The cottage we had before the house we currently live in had many similarities. It was also on Sturgeon Lake, just the north side, just as close to Bobcaygeon. It was also a ranch style home, just much smaller. And it too, had an nosey old neighbour, just like this house, in the surrounding area.
At our last place the neighbour decided he had a say in all things "Weir", that's US FYI. He informed us shortly after moving in that he looked forward to getting to know us then listed a bunch of things the old owner did that he didn't much care for. I guess we should have gotten his approval to build a tree house a little later on OUR property because apparently he really didn't care for it. We realized he didn't care for it three years after befriending him. When on that New Year's Eve, as my friends slept in our guest cabin, this old man and another neighbour drove a tractor onto our property and drunkenly and poorly tried to knock the damn thing down!! We woke at 2am to our friends standing in our bedroom in the main cottage advising us a tractor was stuck on our property and that two men wearing reindeer antlers had just stumbled off. And there it was, an old tractor stuck amidst the damage to the tree house, our lawn, and our boat trailer. My husband, being a loving soul, let them off the hook almost immediately, "Ahhhh the things silly drunk men do". I wanted to chain the fucking tractor to the tree house and call the cops, the national guard, a psychiatrist and a gun smith. All rational ideas when you have a slight temperament issue.
It took months for us, maybe a year, to stop fighting with all the neighbours over the damages and cost. They never did pay anything, we just gave up. Correct that, my husband told me too give up as it was just causing us aggravation. My husband's idea of fighting is congenially through light hearted personal chit chat. I find fighting to be more like UFC cage matches. I wrote letters from informative comments such as, "do not speak to me or look me in the eye". I am sweet that way. We eventually decided the best payback was to spend a fortune to fence in our entire property and plant trees along the entire fence line. This was on the list of nosey old neighbours, "Please do not do this", when we first moved it. It was the first thing I ordered the very next Spring thaw after "The Tractor Incident of New Year's Eve 2005".
We ended up selling that cottage to buy our existing home. It was the best thing we ever did because frankly, this is our home. A home we can retire in, a home we live and love in. We sold our house in the city even because this place was so big. It really was perfection and meant to be. Fate as they say. We sold the old place to a friend after full disclosure about the nosey old neighbour. Our friend, a 6 foot 6, 275 linebacker for the CFL, didn't seem to mind much. *snort* He could bench press nosey old neighbour.
Please now take a moment and let this sink in.....imagine my reaction when the linebacker told us that nosey old neighbour said and I quote, "Oh I am so glad your children are playing in the tree house as the last people never did?" Mutha....(&#*^#)I#)$*>*@*&er
Whaaaaaaaat? The children that knew you, disguised as Rudolph the reindeer, tried to murder their tree house? Those kids? Son of a .....
If you are wondering why "Sheriff" is the title of this post it's because my neighbours over here at our new heaven on earth actually named a local nosey old neighbour in the area "Sheriff". He patrols the area, likes to check in on places and folks. "Oh that's nice I thought to myself", quickly followed by, "If this is another nosey old neighbour I will go Bath Salts on someone's face". It wasn't long before I was saying , "Oh please do not encourage him with that name". Yet again, we have another nosey old neighbour in the area that likes to tell us exactly how he sees our property, the neighbourhood, the lake, and everyone in and around.
Because I am entirely sick of typing "nosey old neighbour" we are going to shorten it to "NON" going forward. "NON" stands for nosey old neighbour k?
NONs first "objection" was when our tree line was slaughtered by Hydro, the tree line maintenance crew. We had two choices considering we were hosting a wedding a mere 3 months later. Plant new trees and show the wedding guests our newly planted twigs. Or pull up the leftover stumps and plant grass. We chose grass. For two years, each time NON saw the grass he would say, "Darn shame about those trees, I just loved them, the canopied drive, the ones I could see out of my mothers old house". His mothers old house faces a piece of our 5 acres of land. You saw that read "OUR" land right? Oh and he also reminded us that the remaining trees across from his mother's were his "mostest favorites". I could live with this. It was his first infraction. Strike one only. "Okay, NONs just opinionated, as am I. Just because he was a NON didn't mean he was like all other NONs. I liked the canopied drive as well". I missed it. His telling me every time I saw him he missed it did nothing to reduce the pain I felt pulling up so many tree (stumps).
His next objection was when his dog, whom he was walking off leash, charged my dog. His dog was a rescue that he felt needed a strong hand to teach it manners and love. Exactly what a scared defensive dog doesn't need, someone yelling at it. Yelling was what came out of me that day, that and I think maybe Beelzebub. It's all fuzzy and unclear. All I know is, after my screams, his dog hightailed it back to him and my dog sat immediately behind me. The "NON" then thought, being all knowing about dogs, that we should re-introduce the dogs and see if they could play. His with its frothing at the mouth and fangs showing and my lovable big goof. I think not and I think not of you objecting to my thinking not. See when I say "I think not" I am really saying "go fuck yourself with a chainsaw". He didn't know me well enough yet to understand that. Time has helped this.
I love this man's wife, or did until recently. She got HIV when the whole Blood Bank issue in the 80s went down and has never, ever, ever let it get to her, get her down that I have ever seen. Every morning she walks the dog, now on leash, down to the public dock next to us and does some yoga like stretching and just this past month I saw her dancing and singing Christmas carols as she walked the dog. It reminded me a little of this gals moves minus the camel toe so it really made me giggle.
Prancercise
In short, it was deliciously silly and adorable. However, we, my sweet hubby and I ran into her recently in the grocery store where she looked my lovable, giving, generous husband in the eye and said, "You've been a very bad boy!" Dan didn't tell me, wisely, until we had left the store as I would have asked if he had humped her leg or something making him a "naughty boy". He knows me too well. Something we had done on OUR property likely pissed off her husband so my Dan became a "bad boy". You can call me names, you go at my husband I will remove your voice box through your nose.
What I can only figure is that it's the fireworks. We are a firework family. We buy them in huge lots of 250 shot per firework kind and enjoy every minute of it. His dog goes ape shit when fireworks are set off and he's let us know that he would like advanced warning anytime we are setting them off. So when everyone on the lake sets them off on Canada Day, we should apparently call him to put his dog inside. When everyone on the lake sets them off on May 24th weekend, we should call him to put his dog inside. When everyone on the lake sets them off for New Years Eve, we should call him to put his dog inside.
This is how our conversation went this past summer:
NON: Had some fireworks last night did ya?
ME: Yes the kids love blowing shit up.
NON: They really make Murphy (his crazy dog) crazed. He escaped his outdoor pen last time.
ME: You mean Canada Day when the entire lake was setting them off? That last time?
NON: Uhhhhm yes.
ME: You should probably get that dog inside on firework kind of days huh?
NON: I try yes. When I am home. Sometimes I am not.
ME: You leave the dog alone on firework days, outside in a pen?
NON: Well, no, I ... ahhhhhh.
ME: It's funny you mention this because you should hear Riley (my dog) bark when you go by really close to us like you do in your plane. It's really cool that you can fly anytime you want. Makes Riley crazy. It's quite entertaining.
NON: Oh.
That's right asshole, you fly a plane next to my bedroom window you are lucky I haven't put a firework up your bum bum hole.
*SMILE*
I am actually laughing right now because our doorbell just rang and both my husband and step son got up to get it and I heard a man and woman's voice. My step son steps back from the door, that I cannot see, and secretly gives me the most sinister evil "this is gonna be hysterical" look. And I realize it's them!!! 12 hours after I started writing this story about NON, he shows up at my door with the wifey. I almost hid but I decided because of recent "face your pains" goal setting, I went to the door and just waited. I chatted and played nice, and waited, and waited. I was being so nice, I even hugged her. She called my husband "bad" and I hugged her. See I am actually full of love until you piss me off. I have zero tolerance for stupidity and selfishness, none. I lose ma' shizzle.
NOTHING WAS SAID! The man said nothing and we set fireworks off just after Christmas with the kids. HE SAID NOTHING.
Just imagine. My last convo really, of any kind, was this past summer when I told him nicely to bite my ass. Last night I decide to write this post full of snippy comments and dry humour and BAM they show up at my door for pretty much the first time ever.
The world is telling me something and it's......
Apparently the ever powerful spirits, the Godly (if you believe)leader of this world, whomever that may be, thinks fucking with me is bloody hysterical as does my step son who said, "what if?". I was forced to say, "I would have told him to bite my big chunky monkey lily white ass". *giggles all around*
It's a really good thing I love sick humour. How's about you? Got any good irony to share?
Love thy neighbour.
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