Friday, April 4, 2014

DBPW - Day 61 Allergies, sick, either or bleck

Good afternoon ya'll.  Suddenly I am southern. 

Must be the flu.  It's taken me down and changed my Canadian accent to southern USA.  That or allergies.  I've heard allergies can screw with a girls accent.

I just found out today that the greyish crust on snow at this time of year is actually mould.  Sometimes it's a pink colour on the snow and grass.  It's not just dirt, it's mould.  And I am allergic to mould.  I always forget how shitty allergies make you feel, you think you are sick.  Now that said I woke up this morning and was so achy and sore in my joints I considered, just for a minute, peeing the bed instead of getting up.  Then I remembered my OCD and imagined cleaning that out of a Tempurpedic and off I went running, okay limping, to the loo.

Where did Too Da Loo, short form "Toodles" come from?  I went "to the loo"????? 

 means :- goodbye

From the French tout a l'heure. Meaning see you later.
bye for now, too-da-loo

I had to check.  It was gonna make me crazy otherwise.

Today's posting is going to be based on uplifting posts people have made to Facebook.  This is solely so I don't have to comment there but can fill a post here.  I am not stupid when I don't feel well, my mad genius comes out.  I get to make a whole post out of other people's Facebook postings.  Come on now.  Easy Peasy back to bed and one too many NeoCitrins.

 
This is so very true.  A guy needs to stand out to us.  Make us feel like the same road we've been down with all the others will be different with this man.  That life will be that much more fun, exciting and yet safe, happy yet able to take the downs.  That life will not be the same with this man.  That's all that happens.  That makes a girl want that particular man.  It's very organic.  I remember two things about meeting my husband, one was him saying, "Is all this superficial attention actually working for you?" (perhaps I was flirting a bit at a hockey tournament, perhaps) and a text from him saying, "I've been in love with you since the first day you spoke to me".  That was it.  The courage for him to say both to a hard ass like me made him the biggest, strongest, most appealing man to me ever.  There was no hesitation on his part to lay it out there.  *sigh*  I could have thought "you wuss" and probably in the past would have.  But by the time Dan came along I had enough of the bad boys, I wanted a man.  And there he was, right there before me. 
 
Please remember the strongest of men say "I love you" and mean it, they don't avoid the words.  They don't avoid showing love.  They are present enough in the relationship to say the words and mean it.  That takes strength.   
 
 
For a long time people told me to let go of my past.  I didn't have the best upbringing.  Everyone kept saying things like "you are 30, get over it".  I wasn't sure how.  It wasn't until I let myself feel every ounce of the pain at the time I didn't allow myself to feel was I able to put it past me.  It wasn't until I understood that everything that happened in my life wasn't "BECAUSE OF ME" but just what happened, was I able to work on putting it past me.  I don't mean to make light of anything but I was raped at 19.  A guy I invited home let a friend into my bed when I had passed out.  For years I made that about me, my being a drunk, my inviting them there, what I wore, etc etc.  I didn't make it about them and that's all that was about.  Two bad guys doing a nasty thing to me.  It had nothing to do with me.  I could have been anyone in that situation and they would have done that.  It meant nothing about me, not before or after.  It was about them.  Once I realized that, behind me it went, filed away in my past under "assholes" not rape.  I was able to completely change the way my mind saw it but not until I felt it alllll over again.  You cannot avoid feeling things in the moment and not expect it to come back to you.  It has to.  It has to be felt, lived, sorted and then it can be put behind you.  So all these sayings of "don't think, toss behind you" are wrong.  You must live in your own story to turn the page.   Once you have turned the page though, try not to look back at all.  It's done now.  Don't let it define the next page.  Just don't.  Understand that things that happen to us 9 times out of 10 have nothing to do with who we actually are, they are just things that happened.
 
 
Because I am so incredibly strong I am able to push aside my Bi Polar symptoms until the circumstances of life allow them to come out.  Sometimes they can catch me off guard.  Last summer I had to bail on a dinner with my family including my in laws and kids, I just couldn't breathe.  It was too much.  I needed to cry and be down for a bit so I laid in bed and let it out until they got home.  By then I had allowed enough out to get a grip.  I was able to be honest and say, "I was down, and tired is all" which is the truth, I was.  But because of this strength, people often overlook me.  Overlook how much I might need love and help.  I've often spoken of a group of girls that surrounded me in my youth who haven't been as of late, not very present let's say.  They took sides in a situation basically because one side showed weakness while one (me) did not.  That's on me.  That wasn't honesty on my part.  I showed them what I wanted everyone to see.  I was not being authentic.  I have learned who to be authentic with and whom I shouldn't bother.  I've also learned that you will lose people you may have otherwise not wanted to lose when inauthentic.
 
 
I am still working on this.  I've said it before, in a mirror, at 250 pounds I see muscle and some chunky monkey on top of it.  And I have basically accepted it and am falling back in love with myself.  However, that said, when someone takes a picture I am unable to register I look the way I look.  I don't know why.  Perhaps I am lying to myself in the mirror but even then, that means I am looking at myself and saying, "you are beautiful" (and that's a lie?) and when a picture is taken I am unable to do that?  I don't think so.  I think that I am trying so hard to love myself again it's different.  A picture someone else sees, it's what others see of me.  In the mirror I see only myself and I don't worry about others as much.  And that, my friends, is how one falls in love with themselves.  Stop worrying about others. 

 
I so believe this.  As I said earlier,

- if I hadn't dated dogs I never would have married my husband.
- if I hadn't accepted my past I never would have made it to this new enlightened space.

You must fight through the bad to find the good, it's just how life works.  Nothing good can come from that.  WRONG.  Only good can come from that. 


This mantra is a good one.  If you love yourself you will eat food of a decent nature but without a ton of restrictions.  Don't burden yourself with anything other than loving your body and what it does for you every single day.   Moving is part of your everyday, when you stop moving your body will let you know with more aches and pains than possible to take it seems.   It's telling you to move, to stretch, to strengthen, to love.  Do not call yourself things like "fat, stupid, ugly, unlovable" because the association of those words will only make you think it so.  In calling yourself beautiful and smart, lovable and kind, you will actually learn to love yourself.  If you can do it for reals trying pretending and one day you may wake up actually believing it.  Try it, can't hurt. 


You cannot get what you don't actually want, that you aren't willing to ask for, work for, prepare for.  If you don't step towards what you want you will not get it. 

It's really simple math.  2 plus 2 more = 4 more.....go for more. 

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