Saturday, April 19, 2014

DBPW - Day 76 UH OH.... :(

Sadly as I write this I now know I won't likely be able to get 365 days in a row to you.  I am heavily sedated as I type as I had a Bi Polar rapid cycling low (if that's even what I have) psychotic break this morning.  We were on our way to CAMH (Center for Addiction and Mental Health) when the sedative kicked in and I was able to convince my therapist I have no thoughts of death right now but I need to get better medicated/treatment ASAP.  The system is failing me dreadfully. 

For the past 12 hours I have fought off this feeling of dread and despair only to crash this morning into the abyss.  I have been there before and written to you about it, sadly today, for all those I know who share in this, I cannot be the words of wisdom as I am just too low and sedated.  I assume by next week I will be checking into a program and hopefully stay for 30 days until this can be at least managed better.  Perhaps this heavy sedation is the route but I hope not.  Staying in bed all day barely able to life my head doesn't seem like a life. 

Wonder if they will let me go to my writing course?

For now, I will try to keep writing but I may not physically have access to anything but a pen and paper on which I will journal and perhaps catch you up.  I know I will be here for a few more days at least.  We tried to do this program route before and it's very time consuming and very expensive but my husband had enough this morning.  He has refused to allow me to unpack my overnight (psyche ward) bag for fear I fall off the proverbial wagon again.  I feel for him.  He loves me so and hates to hear me speak of such dark thoughts.

I love you all for reading and staying with me on this journey.  I know I will come out the other end of this a brighter, happier, more educated woman.  Today, right now.  I will just focus on the next hour. 

xo Nicolle

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