Until two days ago I didn't talk about my actual weight. I said things like, "I gained 40 pounds when I quit smoking" or, "I gained 25 pounds with each disc that herniated in my back". I just always who I was talking too didn't do the math!!! 40+25+25 = HOLY FUCK, that's what that equals.
I hid.
I even quit going to a trainer because I didn't even want her too see it. She's a trainer for shits sakes. All fit and stuff. Eating salads for breakfast and stuff. I actually had a trainer once say "you don't really want to be carrying all this around on your wedding day do you?". Well, no you senseless fuck, actually I don't. What I also don't need is you pointing it out. I am smart enough to know an orange is an orange until it's not. Dumbass. I know my last trainer wouldn't dare have said anything like that, she's great and she's been through a life of weight and self esteem issues, but still, couldn't face her.
Move Your Body Studio
She's working on a book I helped titled, I believe it's going to be called "Eating Cookie Dough in the Dark" and it's about her battle with food. I know I know, you will see the cover picture in her website and think "whatev's" but she gets it, really she does!!!! You can trust me, I haven't lied yet. Remember 254 pounds to love over here.
When I was going to see a woman I knew wouldn't care about my weight I still found a way to work my weight into the pre-emptive of the meet conversation so I wouldn't see shock in their eyes. Cause that's what you would do wouldn't you? Jaw drop and stare right? To prevent that awkward moment in time I would say things like, "just to warn ya', I'm a chunky monkey now" before you saw me. My therapist says it was my way of basically demeaning myself before anyone else might have the chance.
Many of you know I worked on Bay Street (the Wall Street of Canada) for 21 years. I haven't been back down there to see a soul since I left. It's been something like 6 years. I was well liked, well known, and at the top of my game. Why haven't I gone back? Because when I left I was thin. And now....well in my mind, grossly over weight. Even though I wrote that eye opening piece about myself I do consider myself over weight, it's kind of a fact really. I am not at my ideal weight or even close to it. But I accept that. I own that. I did that to my own body so I am going to carry it around and own it. I am going to stop hiding. I am actually considering a trip downtown Toronto. *shiver*. Okay I will keep you posted on that goal.
What I may not have mentioned is I joined Curves. Not the whole plan with a diet portion (I refuse to restrict), I joined the work out membership. A friend said I might like it. I went in months and months ago and saw too many happy people in there and thought, "Nahhhh, not for me". They were all talking and laughing. They were almost being SOCIAL!!!! The equipment is set up in a circle so they actually look at each other even, for support of each other and stuff! They smile as they exercise! What the hell is that about? Between each piece of equipment is a platform/mat and they dance in the spot, walk or even jog. Walk on the spot? Really? In my hey day I climbed mountains on a stair climber all obsessive compulsive about it. Walking on the spot. I don't think so!!!
Months passed. I wasn't moving, my weight was climbing and as many know Brittany Gibbons of Curvy Girl Guide ("CGG") said "own it" and "post a selfie". I did just that and almost puked because to me the picture was evidence of what I already knew, I was way way way too big. Then all these women of CGG started raving about my outfit, my hair, my face, me, my house....it was endless and I thought, "holy shit I will, I can, own this shit".
Curvy Girl Guide by one amazing Brittany Gibbons
I joined Curves on December 27th and haven't missed a day since. New Years Day I worked out at home even.
I have moved every day since I posted how much I weighed. I promised I would move and so far....I am moving.
Each day I get dressed to go to the gym, I no longer fuss about my clothes being baggy enough to hide my stomach, I wear somewhat fitted clothes. What the hell, it's me right? I gotta own it. No hiding now. FITTED!!!! You heard that right?
*insert applause here*
*curtsy curtsy*
And here's the best part and why I wrote today's post. Ya' know what I did today at 930am at Curves? I found my dance groove again. I haven't danced in years. Because I was too heavy too. Because it hurt my back. Because it made me have a hot flash/sweat. Basically because I was too big too look okay doing it in my mind. And this morning with a smile on my face, with a little old bird looking sideways at my tattoos and Russian t-shirt, I got ma' sexy back on the "walk on the spot" mats. Guess what? I fucking loved it. So fun.
Please don't lose what you love to your weight. Take back what you love. If you stay the same weight and can do what you love, GO FOR IT. Without abandon and without a care in the world, GO FOR IT. Do it for me if not for yourself.
*HUGE SMILE*
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