Monday February 17th, 2014 – Day 15
I awoke this morning at 7am and couldn't get back to sleep. My body has been buzzing since. Like there are electrodes through my body. I suspect a high is coming. I can't figure anything else as to why I feel like this. I feel like I am going to have a panic attack. I might have to go do some yoga because I feel like losing ma' marbles and I barely contain them on a good day.
This is likely going to be a short post. I am shaky and I hate this feeling. I usually take a valium, meditate and do yoga if I am up to it. And a lot of times, bed.
I held off on bed and played cards with my husband all late afternoon upon his return from a helicopter lunch. That's right, someone picked him up by helicopter. I get so jealous and envious with this shit. Our friends are so rich, well many of them. And our kids, their uncle is a millionaire. There was a time when Dan and I were both working that we had assets well into the millions. They go fast when you are not working and now we live pay cheque to pay cheque like many others. I get a disability insurance cheque most people would love to get as a pay cheque but you have to remember I used to make twice this a month PLUS every 3 months at least 10 times my monthly pay. And Dan made a ridiculous amount of money. For him though he had a lot of debt and had to pay his ex wife amounts that are comparable to Britney Spears and K Fed so I was the one with all the savings and investment accounts. I was to the positive, he left work well into the negative. That was hard to swallow. I once had enough money I didn't worry about retirement. No more. And his friend picks him up by helicopter! No envy there.
We've tried to reduce our lifestyle but it's really hard. Our next major consideration would be to sell this property we live on. It's "in the money", meaning has value over the mortgage, and we might have to if Dan needs to be in Michigan but to sell for the purpose of having cash would break my heart. That said when you get your meter reading for Hydro and it's $2700 for the year adjustment and the month, ONLY a month, it makes you want to sell or wish for riches again.
I would go back to work tomorrow to make the kind of money I used to make but; a) I don't think that kind of money is being made anymore and, b) I am not sure these mood swings are workable through. I honestly believe I would hurt myself. I worry I would hurt someone else but working through a down slide and trying to handle stress during it would probably put my car in the lake. I've thought about it too often when not handling anything other the stress of grocery shopping so....I'd be pushing my luck.
I had a friend message me today about her obsession with why a friend hasn't contacted her and I had to laugh because it's so me. I wrote about "5 girls" about a week ago and when I looked one of the 5 up, the instigator in most cases she has blocked me on Facebook. Blocking is so rude. It's a cyberspace giving of the finger and the problem people don't realize is I don't much like getting the finger. And when I see you in person I am GOING to question you giving me the finger, two inches away your face question it. I hope you are ready bitches. I don't do well with blatant bullshit like that at all. I can't wait to see you. (Okay see it's this temper than concerns me. I want to hit something). I worry I will when I see said blockers. I am sure she read 5 girls and saw me blame her for things so she blocked my on FB OR she saw me too many times with mutual friends. I don't know. I don't block people. Both people who've blocked me are pissant woosies which makes no sense when dealing with me. Would you fuck with me?
In answer to your thoughts my friend who messaged me today, I KNOW I am better off without some friends in my life, and I have ripped their heads off and I still wonder why they don't like me. When you are not raised by parents making it their duty to solidify your self worth then you become deep down in the core insecure. You want those you don't even like to like you. It's a ridiculous concept. "Those you don't like to like you?" Really? Not only can you list why you don't like them or why they aren't good for you but you wish they'd still like you so it wouldn't hurt?
Sometimes the friend is just busy and you think to yourself, "they hate me cause they didn't respond". When you push the matter they finally reply and then you think to yourself, "they said they were very busy and you pushed the matter like it was alllll about you, their world should be about you, DAMN IT". You can't seem to go right when you are assuming, ASSUMING, things about your friends. Don't put pressure on it, just call when you want to talk and if you don't want to talk, don't talk. If we all acted that way and didn't assume anything no one would get hurt.
I think this is all I have in me today. I hope it's helped. Night folks, much love. BPW
This is likely going to be a short post. I am shaky and I hate this feeling. I usually take a valium, meditate and do yoga if I am up to it. And a lot of times, bed.
I held off on bed and played cards with my husband all late afternoon upon his return from a helicopter lunch. That's right, someone picked him up by helicopter. I get so jealous and envious with this shit. Our friends are so rich, well many of them. And our kids, their uncle is a millionaire. There was a time when Dan and I were both working that we had assets well into the millions. They go fast when you are not working and now we live pay cheque to pay cheque like many others. I get a disability insurance cheque most people would love to get as a pay cheque but you have to remember I used to make twice this a month PLUS every 3 months at least 10 times my monthly pay. And Dan made a ridiculous amount of money. For him though he had a lot of debt and had to pay his ex wife amounts that are comparable to Britney Spears and K Fed so I was the one with all the savings and investment accounts. I was to the positive, he left work well into the negative. That was hard to swallow. I once had enough money I didn't worry about retirement. No more. And his friend picks him up by helicopter! No envy there.
We've tried to reduce our lifestyle but it's really hard. Our next major consideration would be to sell this property we live on. It's "in the money", meaning has value over the mortgage, and we might have to if Dan needs to be in Michigan but to sell for the purpose of having cash would break my heart. That said when you get your meter reading for Hydro and it's $2700 for the year adjustment and the month, ONLY a month, it makes you want to sell or wish for riches again.
I would go back to work tomorrow to make the kind of money I used to make but; a) I don't think that kind of money is being made anymore and, b) I am not sure these mood swings are workable through. I honestly believe I would hurt myself. I worry I would hurt someone else but working through a down slide and trying to handle stress during it would probably put my car in the lake. I've thought about it too often when not handling anything other the stress of grocery shopping so....I'd be pushing my luck.
I had a friend message me today about her obsession with why a friend hasn't contacted her and I had to laugh because it's so me. I wrote about "5 girls" about a week ago and when I looked one of the 5 up, the instigator in most cases she has blocked me on Facebook. Blocking is so rude. It's a cyberspace giving of the finger and the problem people don't realize is I don't much like getting the finger. And when I see you in person I am GOING to question you giving me the finger, two inches away your face question it. I hope you are ready bitches. I don't do well with blatant bullshit like that at all. I can't wait to see you. (Okay see it's this temper than concerns me. I want to hit something). I worry I will when I see said blockers. I am sure she read 5 girls and saw me blame her for things so she blocked my on FB OR she saw me too many times with mutual friends. I don't know. I don't block people. Both people who've blocked me are pissant woosies which makes no sense when dealing with me. Would you fuck with me?
In answer to your thoughts my friend who messaged me today, I KNOW I am better off without some friends in my life, and I have ripped their heads off and I still wonder why they don't like me. When you are not raised by parents making it their duty to solidify your self worth then you become deep down in the core insecure. You want those you don't even like to like you. It's a ridiculous concept. "Those you don't like to like you?" Really? Not only can you list why you don't like them or why they aren't good for you but you wish they'd still like you so it wouldn't hurt?
Sometimes the friend is just busy and you think to yourself, "they hate me cause they didn't respond". When you push the matter they finally reply and then you think to yourself, "they said they were very busy and you pushed the matter like it was alllll about you, their world should be about you, DAMN IT". You can't seem to go right when you are assuming, ASSUMING, things about your friends. Don't put pressure on it, just call when you want to talk and if you don't want to talk, don't talk. If we all acted that way and didn't assume anything no one would get hurt.
I think this is all I have in me today. I hope it's helped. Night folks, much love. BPW
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