When I was 20, I got pregnant. I thought about keeping the baby, I did. I told my family and they lost it on me, they made me realize how much my life would change, how the direction would completely alter. That kids mean a lot but was I ready to be completely unselfish, to give myself entirely to another person. Trust me that one hit home because my parents NEVER put themselves second. They just didn't know how with the trauma of divorce. It was them, then us, my brother and I. It was in that moment I decided not to have a baby. I may have decided in that moment, not to have babies at all. Now that I think of it, I did. At 20 years old, while I fantasized about marrying the first boy I loved and having his babies I think I knew, my life had a long way to go before I would ever consider bringing a child into it. I had living to do.
After moving on past my first love I ended up practically engaged to a man, a decent enough guy, cute, a country boy. I was gonna live in the country with horses on property he purchased up near my family cottage. We designed a house together and when it came time to do the banking to see that through my heart stopped and I knew. I didn't want to live in the country, I didn't want to marry this guy, I didn't want to build this house. I talked again to my parents and my father said, "I am glad you have finally realized this relationship has all been about rebounding from your first love and you lost yourself in it", and I had. It ended that night.
I went on in my career to do some pretty amazing things. I became the first successful Compliance (rules and law) Officer to sit ON a trading floor in North America. Until my assistant, I was the only female to ever do the job. I was the first Compliance Officer to speak at an event with 1-2 thousand traders. And probably if I had to guess the only CO with a clean trading desk for more than 5 years running. No findings by a regulator in their standardized reviews! While all that was great, none of it was making me happy. I cycled in and out of happiness taking it out on all those around me and I left my job. I knew I was on my way out long before this happened and it was tragedy that struck that made it clearer. It made me see the toxicity of my environment and how much I wanted to live life to the fullest extent and not be held back by a job that was taking 16 hours of my days, often more that 5 days a week.
For a long time I sat on the trading desk next to a girl named CC. Her full name was Caroline and she was a character. She was balls out emotional, smart, dedicated to improving the world (aka tree hugger), and she lived life to the FULLEST. She and I sat next to each other for a few years, a lot of years. When she was late I used to ask her if she got distracted hugging trees on the way into work or got busy making granola? "Which was it girl? Rescue a small child or animal? Protest something?" For quite some time I sat right beside her, then within paper ball tossing space of. I used to take messages, crumple them and throw them at her. I was all about helping her stay sane! She was an assistant and the guys she worked for made her crazy and rightly so. They wanted her to be perfect and she and I were both smart enough to know they weren't, and we weren't, so the bar was set way too high. What was special about our relationship was that CC had epilepsy and for some reason she found great comfort in having me nearby during or after a seizure. As a kid I had seizures, from fevers and medications, I would go in and out of them. It happened on and off for years. My Dad would get a cold cloth and hold it on my face and just calmly talk to me so when I was in throws I could hear him and feel the cloth, it almost pulled me out, but it definitely calmed me. Often when it happened, when CC had one, I was either by her side with that cold cloth or we would talk often, after. I was always checking on her because I felt a little responsible for taking care of her when she was at my side. I remembered how awful and scary those times were for me as a kid and I wanted her to be comforted, to receive the comfort I got. I think I brought that to her. I hope I did. I will never forget the email I received in Arizona while I was on vacation, the weekend of CCs birthday. She had a big seizure and it had taken her life. I was stunned. Not only because it was an email but because I wasn't nearby to help, I wasn't there to comfort her. What if she needed me and I wasn't there? My soon to be husband and I flew home.
I had always been friends, friendly, with CCs sister, her younger sister. And for some reason, we bonded, a lot during this time, we just were pulled to each other. It was during this time I realized how unimportant my job was, how unimportant I was. Life can do that sometimes. Open your eyes. I think I became a bit of a rock for CCs sister. We became very close. We talked all the time. Almost always on texts which allowed us to spill our guts, being more honest in them then we could be otherwise. She often made surprise visits to me just stare to off into the distance and ponder life. And I let her. I could never fill that gap, ever. I was no CC but what I think I did was stand where she stood and I created a shadow where there wasn't one to see anymore. Allowing her sister to feel not so alone. I adopted her and her father, and they me. I was no CC but as Nicolle, I was a distraction at best. I can be a handful. LOL
When it came time for marriage, there was no place I would rather have been than at the helm of CCs sisters wedding. I had already planned my own wedding and another friends. All that came out of my mouth when she told me she was getting married was, "I got this". Once her soon to be hubby and I had bonded I was approved to go. And got this I had. It was the perfect outdoor late summer wedding with little reminders of CC all over their family property. Nothing was too overwhelming to cause unhappiness or mourning but touches to remind everyone CC was there. I was exhausted that night and after the speeches, dancing to CCs song and my lighting up a tree in memorial I cried in the arms of my best friend who had come to work for me at the wedding. I cried and I cried. I was so glad she was there because those tears were not to be shared with CCs sister on her big day, no way, no how. The tears were simply because I wanted CC there to see how beautiful her sister was and the job I had done. I wanted her there, I wanted her happy and to tell me how much she loved it as only SHE could. It just hit home she wasn't there. To say it was a perfect day otherwise is an understatement. Her sister was stunning and perfection.
And this brings me to today's post title, babies. CCs little sister had a baby. I had said I was going to camp out in the hospital but she didn't let me. Good thing to because I can be a real asshole when things don't go the way they should, which happens often in childbirth. I likely would have gotten myself kicked out of the hospital. And I already told you I AM a handful. As if she needed that around too while trying to push a watermelon out her whooo hawww. The baby was home in days and I was set to visit but the plans fell through. A few weeks later, again, set to visit and plans fell through. It was from both sides, her sometimes, me sometimes. I don't live nearby so planning is necessary and with a new baby, planning ahead more than a diaper change isn't reality. Doesn't matter I thought, this kids gonna know me into her 30s if I am lucky, there's no rush. I had bought enough onesies to see the kid into university. Hope she likes onesies when she's an adolescent. I might have gone a bit overboard shopping. Finally, finally, 7 weeks AB (after birth) I met this angel. I knew I was going to fall in love, I just didn't realize how much.
There I sat yesterday with this teeny tiny bundle of perfection, smelling so wonderful, warming me from head to toe with her little furnace of a body and as she started to fall asleep in the crook of my arm I started to cry. I cried for the baby I never had, I cried for the friend who would never see this baby, I cried for the sister who didn't have a big sister to see her baby, and I cried for the baby who would never know it's crazy, funny, smart auntie. I just cried. For no reason, and all those reasons, I just cried. She was perfection in my arms, absolute perfection and I just felt overwhelmed by it. When I left I smelled of new baby. There is nothing more perfect that new baby smell. I don't recommend smelling random babies but if you have approved access to one, hold it, smell it, and let all that comes to surface out. I felt cleansed yesterday. Cleansed by a 7 week old life I held in my arms. A perfect little angel. Like a piece of CC was right there in my arms. I think she has her little nose. I think she will. God bless how the world works. But you have to let it.
Have you let the tears come for no reason or a ton of reasons lately. They are very cleansing.
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