DBPW - Day 7

Sunday February 9th , 2014 - Day 7

Well I think it is happening as I knew it would.  I am starting to fall down the hole, the proverbial rabbit hole of depression that comes with Bi Polar.  I knew it this morning when I just couldn’t get out of bed until 10am.  Although I sleep an whopping average of 4 hours solidly a night, I don’t usually stay in bed anymore in the morning.  Its depressing to stay in bed.  I find your favorite pillow makes you cry.  It's true, it does.   I’ve started going to bed around 9pm just in the hopes maybe if I am in bed longer I will sleep.  Nope.  But to stay in bed means I am caving to the depression.

 

There is always a choice, we don't always make the best ones, sometimes we just don't give a shit.

No I do not look at my life and take it for granted.  If that were true I wouldn’t give as much as I do, energy, time, hopes, prayers and love.  My life is a blessing.  But some days, it is just so that my chemicals aren’t mixing right and I wake to “blah”.

*Twitch*  *Twitch*

 

As always this morning, I headed into town for my Timmies and then hit the grocery store for whatever meal I am making that night.  When in the store some people were all talking and laughing and, under normal circumstances, I would pipe up and shove the funniest out of the way and take over the crowd.  I think I have a secret desire to be a comedian.  A fucked up, happy one day, pissed the next, comedian.  Sound familiar?  I think most comedians suffer from a mental disease.  I just need the dope addiction and trust me, workin’ on it!  

Today watching these happy people all I did was snarl and leave.  “Shut up already you happy fucks”, I thought quietly as I put my giant Chelsea buns covered in white icing up on the check out counter.  I already knew getting out of bed things weren’t gonna be great today, the food just re-confirmed it.  I am well aware that I have choices in life and I chose that food in my cart today.  Go ahead tell me how I am making a bad day worse, I fucking dare ya!  But I also know when I awake whether I am gonna give a fuck and today, I don’t.  I ate half of them, threw out the rest and sat back on the couch wondering if I just ate the highest caloric count in history of histories then I remembered not to care.

Back to the store.  The loud lady in the store, (normally me), was talking about Sheppard's Pie mix for the meat, the seasonings.  And I know how to do that without some store bought hack shit.  I debated and debated the three times I passed her whether to tell her or not how to make a propers Sheppard's Pie.  I opted not to tell her just in case she wanted to be friends.  I’d hate to give her a recipe and then  have to tell her to bite me.  It would be so confusing for her.

It really isn't.  If you catch me on a good day, goodie for you I will entertain the shit out of you.  Otherwise, QUICK LOOK AWAY.  DON'T MAKE EYE CONTACT.

On the drive home I had the confirmation that I am spiraling down when I started obsessing about people that don’t like me or have de-friended me (in life, not on Facebook...hmmm well I guess in both) in the past few years.  Even I can’t comprehend why I can’t let it go.  I wish I could.  I would do it.  If I knew how.  When I am up, it’s easy, they disappear from my thoughts.  When I am down they come back, the “why’s”, the “who’s”, and it hurts again and again.  It’s self punishment and ridiculous.  The people in question did nothing but take from me.  Both however made me laugh I just realized.  I never felt an overwhelming desire to trust them, to run to them when the house was on fire but they made me laugh, a lot.  I think I am working towards something here.  Something's clicking into place.  They just made me laugh.  Hmmmmm.  Have any of those friends?  You enjoy but its superficial and they have/had a purpose and it's over now?

Compliments of The Bitter Stickgirl whom I worship for this cartoon alone.  I haven't seen another, this is just genius.  These are my two friends EXACTLY.  *whistle a little song*

 

Definition of a Superficial Wound:

Abrasions (grazes), superficial wounds in which the topmost layer of the skin (the epidermis) is scraped off. Abrasions are often caused by a sliding fall onto a rough surface.

 

I have mentioned before how sometimes when I drop into sadness I cover it up with temperament.  Today is a perfect example of it.  I just now I damn near threw the computer across the room as the mouse didn’t want to listen.  I would have to throw the whole computer cause it’s a laptop, the mouse built into it.  Be an expensive throw.  I wonder how far one would go if thrown like a Frisbee.  I’d ask my hubby but he doesn’t think throwing things is "adult like" behaviour.  Ass.  It's a good thing I find the image of my computer as a Frisbee as funny as I do.  *giggle*

 

I also punched a door shut, not once, but twice.  Both times it re-opened from the force of my punch.  So I punched it again.  It opened again.  Finally I just stared at it and realized the futility of it all.  *sigh*  Again, I might have sighed but it too made me laugh.  *snort* I could have stood there all day punching the door coming away with nothing but broken knuckles and a door that remained open.

 

Now these are the days I know it means I am falling down and my body says fight.  Punch shit.  Get angry.  Cover it all up.  All that being said, I DID manage to get to the store.  I did manage to get a sauce started on the stove for dinner.  I am doing “Okay”.  I’ve had worse days, I’ve had better.  I’d like everyone to just fuck off today, in this "okay day", if that’s okay. Okay?

Least I am winning in the realistic department.  I know I am fucking nuts.

 

Hubby’s home now, just said, “you don’t seem in too bad of a mood” so it’s either just starting the decline or truly is just a bad mood morning.  You never know when it will be one or the other.  No one sends you messages.  It sucks.  Through this writing I am going to try to figure out the difference between a mood and Bi Polar, and when it’s PMS and not Bi Polar.  I am going track myself and see how I fare.  I might even drop some foods from my diet and see if it helps too.  I hear foods can be very mood altering.  It's a good thing that tomorrow is gym day.  I try now to go Monday through Friday and I am doing it for three reasons and them alone.  To move, for strength, and for my mind. 

Dr. Suess was a genius.

I seem to be feeling a little better this afternoon.  Maybe it was just a mood in fact, being left alone to my own devices.  It helped that the hubby and I got down and dirty this afternoon.  Then we laid in bed and watched a movie after, which truly, warms my heart.  I needed both.  I can’t promise that I won’t be this open in all my posts but probably I will.  I really don’t care what anyone thinks when it comes to my being open and honest, you can just chose to not read it.   If my being honest helps someone open up to their partner, lover, friend, parent, or doctor, so be it.  I have no shame.  Sometimes a girl’s got to put out just to remind herself it’s a good time!  Giddy up!

The only actual thing sugar belongs on is shit and I don't spew shit.  This stuff is gold, gold needs no sugaring.

 

What do you do every day for yourselves?  Do you put out?  Do you do one thing a day to Be Kind to Yourself?  You should, do one thing that's kind to you. 

 

Don't put out every day like Brittany did......

Even Jay Leno talked about her sex life!

......shit that's a whole lot of putting out.