely they
aren’t able to go that deep, or they don’t want to. Facing our stuff this way is not easy. So they go about living their lives and I
wait an answer or communication. That
activity had to stop. They can find
their authentic selves on their own, I cannot help everyone along with
this. It’s not my duty or job in
life. It’s not why I am here. Not necessarily. If people
want to live dishonestly, unauthentic, that’s their choice.
It is late afternoon now and I just had a Pilates
workout. I have a reformer at home. The workout I did would have been hard not a
month ago before I started working out at the gym. I would have been all sweaty and out of
breath, muscles screaming. I showered
anyways but I didn’t really need too.
That’s how easy it was, how in shape I am getting! At the end I even did some serious ab and arm
exercises just because I felt that under worked. YAY ME!
I am really excited about my daily workouts that are frankly, just
changing my life. I am so much
stronger. My back is feeling better most
days, my arms and legs stronger. I dance
at the gym most days to the music they play as my cardio. I used to feel too big and heavy to
dance. And I love to dance I do, it’s
just a part of me. I have always been the
one in the middle of the dance floor. I
know, I know, as a punchy person you would think a crowded dance floor not for
me but I love to get me groove on. I
just started to hate how winded and sweaty I would get. Carrying around the extra weight was a burden
so dancing was out of the question.
Until now, until I started to get fit again!
Jump to dinner time. I
have just made plans to go to the same meditation course I took last August,
this August. It’s a 4 day course
reminding us how we are NOT kind to ourselves and this course teaches you how
to be so. It reminds us all we need
breathing time in life. 2013 was my year
of acceptance and learning. 2014 my year
of advancement and learning. I starting
writing in 2013. That was a big
deal. I didn’t have the confidence before
but these course(s) (meditation and otherwise similar) have given me that. There’s a writing course in May that is held
by/with Wayne Dyer in Florida. I think I
might go to it. It’s to help you learn
how to write, edit, and publish. I need
that. I have a lot of books started, none
followed through with. I’m going to get signed up. All these are pretty big deals considering
how high I get in public at “events” and the crash that follows or the fact I
have zero follow through (being the cancel queen due to mood swings). My husband has promised I will not miss a day
of these two things. Apparently he is going
to force me to go. The mediation course
was so good for my soul and apparently I am too be the next Danielle Steele and
be the money maker at home he says. He
said and I quote, “I won’t mind if you want to make me yer bitch at home,
honest, I won’t”. *pssst* He already
is. Just don’t tell him.
What are your goals this year? Mine are to advance myself further into calm and away from mood swings, and to write, a lot. I posed a list of 15 things you could try, you up for it?
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