DBPW (Diary of a Bi Polar Woman) - Day 5

Friday February 7th , 2014 - Day 5

I posted this picture below today and said, “URGENT - Be honest. Gorgeous or overweight? I will write about this I think later today. I want honest opinions. What's the first thing you think and see?”

 

The only thing I think about with this picture is beauty and germs.  I would not sit on that chair after.  We don't know where her whoooo hawwwws been.

 

I’ve received 6 "gorgeous" and/or "beautiful" and one “beauty comes from the inside and cannot speak for her beauty as I don’t know her.” 

 

And now I am writing about this.

 

I think this girl, this lady, is stunning.  Simply, utterly gorgeous. Now if she drowns puppies as a hobby I probably won't think she's all that because of her personality but appearance wise, and what the question was aiming at, a beauty.  I also think the gals that model for Penningtons and Reitman’s plus, gorgeous.  I think Mia Michaels is stunning.  Adele, even without makeup (thanks Star Magazine), beautiful.  (see below)  As far as I know none of them drown puppies either. 
 

This girl is stunning too.  And wearing germ fending off appropriate attire.

 I am her size. 

 

 I share her hair.

 

I have this exact outfit.

So why is it we women look in the mirror and think, “I could do better, I could be thinner, I could be leaner, I could be in better shape”.  I don’t, not anymore.  Granted I don’t say things like “you’re perfect and beautiful etc. but I do say things like, “look there, think those might by some obliques (holla!), and those thighs will never be “thigh gap” material but they sure be lookin’ fine.  Sometimes I bend over a bit and flex my glutes (not this week due to a glute over use injury) and I get that muscle outline, hey ya!  Sometimes it’s my great, always without work, calves.  Others, it’s my hair or skin because I am not doing the body love say 2 days before my period.  I don’t look at anything but my hair and eyes on those 2 days.  Nothing else.  I drape black cloth over all the large mirrors and use only hand held makeup mirrors.  There’s been days I have been forced to compliment my fucking eyebrows it’s been so bad.  But I am trying, just trying to be nice to myself.  As my inner arm (which by the way while big is rock hard when I flex) says, “Be Kind to Yourself”.  That saying comes from a great girl, Brittany Gibbons, Curvy Girl Guide blog and Huffington Post fame.  I just didn’t know it.  Had it tattoed and got a t-shirt from her saying the same thing in almost the same print.   My Dad was a bit of a whore, she’s probably my sister.

Here’s what I am curious about.  Does anyone else look in the mirror and think not bad then get a picture taken of themselves and want to crawl into an underpass and start freebasing drugs for a living??? I do.  I don’t know what it is about pictures but in the cameras I know, they add 412 pounds.  No shit, I do not jest. 

As you can see, for today, the bi polar is almost none existent today.  I’ve had some OCD moments and chewing my nails and the inside of my cheeks but that’s pretty normal for me honestly.  I’ve been doing that since I diagnosed myself fucking nuts.  And yes, I find it perfectly acceptable and non-insulting to call myself crazy.  I like being different.   I like having an excuse to get away with shit.  Husband, “why are all my hammers missing?”.  Wife, “I hid them for fun, don’t be mad, I have Bi Polar.  I can’t help myself.”  I do that shit allll the time.  He says he doesn’t pull pranks on me but truth be told, he’s a big fat, pants on fire, liar.  He is!  He says I am sane.  Proof positive right there folks, right there.   

So Day 5s been pretty uneventful.  Went and got my coffee this morning and an oatmeal to go with.  Got nothing free, that blew chunks.  Then I went to the grocery store to get stuff for dinner tonight.  Nice tenderloin and veggies to make a mash then decided at 3pm I wasn’t cooking dinner instead I am going to eat mini chocolate bars and perhaps some chips.  I am undecided really, check back later.   

As for me and Day 5, we’ve made friends and I feel like you probably do today.  Like everyone else.  FUBAR. 

I am going to be really frank on these updates so I need to warn you there will be times I am talking about “ending a miserable life”.  And it’s because all my days aren’t like this.  Sometimes I come so fast from a low when I feel immediately normal I think, “Do it now, end it, don’t get lost down there again.”  Some days I am so low I think about that because I can’t imagine coming out the other end of the tunnel.  And sometimes I feel so great, so high, that I never want to come down from there.  So please understand, I might be writing it but so far I am batting a 1000 like I said, I am still here and these thoughts plague people with depression, manic or otherwise, bi polar, etc.  I am not going to shy away from them.   I have had this disease my whole life, diagnosed at least 7 years ago and I am on enough meds to keep a depressed rhino from stabbing himself with his own horn.  If you are gonna read this for the next year you can’t be calling 911.  First off because you don’t know where I live and if you do let me know *ahem restraining order anyone*, and secondly I’d hate to tell the paramedic that I will do the 72 hour hold only if they promise to keep me stoned for the ENTIRE time.  That doesn’t exactly scream “short term hold”. 

So, how was your day?