Riley

This is all from Riley’s perspective.  My dog.  It’s a “Day in the life of…” or “The Life of…” sorta thing.  Please say everything in a floppy dog slightly French hoity yet dopey accent.  He is a Briard after all, French Sheep Herder.

Yes, I am as big, regal and beautiful as you think I am.  It's tough being me.

Oh, hey, didn't see you there, escusee moi, got a little itch.  What do you mean you can't reach "down there"?  What do you do then?  I get an itch, I scratch it, little nibble here, there and anywhere.  I am a dog, king dog to you, but a dog none the less.  I am sorry you aren't able to do that.  Wow, I don't think I'd make it as a human.  I mean, no itching?  I lick, cause well, I can. 

I have a few humans.  They are okay.  I have them pretty well trained so far.  I think they were put on this earth to do stuff for me, because it's like ALWAYS happening.  All the time. 

Let me tell you a little about myself…SQUIRREL!!!!!!!

…..Hi again, where was I?  That one was fast.  Did you see me chasing it, did ya, did ya, did ya?  You didn't notice when the snow got too deep and I fell on my face did you?  Wipe some of that snow off would you please?  No.  Fine.  I gave you ample chance.  There was a warning in there, I made it clear.  *shake here* *shake there*.  Ahhhh, that's better.   That snow didn't have to lay all over the floor, I asked for your help.  I expected you to read my mind.

I am right here, wipe it off or else....

Which chair, which chair shall I chose…perhaps the couch, no, a chair, leather or cloth?  Hmmm I am wet so really the cloth chair would be the better choice.  Ahhh yes, the cloth one is good, it’s soaking up all my wet fur.  Man I love the smell of wet fur in the morning.  I could lick my wet paws all day long.  Why, oh why, are you yelling “paw” at me Momma?  Yes, I am licking my paws.  You are indeed correct.  You humans are so smart. 

I see nothing wrong with this and have no idea why you find this so funny. 

SQUIRREL!!!!!….damn, almost caught that one.  If it weren’t for that same damn spot I fell in my face last night I’da had him.  I could see him a minute ago as clear as day in that thing of yours.

He was right here, in here....damn it....

…where was I, oh right….what’s that stomach?  You’re hungry you say.  Okay let’s see what we can get this human to do for us.  Hi, You, I am right here.  Yes I am aware I am blocking your view.  I know I am staring, don’t stare back at me, you know how I hate that.  Damn it, I have to look away, I cannot stand it when you stare.  Fine!  Here I come.  How you like dem apples, all 110 pounds in your lap!  Got the message yet?  I am hungry.  Maybe if I lick your face endlessly you will get the gist of this message.  Why are you asking me if I am hungry?  Yes I am!  Clearly that message has been sent and received.  What’s with the need for confirmation?  See my tail waggin’?  You got it right sista’, I be hungers.

Feed me....

Feeeeeeeed me....

Yeah, that’s the stuff Mom, fill that bowl.  Oooops there’s the drool again, thank god for this beard of mine.  Fill that bowl.  Yummy yummy, can’t wait.  Oh yeah, put it down, put it down, put it down.  Oh yummy yummy yummy.

Hey, don’t touch that!  I WILL lick the bowl until my tongue hurts, what’s it to you? Decisions, decisions.  I am finished.  I usually get a cookie when I am done but am I thirsty first?  Hmmm, we are all here paying attention, maybe I should drink, get the beard wiped off then have my cookie.  No no, that’s just silly.  Wipe the food outta ma’ beard Mom…cooookie coooookie cookie…..nom nom nom.  Oh…are you going about other business now?  Good, I will drink then.  I know how you love a dog beard full of water, like a river all over the kitchen.  You know you like it.  Don’t lie.  I am here.  Over here.  Come on lady I am dripping wet.  Well then fine.  Hi Momma, that’s right the beard I am currently rubbing against your leg is wet.  I tried to warn you.  You can’t blame me.  It’s your own fault. 

I guess I should go outside now.  I am quite full.  I love this door I have.  I mean I liked it much more when the humans had to get up and open the door for me but it’s quite handy to go outside on my own whenever I want.  But to be honest, “things” are piling up out here.  What is it, 5 acres for me to go on?  That doesn’t leave me many options so I am gonna go right outside the door, down the steps a few feet and leave it right there for you to get it okay Mom?  Why are you not getting this?  There’s this white stuff everywhere, I love it, but ma’ bidness is being hidden a bit here, if you don’t hurry you might miss it again.  I know how you love the spring clean up and that too, again, not my….

SQUIRREL…..

…not my fault. As I was saying.

*whew*  Outta breath.  Changed tactics this time.  Wiped out much earlier.  Perhaps I am getting too old…. Just missed it, by “that” much.

TOY!!!!! 

Wow I haven’t seen this toy since……….earlier today.  YAY TOY!  Whoo whoo.  OMG Mom’s gonna love this.  I have to bring it in right now.  Covered in the white stuff.  Me and the toy.  Mom’s gonna love it.  Now, to get it through my door.  Okay I can do this.  Straight through, nope.  Okay turn the head a little this way, nope.  Okay this way, nope.  Damn this toy.  Stupid toy.  I can’t believe my intelligence is being dictated by a fuzzy toy.

BALL!!!!!  Whooooooo whooooo!  And it’s a whole one I haven’t eaten yet. 

I don’t know what that thing is you are forever clickety clacking on but here’s my ball!  Exciting isn’t it?  What’s that face for?  That clickety clack thing doesn’t like drool and the white stuff?  Or balls?  It doesn’t like balls?  But balls are great.  Oh that’s right Momma throw that thing.  Down the hall I go, where did it go, where did it go, where did it…..oh no.  It’s in that room I don’t go in often, behind that thing I believe other dogs drink from, how uncivilized….Mom, MOM! *bark* *BARK*  That’s a girl Mom, this is your duty to save me from things like this.  I don’t want to go in there.  Thanks Mom, yer the…..

OMG it's a ball, I HAVE A BALL, it's a ball....

SQUIRREL!

Damn did you see that epic failure?  That carpet at my door slipped and I took a header into the door.  That sucked.  The squirrel got away and now my head hurts.  There’s a good Momma, rub that spot, you should really give me a cookie, you almost lost me there.  Thanks Mom, yer the best, really.  Nom nom nom.

Damn it, it’s been a long day.  I should rest now.  What time is it?  Jeez Louise, it’s 930am, I have been up for an hour already at least.  Yeah it’s nap time. 

Simply Exhausted!!!!