Wednesday February 18th, 2014 – Day 17
No gym today. Didn’t
sleep a wink last night. Was really
manic from my brother being here and feeling the need to entertain, cook and
clean. UGH! I had nightmares all night about having him
here full time and not being able to stop myself from taking care of him, which
is inevitably what I want to do, for everyone.
I should have gone to the gym, he didn’t even come over to the main
house until 11am. I could have been back
by then. I just didn’t want to feel
rushed at all, or feeling like I had too much to do. Gym, shower, be ready for company. I know that doesn’t sound like much but it is
when you no longer have to deal with a million things at one time. In crisis I am great, when faced with
multiple simple tasks I fall apart. I
could have had it all done and still had time to chill a bit but I am glad I
did it the way I did. I had lots of time
to make everyone (of course) brunch, and we hung out for a while.
Finally after staring at the TV with my brother for a couple
of hours, I said I had work to do. Truth. Bills to pay, writing to do, courses to
book. I had been staring at the pile of
things to do and my brother with anxiety building and building. The minute I said I had things to do, he up
and went out to the guest area. I felt
bad so I texted him and was honest. I
told him, “that I couldn’t handle having someone in my face all the time, so
when he moved here he would need to give my bi polar brain some space. I am crazy you know. I hurt people”. Turns out he was in here ONLY because he
thought it was rude to be visiting us and not hanging with us. He thought I might hurt him if he didn't spend time with me. Silly boy! Finally we got to the point that we both don’t
want to be in each other’s faces and he loves the space and time to himself. He can’t wait to live here and is happy to
take care of it himself. And there I sat
in the main house my head between my legs trying to breathe about having
someone else living here. LOL All it took was me talking to him. Imagine that.
Because we care about each other so much we can be honest without
repercussions. Just like me and my best
friends, Brenda, Kathy, Kimmy, and Kimmer….there is nothing we can’t say to
each other in honesty.
I was pretty spontaneous when I told my brother to move in
but I meant every word of it as did my husband.
It’s time for my big brother to start a new life. I was once told “your spontaneity in giving
of yourself is a gift to the world”. I
was at a meditation course, Mindfulness Meditation for Pain Sufferers. The grumpiest looking gal of all the people
there just turned to me and said as much when I sat down almost in her personal
space. She had kind of moved herself
into my space so I didn’t have much of a choice. A young girl was about to present her “story”
and was going to do so by singing. She
was nervous having not sang since a severe accident. I immediately spoke up and said, “What do you
need from us to do this, to have the strength to do this? Can I come sit with you and hold your hand?”
Her answer a soft, “yes please”. So I
crawled across the floor in front of 50 people from my cross legged position
and sat in front of her holding her one hand.
She was sitting in a chair. The
next thing I knew a voice from God, like Jennifer Hudson belting out Whitney
Houston, came from this small girl of maybe 18.
After a hug and tears I crawled back to my seat. That’s when my new grumpy cat faced friend
said what a gift I guess I was. During
this meditation course there were a lot of pain sufferers also in the depths of
depression because of pain. Some because
of horrible pasts. And I just gave. I had people laughing, crying, and opening
up. I did that. And in doing that I got to feel like, “look
what I have to offer the world, it’s me, all of me or just some of me, is
making a huge impact on these people”.
That’s a big deal. People
actually said, “You’ve changed my life”.
A big deal.
I was talking to my therapist today, something crazy people
do weekly and she pretty much said the same thing, that I give so often and so
fast without thought that I can and sometimes do, expense myself. My response to her was, “as long as I never
start second guessing it because of how I’ve been treated by those taking
advantage of my nature, I will always give”.
And so far, the users haven’t beat me down. What they have done is given me, taught me, I
have the right to say no. I have the
right to cancel. I have the right to adjust
my gift. I have rights in the game of
giving and taking.
Thankfully my brother doesn’t just take, he gives. He would take a bullet for me. That means something. I am the ONLY person right now I bet he can
say in all honesty without hesitation that he loves. That means something to me. That
means more than my space does.
Hmmmm, it really does.
And the breathing continues…..
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