Dads

Being a 70s child I can remember my Dad and all the others wearing what can only be termed as, "too snug" shorts, "too short" shorts, but not Speedos thank god.  All of the Dads outside at either their boats, cars or BBQs.  We all grew up at a beach in the summer so this is what I remember.  And of a dear friend, one born in January to my June, her father was my summer Dad too.  I remember the best BBQs, the BEST sauce in all the land, always homemade, and that's the BBQ sauce and the pasta sauce.  He was at the grill all day roasting slowly but always with great gusto.  Did he have personality?  In spades, he sure did.  Do I know the entire family history?  I do not.  Have I asked, on occasion but I am not disclosing anything here, not about my Dad or my friends.

Parents are not perfect and kids get to run around with their arms wrapped around their scars pointing fingers saying things like, "I can't love because of you".  "I can't trust because of you".  Well you can, you just feel like holding on to those things.  You are scared and you want to blame someone.  You are unhappy so blame the Mom who left you for adoption, because it defined your world.  Does it have to?  No, it doesn't.  Science says babies who don't get their Mom's love immediately know it. Then they get a new Mom who swoons and loves, so doesn't the baby forget and typically live a happy childhood?  Yes they do.  It's only until we grow up and face life, life's choices, life's decisions, and sadness or happiness that we turn and say, "You did this and that's why I am me".  *finger pointing* No, you are you, because you chose to be you.  You can chose to be another version of you if you just let go of your past.

To say my friend and I, had ideal fathers, nope.  I had one full of all the answers to questions I didn't ask but in a pinch he was the emergency king, typically saying all the wrong things to me, but scaring anyone fucking with me.  And my friends Dad?  What a personality.  I haven't seen him in years but when I did I just wanted a beer and to watch a game with him, he was "that" kind of guy.  And the sauce was always on, and he always let me sneak a taste.  I have Italian friends but this guy, wow.  King of the sauce.  My friend and I should have long ago jarred that shit and made millions.  I remember exactly where and when I saw him last and I can taste and smell the sauce.  Isn't it funny how we can associate tastes and smells to time.

My friends Dad died last week.

I was taken aback.  It had been so long since I'd seen him, since he had moved far away.  I wasn't sad per say, tears didn't come until today, a week later.  I immediately thought of my friend.  That was her Daddy.  I reached out with all the words and knowledge I think I have within me to say the right things.  I am ready to take on any chore or job needed for the funeral.  I head out to her Thursday, she arrives Wednesday.   She's got one day to settle in and then I won't leave her side.  I don't want to be far from her side.  She will need things, and I do things, well.  Also, I think I know what she is feeling.  I think.

I had a huge fight with my husband last week.  It was regarding a parenting decision he'd made that I thought failed his kid.  I barked out in the middle of the argument, "you failed as a Dad on this one".  I regretted saying it, but I felt it, so out it came.  Much like the turrets I seem to have when I am emotional.  My husband luckily is not only a forgiving man but also knows when to admit he's wrong.  He knew he was in fact wrong and thankfully he forgave my harsh words.  As a team we made a game plan to take the issue on.  Team work.

Today my husband walked into the room and I asked, "Why am I so angry?"  He tiptoed a little closer and said, "don't be mad but you are upset because of your friend's Dad dying before he had the chance to be a better father and you are mad because you think your Dad will do the same and you are worried I will too to my kids.  It's all too much Dad failing right now and it's hurting you.  You know I won't fail as a Dad.  We both know that.  But it scares you and it makes you feel less attracted to me.  You want the big strong perfect father as your husband and I am him, I am just not entirely perfect.  I will make mistakes.  And finally, you are your friend, you know it.  You know when you get to her side you will look at each other, see into each others eyes the sadness and disappointment and you both are going to fall apart.  It scares you, you are going to feel very vulnerable.  But it is what you like to say, "It is what it is, until it isn't.  And you my beautiful loving strong wife will be okay". 

I cried.  I cried for every girl who didn't get the full Dad experience.  I cried for my friend trying to figure out why she is or isn't crying, depending on the moment.  I cried for the fight with my husband.  And this Saturday, I will cry for the man who had such an impact on my memory growing up.  My American Dad I liked to call him.

Tears are an okay thing, they won't hurt you.  They're especially great when you figure out where they are coming from and why. 

Let 'er rip.