DBPW - Day 80 "ahhhh it's just PMS right?"

All the forms are in.  I await to hear how soon I can get into a center where my mental wellness will be priority by a team of people.  My health and wellness will be put first for the first time in my life for more than an OHIP sponsored 10 minute doctor's appointment or 50 minute shrink appointment where the solution is, drugs.  Where I am not told, "she's not likely to hurt herself when no one's around, she wants attention".  I do like me some attention but I am pretty sure that if I put this out there people should be concerned.  It's just me I guess.  

I have wicked PMS.  I truly believe this peri-menopausal PMS added to Bi Polar is just more than any one person should have to deal with.  My cramps are killing me.  I am crying to the sound of sad music on a commercial and I want to eat, well everything.

I hope, okay when, I go to this center I MUST be there through a period.  Because most stays are 30 days chances are they are going to witness and see what I feel during this time and its inhumane.  It's a cruel joke to feel like NOTHING in life is important enough to keep you on the planet.  I see a yellow flower, my favorite, I don't care during that week.  I see my husband smile at me a certain way, I don't care during that week.  The dog wants to kiss my face off during that week....okay I still care but the difference is, in the past when we talked about this, my leaving for a center I wouldn't go for the dog.  I needed to stay home with my puppy.  Now, I know I come first before my furry child.  I come before my husband and for the sake of my step kids I need this time for their sakes.

Pray for me, pray I get in and life becomes better, no, that life becomes easier to deal with.  I don't want to feel death looming over me once a month, please.

When this antsiness comes over me and I feel lost, that's one of my problems but it's in my head.  I have to feel like life isn't so difficult, I need to get this straight at this center.  The other problems I have solutions for, they might be scary.  They might be hard.  They might be big changes, but they are all solvable problems.  I just haven't figured out how to turn off my brain. 

Meditation may have to be picked back up.  The voices they are a loud, I need to non judgementally kick their asses to the curb.  There's enough going on up here.