Driving 101 - You're welcome.

I am here to teach, to educate, to help everyone learn about stuff.  And today's stuff is driving. 

I live in the country but every so often I have to head into Toronto.  And it's a fucking nightmare, for me, and anyone around me.  I am not exactly quiet about my opinion of other humans and their driving skills.  I am not quiet in the moment or quiet about sharing my thoughts on Facebook.  I am just a lot louder about it in person.

I am going to go over the basics, from start to finish.  If I miss anything please let me know and I will then cover that topic.  I am all about being thorough.

Where should we start?  There are so many.  I will start with a few personal stories.  For your amusement I have included pictures as well.

One day after a long day of work I came up to a light at a 4 way crossing stop lights.  There it was, the no left turn lane and there it was, a Mercedes with it's left turn light on.  NO!  Let me help you with this idea, NO! *HONNNNK*  Oh really, you don't see that big no left turn sign, let me help you again, NO! *HONNNNNK*.  It was at this point a woman on the corner that appeared to be an actual hippy from the 60s with red lidded eyes and a smile only indicative of a pot smoker yelled out, "breathe, enjoy the day, why the honking lady, just enjoy the day".  To which I replied, "listen you pot smoking tax payer drain do not speak to me about breathing unless you want to stop the aforementioned activity.  What this car is trying to do is not only illegal but a pain in my ass so shut up before I get out of this car and......".  It ended as the guy ahead of me, a man of course, finally caved to my honking and went straight.  I was surprised he caved, men don't usually, their egos rely on making an illegal "fuck you all" turn. 

I think you get the idea, when the left turn arrow is crossed out it means, "no please" or as I like to say, "don't fucking do it, don't....."

I decided around 35 that no matter who or what, I would not allow another human being to see a construction site or parked car and race up to it to try and get ahead of all the rest of us.  When I am in the proper line waiting patiently, how dare you try to get ahead of me?  How dare you bud basically?  Are we children who may not know better?  No we are not.  So I will always, after seeing the first car pull this off move my car over just enough to be half in the merge lane and half into my lane.  When you honk at me, I will wave politely with a smile because you are honking to bud ahead of me and it pleases me so not to allow it I am actually having fun.  The more you honk the happier I get. 

We both know you can see the construction, don't pretend otherwise.  If you can't see it, perhaps you are blind therefore driving isn't wise.  I am pretty sure the roads are not braille.

Oh how I love to do this.  Honking, what honking??? I hear no honking?  Oh that, must be geese.

Don't see that parked car either?  Glasses, contacts, a punch in the face?  Any of those help?

 

When I am on the ramp to merge onto the highway, I can see you in the slow lane coming up behind me.  It is obvious to me and you, when you pick up speed to pass me.  I don't know why you need to do it risking both our lives.  I have only so much room asshole so I either have to speed up using my turbo, to get ahead of you or slam on the brakes risking someone back ending me.  I will speed up and for the record I have ZERO issues speeding up "just enough" to get ahead of you and scare the living shit out of you.  If you want to play who drives faster/chicken I will go for it.  I don't have a death wish but my overwhelming need to make you shit yourself is stronger than my self preservation.

Move over or I will park my car in your passenger seat.  "Why hello, mind if I change the music?"

When traffic ahead of me is stopped and I am looking at someone wanting to turn left from the other side of the lanes, I will stop.  There is no where to go, traffic is stopped.  I will let you turn left.  When cars continue up the lane beside me with no regard for the fact I am stopped to let you in, I tend to get angry.   Where are you racing too?  The ass end of the car waiting ahead of you?  Are you a dog?  Do you feel it necessary to have your head up the ass of another car???  *sniff sniff*

This may be a confusing drawing but I am basically allowing someone to turn left in front of me and the cars on the outside are still going.  Why?  Because they are fucktards, that's why.

The inside lane of ANY highway is referred to as the passing lane.  It's not the fast lane, it's the passing lane.  It's sometimes called the fast lane in error because you had better be the fastest person in the lane.  That lane should never have cars in it, travelling continuously on it.  It is the lane you use to pass a car not travelling as fast as you in the middle or outside lane.  The Americans seem to do this better than we do.  I only guess that by the number of times I honk or throw on the high beams in Canada versus the USA.  It boggles my mind when someone is doing 110 km/hr in the fast lane.  My high beams are on, I honk and you are oblivious.  It's not funny like when I block you from budding.  I am not try to bud in line, I am trying to be the fastest car on the road, that's it, that's all.  If you do not move I will get close enough that you will be able to smell my perfume.  Got it?  I will ride yer ass like a homo at sailor week in New York.  Giddy up!  (I love me some homos, you are allowed to say that word when you love them).

There are big giant yellow signs now over the highway with notices like "Traffic slow beyond this point" or "Seat belts save lives" or "That's the passing lane asshat".

Just another example; the left = asshats, the right = well done. 

100 KMS/HR Posted Speed Limit.

= 100 kms = SLOW LANE
= 120 kms = MIDDLE LANE
= over 120 to pass OBVIOUSLY. 
It's not rocket science. Really it isn't.  Your car even tells you your speed.  I would like newer cars to say, "move the fuck over dumb ass".

60 KMS/HR Posted Speed Limit.

= 70-75 = normal travelling speed.

Maximum Speed Limits do not mean you have a choice.  In an 80 KMS/HR zone you do NOT have the right to go 60.  You will cause an accident with the number of frustrated people needing to pass you.  I will honk then pull up beside you to inform you of the speed limit.  In these situations I am often polite as possible to avoid your frightened ass from driving right into me. 

Said politely as possible considering the circumstances.

If you sit in your vehicle and you are staring directly at your dash board, you are too short.  Do Not Drive.  The people that have to sit forward in their seats to reach the steering wheel, and pedals.....and are so scared they are shaking, should NOT be driving.  End of story.  There is no shaking in driving and you must be able to see!  Kind of a requirement that vision thing.

Unless you are Superman then you can see through your steering wheel.  If you are Superman you should be flying and not making more traffic though really.  Get off the roads you selfish ass what more do you want?  To drive, to fly, to walk, to run.  There's a commitment in there, make it.

That's all I have thus far.  I hope this has helped the uneducated and humoured the opposite.

Any great driving stories to share?  I love a good story about stupid people.