Down Low...."I'm down here, no look down deeper, deeper, I'm just beyond there"

I know sometimes I come across as the “got it together”, funny as hell (a got it together funny as hell girl can only assume), harsh and scary (so I’ve been told) girl.  I am sure some times I even come across as odd due to the bi polar.  Maybe some of you haven’t even noticed it.  Lucky you, you got away unscathed.  I am strong enough sometimes, only sometimes, to push this chemical imbalance in my brain completely aside and to forge on.  If you knew the extent to the darkness, (which I hoped under these new meds I would never see again), you’d think twice about ever questioning the strength and fortitude of anyone alive with this disease.  I know all people get sad, lose people, loved ones, and that’s hard, that takes a person down lower than you think you will come out of.  I also know people suffer from plain old depression and how awful that is.  Seems never ending.  I sympathize so greatly because I can put myself in your shoes.  I just can’t control when I get to wear those shoes.  It is heart wrenching, and tears me open, for me to even step into your shoes at these times because then I remember so clearly my last low and once I think of that, it’s hard not to be frightened and stopped in your tracks worrying when the next low will be.  As anyone with bi polar knows, there will be one, just how dark and low you cannot know.

“How low can you go, how low can you go…..”  Little GREASE dance off reference for ya.

This is the first time with bi polar that I have written while down, bottom of the barrel, it doesn’t go lower than this, down.  I figured if I can write about it when I am in a semi normal phase or manic, I can try when I am down and down I am.   Typically I just defer on Facebook to sending other people’s postings and share them with whatever snippet I can pull out of my ass on the fly.  I say very little otherwise until it passes.  Sometimes I am asked where I’ve been, and I say busy, but my heads been shoved as deep into the sand as I can, until I can come out and its clear sailing.  Sometimes I am actually busy because I am manic and have “so much to do and accomplish, and start and finish and and and”.  This writing thing has been really effective for me as an outlet and as a way to empty my brain.  But during a down, I have only done one on one with people.

Typically this is when I’ve written to friends who’ve wronged me, or I perceived it so when low, and hope they will love me again helping me climb out of the hole.  Not only is that not possible but if I feel wronged why would I go back to said person for help?  I am so much smart than that.  That, “you wronged me love me”, is a toxic rinse repeat cycle I have to try to never repeat again.   It’s awful to be low then feel kicked by someone you thought loved you, then you kick back, only to regret it all.  You end up lying in a ditch half beaten to death by your supposed friends and YOUR OWN mind at the end.  No one wins in that. 

Last night I was happily clicking away on Facebook entertaining all.  I apologized in one update for the number of updates, I knew right then as the letters typed out in front of me that I was manic, it had crept up on me unnoticed.   I don’t get manic or stay manic for long, barely at all.  I never do.  I didn’t think about that.  Least I tried not to.  You don’t want to, in happy euphoric moment, think “I am gonna crash and it’s gonna get ugly around here”.  You just want to try to control how high you go, “slow down, breathe, slow down, and breathe”.  The higher you go, the further the fall.

Here’s my take on Yesterday and Last night:

On Facebook I status updated with little to no impulse control and I made 10-12 people laugh their asses of = manic (and comedic genius FYI…why hello Robin Williams, why yes, you are the Grand PooBaa of the American Bi Polar Society).

I skipped dinner, not hungry, have things to say, too busy = manic.

Why can’t I sit still? = manic.

Take a nap in the day because I am bored to death = manic. (Oh kids, there’s enough big pharma around here, I could put down a good sized rhino for a nap).

8pm at night a bag of chips and mini chocolate bars for dinner with zero impulse control = manic.

Online shopping with zero impulse control (when ‘zee XMas budget is spent) = manic.

I went to bed happy and ready for a good sleep and even with the sleep medication they gave me, nothing.  Couldn’t shut down.  Couldn’t turn off.  Then all my limbs started buzzing, like electricity was running through them.  Didn’t want to wake the husband, off to the couch I went.  If you have never experienced or seen restless limbs, once it’s got a hold of you it’s much like receiving the, “CLEAR”, shocks they do in the ER when your heart stops.  You find yourself contorting your body and stretching and clenching to see if you can release the muscles that won’t calm down.  I knew last night my body was telling my mind the mania was short lived, I was peaking. 

Imagine a really good low point for you, driven by the environment, losing someone, having your heart broken, and now imagine that feeling for no reason at all, none.  It just happens.  One evening you are typing jokes and making people laugh and you wake up in the morning and for no reason life is worthless.  Someone says good morning the wrong way, or starts a conversation you could have had on any other given day and it rips you in two.  You find yourself sitting on the floor of your closet holding back the deepest wails you know want to escape.  You put your pajamas back on and slip into bed because the day has ended or you want it to, it’s 10am.  All you can think about is “when will this end?”  I can’t predict it, but I get a better idea of when it might be coming each time it happens.  The severity of it is still a surprise when the doctor gives you drugs that made you feel normal for a few months.  Makes it even harder.  “Oh god, for the first time in 30 years I feel normal and……shit what happened? Why am I down here?”  “This wasn’t supposed to happen”. 

I can blow happy thoughts out my ass, all day long but it’s not gonna change the chemical imbalance in my brain.  I can do something positive like write and still, not sure I feel any better deep down.  But I do it, I need to try anything and try I will.  I guess I also write in case someone out there suffers like this and they feel like they are alone, they are not.  I meditated for the past three days.  20 minutes at a time, reverting my thoughts none judge mentally back to nothing but my breath.  Today’s meditation ended when I launched the stool I use to meditate with across the room when I came out of meditation no better than I went in.  Forgot entirely to give credit to the 20 minutes I got, brain unclouded just breathing.   Perhaps next time I can graduate to no shot putting of wooden stools.  Scared the shit out of my husband.  Thank god for good aim and sturdy floors.

I always say the hardest part about this disease is the fact that when you are good, feeling normal, you often think, “end it now, you feel good, go out on a good note”. 

Then you get manic and you are like, “do it now, you know what’s coming, an almost unbearable low”.

Then you end up here, inside the low and you were just fine and productive and happy, “end it now, this place is awful, I don’t have the strength to do this again”.

There’s really no definitive time you don’t feel like just ending it.  But you don’t. 

You stay the course.  You take stock of your life.  You realize what others don’t have and you do.  You make a list of positives, you are breathing, you have gorgeous hair, ass could be bigger, your back pain worse, you are smart and funny and beautiful.  And even if you don’t believe a one you are making an effort to sway your mind.  You think of all those that love you and need you and while you can’t think of a thing to place value on you know you cannot let those who are patient enough to love you down.  They think your special or they wouldn’t love you.  Don’t question why they do, just let them do it. 

 

 

Even saying that, “patient enough to love you”.  Makes a girl want to end it for the sake of her partner.  It doesn’t make you want to stay for her partner.  “Wouldn’t he be better off without me?”  “And those friends you can’t stop obsessing about when you are low; you gave them so much of yourself and they just let you fall, they don’t miss you?  Why stick around?  You miss them many a day, but they’ve gone on living like you didn’t exist, that hurts the most.  Damn ego.  But how much of an impact are you really having then?”

Please do not call 911.  I have a dog in my bed with me and a husband hiding around the corner saying, god bless him, “this is one of the best lows you’ve had in a long time, and you can do this”.  And I can, I’ve done it 4278 times before, sometimes alone, sometimes with friends, sometimes married. 

So trust me when I say if you are sad, I will, can, have, and will again, walk in your shoes and sympathize because I know how hard this walk is.    I am there for you if you need me because much like my foot says, “To hurt is to learn.  To teach is to heal”.

 

Well there ya go, always knew I was "special".

Be Kind to Yourself.